Perhaps this is more of a legal question, but I really would like to hear your input

this shall pass

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Posted May 9, 2012 - 4:16am

I've been posting and reading here and pretty much staying NC for the past 3 weeks. However, this week as a date of a trial is approaching, I'm beginning to think more and more about what would be the right thing to do.

I'm realizing that being with a disordered person really blurs the senses and while he spent countless nights and days hurting, abusing and accusing me of being a liar, bitch, whore and everything in between, I no know and see in my deepest part of my heart how this is all what was an illusion he created to keep me locked into his cycle of abuse and spinning downward in EVERY sense, ethically as well

so about a year ago, after more than 3 years of abuse and me feeling like I'm on the verge of a complete mental, emotional and physical breakdown, the disordered got into a discussion with me on the phone, I was telling him how I've had it with his abuse, name calling, berating, putting his hands on me, violating me in every sense and using me financially in the worse, most inhumane way I've seen to the point of me leaving my job and having to leave the area and go live with family and not having barely any funds!! so after this discussion where I was crying on the phone, telling him he could never bring me back the years I lost but that he should at least pay back the tens of thousands of dollars he took ungratefully and horribly from me. He laughed it off and as usually, told me I owe him nothing, I hung up the call and kept walking down the street, telling myself I just need to get my life on track and start from point zero. As I was down the street, the disordered decided it was a good idea to come toward me on his car and drive up the sidewalk I was on coming close to me, I jumped to a grass area and was panicking, feeling like I've had it with the violations. I called 911, he of course left the scene with a smile on his face. two people cutting the grass nearby saw it and gave their statements to the police. So he gets arrested. that was a year ago, and I was still tied into his world of madness so I show up in court and I ask for the stay away order to be removed. I go to grand jury and just say how he has not been abusive and that was a very isolated incidence, he even had me convinced (through a combination of raging at me and being nice and kind occasionally) that it would be a good idea to tell the jury and court that we have NEVER had a romantic relationship!! (this is someone who I've been romantically involved with for 3.5 years) they said he couldn't handle having a Domestic violence case on his record and that stating that we're not involved will dispel the ground for that. Me being stupid and spinning in his world of distortions where anything just goes whenever he wants it, while he's punish me for even speaking to male co-workers and accuse me of sleeping with everyone and lying, this is the same person who talked me into LYING!!

All of this, has led to the charges being reduced but I guess prosecution is still convinced something did happen despite all my statements of how not much, if any has happened. Now there's a trial (non-jury trial) scheduled for next month. I feel at this point that I either don't want to me part of this at all or that I want to go and tell the truth, let it be known how he completely screwed with me on all levels for years. I'm not sure if it's too late or what to do. Will I be judged, picked on..his defense even told me that the way they see this resolved is if I basically testify that I made a false report (basically to say I lied to law enforcement) or to say I'm prone to delusions and altered reality and made this up (crazy in other words) I know I'm NEITHER of these things. I did not lie and he's been abusive BEYOND this one incident and I'm not crazy and i don't make up my own reality..

If the case does not get dropped somehow before next month, then I'm expected to be there (I'm not in the same area right now but will be around during next month most likely)
I have not yet been contacted by his lawyers as of recent, but the DA office said they were going to review the case and let me know, but they have not gotten back to me, and I have a feel they may decide to proceed and go through with it regardless..

Please advice if you've been through similar situations and or can offer some legal advice. is there any regard to the fact that sometimes women make statements out of fear, abuse, brainwashing but once they wake up, they want to tell the truth without being judged or called crazy or liars..

Did he break the law? Yes.If

May 9, 2012 - 10:03am — Deidre99

Did he break the law? Yes.

If the courts want to proceed...so be it.

He shouldn't try to kill people next time.

Sadly, even if this man has something like this on his record...HE STILL WON'T CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. My ex spent time in jail he said long before he met me, for assault. He had domestic violence on his 'record,' and had two RO's against him from two out of the four failed marriages.

They don't change.

But, if he broke the law...there should be justice for you...and for society. We can't just run our cars onto sidewalks and scare people. Suupose you fell forward and went under his car? Thank goodness nothing happened, but it very well could have. I mean, he's a danger to society, frankly...not just you at this point.

He's a farmer. He's reaping a harvest of what he's sowed.

