Brewing with upset and ruminating over his online postings

this shall pass

Member since:
1 year 23 weeks

Last activity:
14 weeks 5 days

Posted May 8, 2012 - 4:08am

So I've been almost 3 weeks NC and today I open one forum that he was on to find that he changed his profile pic to one where he shows his bare chest and shows off his muscles (we actually had an argument about this photo before when he put it up because I wondered why he'd put it as his profile pic, plus a female he knew apparently took it) and with that pic he had this quote about consciousness and humanity and all this nice spiritual stuff, defining himself as "life force energy moving"

What a stupid thing to do to even look up the stuff he posts because I'm sitting in my office nearly in tears and feeling a mix of sadness and rage, wondering who he's setting up the stage for and trying to impress with his talk that does NOT match his actions one bit.

How can someone that talks all this consciousness and spirituality violate another being on all levels. The abuse I endured from this m-f-er on all levels (mental, emotional, physical, sexual, financial) is beyond what I can describe in one post. Please excuse my venting but I'm feeling like my mind is about to blow up and my heart is heavy that he has the audacity to post this photo and all this talk and list a bunch of countries that he's met women from and been with. I know what he's doing and I know as we speak, someone is probably being conned and sucked into this madness by all his talk.

I also wonder if he's changed and that someone else perhaps will get to see him in his evolved and better personality, but I guess perhaps not, because I did hear all this talk and spiritual stuff only to be abused, lied to, disregarded, and confronted with some of the most cruel and inhumane mental abuse I have ever come across. silent treatment turned out to be a treat compared to the stuff he dished out that was making me on the verge of losing everything in my world...

I'm just upset right now. I know I should not even look at anything related to him because it will only bring me heartaches but I'm also certain that by not looking, the pain does not simply go away, the wondering is there. knowing he's just lining up someone else, charming them with his pic of his body, his conscious quotes and all his reference to the countries from which he screwed different women, it makes me nauseous to think about it...arggggggghhh

this shall pass

May 9, 2012 - 7:38am — onwithmylife

they never will change, my exnarc had 5 failed relationships, I was number 5, in his 60's, no one now, but maybe a few casual women to service his needs, but he could not care less that he lost the last true relationship of his life. He lives in his own delusional world of anger and hatred now directed at me instead of an earlier woman. It took me many hateful letters from him last fall to realize i had to go no contact for good in every way possible, you can do it too for YOUR sanity......they do not get it and never will.He never tried to kill me but did say out loud to me that he wanted to drive me off a cliff and get the house,if we got one together

wow, what kind of existence

May 9, 2012 - 11:15am — this shall pass

wow, what kind of existence is this? I guess the pain we feel being with them is just a glimpse of their inner torment and hatred they have, Mine has said some stuff like this although often saying I should take my own life, get a tool from the kitchen and do something or go in front of a car. One time I came out of the shower after a night of him taunting me, putting his hand on me and sexually also violating me, chocking me to confess doing something I did NOT do..then I come out of the shower with puffy eyes and a tired soul to find a knife on my towel. I guess he thought at that point that I was so broken down and just right at the point of finishing off the job for him..

I'll say it here too!!HE

May 9, 2012 - 7:24am — Hunter

I'll say it here too!!

HE TRIED TO KILL YOU...

Do you Remember Nicole Simpson??

Her skin on the back of her neck was the only thing left keeping her head attached to her body...

Do you want this to be you ???

Stop looking ...

Hunter

Hunter apparently he was only

May 9, 2012 - 11:08am — this shall pass

Hunter apparently he was only looking to be the gentleman that he is and pull over very close to where I was and offer me a ride. I can't believe I bought this BS in my moments of desperately wanting to believe he did not want to hurt me. After all the pain and hurt I endured, I'm really disturbed at my ability then to have blocked all of that out of my mind, now I see another benefit of NC which is seeing things more clearly for what they REALLY are, not for how this N perceives them to be...

