I actually feel bad....A LOT of anxiety!!!

I actually feel bad....A LOT of anxiety!!!
Posted May 10, 2012 - 12:10pm
0

it's like my brain completely forgets everything he has done....how abusive he been and I feel bad or guilty for just cutting him out of my life without at least an explanation. I think I am now the one being mean.....how fucked up is that!! I am NOT saying that I am not going to go and stay NC.....I'm just trying to talk about how I feel right now. It just scares me to be doing this.....I feel alot of anxiety right now, and I just don't know why. What is this all about??
I guess also that I always held on to the possibility that maybe he could and would change, I am certain, as much as it upsets me, that it is NEVER possible. And worst than that.....he has been getting off on torturing me....he has been trying to set me up in different situations that I would lose it and he could really "pay me back" and start filing criminal charges on me.
One more question......I don't think that he would try to come after me. What people think about him is far too important, so I think he will just eventually go away....he has the whole church thing going on and he has done a beautiful job in convincing everyone that' it's all me. Am I in denial about this....is there any possiblity he would really do something?? I don't think so, but I just don't want to get blindsided if he changes his tactics....

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wsh's picture

Joy, mine has said/done

May 11, 2012 - 8:39am — wsh

things since I kicked him out that I never thought he "would do". Yours just may "change his tactics" because YOU are changing the "dance"!! Please remember his bullshit is ALL ABOUT CONTROL! When the "old" ways no longer work - because YOU are stronger, NC, & not LETTING THEM WORK - there's no telling what he will do.

So, please be careful & protect yourself in every possible way. Better safe than sorry, right?

Stay strong!

Alissa's picture

You wrote: "it's like my

May 10, 2012 - 1:51pm — Alissa

You wrote: "it's like my brain completely forgets everything he has done....how abusive he has been"

Why don't you write a list here of all the things he did to hurt you ? Would that be an idea? It will help remind you that YOU are not the one at fault

Hugs to you, you can do this!!!!!

Alissa

p.s. I've also been writing in a diary for years. It helps to read it all back and to remember all that happened. I tend to 'forget' things too.

Deidre99's picture

Change is very, very hard,

May 10, 2012 - 12:43pm — Deidre99

Change is very, very hard, Joy.

Basically what happened here is...you grew comfortable in living with an abuser. Yes, comfortable. Not happy. Comfortable. You letting an abuser go, is uncomfortable. Change is often not comfortable, at first.

But, over time. You won't feel guilt. This is HIS VOICE talking inside your head right now. Where's Joy's voice? What does she want?

Start listening to her, again...and less of him. He has convinced you, that you are not worthy of anyone. You are nothing without him.

It's simply not true.

You're doing great. You will have these uneasy thoughts for a while. It can be daunting to leave one's abuser. The abuser has done a masterful job of convincing his victim that he/she needs him/her. That he/she won't make it in the real world. In your case, Joy...he threatens you a lot.

Time...NC...and working on yourself, will heal this wound.

I pray you never return to him, Joy. He is downright scary.

alicejo's picture

I struggle with this, too. I

May 10, 2012 - 12:15pm — alicejo

I struggle with this, too. I feel so stupid for falling for his tricks, but the only comfort that I can find is seeing that other people fall for it, too, so it's not just me.