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Haven't talked to him since March 13 (phone, final goodbye after a hoover attempt the week prior). He already by then had his relationship with the OW started. As of this morning I was feeling like I was finally letting go, in fact peacefully letting go of anybody, including a friend who has been pulling away since a recent disagreement. I was ready to start today at peace with letting go of everybody and everything and forgiving myself for all my mistakes.
I think I was also of the mindset that he is due to D&D the OW since she made it obvious that she is very eager and willing to chase him around and he likes to do the chasing, so shouldn't he be getting bored?
THen I see that she took a photo of his buddy at his house at midnight and put it on FB via mobile (I have the buddy, but not him, on my fb). Total set back. Then on my way home from work today, I go by his house (not stalking, he lives in my area on a main drag a few streets over from me) and there they are, her in her cute little sun dress, standing outside enjoying the sunshine..of course that's when he had to look up and see me see them...how nice, after last night's get-together, she spent the day with him in the yard looking all comfortable as if she keeps clothes there or maybe MOVED IN!!!
A total set back from what I was feeling this morning...being wrong about the D&D that should be starting...dammit!!! He did textbook passive narc stuff to me but now I'm questioning if maybe it was just ME and the OW is somehow special to get away with chasing him around...stuff that would have got me the ST once I thought I felt comfortable enough to let my guard down with him...before that it was 6 months of me letting him do the chasing and everything turning out fine until I felt comfortable, and he bought his house and his roommates moved in...
Why is the NC part such a roller coaster too?? After this long being apart from anyone else, I'm good and over it...why does it still bother me?????
Let's say he does live
May 9, 2012 - 3:48pm — Deidre99Let's say he does live happily ever after with her (which I doubt)....why does that mean you somehow are 'lesser than?'
You're not lesser than.
Narcissts have a way of making women feel that we are all contestants on some warped version of the show, ''The Bachelor.'' lol
Lining up...and waiting our turn. Ooohhh...pickkk meeee!
Once you start viewing yourself as better than all that nonsense, you won't care who he dates...who's wearing a sundress in his yard...who's taking pics of his buddy. You won't care, because you will know that your self worth isn't wrapped up in what any man thinks of you.
Get there, and you will have less days like this one. It's less about him...NOT AT ALL ABOUT THE OW...and more about you, now.
Here's to healing! :)
Yes
May 10, 2012 - 2:14am — BlueMist''The Bachelor.'' contest =)) hahahaha
sometimes the married ''Bachelor''
Cheers,
Blue
P.S. One fav quote ''why fit in when u were born to stand out?''.
Be glad u're out, some never are.
THank you for your
May 9, 2012 - 3:57pm — uncomfortablynumbTHank you for your encouraging words...i believe you in my head, you are making total sense...you are right, who cares who he is with and what he does?? He hasn't even WORKED in the last 6 months...got fired 2 months after dumping me hahahaa!!! So the OLD me wouldn't give a rats ass about someone this long unemployed who HAS to be stressed about losing everything that makes up his image.
I hate that he got to me this way...Ive had narcs before, but they didn't impact me like this...maybe because the Idealisation phase with this one was absolutely brilliant...makes me wonder if there was some sad dumpee before me who felt the same way...
yes, cognitive dissonance is
May 9, 2012 - 4:02pm — Deidre99yes, cognitive dissonance is mighty powerful indeed. lol i remember.
but, it's so hard to explain. as time goes on. lots of time. i'm almost a year NC, and over a year broken up with my ex...time does heal this wound.
i heard about him recently, and it was like hearing about a stranger on tv. lol honestly. it felt good to not care whatsoever.
you will get there. let yourself feel this pain. pain isn't so bad, you know. i mean, if it causes you to not function, that's one thing. but, some pain and suffering is good. it helps us learn and grow. without pain and suffering, we couldn't appreciate the better things in life.
so don't dismiss this suffering as all bad. embrace this time. you're a great person. you are great without a man telling you so. ((hugs))
my fear
May 9, 2012 - 3:39pm — luvapugThis is my fear too!!! It is a roller coaster and seems to be getting worse!! Instead of fear, I feel hopelessness, a void unfulfilled...my future erased...
I think the OW will get the same treatment...but what if she doesn't??? How are we supposed to get through all this with our dignity and souls intact???
