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Is this Normal? Or maybe he's not a narc after all.
uncomfortablynumb
Member since:
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1 year 5 weeks
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50 weeks 3 days
Is this Normal? Or maybe he's not a narc after all.
Posted May 12, 2012 - 12:23pm
I went thru the ID&D with my last partner, abruptly dumped (FB message dump) after trying to bring the roller coaster ride back to a smooth coast. Conveniently, he got rid of me when he ran out of use for me, and stiffed my friend for $50, a steal of a deal on her old (but not that old) washing machine after she agreed to let him take it (since she thought he was such a "sweetheart") on good faith that he would pay her after hooking it up and confirming it worked fine, which she assured him it would. He had just bought a house, and had been living at his brothers while he worked out of town (1 week off, 2 weeks on at a mine), and spent lots of his days with me at my place, particularly the weekends, when I was free. Things were the same after he bought his house, but quickly shifted when his roommates (a couple, so I assumed the arrangement would be girlfriend-friendly...not like a bunch of guys living together) moved in...with all their stuff in the house, I felt like I was walking into a stranger's place, not my boyfriend's any more. Suddenly I was excluded from his social life, and given only "token" invitations to tide me over temporarily, before dumping me all together.
NOW he is 2 months into it with his new Supply, the roommates have moved out, a buddy has moved in, and she is clearly making herself at home in the house I helped him pick out (if not moved in altogether) and she is getting included in all the fun stuff that he felt like I was crowding him from...this girl is doing the availability/cyber smothering look-how-much-fun-we're having type of thing that the engulfment-fearing guy I know would have resented the crap out of..I mean i've been told that his whole wall is covered with posts and tags of HERS.
I'm starting to think that maybe he just wasn't that into me beyond what space i could fill for the moment, and this new one is extra special to get away with actions that would have previously made him feel "confined," as he put it.
Has anyone found that they were wrong and that the asshole behaviour was brought out by nothing more than just somethig in the relationship that was missing?
© E. Scott Enterprises | Lisa E. Scott
We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
I read through the replies
May 12, 2012 - 7:07pm — Deidre99I read through the replies and the advice is so helpful. At the end of the day...break ups are hard. Rejection is hard. This man showed you no respect. There is no such thing as a cafeteria narcissist. Lol a person is either a narc or not...they don't change for anyone. They only change their game as journey says. Continue to work on healing. Goldie is right about FB. All an illusion. Time will heal this wound. But don't spend your time thinking what does she have that I don't. She has a narcissist for a bf. That's about it.
This is sad
May 12, 2012 - 6:32pm — ruby01because you know how this goes and she doesn't.
She is probably genuinely happy. She has found the man of her dreams.
This man will turn into her worst nightmare.
It is such a shame how it's all just a sick game for them.
Being NC might be hard at first, but remember how traumatic it was when you were actually with him.
Journey is absolutely right,
May 12, 2012 - 1:46pm — SparrowJourney is absolutely right, a healthy man would not have put you through this roller coaster ride.
Try not to think to much on whether or not he is disordered. Try to heal from this relationship. Bottom line, he mistreated you, left you suffering, and healing from that is most important.
Stay strong, read as much as you can about recovery, work the steps in Lisa's book. You will find with each day, that you are healing.
Narcs change their game plan
May 12, 2012 - 12:54pm — JourneyNarcs change their game plan to suit their current supply and during the idealization phase will act the part they want to present to them. If your ex was an emotionally healthy man who `just wasn`t into you`, your relationship would not have been a roller coaster ride that ended with a D&D.
It doesn`t matter what would be his official diagnosis, the point is he was toxic to you, used you, treated you poorly, became emotionally abusive, withheld from you and ended it in one of the most cowardly ways possible.
THAT is ALL that you need to know in order to stop doubting, to stop thinking something was not worthy about YOU and that he will be who you thought he was with some new woman.
People`s characters do not change for another person - they are who they are with everyone eventually. An asshole is an asshole. period.
