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Mommy Advice LOW CONTACT -- calling my kids?
abreva
Member since:
1 year 20 weeks
1 year 20 weeks
Last activity:
32 weeks 6 days
32 weeks 6 days
Mommy Advice LOW CONTACT -- calling my kids?
Posted May 6, 2012 - 8:35pm
What should I do about calling my kids when they are at their father's?
I have maintained a sort of Sheer Force of Will attitude, but now I'm questioning it.
I have called them no-matter-what.
Now I'm re-thinking that. It's just an opportunity for him to mess with me. Maybe the kids should just call me? Tonight I called and he did this fake voice, surprised to hear from me, "OH Hi Abreva!" (like who was there, observing him?) like we were Old Buddies. And then he dicked around with the phone and my kid, and made me wait. Said he'd have kid call me back. No phone call. I called again. Blah Blah Blah.
Tell me, what is my policy?
I'm thinking better to not give him any opportunity to toy with me.
This has been going on for nearly 2 years.
© E. Scott Enterprises | Lisa E. Scott
We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
calling kids
May 12, 2012 - 11:39pm — Pearl430I am not sure how old your kids are or how long their visits are but my own daughter is 14 and usually stays at her dads one night. I don't call her I figure that is her time there. She does have a cell phone and I will text her good night. Sometimes she will call me usually means he is acting up. She sees him for 2-3 hours after school every day. the problem I have is him calling her constantly. When we first moved out he was calling my phone constantly. this went on until we went to court 1 week ago and he has to pay support. Now after I ignored several calls he calls her. This weekend she is not staying over as it is Mothers Day. He called 5 times today and from what I could hear he is quizzing her on everything he can. I try very hard to not comment but it drives me crazy. i am not sure of your exact situation your kids might be younger. I personally try not to do anything that will add to my daughters stress level, so I let a lot of things go. When I get upset i go for a walk.
jerk chain
May 7, 2012 - 10:29am — agnesmurphy17I know a woman who engages with the phone nonsense. Constant battle to talk to the child while in the father's custody. And he jerks her chain on this issue. A pathological will do the exact opposite of what you want.
I swear, these guys are so predictable that it's pathetic. They all do the same things & say the same words. And they all think that they are just so great. And there is a new woman there all the time to tell them that they are so great. How do they do it?
No Nonsense for Abreva & NW is so DUPED
May 7, 2012 - 4:01pm — abrevaHey Agnes,
Yeah, see, I just don't want any nonsense at all with the EXNH-Pscyhopath. I don't want to open myself up to exposure. Non- nonsense policy. Calling his phone or his house phone in order to touch base with my kids, GIVES him opportunity. I don't want to participate.
Regarding NW. I'm sure she still thinks he IS great. Yeah, there are red flags. But there are too many conspiring with him to pull the wool over her eyes. I imagine that it is really difficult for her to see past all the smoke screen. He can be Really Sweet and Really Attentive and Really Generous. His false voice -- she won't know that that is part of the mask until later. His seething rage -- she hasn't seen it yet, I bet. He's got quite a story about how much stress he has been under "protecting his children from me" because I'm "so mentally ill" and OH it's such a tragedy, and OH how he tried to keep his family together because of his VALUES, and blah blah blah. All his parental misdeeds that she has witnessed, are too easily forgiven because in our culture we just assume that men can't get it straight as fathers, and poor things, they need help. Right. The EXNH-Psychopath is putting on the biggest show of his life for this woman -- REALLY -- he NEEDS HER HELP -- he CAN NOT SUSTAIN the "I'm SuperDad" Show without HER. He needs a NANNY for his kids -- and SHE'S IT.
Nanny Factor
May 7, 2012 - 5:06pm — agnesmurphy17Yeah, I noticed with my friend -- the jerk's girlfriend play babysitter a lot.
I think it's smart to lay low. He will have to have an outlet for that rage. If not you, then somebody else. Maybe not calling is just another step in the path of total disengagement. You have a Parental Coordinator. You can really have so tiny contact over these children. Keep everything neutral. Don't let him push your buttons.
For a "mentally ill" woman (as he says), you are handling this well. I think it's great that you are not covering for him or micromanaging at the school as I read somewhere else. This will all be taken over by the new wife.
RANT: Sarcasm "Mentally Ill"
May 7, 2012 - 8:30pm — abrevaSarcasm: Yeah -- I'm SOOOO Mentally Ill -- Look at how I withstood his venomous onslaught of hatred and financial torment for nearly 2 years! I'm so fragile. I'm so weak! I'm so falling apart! I can't live without him! I need intervention! I need help! Oh, my EXNH-Psychopath -- you were SO VERY RIGHT about me. You know everything. You are a GOD. How did I manage to live without you?????
