ggbabi45,

What is wrong with you is that you have been traumatized. I have deep waves of grief like you are having. It hurts so bad and I am so sorry.

You are a month past me on NC and I cannot even imagine thinking of interacting with another man. Yuck. Too much too soon.

All I can do is keep distracting myself. I have to force my brain into another direction over and over.

This is an odd example, but for lunch today I tried a new frozen meal. It is a healthy, vegetarian vegetable loaf from Amy's. It distracted me a bit because I have never had it before. Now I also did one good thing for my future by eating something healthy.

I heard someone say that every hour, every minute, we spend thinking about them and how they hurt us is an hour or minute not spent on our own lives and future. We have to keep moving forward (even if the waves knock us back on occasion) because that is what is real. Hard as it is to admit sometimes, they were never real.

I hate it, I get it, and I understand your pain. Hang in there. Don't give in to destructive behavior. You deserve better and you are not any of the things he told you.

Okay?
((hugs))
You are doing great. You posted here. Good for you.
-- Emmy

I have been unable to date too, and I am of similar duration of final D&D and NC(direct, anyway). I caught myself this weekend thinking low of myself for how i acted during the relationship (what I was prompted to blame myself for since he's such a prize and played NO part in things going wrong)...then I had to stop and think about what makes him less than perfect.

Sounds like he was degrading you to distract you from what a piece of shit he was.

Know what helped me today after an otherwise bla weekend? Hanging out with a guy buddy. Nothing major just a ride in the country looking for old cars for a project he is working on. No hassle, no worries, no pressure, no rollercoaster....just a laid back ride in the countryside with general chit chat with a male who is a) Not trying to get in my pants, never mind using sex to degrade me, or provoke me to degrade myself for his "acceptance".
B) not trying to control my emotions with any rude behaviour
c) automatically respectful to me as a female and his friend
d) true to his word, and consistent

The list could go on...but the point I am trying to make is that it is good "guy therapy" to just hang out with a platonic male because it left me with a sense of hope that I can still interact on a mature, light-hearted level with a man and not be left feeling bad about myself afterward. I found it to be quite therapeutic...though I probably won't tell him, because he's such a GUY he might find it to be kind of silly...:)