His stupid stuff

His stupid stuff
Posted May 13, 2012 - 3:55pm
0

Hi all - I am enjoying some small pleasures this Mother's Day. Nothing at all fancy, but my kids are sweet and there for me. I don't need "stuff" - I just need to love and be loved.

My narc husband, however, is the opposite.

I will have had no real contact with him 3 months this week. However, he has filed for divorce (finally), mainly to get his "stuff" from the house.

Long story short: Kids and I left, afraid of him, came back after a month thinking we had to get an apartment, I got really mad one day and managed to scare him out of the house.

Now, 3 months later, he wants to come get the rest of him stuff. He got a lawyer and wrote a list. Some of it is his and some of it is ours. I do NOT want him coming to this house. His stuff (huge huge huge ammts of stuff) is all out in the garage, but I DO NOT TRUST HIM not to mess with us in some way if he comes here.

Soo - The kids and friends and I have been spending hours packing all his crap as fast as we can. I would much rather have it delivered than have him come here.

Things I am dealing with because of this:

* Tough emotions having to see his stuff over and over (lots and lots of memories of a 25 year marriage)
* Anger - I want to trash his junk, but I am trying to take the high road for my kids
* Fear - he will EXPLODE when he finds out people have been messing with/looking at/touching HIS precious THINGS.

Ugh. Any ideas, support? I think this is the best choice, but I am not sure. With the lawyer breathing down my neck, I don't have a choice but to deal with it.

Thanks,
Emmy

‹ I need to do a minor vent session. What N is Not ›
abreva's picture

posted twice

May 13, 2012 - 5:38pm — abreva

.

abreva's picture

once his stuff is gone, it's gone

May 13, 2012 - 5:24pm — abreva

Emmy,

You will only have to do this once. It will be over. I know it is hard. Get that stuff out and it's out. Have it delivered. Have a Sheriff present if he comes to the house. Have him pay for movers to come - professional movers. Have him pay for the movers YOU hire. Hold onto the stuff as long as you can legally, if you want. Many scenarios.

But, if it's out of your space, then it's OUT. And that is good.

EXNH-Psychopath is holding on to MY stuff from before the marriage, some things I had to leave behind and others accidentally left. He's a bastard and Trying to torture me about it. At this point I find it laughable. Stuff is stuff, you know?

I have a friend in town who got a divorce, a very different divorce than mine. She didn't fight him at all about anything. They have an amicable thing going. I don't think he's a narc, but it seems like she just made it easy for him and didn't fight or demand anything. She "lost" on money -- but she gained peace.

So, do whatever suits you.

Is that helpful?

Follow your GUT.

Emmy's picture

Stuff/Thanks, Abeva

May 13, 2012 - 7:09pm — Emmy

Yes, that does help. You are right. Once. I can live through this. I won't have to hear him explode if i am not there.

I forget I have choices or any power sometimes. I feel strong, I pack some stuff, then I think "OMG- What have I done? He is going to kill me!"

Peace is good. Going for peace.

Thanks, sweetie

--Emmy

abreva's picture

Yeah - it's hard to think straight when you are scared.

May 13, 2012 - 7:30pm — abreva

You probably know this, but, I'll say it -

The reason you can't think of the choices is because you are scared. That's the game. They scare us to keep us submitted. That's one of the many reasons I left - I couldn't THINK anymore - I was so scared. At some point it became ridiculous even to me in the moment. I was a chicken with her head cut off - scurrying around the house - afraid - with my heart in my chest - frantic. I thought: this is no way to live - I gotta get out of here.

So yes, lean on us for the choices and options - and then trust your gut and choose your options. You'll get through it. It will be fine. Just be safe.

25 year marriage? Wow. Ouch. Keep the faith honey. You are fine.

Just get the stuff out. And you know what? If you miss the "deadline" -- what are they going to do? Throw you in JAIL? I doubt it. I'm sorry your honor I was scared out of my mind and I did the very best I could do with my resources to blah blah blah.

I wish I knew your story better. I'll learn it.

Keep on baby. Your doing just fine.

Emmy's picture

Stuff / Abreva

May 13, 2012 - 8:10pm — Emmy

Aw, thanks. Trying, trying.

I don't know what he can do. He already called the police on me twice because I was "out of control" (after being tortured for years and coming to see it - damn right I was mad!).

Sigh. Yep. Long term marriage with kids. We thought he could be brash, grumpy, rude at times. But we did NOT think EVER that he truly did not care about us. Selfish? Yeah, maybe...but abusive? Nope.

He hid his gaslighting very well and used it mainly on me (some on the kids that I did not see until we escaped). When my kids got older I finally had WITNESSES to his lying and manipulation.

Never known him to cheat on me. Never told me anything obviously controlling. He hated the narc way his mother is.

Totally freaky. His mask fell and we felt like an alien had swallowed the man we love.

Thanks for the kind support, sweetie.

phantom adoration's picture

Seriously?

May 13, 2012 - 4:18pm — phantom adoration

where is your lawyer? So he got a lawyer, that does not give him extra rights. Do not let him come and get anything! the court will decide this for you.
Have him submit a list to your lawyer...
If you don't have a lawyer get one immediatley or call the public defenders offic. Do not change the locks if he is joint owner with you.
Move to a friends or storage anything that you care deeply about.
Photgraph everything, even closets and drawers. You will be glad you did in the end. copy all paperwork, all of it, bank statements, credit cards, bills.
Google the laws in your state regarding divorce and file yourself.
Half of everything you have acquired while married is yours, even his toothbrush, not that you'd want it.

Emmy's picture

Stuff/Phantom

May 13, 2012 - 5:04pm — Emmy

Oooh - you're good.

(sheepish grin)

I kinda have a sorta lawyer through the free legal system. I did tell his lawyer I would need to have my counsel look at the papers. The lawyer tried to intimidate me a smidge, but I pushed back. Done with being controlled, right ;)?

Doing all this stuff is SO overwhelming to me. I tried for a long time to file myself and finally realized it was eating up all my time to heal and help my kids heal. In any case, he had to pay the filing fee and to have me served (heh heh heh).

I am just AFRAID more than I am worried about stupid STUFF. He has always been weird when it comes to HIS things.

rosa_lita's picture

Hi Emmy

May 13, 2012 - 4:13pm — rosa_lita

I'm so sorry you have been through 25 years married to such a man. I wish you didn't have to deal with these things on Mother's Day.

I've never been in such a position, so I don't think I can give much advice. It seems that you are doing the right thing by getting his stuff packed up and out of there.

The only thing I can think of is to make sure you have another adult in the house if he does try to come by to pick up this stuff. He sounds potentially dangerous. I hope you have someone you can talk to and give you support at this time.

Please do whatever it takes to keep you and the kids safe xxx Let us know how it goes.

Emmy's picture

Stuff/ Thanks Rosa_lita

May 13, 2012 - 4:20pm — Emmy

Yeah, it's so weird. I knew he was not an easy person to deal with, but I did think he had a good heart and the best overall intentions toward the kids and I. I guess not, because once his mask started to slip and we fought back against being controlled and manipulated, he dropped us flat. Hard to believe.

Having a supportive friend would help. I just keep hearing him explode in my head. So hard.