One thing I'm wondering about is that all his abuse to me has always been done in private with no one looking or seeing, and this one was right in day light with people right down the street. what was he thinking???/

FB was my downfall

May 9, 2012 - 6:19am — Monarch

I broke NC after three months after I looked at his FB page. It was HELL. The worst D&D ever! I think he was getting back at me for going NC in the first place. I will not lie and say I haven't been tempted to look since, but, I just come on here and get a slap upside my head that says, "HE'S AN EVIL LITTLE BITCH! DON'T DO IT! He'll destroy all that you've accomplished this far and you'll have to start over." The only positive I can see from me looking is I will not eat for days and, hence, lose some weight. REEEEEEally, don't look at his stinky crap. Hug to you. I totally know where you are right now.

I hear you Monarch! in fact

May 9, 2012 - 6:26am — this shall pass

I hear you Monarch! in fact yesterday after I saw the ridiculous stuff he posted, including his own photo, something inside me wanted to reach out to him and say WTF??? after everything you've said and done, you're out here posting a pic of yourself with your chest all showing taken by a "female you knew" and posting all this conscious talk and higher thinking when you've done so much to break me down and humiliate me in every sense, treating me like crap and lying to me, leading me to believe I meant something when all u wanted is some supplies and now i dont hear a f-ing word from you!!!
so this long thought came up but I told myself what is the point, if I reach out to him raging at him after all the raging and discarding he did to me, he may receive that with apathy or say "oh now you speak to me after week of not speaking, I guess you've been out screwing your buddies or co-workers, getting some action.." he'll say something crazy making and deflective like this and I'll get caught up in defensiveness saying "oh no, what? are you crazy? I've been thinking of you and wondering and hurting" and he'll just write it all off and project all this sh--t on me and then hang up or disappear for weeks and I'll be left at point zero..

so I'm blessed to still have some sense in my head after all the abuse he dished out to know that i do NOT want his poison anymore

If you rage at him,

May 9, 2012 - 7:14am — Monarch

he may act apathetic or rage back or whatever his messed-up little self comes up with, but really he's loving the supply your giving him. Don't give him any supply. Starve the bastard. : )

One thing I believe is that

May 8, 2012 - 6:22pm — dulcinea441

One thing I believe is that REAL NC does not happen until you commit to blocking him on FB and whatever other social networks he frequents. Until you do that, you are keeping yourself a prisoner of his world and of his whims. You can't begin to heal yourself if you continue to dwell in his reality, forever allowing him to pull the strings of your heart and soul like an invisible puppet master. You have to make a conscious choice to take back your own power for yourself and cut him off completely as though he were dead.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I hope the memory of this most recent pain will remind you that peering into his life, however briefly, is just not worth it. Block him wherever you can, keep NC, start building a healthier, happier future for YOU.

xoxo D.

Thank you Dulcinea for your

May 9, 2012 - 3:57am — this shall pass

Thank you Dulcinea for your post. I do realize that what I've been doing does not constitute a full NC and it keeps me hooked into his distorted world and his cycles of different moods and the utter disregard to me and what I'm going through..
I have talked about this with my therapist and she said that checking on his is sort of like going through a dumpster or a garbage can. You already know the content, you know you'll most likely not find jewels there and you know that the stink that's coming from it is indicative to what's within it..

I'm thankful for all the support and insight I get when being here. I will keep reading and working on myself, healing my own wounds. I spent too much time thinking about him when he's not the least worried about what I'm going through

Whoops, double post!

May 8, 2012 - 6:26pm — dulcinea441

Whoops, double post!

I have to be honest here...

May 8, 2012 - 9:18am — Hunter

I have to be honest here...

First yes, Contact = Pain..

Now.. Why in the world would anyone put a photo of themselves half naked as their profile photo?.

That should sum it it.. End of Story ...

Hunter

Hunter you're right. I think

May 8, 2012 - 1:37pm — this shall pass

Hunter you're right. I think it does sum it all up. I was talking to my therapist today and in tears. I'm upset and crying over the fact that after all the pain, lies and disregard he put me through, I still gotta get up and pick up the shattered pieces, wake up in the middle of the night, go to therapy and spend more money and more time on repairing what's been damaged on all levels, while he walks away, showing off his body on public forums and hooking in someone new as if nothing ever happened..

When you know better you do

May 8, 2012 - 2:05pm — Hunter

When you know better you do better..

You've been had .. Along with that comes a mess to clean up..
I've been there..

One thing is certain .. I'm never cleaning up after anyone else except myself going forward ..