Truth: I'll tell you how I lived with out you! WAY better than WITH YOU! Before you, I was a shining star. With you: You managed to cripple me. Now I am digging myself OUT of that HOLE and it's by NO CONTACT - because, you see, YOU are a PSYCHOPATH.
This is one reason why I'm so against antidepressants (etc) because when I see those ads for psych meds, THE SYMPTOMS simply sound like the person being described is a person in an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. The answer is not to drug yourself into submission, but to get the Hell OUT. He managed to drug me for YEARS and convince me that I WAS MOOD DISORDERED!
ANYONE WHO IS BEING ABUSED IS GOING TO BE IN A BAD MOOD
My mood is fine, thank you.
ANYONE WHO IS BEING ABUSED IS GOING TO BE IN A BAD MOOD
May 13, 2012 - 12:00am — EmmyDamn right.
If they are with him, I'm
May 7, 2012 - 8:33am — Deidre99If they are with him, I'm just curious...why are you calling them?
When I divorced, (now my kids are older)...if the kids were with their dad, I didn't call to talk to them. Unless there was something absolutely pressing I had to tell their dad/or tell them. (my ex is not a narc)
But...That's their time together. They would call me if they wanted to talk, but most of the time, if their dad had them for a weekend, I didn't call them. I am not stating you 'shouldn't' call, but if they are with him, I just don't see the point in calling.
I would tell THEM, not him...that if they need to talk to mommy, please feel free to call me. They should tell their father.
But, I wouldn't call there. For a variety of reasons, number one being it just causes issues between you and their dad. To me, there's no reason to contact your kids when they're with their dad, unless there's something absolutely dire to discuss with them...or the narc.
You'll avoid pain and heartache. Just my two cents, abreva... ((hugs))
ps; and if you're calling to check up on them, because you don't trust the narc (I know your story, and I don't blame you, and your narc is beyond ridiculous) then, you should sue him for sole custody. Otherwise, you just end up looking like you're babysitting the narc, and/or jealous of their time together. Checking up on them. It's just best to not call, unless there's an absolutely dire reason to.
why i call
May 7, 2012 - 8:21pm — abrevaI call for many reasons:
- because the EXNH-Psycyhopath restricts them from calling me when they choose. they often want to call me at bedtime. they are punished for this, even though (past bedtime) i only permit a few minutes goodnight.
- because when i first left him, the EXNH-Psychopath had barely been a parent. my children were young, and missed me terribly. they cried a lot. they begged to come home to me. that lasted for a year. there is less begging now, since the children are clear that their father won't bend AT ALL on custody.
- i call because they want me to call. i told my son today about the new policy (of me not calling them), and he nearly started crying. he said: that doesn't work for me. (do you see how I am teaching them to assert??? it's a beautiful thing)
I am absolutely not checking up on them. I consider it "touching base" -- I think it's totally unnatural for them to be away from their mother for so many days. it's stressful on them. (it's stressful on me too, but i can manage it - sort of) it's been nearly 2 years, and they've adjusted in many ways, but it's still hard for them. they still come home clinging and desperate at times, and always acting out - big adjustments with the change in routine. always exhausted.
how about this?
May 9, 2012 - 7:37am — wiserwomanI'm not sure how old your kids are, but I've been discussing this exact same issue with my girlfriends and this is what we've come up with... {YOu see, Mr kNucklehead wants to do one week on, one week off - god help me, hopefully he's just bluffing - as if he'd actually even take them to school, but I digress}
I'm going to buy my kids a phone, one that you just chuck $20 credit on now and again -and then they can call you whenever they want and you don't ever have to talk to Mr. Crazypants.
What do you think?
Cell Phone for Kids.
May 11, 2012 - 1:29pm — abrevaWiserWoman,
Yeah, EXNH-Psychopath wanted Full Custody -- after doing NOTHING with the kids mostly their whole lives -- then he got backed down to 50/50. I settled for a little more than 50% time with me -- regret that decision, but it was a long battle, and I followed expert legal advice, and did the very best I could do, and maybe it was the right decision.
I have considered the cell phone idea as you suggested it. It's a good idea. I think my children are a little bit young for it still, and that it would open an ugly can of worms with EXNH-Pscyhopath-ControlFreak.
It's a good idea and I want to hear how it goes for you and your kids.
WW, We should stick together.
-A
I understand abreva...I
May 8, 2012 - 8:39am — Deidre99I understand abreva...I didn't mean to imply you shouldn't call...or you had a motive. lol I realize how I came across...and I hope you know, that wasn't my intent.