Yes, and thank you...an
May 12, 2012 - 1:05pm — uncomfortablynumbYes, and thank you...an asshole IS an asshole...at least I am both asshole-and narc free. I appreciate your insight.
A little side note
May 12, 2012 - 12:53pm — Celebrity NSThis advice the group is giving you is so great. I am older so have a few ex loves and the ones that were not narcissists still are friends and respectful, and the two narcissists that were exes one is 1) mean and self serving slime and the other is 2) a lecherous immoral overfriendly slime. So in time you can tell that even though you aren't meant for each other, the love of a friend will shine through (hopefully!)
Yes thank you so much you are
May 12, 2012 - 1:02pm — uncomfortablynumbYes thank you so much you are right!! I almost forgot about the ex from years ago that I ran into and chatted with and i felt that even though life took us different places, he still cared for real...and even reminded myself that I DO know the diff when someone actually cares.
You may want to do some more reading
May 12, 2012 - 12:47pm — goldieHave you read about the honeymoon stage? Just because someone does not do somehting like clock work or acts a little differently with new supply does not mean they are or are not a Narc. Goes a bit deeper than that. Have you read about how they wear masks? And have different false persona's with different supply?
Please read the blogs and we have links floating around on 1-3. There is one on there now for Understanding it, probably a few down from the first page.
God bless,
Goldie
Thank-you, once again...he
May 12, 2012 - 12:58pm — uncomfortablynumbThank-you, once again...he has exhibited a LOT of narc behaviours (the passive, covert kind), but he is young (about to be 28)...but I know of guys who are younger of more honourable character...without pretending.
yet I have also heard of the douchy guy who finds the special one who makes him give up on his previous douchy life.
I just want to be the summit for once, I'm always the stepping stone. My exes always end up freely giving to my replacement what they withheld from me...clearly I have issues.
I just might hit you up for a consult.
`yet I have also heard of the
May 12, 2012 - 1:24pm — Journey`yet I have also heard of the douchy guy who finds the special one who makes him give up on his previous douchy life.`
This is a fairy tale told by Hollywood which too many believe and because of that, put up with abusive behavior in order to keep believing in that happy ending.
In REAL life, maturity may help an asshole learn to value others and treat people better over time, but to all of a sudden stop being a user, a liar, a cheat, a coward, emotionally unavailable - well, that just does NOT happen.
In order to be the summit, you need to accept no less right from the start. Taking all new relationships slow enough to KNOW they see the summit in you and not just another stepping stone. Your own emotional patience and not leaping ahead to fantastical conclusions about a new love being `the one` is crucial and defining for yourself your boundaries and then asserting them, which no one who is not reaching for the summit with you can cross, is key.
My 2 cents...
I think the douchy guy who gives up his lifestyle for a girl
May 12, 2012 - 1:19pm — goldieIs an illusion. something Hollywood conjured up. I don't know of too many douchy guys who changed much over a woman. They may become more responsible, less selfish, ect... change from an asshole to a nice guy? No, I don't know of that. The personality is established young in life before 7 and it is what it is. All the nice guys I know of were nice as children and all the asshole I know were not so sweet as children. Just my observation. It's the same thing with puppies and dogs, you can see their charactors when they are young. They don't change much. A nasty dog is a nasty dog and a sweet pup becomes a sweet dog.
I would love some examples of these assholes who turned into nice guys. They still lie and cheat on their wives, you just cannot see it on facebook. FACEBOOK IS AN ILLUSION, you are ONLY seeing what people want you to see.
God bless,
Goldie
they are worse than vicious dogs
May 12, 2012 - 1:36pm — no more an echoHollywood and traditional 'Fairy Tales' tell females that if we are good enough, patient enough, and willing to take mistreatment, that eventually, the BEAST (or the FROG) will turn into the handsome, kind PRINCE we all believed, DEEP DOWN, that he was!
Can we PLEASE not pass these foolish notions to our daughters?
