lynsey's story

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#1 May 9 - 11AM
lynsey
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lynsey's story

the true story

Okay so ive already posted some of my story of here but think i missed out alot of the truths which i suppose ive been trying to avoid myself if im honest. Part of this is maybe denial but also part of this is maybe really wanting to believe that people can change as i feel everybody deserves chances to wrong their rights should they want to, maybe ive been too forgiving im not sure yet.
Like ive already said i met this person when i was around 20 i was drawn to him as he appeared confident and self assured. I looked up to him as he was well travelled and knowledgeable. The warning signs were maybe there but i ignored them, i can recall going out for a meal with him and my family for my fathers birthday and as we walked in there was a large table of young guys who looked over as you do when somebody walks through the door next to your table my ex had clicked his fingers at the table and stated "shes with me" something i had forgotten until reminded by my sister. My ex took great pleasure in telling me all about his past relationships although basically slating each girl in some way for some reason. He also talked about some of the girls in a sexually derogatory way at times stating "she did this in bed or she did that" etc.
He was possibly controlling from the beginning although im not sure if i realised the full extent i knew in my heart something about this wasnt quite right. He would often try and trick me or aks me questions to catch me out which pubs had i been to or if anybody had bought me a drink etc. He had also for my 21st birthday asked some younger guys he knew to keep any eye on me.
Early in the relationship he told me he loved me althouugh when i did not respond in the same way he took it back stating "he felt like he had to say it" he wanted to take me away to all these fabulous places and had asked my mother in secret as a suprise but she disagreed believing it was too soon in our relationship as in a matter of weeks. During these periods he would spend alot of time with female friends he had aquired before meeting me. He also seemed to talk alot about how variuos girls basically wanted to date him or had wanted to etc. Places we drove past or places we ate at he had slept with the waitress or had had sex with somebody there. Previous people he had dated he told me lots of people had also wanted to date them or male members of his family had looked at them in a lustful way. We never actually went out for drinks together as he felt he wouldnt like to see me drunk, he wasnt sure what i was like when i was drunk. He had told me his ex "was crazy when she was drunk" and this had put him off. Obviously this made me very cautious about being drunk when i went out in case i saw him or it got back to him.
Sporadically he decided he didnt want to be with me and during these periods dated other woman. I was left totally crushed. I even saw him give his number to a girl in front of my face, and also leave with somebody when i was standing there. He would try and put me down if he saw me out and about saying things like "ive seen you look better, you have nicer clothes than that, you look like youve gained weight or this one makes me laugh but at the time really hurt me " i never realised your second toe was bigger than your first" He would dangle the carrot for me stating " do you want to go to a concert etc, il call you" i actually got dressed and waited for him to arrive only to be crushed when i called him he said " i told you id check my diary" I found condoms and viagra in his pocket whilst doing his washing and even believed the poor excuse he gave me "sombody gave the condoms out for free, and a friend had given him the viagra as a joke to put in peoples drinks"
A girl who we both knew mutually although alot older had physically attacked me in a bar when i was on my own as my friends had went to the toilet for no reason. He didnt do anything about it but told me "i was too cocky and walked around like i owned the place" later he told me in an argument that he had slept with her which is why she did it. I had crashed my car and again he told me "maybe it will teach you a lesson you drive too fast" and i had to make my own way to work that night as he wouldnt take me.
He wiped his backside on money that owed me mum to give back to her. He told me that my family werent interested in me and that my friends used me and laughed at me. He withheld affection and intimacy from me initiating it then saying "na im not in the mood"
He had been paranoid about looking at my phone all the time despite me never ever actually doing anything at all. One night he accused me of keeping things from him and had demanded to look at my phone when i hadnt allowed it he smashed a glass cutting his hand. He did this another time although broke my brand new phone in half. I acted in rage and pushed him although he was twice the size of me and pushed me soo hard i literally flew through the air banging my chin arm and knees on the floor.
Inbetween all of these times i went back to him. He told me he couldnt move on with anybody else as he still loved me.
Before he planned to move to America he had asked me to go with him i was obviously dubious and initially felt too young to leave my family. When i decided i would go with him he told me "there were no job for nurses"
