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Gaslighting
eyeswideopen35
Member since:
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1 year 6 weeks
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3 weeks 1 day
Gaslighting
Posted May 11, 2012 - 1:39am
I have been reading up on gas lighting but I'm still a bit confussed/?unsure on what it is...
My exN husband started complaining a lot about my memory... He was saying how frustrating it was for him that I didn't remember things and that it was having a huge effect on him and our relationship.. That is was a really serious problem I needed to seek help for!
I could never understand what he was talking about! Is this an example of gasnlighting?
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oh my god... I knew the ex
May 11, 2012 - 9:11am — tootsgeeoh my god... I knew the ex gaslighted me ... but I didnt realise quite how much till I read this.... you only hear what you want to hear is what he said a LOT!!!! there were really obvious times like denying whole conversations too. xx
Toots mine too said ALL the
May 11, 2012 - 9:16am — eyeswideopen35Toots mine too said ALL the time!
Yep and denying conversations that took place!
We have been gaslighted!
one of the worst was when we
May 11, 2012 - 9:29am — tootsgeeone of the worst was when we had split up over him denying wanting children when we had already split up over that before.... so we went away for the weekend to discuss and make up over it ... he made up a whole scenario of .. yes I want children with you. i want a little girl who I can take around on my bike and it will be so lovely.. blah blah blah ... wont we be happy .. blah blah blah ... and bugger me! two weeks later - after his son said he wanted a brother or sister - he denied ever having the conversation.......OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
The most worrying thing for me though is that I didnt even find that shocking I just carried on as if nothing had happened.. i didnt just walk away .. I let it go!
Gaslighting
May 11, 2012 - 7:53am — MonarchThe article Goldie posted below was very eye opening. Mine gaslighted me A LOT! The example given in the article was almost exactly like when he stood me up for an important formal event. I sat home in my formal dress waiting. He never showed. A friend from the event called and asked where I was. I told my friend that Narc hadn't shown up yet. My friend said, "Ummm. He's standing right here. He's here at the event." My friend (a guy) was furious about what my narc/parasite did and made him talk to me (he went to the event without picking me up). So, my friend handed him the phone. He told me I imagined him making the date and giving me the time in which he would pick me up, etc., etc. So, I was the crazy one sitting in my formal dress, my hair professionally done, nails done, etc. waiting for him to take me to the event. I felt so pathetic sitting there all made up. I was stunned. Did things really happen like this? I thought it was only in the movies.
I cannot count how many times he said, "You're imagining things."
My favorite quote from a member from the article: "He NEVER asked a question. Like yours, he would never ask about anything. Nor would he answer one. He would ricochet around like a bullet in a tin can-trying NOT to give an answer. Get a panicked look on his face.... Or just tell an out and out lie."
Gaslighting
May 11, 2012 - 7:28am — goldieA term coined from an old Hitchcock movie where the conman was trying to make the wife think she was going crazy as he was stealing from her and using her.
http://forum2.aimoo.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/Abusive-Tactics-...
This goes into it in more detail. Most ALL Narcs use these techniques and if you have self doubt inside of yourself and or "blindfaith" in others, you may fall for it or at the very least begin to question your own sanity.
Narcs LOVE to have you thinking you are the crazy one. They find this amusing to watch you confused when they are lying the entire time.
Toying with your emotions and thoughts is their stock and trade, they require your participation in this game in order to try to control and manipulate you.
RECOVERY is ALL about realizing they are full of shit, taking your own truth and power back, and eventually never allowing another to play with you like this again.
The process can be painful for us YET, when we come out the other side, we are stronger and wiser and learn to maintain control over our own lives with self esteem, bounderies, and discernment skills.
We learn and do the work now, in order to avoid a repeat performance from them or any other PD out there.
Knowledge is power. What we don't know CAN hurt us. Arm yourself with the knowledge of exactly what it is they do and you become a PD repellent. They take one look at you and say, hmmm, I don't think so, that bitch can see right through me.