My court experience

May 9, 2012 - 9:12am — luvapug

After I had my exNH served with divorce papers, he came by the house, opened the garage door and "watched" me...he was uninvited and threatening so I called 911 (I let them know he was also bipolar and alcoholic). When the officers arrived they immediately searched his car, they found a cocked and loaded gun wedged between the driver's seat and the console. He also had a full box of rounds in the car. Needless to say he was arrested and the County actually was the one to press the charges for Stalking.

This story is way longer and way more complicated, but the most important part was when he was being arrainged, I was present in the court room. I remember thinking "how does a man who had everything, get to this point, who is this person, the person I know would never take the limit this far!" I cried in the courtroom seeing him in an orange jumpsuit, ankle cuffed and handcuffed...he looked so weak! The court asked if I had anything to say and I said "it was too hard for me to comment." I wished and wished things were different at that very moment...but as time passed and because I had an order of protection, he could not contact me and guilt trip me, I thought realistically about it all.

The reality is, had I not called the cops, I could've been dead...had I not called the cops, he may have continued to stalk me with the potential to kill me, or had I not called the cops he would have continued his torture in other ways...but bottom line...they get worse...my exNH went crazy and ended up with 4 felonies AFTER he got the misdemeanor for stalking!!! long story....

Don't let emotion blind you to the reality of his abuse...he will hurt you eventually if YOU let him off the hook...you deserve to voice reality and NOT let them paint you as the psycho...please do not let the court/lawyer Devalue you as well, you have been hurt enough...it is so hard to testify against the person you love, I have had to do it many times, but I would prep myself by saying "THIS is not the person I know...this is a shell of the man I loved and he cannot get away with this criminal behavior!!!"

-luvapug

Thank you for sharing your

May 9, 2012 - 10:03am — this shall pass

Thank you for sharing your court experience luvapug. I'm sorry to hear about what you went through but I think it's a blessing that you have survived this horrific experience.
I was also feeling this guilt and cried and cried on days leading up to his preliminary hearing, jury hearing and so on and he would meet with me and be either super nice and sweet to me or rage at me and tell me how I messed up his life by having this DV record and that he's not able to get the jobs he wants (mind you for the past 3 years I have not seen him hold on job and he's been just living off of different people) yet he had me believe that he was holding some type of work or position he can't speak of (like it's a high top clearance work) when in fact he's jobless and his wife/ex-wife told me she was paying some of his bills..

Anyway, his ways worked into getting me to not share the truth and I feel bad because being a liar is NOT my reality. He's the one who's been constantly lying and accusing me and driving me toward insanity, and the same one who got me to lie..What baffles me is that he will find an excuse to just about anything immoral that has to do with saving him, but when it comes to others, he will not excuse anything (in fact, he told me I should be in pain and humiliated for years to come for the things I've done) and those things are imaginations and things he magnified in his own mind (Such as me meeting a male co-worker and having a convo turns into me sleeping with them and that is why i got a certain job! WTF!!!) sooo sick..oh and the last one which really drove me over the edge was when I met with his own Defense person (one is a male) and we agreed to meet in one place but ended up changing the location to another place right down the street, when I told this sick man the story, he started asking me tons of questions and basically hinting that I'm getting involved with his defense person..I just couldn't' take it at that point, Here I am meeting with this person so we may just get things resolved and move forward and I get accused of having "something" with him..WTF!!!!

I'm sorry that I'm going on and on about this but it's really been inside of me and I have not shared it all with anyone and sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy from the sick f-ing twisted nonsense this man put me through//

Another point

May 9, 2012 - 10:20am — luvapug

Thanks, I think we can all relate to some form of ambivilence regarding the N's behavior. I forgot to mention that BEFORE I filed for divorce, he had an accident on his ATV....basically he was drunk, and flipped his ATV and had a 7 inch gash, 4 inches deep in his lower back....I had to rush him to the emergency room, but he was turning white on the way, so I flagged a cop down. When the ambulance arrived, they asked me if he had been drinking, which I said no BECAUSE he threatened me I better not tell or he will go to jail!!! I lied FOR HIM and he ended up doing far worse things later....had he gone to jail then, I may not be 40k in the hole for a divorce that took 2 years from a complete and utter PSYCHO! Don't protect him, it just gives him another opportunity to hurt you...finish this...it is his actions for which he must pay for...

