NC and the D&D thing

NC and the D&D thing
Posted May 11, 2012 - 2:30pm
1

No, I don't have this under control at all. I'm struggling with NC plain and simple. Any contact gives this narc the power, its so frustrating.

Devalued and Discarded, I was thinking purely in local physical terms, denying it relates to Communication. We never had good communication in person, but by email or FB or TXT its like its a game to her, played in her mad world.

It simply reinforces that Its All About Her, any communication.

The D&D occurs with any communication, we have. She contacts me, I interact expecting a coherent response, then nothing. D&D again. D&D again. This must be the repeated cycle of D&D talked about so much, A few bits of bait, how is so-and-so, send some pics. Thats what hooks me. Its the addiction.

A phone counsellor confirmed yes, NC, even for family members, for any narc. It was a similar-aged step-daughter in her case, the one N amongst 5 children from two families. I've been such a fool to stay connected, easily hooked, addicted. Its already been a year of your life, the counsellor said.

Back to my 1st position, that its best for the 3 of us. Her off my hands, NM is happy, she now has Supply 24/7 and its no longer or was never my problem. Am continuing to read much here at TPF.

Step 3, No Contact. Step 4, Get Real. Step 5, Wake Up.
Its sinking in. Its difficult. Must get towards Step 6.

Thank you, good luck, and best to all here.

‹ It's getting a little easier day by day She came back after all ›
d. talks's picture

costa

July 1, 2012 - 2:24pm — d. talks

i feel your discomfort, and I'm sorry for it. I've been feeling it too, lately, even though I've been NC for several months. it's like I know, rationally, and even on a deeper, fundamental level, that it is the best and only course. and I'm growing some. but there are days when my auto pilot thinks I need some real fun, some drama, some excitement, and I think I miss it. and I think especially with all the ways to communicate, via text, IM, fb, etc., there are just that many more really painful ways to get DD'd. my latest narc encounter was conducted solely online, and while I count my lucky stars that I wasn't more involved with him, the silence, the no replies, the bait and switch-- it all did a number on me too.

I like what you said below about mistakenly thinking that your case is special, and that it is and isn't. it's special because it was YOU, you're real, and the pain is uniquely yours. but it's not, either, bc while the details of life and particular histories all differ, it's pretty clear that they all-- every last one of them!--are operating off the same fucked up blueprint. it's the perfectionist in me, the little girl who simply has to do everything the best so people will love her, that is driven to keep it up, to fix them. I just can't believe her anymore, now that all of these incredibly intelligent and insightful people have tried the same thing, all to no avail. I guess the real key will be to learn to convince the little kid inside that she's loved no matter what, and nobody's perfect. (and some are just plain evil!)

anyhow, hang in there. everybody here is with you. you know this is the way, I know it. luck n love to you!

Costa's picture

thank you for the feedback

July 2, 2012 - 1:00am — Costa

Just great to hear feedback and encouragement, d.talks.

So lucky you had limited exposure! Lucky for me that N is off my hands. Such a shock to realize I was simply Supply.

So sad that all the information points to incurable N. My hangup, like yours, is that dream of being able to Help someone we've loved, or someone that is damaged. All the info here at TPF and from Sam Vaknin, is that it is Impossible. As he says, 'a crooked tree will still grow, but it will always be a crooked tree'.

Would so like to drop a note asking if all is OK. Or receive one out of the blue just saying Hi, friendly. That happens with real people in our world, but not with the N in their mad world. Difficult to comprehend, and I'm ~almost~ past trying.

Am hanging in there OK, and 'keep swimming'. N had no 'critical faculties' with Art or music or film or conversation, no hobbies, no friends, (no empathy!), just herself. When I think of that, the irredeamable incurable N picture falls in to focus, and all the writing on N by Vaknin and Lisa and all here at TPF rings so true.

Good luck d.talks. Thanks for taking part, and thanks again for the feedback. Much appreciated. 10 weeks after D&D and two weeks of NC, is about the turning point for me and that crazy person, as I head up towards the light.

Take care. Love and very best to all.

PS: There's a tiny but great thread here where Deidre99 suggests what and what not to do during NC.
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/07/01/if-n-discards-you

TNR1's picture

Hey Costa....yes, NC is the

May 13, 2012 - 8:50am — TNR1

Hey Costa....yes, NC is the only way to go...but it is the HARDEST part of letting the Narc go. It means that we close the door on the Narc completely, even though the Narc hasn't necessarily given us the closure we feel we deserve. There is also that ever present "hope"..that dangling carrot that they offer that perhaps things can be different "if only". The problem is....they don't change...and so nothing changes after contact except how badly we end up feeling.

Contact=Pain (and yes, that includes family and friends with ties to the Narc)

Glad to here this has sunk in for you.

HUGS.

Costa's picture

Thanks, almost there

May 14, 2012 - 6:39pm — Costa

Thank you Tnr1, Yes, I've lapsed with the NC so have re-set the clock and now in for the long haul. I'm uncomfortable with it, as you may sense, as I think my case is special - when really it is and it isn't.

I was reading on the other site about co-dependancy and the care-giver. That took much reading, but hit home with some truths and insight. How much they're negative or unresolved aspects of myself, I'll quietly work on as part of the healing.

http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html

The frequency of calls to the phone counsellors, I'm happy to say are reducing to minimal.

I have been working on a letter to my N's Dad, as we've always been in close touch, and he with her. This has gone through many drafts, is being cut back further, and is simply to say; don't worry, you were there for her, there's little or nothing anyone can do, she's safe, do take care of yourself, and that I'm having to disengage perhaps completely. Get in touch any time. Words to that effect. Maybe its a slight empath in me, but I'd so love to reassure him somehow, that the lack of contact is normal for her, his beautiful and bright only child.

I can see ex-N's new situation as perfect for her. Isolated, doing things, restricted or minimal social contact. Secure father figure. Time to think. Healthy. So I hope she softens. This N seems so different to the terrible male-N, but is N nonetheless. And so is Abuse nonetheless. I'm still struggling to reconcile that one.

My progress is coming along well. Thanks again for your reminder note Tnr1, so good to hear feedback. I have heaps to do physically, and will be tacking some self-care and "healthy N" onto that I hope (as Lisa calls it, in her Youtube interview). Getting on with my life is clearly my way out. Tidy my house, tidy my self and my mind, and get out there.

rosedewittbukater's picture

great article Costa!

June 25, 2012 - 11:20pm — rosedewittbukater

Thank you for posting that link!
Wow, this really hits home.

Costa's picture

Great

June 26, 2012 - 5:27pm — Costa

Glad it read well for you. Yes, those of us sensitive types, our present needs versus our childhood parental conditioning, or reaction to their relationship at our formative years. So much there, that may help us understand the reason for our own sensitivity. We feel, can be over-sensitive. The N doesn't, the emotional senses have been dulled, desensitized too much to ever recover.

Thanks.