You do the same..

Hunter

Hunter.......remember all the

May 8, 2012 - 9:22am — Sparrow

Hunter.......remember all the shirtless photo's I received via email and text? The last one was the pasty chested guy with the shadow of a camera across his chest? Morons.........

Oh, and we can't forget about Doug, attempting to send me a picture of his erection......they must think we all want to see them in the flesh.

We don't. LOL

Sparrow

May 8, 2012 - 5:01pm — this shall pass

somehow the last part sounds awfully familiar. It's really saddening to see the mechanisms being used by some Ns..I had taken some of that in the past to mean openness and being "naked" in the sense of mutually revealing one's self to the other and letting them see us for who we really are, but the more I think about it, the more I see that the Ns were hiding from their true self, projecting, deflecting and there's no being naked on a soul level, it's a big facade..

I understand looking. It's

May 8, 2012 - 8:44am — Deidre99

I understand looking. It's human nature to be curious. Especially after a break up. We are human, and don't lose sight of the fact that curiousity is a normal thing. Even morbid curiousity. lol

At some point, you will no longer look. I can't tell you when that will be. But, when you have had enough pain, you will stop looking. When you connect all the dots in your heart and mind...that he is incapable of love. That what he posts is yet another falsehood designed to lure unsuspecting new women in. That what you and he had, did happen, but that he will treat the next woman the same.

When all those dots connect, and you are comfortable in making the connection, you'll stop looking.

But, the more you look, the harder healing becomes, as you know. I'd try my hardest to stay away from that site, and anything related to him. It's all lies, and fakeness.

Stay NC...and make it work. Make yourself better. He won't change, but you can. Hugs, and hope your day is good today.

Thank you Deidre. your words

May 8, 2012 - 5:05pm — this shall pass

Thank you Deidre. your words about changing have given me this glimpse of hope in the midst of the overwhelming feeling that sometimes takes over when I think about the mess to clean up after he left. I know that I'm changing and moving toward becoming better, and while I did take some steps back and some steps forward, I plan on making more forward movement and not looking back. really my therapist was saying today that all this looking at sites and checking up on him is looking up and it's like exposing a wound that really needs time and care to heal.
I will stay strong and fight the urge to look as it has only caused me heartache in recent times..
Thank you once again for your message

He hasn't changed. They

May 8, 2012 - 7:34am — Sparrow

He hasn't changed. They can't. It's impossible. He would have a greater chance of getting pregnant than he would at changing. Please get those thoughts out of your head.

This guy is a PLAYER. Period.

Looking at his facebook pages or anything else for that matter, is breaking NC. If you want to heal, you MUST stick with NC in every fashion of the term.

As curious as you may be, it only causes harm in the long run.

Get stronger, read more and reach out as often as you need.

LOL at the change of getting

May 8, 2012 - 5:07pm — this shall pass

LOL at the change of getting pregnant. True, just gotta come to terms with the fact that change aint happening on that end and that it should be no concern of mine either. it's not like there's not enough to do here already just to get out of this mess..

Sparrow is right.........

May 8, 2012 - 8:55am — Layla

Looking at his disordered crap online is NOT going to foster healing and moving on for you. Not at all. Hunter coined, "Contact=PAIN" and anyone here with solid NC under their belts is going to agree with that, because it is TRUE. Just ask anyone that has ever broken NC how well it went for them. I bet not one of them will report a positive outcome.

You really cannot look at this disordered bullshit because that really is all it is. And he is posting a very specific picture HE KNOWS is going to piss you off if you see it. Understand he has no compassion or empathy for you or your feelings. He doesn't possess these traits for ANYONE. His next prey is just another victim and one day, God willing, she will find us here because we are healing and recovering here. We won't go through this again.

love~ Layla

Thank you Layla. I now see

May 8, 2012 - 5:10pm — this shall pass

Thank you Layla. I now see that NC is not just not communicating with him, but it's also staying away from any info or anything connected to him.
I'm still struggling with the thought of someone lacking the empathy and compassion and doing things to push buttons. It's jut sickening to see how Ns strive to get attention and energy from you, it really doesn't matter if it's positive or negative as long as you're feeding them..

