It is not that you haven't hit rock bottom beautifulmess - it's that you don't fully comprehend what you are dealing with yet. I went back a hundred times - it's an addiction kept alive with basic conditioning (see psychology). When everything was crazy enough for me to begin my education then I spent every hour for a year gaining knowledge, insight, self-awareness, mindfulness, processing, analysing until I knew completely what I was dealing with and what a N is. When you are able to name something you are the master of it. Once I understood I was dealing with an automaton, a machine, a sub-human so badly wired up all they could do was seek/destroy supply 24/7 till the day the die - all my love died in an instant and I ended the relationship but it took damned hard work and the work continues afterwards while we work on ourselves, stop seeking outside validation and become our own firm foundation in the wold in control of our emotional landscape and how we deal with events/people.

Go back to the books - read all you can, work the tools, come to the forum, read the Mod blogs too, watch all Sam Vaknin/Thomas Sheridan videos on Youtube. Many of the books recommended may be read partially/completely for free via Google Books - just put in the title. Get a good therapist to work on your core issues, make a list of all the horrific things the N did and read it regularly when magical/fantasy thinking occurs (knight in shining armour/happy ending/a little TLC and he'll recover rubbish comes).

Like anything worth doing it requires dedication, discipline, hard work and we are all overcoming an addiction on top of all else but to finally construct a world we are in control of, where we are free, engaged with life and healthy people is worth all the effort. Now I'm studying for another degree in psychology with counselling - all experience is an education - learn from this and move forward free :)