My dad later told me that he had found out the reason he had to leave was he owed alot of money to some not very nice people, something which he would deny to the hilt althought i have heard that he was into some not very nice things or knew some not nice people.
Before he left i found he had been contacting another girl late at night ( i checked his phone bill i know its wrong) i confronted him to which he was very angry about this time he literally picked me up and threw me out of the door. I didnt hear from him until 3 weeks later when he contacted me to accuse me of sleeping with one of his best friends when i was 17 "i always knew you were a slag" despite the fact that he was only the second person i had slept with. He left for america and i attempted to have a relationship with somebody when i wasnt ready and at a low point i feel as he also didnt treat me very nicely. Throughout this time my ex again sporadically contacted me to tell me about his life, how he missed me etc. I cant not recall him apologising for things but maybe im wrong. He moved from America to london, to leeds to now down the road from me.
During these times i did spent time with him. He has spent alomst years trying to show me that he has changed. It took a while and i tried on a number of occasions to break free from it ie changing my number but i soon caved as i missed him, or felt guilty. I eventually allowed myself to fall in love with him again and decided that as big a deal as it was i would tell my family and friends although i knew they wouldnt be happy i decided it was my life and i wanted to spend it with him. This is were he appeared to get cold feet. He was unhappy that i hadnt bought him an xmas present despite me trying to tell him i was broke but had planned to take him away in the new year. he broke up with me prior to valentines although text me on the day "thinking of you on valentines" he did not thank me for his birthday present which his mother had given to him ( it was very expensive and i had saved up for it) i read the book "it all about him" and realised that this was my ex.
I changed my number and really tried hard to move forwards with my life. Three weeks later he came to my door crying stating "everybody was against him, he needed me" i was hurt as he was hurt and caved again but not straight away. I met with him and wanted to talk about things this lasted around two weeks as he then decided that " i wasnt there for him when he really needed me" as in that instant on my door step. I noticed that he talked non stop about himself how good he was at work how nobody realised this. How much money he had spent on clothes for himself or furniture for his new house. He even basically said he wouldnt buy clothes from certain shops as he didnt want to look like everybody else around here. I confronted him that night about talking about himself and he decided that... It wasnt working. He couldnt give me what i want right now. He felt stressed with work. We would always be friends etc. I saw him in a pub a few days later and felt really awkward so pretended i didnt see him. He instantly grabbed me asked why i had ignored him "why are you out with people you dont even like, why are you talking in a weird voice" he even kicked his friend whilst we were talking and denied it. Later that night he sent me messages stating "im soo glad ive seen what you are really like, i was going to give you a second chance, i need to speak to you now. you made a fool of yourself last nigt, your better than than" he also threatened to get me banned from a pub his friend owns for what reason im not sure.
I did the wrong thing and started to beg him to take me back etc pestering him. Im finding this really hard not to go into the usual mode of missing him, wanting to be with him, falling into deep depression feeling so bad about myself that i cant leave the house. Worrying hel get somebody else better than me who it will work out with. Worrying whether its me that causes all of this. He accused me of pushing him away for too long, and told me he had wasted his life on waiting around for me, that he came back to marry me. I sent him an email basically saying what he was without using the word but what he had done. He asked me to send it again as he had deleted it although following that i have heard no more. I stupidly emailed him saying i was angry with him etc that i had loved him again no reply. Help please i need some advice guidance. I have recently started seeing a counsellor although this appears to be making me feel worse. Its hard to explain to somebody what somebody else has done to you or how theyve made you feel. She put it out there that everybody has to take their part on relationships which i have looked at my behaviour im a co dependent. She said i should be able to look at him with out being the "bastard or the god" but if i look at hom other than "the bastard" i start to feel sorry for him, guilty for my part in things and start to want to get things sorted and be with him going down the road of pestering him. Please help any suggestions
thank you xx

May 9 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

This Man is the Devil.., The

May 9 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
lynsey
lynsey's picture

Your very true maybe i havent

May 9 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Currently hard copy is not

May 9 - 12PM
Goldie
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Hello and welcome to the forum

May 9 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
lynsey
lynsey's picture

i think it may be seeing what