May seem that this stage will

May 8, 2012 - 4:54am — Lucky Escape

May seem that this stage will never happen, but one day you will laugh at it, or at least give it your best indifferent and wry smile and thank your lucky stars that you are not part of his sick and twisted game anymore.

All of us on here will tell you the same thing - NC means NO CONTACT of any kind. Don't go on the forum at all, block everything, as it will only hurt you.

I am over a month into NC and whilst I have seen the odd thing - I have read so much about these sick and depraved men that I now look at mine and laugh - can you believe it, I think he is one small joke.

Avoid looking at anything to do with him, understand your feelings and anger, let them work their course and you will get to acceptance eventually, and then laughable indifference and BOY DOES THAT FEEL GOOD!!

Be strong x

Thank you lucky escape. A

May 8, 2012 - 5:11am — this shall pass

Thank you lucky escape. A therapist I speak with told me the same thing about one day laughing at all of this. I think if I just become indifferent, I will be happy. I know I should not seek out info or news about him as it only add fuel to this fire of anger and disappointment I have...

I was just reading the post on Narcissism 101 and oh my god is some of it soooo true. "having safe sex, getting a free ride (includes love-bombing women, ...and manipulating friends, mind control, seduction and using the net to "be anyone they want you to be") this is pretty much what he's doing!! oh god I wish I could just show what he's posting on his profile. all this stuff that makes him seem like the greatest sage of all times, in addition to having a good body and all this talk about liberation, freedom and the universe and life force energy. I think of myself as a spiritual person, but I'm getting sick when I hear certain phrases because I see how he's been corrupting them.

All this stuff is getting on the web, from someone who was name-calling me, putting his hands on me, shoving, pushing, chocking, telling me once if i got pregnant by him, he's make sure to abort me himself (I guess the safe sex part..) using me as if I was a cash cow with no regard to my needs and wants, disappearing for days, hooking up with old and new interests with no regard to my wants and needs, taunting me and sometimes depriving me of the rest I needed at night with all this accusations and crazy-making behavior, telling me in my moments of despair and meltdown from his behavior how I should perhaps take my own life away..this is just a few of the things :..(

I guess there is this one little part of me that wonders if he's changed and this is why he's sharing all this positive talk, and I need to make peace with my truth, what I have known and what I have experienced through knowing him intimately, To those on the outside, he may seem like an angel, god in human form, but what I saw is very different, I'm aware that we all have duality and different sides to us, but never do I think it's ok to abuse and hurt someone and out a knife next to their towel in the bathroom suggesting they should take their own life!!!

You poor love

May 8, 2012 - 5:19am — Lucky Escape

Listen, all the shit he is spouting now he has taken from you??? See it for what it is, they have no souls, no personalities, no emotions of his own - he has taken them from people and women over time and added them to one of his masks.

I posted Narcissism 101 - it is mine to an absolute tee, ever single point. When I am doubting, as we all do and as you are now, I come on here, I read everything I can as that shows me the light again.

HE HAS NOT CHANGED - just changed his approach so that he can attract NS quicker, he has take qualities from you he wanted, that's what attracted you to him in the first place, YOUR spirituality, this is what they do honey. I will give you an example - mine took all my interests and has now made them his own - and included them on his latest dating profile!! He has also moved back into his old house and has furnished it entirely with the same Ikea stuff I have - right down to a decorative jug, the same bed, the same feel EVERYTHING! They use you in ways you don't even know about.

See it all for what it is - they are soulless, uncreative and emotionless - they feed off of other people.

Do not think for one minute you don't have a right to feel the way you do, just try and see him for what he is, once you do, life will really be alot easier and you will laugh, I promise you that.xxx

wow! and really if we know

May 8, 2012 - 5:18pm — this shall pass

wow! and really if we know for a fact that they adopt these things in their lives to better themselves and others in a positive and righteous ways, I'd have no qualms about it (although furnishing his house same as your with the sake IKEA stuff is kind of creepy in a way) but I know he's taking all this knowledge and just using it, I once told him he's pimping out all this stuff he's taking because he's not living it to the core and in the truest sense but rather to use it to cover this rotten messed up core and make it look like it's shiny and appealing for the next prey..
Thank you for the assurance that this will pass and once day we'll laugh at the craziness of it all//

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