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How long does the devaluation(sp) last?
Sadangelintears
Member since:
1 year 6 weeks
1 year 6 weeks
Last activity:
1 year 3 weeks
1 year 3 weeks
How long does the devaluation(sp) last?
Posted May 13, 2012 - 8:07pm
I did not know when mine started all I know is we had a fight and that was it. He left did not talk to me for a month just left me and the kids. I knew when the honeymoon faze was over. But not the devaluation part. A couple more questions also when he emails and ask about the kids he always brings up our first month together how he really liked it. That was his favorite time with me. Also do they really love the kids at all? Also how can some narcs marry and stay married for years?
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We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
Hi Sad
May 14, 2012 - 10:50pm — goldieThe devaluation goes on as long as you allow it to got on. Once it begins, you never go back to the way it was, it will continue indefinately with brief periods of fake phony ploys to suck you back in then back to D&D. Narc do not love anyone. They can appear to love children when they are young and cute and easy to deal with and when they are older and accomplished and Narc wants to take credit for who they have become. The emails are strickly designed to keep YOU hooked with sentimentality. Some stay married for years as long as the wife complies and is stilled deemed decent supply by being their slave.
God bless,
Goldie
@Neverlookback
May 14, 2012 - 8:36pm — SadangelintearsHe discarded me fast but still wants to remain friends for the kids. Then he is always threatening to cut child support off if I don't jump through hoops for him.
they
May 14, 2012 - 6:04pm — neverlookbackcan devalue you for YEARS!!!! This is their favorite part of the cycle for them - this is where they throw in all those nice little goodies of projection, shame, blame, manipulation, lies, CD starts to set in, - this is really a rush and thrill for them. They can also take their sweet time discarding you too some do it fast, others do it painfully slow -
they
May 14, 2012 - 8:29am — onwithmylifemarry to appear NORMAL in society,mine had 3 marriages and all the women walked away.He never really loved any of his children, they are more like pawns or objects than individual people, 2 of his kids in their 20's have not spoken to him in over a decade, no one means anything to him at all.
deleted
May 14, 2012 - 11:54pm — seekingfreedomdeleted
Sadangelintears
May 14, 2012 - 8:14am — Janie53Oh my, you have a lot of good questions and once you understand this disorder you will be able to begin to heal. I would recommend Lisa's books. She does a great job of outlining the disorder. Knowledge is power and really is imperative.
I would also recommend therapy if you haven't already done so. We need to learn a lot about ourselves so we can develop the appropriate boundaries so we don't get involved with a PD again. For many, the narc that brought us to the forum, is not our first but we want to make sure he is the last!
Get to work my friend and as you do, please make sure to take extra care of yourself.
Stay true to you and welcome to my second home!
Janie
https://psychopathyawareness.
May 14, 2012 - 7:38am — Hunterhttps://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-re...
Please see our Favorites sections on the 1-3 forum..
Hunter
@Hunter
May 14, 2012 - 8:44pm — SadangelintearsThank you for the link
Once it begins, it is
May 14, 2012 - 1:29am — dulcinea441Once it begins, it is permanent. You will never re-enter the idealization phase with a narcissist once you have been devalued. The N might appear to be contrite and might appear to have fallen back in love with you, but this is all a calculated game, based on his intimate knowledge of your vulnerabilities, to milk you for more supply when he has run low on other sources.
Once you've been devalued, you will forever be, to him, an object to be repeatedly toyed with and discarded at his whim. Of course, this can only happen if you allow it.
It lasts as long as the
May 13, 2012 - 10:53pm — missymIt lasts as long as the relationship does, and as long as we stay in the relationship.
I was married for 16 years, together 18 with him. He would have stayed in it forever....but I finally ended it after many years of abuse in many forms. He would have stayed in it forever because it met his basic needs and he did not have to give anything. He "loves" our daughter12, but not in a real way because they cannot genuinely love. But, he thinks he does....and that is good enough for him. Now that she makes her opinions known to him, he has "less" use for her. He has her 3 days/nights a week, and spends every night he has with her WITH OW too. So, basically, he puts on a show to make others think he is a good dad. But, he never really parented her and still does not.
Does he care for her? Sure. Does he do what is best for her? Never.
years and years
May 13, 2012 - 8:19pm — EmmyI was married over 25 years. His type of abuse was gaslighting aka abient abuse. We truly did NOT see it for what it was.
It is WELL hidden. Like a magician, they distract you will a red scarf (like saying weird stuff, starting arguments over nothing, changing the subject, moving your stuff so it gets "lost").
No one is perfect. They play on this. He was rude because he had not eaten lunch, not slept well, whatever. Why did I think he was rude? I would explain things to him, thinking he was not in touch with his emotions.
I DO think he loved our kids when they were babies and toddlers. They were CONTROL-Able. They adored him. What is not to love?
When they begin having a personality, the whole thing changes. For years I have asked him to be a better dad, knowing he WAS a good dad for a long time. It NEVER crossed my mind that he did not care about them! Never.
It breaks our hearts, doesn't it. So sorry.
((hugs))
-Emmy
Yes I agree
May 13, 2012 - 8:26pm — SadangelintearsYes,we were together for 4 yrs he was a good dad but the problem is he is in another country now. So he is mad because I won't let our babies come alone with out me! He has bad mouthed me there so bad I can never go. His family will never meet them just sad
Good for you Sadangelintears.
May 14, 2012 - 9:34pm — bluegirlGood for you Sadangelintears. I can't even imagine that scenario playing out any other way but him keeping the kids in the other country, and you fighting for years and years to even see them again.
Good for you Sadangelintears.
May 14, 2012 - 9:33pm — bluegirlGood for you Sadangelintears. I can't even imagine that scenario playing out any other way but him keeping the kids in the other country, and you fighting for years and years to even see them again.