-luvapug

Too hard for him to comment??? Yeah Riiiiight!

May 9, 2012 - 9:21am — Layla

They ALL do this innocent-little-lamb-whoa-is-me-act when the cuffs are on them and they are wearing the orange jumpsuit. Their demeanor is COMPLETELY different too because they are wearing their "innocent victim" MASK. I have seen it from my own abuser- more manipulation.

Truth!

love~ Layla

Be strong but you will be re-victimized all over again.

May 9, 2012 - 8:49am — Layla

I have been through the bullshit that is the "legal system". I can't pretend to know all the ins-and-outs but I can tell you, after having had to deal with a violent psychopath PD, the "law" seems to be very coddling toward the perpetrator.

I won't go into all the details because it is too lengthy but I can tell you that if your abuser pleads "guilty" he will get a lesser punishment for sure and these PDs, once sitting in the "hot seat" with the possibility of having to pay for their EVIL deeds, will do ANYTHING to get out of it, including schmoozing YOU over so you don't testify. They are NOT interested in their victim, they are ONLY interested in staying out of jail.

My abuser PDh, is a complete and utter evil abuser who put me through HELL. One night, he grabbed me, ripped my clothes off, raped me, and tried to strangle me to death. I am NOT exaggerating. He tried to strangle me to death. By the sheer grace of God I was able to break free from this drunk abuser and ran out of the house in a Chicago January with nothing on but a long black wool coat I grabbed on the way out the door.

Months of back and forth with his lawyer and court dates and all this other bullshit, when it came down to the wire, and I WAS going to testify, the COWARD plead "guilty" and you know what he got??? TWO YEARS PROBATION. That's it.

I have been "out" and NC now for 11 months and I hate him. I completely hate his guts. I WILL "recover", but I don't think I will ever stop hating him for all the things he has done to me. I am very angry I allowed it. Never again. EVER. There are a LOT of women in prison for killing their abusive partners. Although I AM out and would never risk prison over this "thing" I can completely understand what drives a woman to do something so drastic.

love~ Layla

Layla it breaks my heart to

May 9, 2012 - 10:50am — this shall pass

Layla it breaks my heart to see that other women have been through things I have been through, It actually brings me a lot of discomfort because it reminds me and confirms to me that such individuals are SO disordered and indeed using the same tactics..

Mine was offered a plea offer but he rejected it, this is why it's going to trial. He is so confident about his innocence and perhaps one thing in his favor is that he has no prior records, but as I think about it, the only reason that's the case is that this sick f--k got away with so many things he's done, not just with me but with other women (some of whom I know for SURE would have landed him in jail) in fact, I was at one point, sitting pleading with one woman not to take things too far because she had pulled over next to an officer and started speaking about the abuse he's done to her (at that point, I had not seen that from him so I really thought she was crazy or making stuff up, I should've believed her) she described how he's choke her, stop her from leaving the house, questions her and her loyalty even when a maintenance person comes by to fix something in the house, he'd ask her what she has going on with him, sick bastard...

Layla what you describe I've been through, except the person who did it to me is this "health conscious" individual who does not drink or smoke and is soooo into holistic living and medicine. little did I know then that people can be toxic beyond their life styles..one more than one occasion, he choked me and put a pillow on my face to the point where I thought I was not going to make it, he shoved me and one tore my clothes on more than one occasion and spun me around the room, he's stuck his hands inside of me in a very hurtful way and one time when I was sick and urinating blood. I felt so broken and that I was damaged for good following all these episodes, really going over the sidewalk with a car is the least of it all. I felt in more recent times that I HATE him, for all the sh--t he put me through...

I would advise talking to a

May 9, 2012 - 8:29am — Janie53

I would advise talking to a lawyer. This is complicated and shouldn't be driven by emotion.
Good Luck!

Stay true!