Did you say BITCH? Take one step closer PD, and I'll show you BITCH, lol!
You are asking all the right questions, Eyeswideopen, you will get this, I can FEEL it.
God bless,
Goldie
Wow Goldie, just read that
May 11, 2012 - 8:07am — eyeswideopen35Wow Goldie, just read that link... Yup looks like I have experienced ALOT of gas lighting over this 7year roller coaster ride! Good to be able to put a name to it!
Wow it must have made him feel really powerful, knowing I was jumping through hoops and going to counseling to try to be better, trying to sort out all the things that were wrong with me, just when I changed one think, he would come up with something else I needed to change!
Little did I know until many months into counseling that the counsellor I was seeing with an expert on PD as she is a survivor of a relationship with a N!
I wasn't ready back them to listen or see which she was saying, but I am now!
Lol did you say bitch? Take
May 11, 2012 - 7:46am — eyeswideopen35Lol did you say bitch? Take one step closer PD, and I'll show you BITCH! Lol laughing so hard right now thanks Goldie!
The fog is lifting big time Goldie as you said it would... I am remebering so much that I had repressed... I realize now how manipulative he was. I can see how he was keeping me a constant state of concussion a lot of the time, and he would put me down and make me feel like I was losing my mind..
Im starting to get to the point where I am actually starting to really believe he really did do me a favor by leaving... Which is a huge step forward for me!
So much crazy making bullshit that I'm left to decifer, BUT, this relationship, the end of my marriage IS going to be the pivotal turning point in my life!
I will never allow myself to be used, abused, chewed up and spat out by anyone again!
It's a constant struggle each day, and the reality of the relationship is extremely confronting BUT armed with the knowledge I now have i could never allow myself to go back!
Thank you
Goldie, love you, you are a angel, xo
Repressed
May 11, 2012 - 8:00am — MonarchYou mentioned the word "repressed" his manipulation. That's it. Reading articles Goldie posts and posts on here help me remember so many horrific memories I've repressed. Bing! This gaslighting post has been very helpful. Thanks, EYEswideopen!
It's that and it is also
May 11, 2012 - 8:18am — goldieShutting down to it WHILE it is going on. It's like we are in a haze or a fog and we kinda get it, yet they keep saying differently, so we shut down to the obvious.
The ONLY way to stay with a PD is to shut down, if you remained open and conscience, you would have to leave. WE become part of their deception. We buy into their lie's because it is easier than trying to fight them, YET, truth is ALWAYS there, nagging at us.
This is what creates the cognative dissonance inside of us. Trying to think and believe two oppossing things at once.
This is when the anger, depression, self doubt, and personal illness may set in. I was exhausted mentally and physically by the time I got him out for good. I just did not have it in me to listen to ONE MORE WORD from his mouth.
It's one big cluster f--k.
God bless,
Goldie
My ex psychopath used to say
May 11, 2012 - 3:24am — MeAgainMy ex psychopath used to say what great sex we had the first time we had dated 6 yrs previous. We never even had sex the first time we dated. Then he would get pissed off at me for not remembering and ask me had I really been with that many men that I couldn't even remember the great sex we had? Then he would roll his eyes and look at me with a hurt and disgusted look on his face and walk away. I thought I was going crazy. I knew we had never had sex the first time we dated but I started second guessing myself, then asking myself have I really slept with that many people that I can't even remember? I felt like such a whore.
Creating Self Doubt
May 11, 2012 - 1:51am — mustlovedogs1960I think what Ns like to do is create doubt. They are clearly not in touch with you and therefore will try and have you question your own sanity. I am aware of the many times my N would ask me if I remembered certain things he said or we did. I would grimace and just nod to pacify him in reality I knew he was wrong and forgetful. Narcs want to manipulate us and by questioning your memory it is being mean and cruel.
Just remember you need to let go. I am very new here but everyone is terrific and supportive. Narcs are nuts.