Dogs who attack humans are PUT DOWN because they DO NOT change and it is just not worth the risk. Because I am unable to euthanize Narc-Boy, I will have to settle for No Contact!
Good one!!! Can't have 'em
May 12, 2012 - 1:39pm — uncomfortablynumbGood one!!! Can't have 'em put down, just keep away!!
No Contact: Do Not Feed Their Egos!
May 13, 2012 - 12:17am — no more an echoJust hang a sign around their neck (or on their cage):
"DANGER: Do Not Feed!"
Ha!
LOL, great minds DO think
May 12, 2012 - 1:26pm — JourneyLOL, great minds DO think alike... :)
uncomfortablenumb
May 12, 2012 - 1:02pm — Usedjust might hit you up for a consult.
YOU COULDNT DO BETTER THAN GOLDIE EITHER....X
http://outofthefog.net/Disord
May 12, 2012 - 12:46pm — Janie53http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html
Goldie posted this the other day. Have you read about cognitive dissonance? If not, please do.
You landed on this forum for a reason, give that some thought.
Stay true to you!
Janie
Excellent info, thanks!! It
May 12, 2012 - 1:07pm — uncomfortablynumbExcellent info, thanks!! It all helps...i'm new-ish to finding all this out, and knowledge is power!
Goldie posted this blog about
May 12, 2012 - 12:43pm — tootsgeeGoldie posted this blog about the OW ... It could be applied to your situation??
http://www.lisaescott.com/2012/04/10/pd-happy-now-ow-he-looks-happy-and-...
THANK YOU!!!!
May 12, 2012 - 1:11pm — uncomfortablynumbTHANK YOU!!!!
Uncomfortably Numb
May 12, 2012 - 12:36pm — BtrflyGrlI don't have a real answer for you as I certainly am no expert. But at the least, he seems typical in that he used you to suit his needs and didn't care about yours. Also, to move on so quickly is a classic narc move. And to be almost flaunting her in front of you is another thing the love to do.
I noticed with mine that he would take little lessons and pieces from his past relationships and apply them to the current one. For example his last ex liked to shop a lot, he learned to like to shop and how to shop and used that on me to get me hooked.
I liked to go on little get aways which he (said) never really did before. His ex was probably sitting there wondering why he never took her away for the weekends. So I'm sure with NS he's taking her on weekend runs and going shopping with her because he has learned which behaviors women like most. They just adapt to the situation and more manipulative skills to their toolkit.
They are so phony (Wanna B's) that just make it up as they go along. That's my two cents. Be glad you are rid of him. The pain will lessen with time.
YES!!! I sometimes had a
May 12, 2012 - 1:10pm — uncomfortablynumbYES!!! I sometimes had a sense that some of the things he was saying to me were regurgitations from girlfriends past...excellent reminder..I do remember one time having a fleeting thought wondering that this guy's true identity was..it's whoever he needs to impress most's identity...he even showed a flash of awareness of this once..thanks for that reminder, it's reassuring!
I know i'm supposed to just
May 12, 2012 - 12:31pm — uncomfortablynumbI know i'm supposed to just work on my own healing, but I just wanted to know if anyone who was that way toward someone can actually be a real, solid partner to someone else.
Just because a person is an
May 12, 2012 - 12:30pm — missymJust because a person is an asshole, does not make him a narc. I'd study up on malignant narcissism and you can determine if that is what you attracted into your life.
Then, you can go about finding out what it is about you that he filled up in you - at least for the short term.
My sense is he may not have been that into you indeed as you state. Seems youngish and selfish, perhaps. But, maybe too just not the right fit.
Any effort to get yourself straight, and only accept relationships into your life that are healthy, respectful, and giving, will be wise use of your reflective abilities.
\yes, true enough...i suppose
May 12, 2012 - 12:40pm — uncomfortablynumb\yes, true enough...i suppose it doesn't matter anyway, the outcome is still the same.