Janie I don't know if I can

May 9, 2012 - 10:59am — this shall pass

Janie I don't know if I can afford a lawyer. This man has cost me so much in the past years I walked away from the relationship that two years ago I was at the point where I got basically laid off from my job, withdrew my retirement funds just to be able to pay the debt and have some money to spend, and left the area because I couldn't live there anymore without a job, and when I reach to him for help, he said he doesn't know anyone who could help me, only one that would wanna screw me...
it's taken me sine then just to get up on my feet again and Im blessed to have a decent job now but I'm trying to save every cent I have, I dont have anything in my name while I spent over 30,000 $ helping him at least, paying for his car repairs, dental work, bills, even helping family members of his whom I don't know and sometimes he'd take cash and not even let me know what it's going toward. in the last 3.5 years, I was the one buying the groceries for him and for myself and he'd never offer to buy anything for me, I'm not exaggerating when I say this!!

on top of this, I need to help some family members who have limited income and need food and medicine and other stuff..I don't know if I can pay a lawyer. I'm even struggling with the therapist fees and I've been cutting down my appointments with her. I'm just upset that after all the crap he's done and what he's taken from me, that I'm still paying, money, time and energy going away just to get to a point of basic normalcy..

I have one thing to say and

May 9, 2012 - 7:21am — Hunter

I have one thing to say and you need to think about this..

HE TRIED TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!

Hunter

This is what I would do. Not

May 9, 2012 - 4:34am — Renegade

This is what I would do. Not necessarily what I would advise you to do; that's up to you.

I would go to court and testify truthfully as to what had happened, the sort of abusive relationship I was in and cite that is why I changed my testimony - out of fear of what he would do if I carried through. But that now I am away from him physically and feel relatively safe, I am comfortable testifying as to what had happened.

I would advise you do this because IF he comes after you again, your credibility with the police & court from this incident will be severely compromised - they always come back, too.

The reason the prosecution is pursuing this is because there are witness statements...I'm assuming you also mentioned in the report that you were involved with this man and that he was abusive? So I'd LOVE to hear what the defense's strategy would be to counter that! Oh, are the eye witnesses living in altered reality too???? LMAO!

Keep in mind, DAs, police and the courts are very familiar with abuse and they realize the emotional toll this takes on its victims. They are advocating for you when you would not do it for yourself. HELP THEM! and good luck!

Thank you for the advice

May 9, 2012 - 5:40am — this shall pass

Thank you for the advice Renegade. Yes I have mentioned in the report and the 911 call that he's been abusive. I feel like he spent all these years talking to me about what is ethical and what is right and wrong, telling me I should be punished for years and be humiliated for things I did not do (And for things that were not my own doing) yet he wants to get away with all the pain and abuse he dished out to me while making me out to be the crazy or the liar.

I feel like if I go and tell the truth, perhaps I'll be heard by the prosecution but I know his defense will attempt to shred my credibility, and even site the fact that I'm seeking therapy. He somehow convinced me that I may be indeed suffering from PTSD from living/being in a war/conflict zone but I know this is NOT the reason I've woken up recently with nightmares, anxiety, panic. I know that the years of being with him is worse on my emotional and mental body that living even in the midst of a war zone with bombs flying over my head!!

The defense can attempt to

May 9, 2012 - 6:25am — Renegade

The defense can attempt to malign your credibility all they like - the truth and the facts are - there were eye witnesses who gave statements that corroborate your claims. It's not an issue of you being required to prove his PAST behavior; in fact, I'd keep that part completely out of it. It's irrelevant to the act that landed his ass in court. The act of trying to murder you with a 2,000 pound vehicle is serious enough to justify a r/o, if not jail time. I hope you're aware that what he did constitutes attempted murder - I hope that pisses you off enough to stand up to this creep and bring a healthy dose of accountability to bear for him at long last.

Defense knows all of this and they are attempting to intimidate you; to keep you from testifying - they know you are abused and they are exploiting your fragile state every bit as much as their abusive client did with their threats. Lawyers are SUCH scum bags. You are the moving party - without your testimony, the court's authority is limited. With your testimony, they can throw the book at him - which is what I believe the DA really wants to do - but they need your help.

your assessment of the

May 9, 2012 - 6:52am — this shall pass

your assessment of the situation is so spot on! in fact, I feel like you're hearing me without me delving into all the details. You know the defense may be trying to advocate on his behalf but honestly upon talking to them I realized that they have been lead on and lied to by him. One person told me that upon hearing my account, he's realizing how "bull--" their clients part of the story was about it. Also he told me that he was disappointed in the way things were misrepresented by the client because all their preparations has been on a certain assumption (that there was no prior relation and therefore no interest or intent to abuse or no ground for a domestic violence case) and so all of this has been in vain because they did not have the full facts. this is someone who's lying to the people who are supposed to represent him! he even had told them something about how perhaps I've misrepresented facts because of English not being my first language and I didn't realize that until one of his defense people was talking to me and saying "ah do you understand when we say in English "to throw the towel" do you know this expression) I felt like "what the F--k??) and when I confronted him about it, he said he did it to basically "save me" or let me get away with the apparently horrendous things I did..

