Initial premise, you dont know what he says about the past woman is true. They tend to make personal histories up as they go along. I know, I have spoke to the woman who replaced me & to the first ex-wife. Three women compared & contrasted what he said about them to the others. And, for example . . . at the end he was ragging on me all the time that he was "starved for affection" because I refused to do the sexually perverse stuff he wanted. Then he told the NW that he & Agnes had the best sex ever. I think he told her I was doing all that kinky stuff. Go figure?

They make stuff up to manipulate you into doing what they want. "My X was a horrible cook, couldn't boil water." Gets you to cook. "My X was so uninhibited sexually. We did group sex, sheep sex, cyber-sex, elevator sex, etc." Gets you to do all that because if you don't -- you're square & not good enough.

Then there is the "us" against her mentality. "My X is such a b8tch who screwed me over just so big time, broke my heart, the bank, stole my kids. . . ." Gets you to be nasty to the X at the child exchanges, etc. Make the X's life even more miserable. Some Ns even get NW to write the e-mails & letters to the X but sign N's name. (I know a woman who was then upset when the NW started to write her but signed N's name.) Also the "us" against her mentality gives the "us" something to talk about all the time. And women do love to sit around & dissect problems. Ns capitalize on this because a N standing alone has no interests & is really very boring.

Oh, & they do say the same lines to every woman. He told me: "Agnes, no woman has ever made me happier than you." Well, he told my replacement the same line. & he used the phrases in many instances. We are merely "props" in their production where they are the impresario. All the world's a stage, and N is the star, making it all up as he goes alone.

Hi! Yes indeedy, they love their drama. Mine told me all the time how he HATES drama (from everyone else), yet he found the energy to create a phantom fight between me and his wife.

When he told me he was dating after his divorce, I explained that I refused to participate in the same dynamic again.

Post divorce, he teamed up with his new GF and they/he wrote me a lovely harassing email from her account, hoping to start a fight between her and I. When I didn't react to the harassment directly to either one of them, he blew up and blamed it ALL ON ME.

because it works. They know that most women have a competitive side. No it's not a pretty thought, most of us hate to admit it, but it's the God's honest truth. Triangulation works because we DO constantly complete with one another. Men know this, (even non-narcs know this to be true) and NARCS use it better than anyone. They especially enjoy independent, capable, successful and competitive women because A) we don't give up easily B)we try to solve problems even when they aren't our own and C) because we like to WIN.

My NARC loved to triangulate me and his mother. Constantly and subtly encouraging me to compete with her.

So what is this all about - why feel the need to triangulate - and why do it continually with his ex-wife??

He's doing this because narcs are all about control and they LOVE drama. If the narc can triangulate two people against each (like you and the ex-wife) this puts him in control, AND in the middle of the swirling shit storm of drama which he created himself. What better way to make all of the focus about himself, and get tons of attention/drama than to get two people fighting over HIM (particularly two people already "trained" as his own sources of narcissistic supply)? If the drama starts slowing down at any time, and the narc still wants more, then all he has to do is mention something that will pit the two people against each other again. He already knows all of the "buttons" to push in order to get the optimum reaction from either person. Believe me, a narc ALWAYS wants more drama/attention/control. A narc is a bottomless well. He is in complete control of the triangulation until one of the other two people in the triangle stops feeding into his stupid game.

Xnh used to LOVE triangulating me against both his first ex-wife and his oldest, hideous P daughter. Between the two triangulations, xnh kept drama stirred up between us CONTINUALLY for 16 years. He was just as happy about all of this as a pig is wallowing in the mud. Xnh LOVED it. When he could triangulate, it was ALL ABOUT HIM.

Xnh's triangulation only stopped with *I* stopped it. I finally quit responding (in any way) to comments he made about the supposedly "awful" things said/done by his first ex-wife. The triangulation between myself and his oldest, hideous P daughter stopped when I threw her out of my house after she went to jail on felony drug charges, and then I went completely NC with her. We no longer had any relationship (and never would again). I refused to ever discuss her with xnh after I went NC with her. My lack of response/reaction made it pretty hard for xnh to triangulate me against his daughter (or his ex-wife for that matter). I simply refused to discuss/listen/react to anything about either person.

In short, I deleted my corner in the triangle, and xnh's game shape changed. It became a direct line instead of a triangle. Xnh was then required to fight directly with either his ex or his daughter to get his drama. He no longer had control over me when I withdrew....and yes, xnh then tried every way possible to get me back into the game. When it did not work, xnh then stepped up his abusive behavior in our marriage. At this point, I divorced xnh, and went completely NC with him as well.

Narcs are all about control. In order too get them out of our lives forever, WE MUST take our own control away from the narc. Do not allow them to be in control of OUR reactions. With triangulation, this mean we must stop participating in any way, and flatten the narc's "triangle" into a "line". As long as our third "corner" is available to the narc for triangulation, HE is in control. So to answer your above question, the narc triangulates for control, and he continues triangulation as long as it works for him. However, we do have power over ourselves, and our own reactions. We do have the ability to stop this abusive game in it's tracks.

I just read a little bit on the subject. I did a little cut and paste for you w/ a link. I can totally see this now. My ExN would always be setting up these scenarios of victim, persecutor, rescuer. He had me totally jealous and unstable about his past relationships. It's how they set things up to keep everybody off balance (think of a three legged table). So perhaps it's not so much about his EW as it is about making NS insecure.

Triangulation can occur in any relationship, but it is very common in a relationship with a narcissist. It may happen at home, at work, with friends, or within in family of origin. He may pit you against another woman, several other women, his mother, his friends, or any other person he can get to engage in his victim-playing who is willing to serve the role he assigns. He may also adopt the role of persecutor to assign blame or rescuer to maintain control of his image. In the end, this travel around the triangle is how he dumps shame and finds someone to blame for his misery. If there is always a role to play, there is always a way to escape responsibility by shifting the position on the triangle.

http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/t15705

said the same to me also in a different way - told me he had only ever trusted two women in his life, one being his ex-wife and one me!

I hate to say this, but he has said it to every women he has been with.....Thats what they do come out with the same old dialogue....
His exw....He HATES HER....he says things like this to you to WIND YOU UP....
SHE MUST HAVE REALY GOT HIM GOOD....GOOD FOR HER...
HE DIDNT MANAGE TO DESTROY HER, AND HE NEVER WILL...SHE DIDNT WANT HIM THEN, SHE DOESNT WANT HIM NOW, AND SHE WON'T BE CRAWLING BACK TO HIM....DELUSIONAL DICKHEAD...

I have no idea but what comes to my mind initially is that it is because she dumped him. He can't get over it because he wasn't the one in control of the situation.

Also, why would you tell your NS how great your exes were? If they were so awesome, um, why aren't you still with them?

Just a thought...Weirdos