I've been a member of this forum since last August. I submitted my story as well as a number of posts, and received lots of valuable advice and guidance from other members, which unfortunately, I DIDN'T listen to. After countless hoover attempts, I finally caved last November after a first class Oscar winning performance by the twisted son of satan!! I had spent months researching the disorder and coming on this site. I knew what he was, my gut told me what he was, but yet, I chose to believe that he had realised the errors of his ways and had become an empathic individual who would listen to me and would do 'anything to make it work'! What a load of bullshit!! More like 'anything to punish you and try and finish you off mentally, emotionally, and if he could, probably physically!! This is why I believe that breaking NC is basically mental and emotional suicide. For those of you going through a really tough day, and thinking of contacting the arsehole, please, please don't do it. A bad day on your own is heaven compared to any day being in contact with a Narc. I know it doesn’t feel like it, as I myself felt that I would rather put up with the daily abuse than not have him in my life. That’s the thinking of an addict, plain and simple. You HAVE to break that addiction once and for all, and NC is the only way.
Since November, we have broken up and got back together more times than I have changed my bloody underwear. It has been a rollercoaster ride with the devil himself! I have found out lie after lie after lie during this time, but still listened to his pathetic excuses and STILL took him back. He even accused me of having Borderline Personality Disorder and that I ‘abused’ him. This left me spinning so much that I ended up calling the abuse line, and asking them if I was an abuser. Of course, after hearing my story, they reassured me that I was not. Even after this episode, I still stayed with him. I don’t feel foolish or naïve now, I understand that I was an addict.
I have now been NC for coming up to 5 weeks. Well, I did break it over a week ago after he sent me a vindictive text and I ended up phoning him. Stupid, I know, but that phone call actually made up my mind. I was never ever going to allow anybody to make me question myself again?? I know who I am, my friends know who I am, and that is an empathic, beautiful human being with REAL feelings and emotions. After that call, I changed my phone number. I had reached a point when I knew that if I didn’t take action, he would succeed in his endeavour to destroy me.
Since last November, I have unmasked him time and time again. He knew that I believed that he was a Narc. I stood up for myself, which he hated, and I now see that each time he came back after giving me the silent treatment and trillions of pathetic excuses as to why he had given me the silent treatment,, it was to put another nail in my coffin. It was revenge. I was going to pay for not bowing to him anymore!
I was still snooping on FB though, and noticed his new fan club of women. Different ones to the ones that he had first time around. Wow, this guy sure is popular!!! Pity party galore!! A couple of days ago I blocked everyone and everything associated with him. I was obsessing over every little thing I saw and it was sending me crazy!!
So, I am accepting the fact that I was with an actor. A chameleon!! I am accepting the fact that the man I fell hopelessly in love with, that was my soul mate, that knew what I was thinking before I said it, that promised to look after me and my children, was NOT real. He was an illusion. The real man is a lying, cheating, manipulative, controlling human vampire, who wanted to suck the life out of me. I have now accepted that it’s not my fault and that no matter how hard I worked at the relationship, it would always end up the same. This experience says nothing about the person that I am, just as it says nothing about the people you are too!!
I still have very down days, but during these times, I allow myself to go with my thoughts, and accept that this is a normal part of recovery. I am keeping a thought diary and visiting a therapist, which are both helping me so much.
I hope to god that I will never hear from him again, but if I do, I will simply ignore. There is no point in telling him that I have recently discovered that he was sleeping with someone else the whole time he was with me etc etc, because it will just damage me, and I will not allow myself any more pain or misery.
There is a quote that I came across on here a couple of weeks ago, which sticks in my mind “when somebody shows you who they really are, believe them the first time”.
I will post my updated story in the next few days.
Take care and thanks for reading x