In the last few months, being away from his area, I began to gain a clearer idea of how messed up he is and how he was messing me up in every sense, but he really kicked the mental and emotional abuse into full gear, one thing he's done in the past months is tell me on the phone how the truth needs to come out and how I lied and made up stories about the car blah blah bla, then he would hang up on me. I would feel raged and keep calling and he'd pick up the phone and hang up on me repeatedly, then after numerous times, he may say "you are harassing me! not only did you lie and misrepresent things, but my phone bill has nothing but your number on it because you keep calling me and threatening me" this is what he told me!! after all the sh-t he put me through!!!! I feel like he was building up some case to discredit me and make me seem unstable or a liar..

Honestly, I'm disgusted with him and see him for the monster that he is, and the only thing holding me back is because he has a child (from another woman) and I know the child is attached to him in many ways and I don't want to break up this relation. yet I feel like he's had no compassion, no empathy toward me, and even after all his deeds he put me through hell with blaming, and distorting the truth, silent treatment and episodes of cruel discarding..I cant even begin to list the things he did..

This is the point in your

May 9, 2012 - 7:19am — Renegade

This is the point in your life where you either draw your line in the sand, or you resign yourself to this asshole's abuse until you either go nuts or he kills you. Getting up there and testifying has so very little to do with "justice" where he is concerned (though it's a nice side benefit)and everything to do with you taking control of your life back from him. This is your defining moment!

I was involved in a contested child support case where I represented myself and went up against two attorneys the ex hired for his defense - I'm going to share with you what I did and believe me, it made all the difference, so it's tried and true information:

1. Cut off ALL contact with him. Don't care what is going on outside of this case, you have no reason to remain in contact with him at all - he remains a bully who doesn't GET IT - he's trying to intimidate and control you - so far, it's worked beautifully. Cut off contact, and watch how much easier it is for you to think your side of the case through and how much you'll WANT to get up on that stand and spill your side of events.

2. REALLY important - do not trust a word that comes out of any lawyer's mouth that is not advocating on your behalf. They are HIS attorneys; not yours. They are going to try to play good cop/bad cop, run him down to you; all with the goal in mind of getting you to let your guard down. They will try to downplay his role and make this about you vs. the attorneys and they're really, REALLY nice people aren't they? You wouldn't want to be "mean" to them, would you? PFFFFT!!!!! Tell them that their relationship with their client is neither any of your business nor any of your concern. Ask them if they have anything relevant to the case they'd like to discuss and if not, end the call right then and there. If good cop/bad cop strategy doesn't work, they will turn into total pricks and attempt to intimidate you. Again, not relevant to the case, is it? End the discussion on the spot if they engage in making threats or threatening statements. Respond with a dial tone.

3. What this man did to you is serious. Treat it with the seriousness it deserves. That means, NC with him from this point forward - and limited contact with his attorneys if you don't have one of your own. Contact with them should focus only on facts relevant to the case and nothing else. Do not share any personal information with them that is not tied directly to what happened when he tried to mow you down with a car. Anything that happened prior to that event, you have no obligation to share with them and only gives them information to use against you while they prepare his defense.

Our problem as empaths, is that we inherently believe that all people at their core are good. Well we've all learned the hard way that's not always true. And even after the awful treatment we received at their hand, we STILL want to believe they are good people. Why? Because what does it say about us if we willingly stayed with an evil person? This inner struggle has nothing to do with the exes and everything to do with us.

Finally, the nice benefit of it all is...you are costing him a fortune in attorney's fees. If it goes to a jury trial, that's at least $20,000 in litigation expenses alone. Not counting his retainer and all the legal fees he's racked up to date. Money, I suspect, or rather his lack of it - is what is motivating his attorneys to try and strong arm you into walking away now. Do not fall for it! Protect yourself and give nothing away. You don't need his or their approval or validation.

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