Sorry, I know that I didn't help :(
-luvapug
Ahhh no worries...in fact it
May 9, 2012 - 3:58pm — uncomfortablynumbAhhh no worries...in fact it DOES help to know I'm not the only one who feels the empty hole, and the worry that she will get what I wanted to keep getting, happily ever after...I never ever want to be in this place again...
She Will
May 9, 2012 - 3:45pm — BtrflyGrlWe all get ours in turn....She's just next in line. Next thing you know her sundresses will turn to sweatpants and her adoring smiles to confused tears...It happens to us all eventually.
If
May 10, 2012 - 2:12am — BlueMist...it wouldn't be so sad I would laugh.
Sweatpants, overweight, fries and crying in the pillow.
Blue
Ladies; It has NOTHING TO DO
May 9, 2012 - 3:54pm — Deidre99Ladies;
It has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OW. Nothing...she's just another pawn in the game.
I understand your concerns, but if he were alone and not dating anyone, would your pain be less? No. He still hurt you. Still let you go.
Don't let the OW cloud what you know he is. He's a narcissist. With or without another person taking 'your place,' that's what he is.
I think there is a concern, because you look at the OW...as if she and he last? Then, surely you were the cause of the ending of the relationship.
But, alas! You are not the cause! We all have flaws. You brought conflict into the relationship. That's life. But, you didn't abuse him. He abused you. And abusers don't change. He will abuse the next person...and the next.
I will tell you. If he dumps this new person, that you see him with now...if you have not worked on yourself...you will be no further along with your healing.
Your healing doesn't hinge on whether he dumps this new girl, or rides off into the sunset with her.
Your healing hinges on you.
Make it so... don't mean to beat a dead horse, but the OW isn't some greek goddess sent from the heavens ...she's just like you. Just like me. A girl looking for love.
I know it's not about OW.
May 9, 2012 - 5:38pm — BtrflyGrlI know it's not about OW. But, at least in my case, based on history, it's only a matter of time before the same thing happens to her. Meaning, she is not special or better than me, just like I wasn't better than the ones before. It's him not her. And, yes I know, It's about me and my boundaries, health, etc. and not really about them at all.
I just re-read your last
May 9, 2012 - 4:23pm — uncomfortablynumbI just re-read your last post...again, an eye-opener!!! I brought conflict into the relationship!! That's all I did!!! And that is LIFE!!! If there is no conflict, someone is lying. And the conflict was based on me calling him on his shady behaviours and letting him know I would not accept it...and not in a hissy-fit way, either...calmly stated. But still, he could not take it. Had to punish me.
AND it was HIM that felt more secure to bring on the D&D...just bought a house, got roommates (which he felt he REALLY needed due to the financial hit buying a house can be at first), had his job out of town....why did he need to pretend to care about me and "come around" when I called him on his BS...which I found endearing...when he no longer had a use for me...he no longer felt he should have to act like he gave a rip..can't help but be curious what purpose she is serving since he is jobless and the roommates have since bailed as well.
RIGHT AGAIN!!! Thank you so
May 9, 2012 - 4:11pm — uncomfortablynumbRIGHT AGAIN!!! Thank you so much D99...what you said about if he dumps her it will not bring the healing...I thought it would...I thought that anything like confirmation that he has at least STARTED the D&D would be my validation, and it would be, on some level...I think taking up with her right after hoovering me put it as him blatantly choosing HER, a Stranger, over ME...when he knows who I am...
but I guess I am again looking outside for what I should find within, that obviously I have never done to the extent that I need to.
Dang!
And, thank you, there is nothing like talking to someone who GETS it...nobody else gets it.
I should thank him for being
May 9, 2012 - 4:29pm — uncomfortablynumbI should thank him for being such a mirror and not only showing me how awesome I am in the idealisation phase, but for showing me that I wasn't all "together" as I, and all my friends, tend to think I am...really, pain IS ok, and this has been a rather humbling experience...one of many on the road of life.
THANKS!!! AGAIN!!!
What if...........
May 9, 2012 - 4:04pm — LaylaWhat if I were to tell you that "I" was a greek goddess?
Hahaha, just kidding!
love~ Layla
lol!! present company
May 9, 2012 - 4:07pm — Deidre99lol!! present company excluded of course! :=P
you're cute, layla. hee hee