That said. If your children are mentally and emotionally stressed and abused in this situation, they shouldn't be permitted to stay with him for too long, if at all. No overnights. It would take them 'testifying' to such stress, etc...and that's hard on kids, but it just seems like they shouldn't be staying with him at all, if you have this much anxiety over it.
I think the courts should hear this...that he punishes them for wanting to say goodnight to their own mom? I'm sorry, that's abuse if children.
I can't say what you should do...but, I'm doubting that if the courts knew of all this abuse, they would permit your children to be allowed sleep overs at this man's house.
Just my final thoughts, on that. Your story troubles me. He's just damaging his kids so much. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and sadder for them. :(
Deidre - I'm a fan of you and I know you are on my side.
May 8, 2012 - 11:11am — abrevaI take what you write very seriously, and I know that you asked in support of me. And I thought about it hard.
It's a miserable situation. He is SO manipulative. I think I need to bide my time. I really tried to reduce custody -- I did the best I could. He might come after me again -- I'll be ready for round 2. I officially won round 1 with custody -- even though it feels like a loss. All to protect the kids, and give them consistency and stability.
likewise, i think you're
May 8, 2012 - 11:58am — Deidre99likewise, i think you're pretty dang awesome.
you're so smart, classy...you have honestly maintained a lot of grace and dignity throughout this tough situation. and it's very tough.
it's tough when someone is trying hard, especially someone we thought had our backs at one point, humiliate us. The feeling of humiliation to me, is the hardest thing with dealing with a narcissist. But, you have shown such strength and grace. You're inspiring, and I really hope that your kids are not adversely affected by all this, in the end. You know? I just feel bad for them, having such a horrible dad. Ugh.
Hugs, and here's to a better week.
I saw your other thread. I thought it was funny, the exchange between you and that guy, and yes...I think we've all learned how to stand up to others, a lot better now.
I have noticed the double standard...if a woman in business say gives an instruction to her staff in a firm, direct way...she is called a bitch at the water cooler. But, if a guy in business does the same thing, it's 'just business.'
Makes me sad that as far as women have come in the world, so many strides we have made, this double standard still sadly exists.
Thanks for the feedback
May 7, 2012 - 8:03am — abrevaTotally clear. Totally helpful. I will follow your advice.
Thanks ladies.
FYI: The NW is always there, and has been since the minute we settled custody.
My d12 has her own phone, and
May 7, 2012 - 7:35am — missymMy d12 has her own phone, and I text her good night each night, and sometimes we will talk when she is with him...but not always. (she is with him three nights a week).
I let her know I love her via a text, but I don't "enter" that world. Exnarch has OW of course, who is ALWAYS around. D12 has to deal with that which she hates, and I just find and feel that its best if I am quietly on the sidelines.
She knows I'm here for her if she wants to talk or come home. Entering that fray only sets me up to be hurt, abused. etc/
Your kids know you are there I'm sure. You are setting yourself up to be mocked, abused, etc. Better to be out of site = but never out of mind.
Missym
May 7, 2012 - 7:40am — Janie53You don't use the word love because of the reaction you might elicit from the OW? This is your daughter? What am I missing? You have every right to tell your daughter you love her and she needs to hear it.
Stay True to you and your children
Janie
Janie? Not sure what you mean
May 7, 2012 - 12:23pm — missymMaybe I mis-communicated. I said I text her good night and that I love her....and leave it at that. I DO NOT Call them when narc has her.
But, of course I tell her I love her all the time....I just do not normally call her when she is with her dad. No need to enter that world.
But another interesting point on this thread...my exnarch ALWAYS is calling, texting, putting himself in our world when she is with me. And further HE GETS MAD AT HER WHEN SHE DOES NOT RESPOND.
This is what is so annoying really. HE wants to dictate what she does at all times and drive attn to him at all times. That is the narc part.
Missym
May 11, 2012 - 5:54pm — Janie53Yikes I'm sorry, I mis-read what you wrote. I think the way you handle it is great. I would recommend any communication about the kids be done via e-mail, period. The only reason for a call or text would be in the case of an emergency.
It kills me that children have to be victims to their ill behaviors and manipulation. Keep setting a good example and the kids will follow your lead.
Again, sorry I got confused.
Stay true!
Janie
Hi Abeeva- I would tell your
May 7, 2012 - 6:34am — Janie53Hi Abeeva-
I would tell your kids that they should ask their dad to call you when they feel the desire to talk to you. Thiis takes the responsibilty off you and tells the kids you are there to talk when they feel the need.
They know you love them, even if you don't talk every day.
Stay true!
Janie