for a nobody. It's amazing.

They really are completely hollow voids.

Good riddance. I don't care what his reason was cause he's worthless!

That's my closure.

...shed some light. A great post from Britgal on dailystrength.org

''Firstly, the narcissist knows that he is lacking something in his character or makeup which prevents him from experiencing a healthy loving relationship.

He unconsciously knows that a loving relationship is the answer to his very real and deep seated woes.
He therefore spends a great deal of time imagining this extraordinary woman who will save him from himself.

She has so many amazing qualities like beauty, wealth, intelligence, self esteem, a great social life and a fabulous family network.

She is perfect and she wants him because....well you guessed it, because HE is perfect!

This all works amazingly well in the mind but not quite the same way in reality. The narcissist, however, has a solution to this problem.

He will make you the perfect woman he has already imagined by imagining that you are she! Simple eh? He elevates you to all who will listen and even manages to convince you that you are she. This is quite a shock to your own system but you figure that you will go along for the ride, in the knowledge that eventually he will see you for what you are - imperfect -, but by then he will have fallen in love with all of your real, genuine, quirky, imperfect but delightfully fun qualities that are not perfect but an excellent replacement!

About a year down the road, you have become, in your own mind, very intimate with your "soul mate". He has become your best friend (maybe by now, your only friend) and you have forgiven him his little idiosyncrosies (such as his abililty to impersonate whoever his latest male role model is to perfection plus his exaggerated versions of real events you experienced but didn't see in quite the same way).

In fact you are aware of just how much this guy makes you like yourself. After all, the more you forgive in him (like his excessive drinking and embarassing behaviour) the less crazy you feel and therefore the more loveable you are. You actually begin to feel you deserve his idealized view of you and become addicted to this feeling and the relationship!

Then... BANG, from nowhere, he shows you utter contempt and disdain.

Maybe theres another woman, or maybe not, but you cannot work it out and your mind goes into a tailspin trying to work it out before you eventually concede to his world view of you and apologize for whatever it was he felt you did or didn't do to make him feel angry with you.

By now you cannot possibly conceive of not having this man and the way he makes you feel in your life. However, you have no idea that there is something much less human at work than a man with a gripe. In fact this is what I believe has happened in his mind....

He sees that you are happy. That his imperfections have given you self esteem and made you happy.

And he is fully aware that he is not happy. Not because you don't make him happy but because he is not capable of feeling happy as you know it.

So while you are feeling grateful to him for making you feel happy, he is feeling resentful at you for NOT making him happy.

He has concluded that there must be something wrong with you, because it couldn't possibly be him that is at fault. He begins to dismantle the perfectly crafted image he had of you and starts to see your faults.

He shares these faults with anyone who will listen and of course most people who are not disordered assume that he must truly be experiencing these problems with a problematic woman.

The more he devalues you, the more he justifies and validates his own inability to love you.

He then once again retreats into his head to find the woman who will save him from himself....etc.....etc....etc''

Also READ http://www.narcissismfree.com/art_did-the-narcissist-ever-really-love-me...

Blue

Ive also been struggling with the no closure and complete silent treatment. This is my first time posting and feel blessed to have found this site. I thought I was going crazy but as it turns out I think he's the crazy one. I felt so alone but now see how common this is.

Unfortunately, I am the ow and fell for his soulmate line, hook line and sinker. He always said I was different. I feel so stupid. Now I'm struggling with not looking at his fb and email. I have both passwords. I know it hurts me to look but I'm having a hard time not.

Anyway, I'm thankful to be here and hopethat healing begins soon.
Peace.

Remember, this journey is all about you. The door is closed to the relationship with the narcissist and the next door is opened by you. So let's not think about closure. Let's think about new beginnings! Keep on forward!

Stay True and Don't Look Back!
xoxoxo
J

You will NEVER get closure with these sick disordered men, ever. I tried as recently as a year ago in a letter exchange and all that came back to me were his vile, hateful words, blaming me for everything, sorry it takes two to tango, never acknowledged any responsibility for what part he played in our relationships after 15 years, he refused to look within himself, it is how they are, zero self awareness, you must give yourself closure, he is moving on and i hope for your sake, you do as well,.....

I am only 5 weeks free on the N/P... I struggled with the no closure, also. Even though, our situations happened differently. With these guys, there will never be any "real" closure. Sometimes, I heard, they do this to keep the door open.

With time you won't care. TRUST me. I do not care right now. You can never believe what they say and you never know what the hell is really going on. I kept reading and educating myself on the PD'ed and posting on here. It really helps. It answers so many questions.

it's not PERSONAL to them and it's NOT YOU. IT'S THEM!

It's about supply and supply only. Supply is interchangeable in their eyes. We're like a toaster or a sofa...they use it until a new one comes along.

I think you should pat yourself on the back for walking out and not looking back! Congratulations on your three weeks of NC. That's huge. You are changing an old pattern and re-writing a new script that will bring you the kind of relationship you desire and deserve.

The non-closure from these freaks is indeed hard to deal with. We must give ourselves closure...it's a process and all you have to do is commit to keep trying. You are committed to working through it and that is a great, great thing.

Remember this pain is temporary. It will not last forever and once you get it out and get through it, you can release it and let it go. Tell yourself that as often as you must...feel the feelings and then let them go.

I, too, succumbed to a hoover that led to another entire year of hell. I had made it 21 days NC and didn't know what a hoover was so when he came pounding on my door professing to do whatever it took to have me in his life, I believed him. It was a PURE SET UP for the most brutal D & D ever, designed to literally destroy me. Once I picked up the pieces I vowed to do whatever it took to banish him from my brain and thoughts and went to work. I was spinning for a while, but slowly began to stop and now I'm not spinning at all. In fact, I feel like the freak did me a favor with the D & D! It was the best and the only good thing he ever did for me, that's how I view it now! You will get there too.

Keep posting and getting it out. Keep striving to kick the negative thoughts out of your head one minute at a time. And stay NC. NC is the key to freedom from doubt, pain, chaos and confusion. It is the key to clarity and self-knowledge. This journey is a bumpy one, but dear Don't Look Back I am here to tell you (at almost 18 months out) it has been the most worthwhile journey of my life and great things are unfolding before me. This will happen for you, too, and we will help.

Love,
(not) spinning. NO WAY. NEVER, EVER AGAIN!

They will never give you closure. You have to find it within your self and accept that it is over no matter how or why it ended, otherwise you will keep thinking you did something wrong. I've come to realize after being hoovered nu,erous times that it is less painfull to block his ability to communicate with me...i did all these things and he still managed to send a note to my Mom telling her how much he missed me and what a great person I am....
He isnt doing this because he loves me. Hoovers have nothing to do with love it has to do with them being low on supply and trying to see if they wstill can squeeze more out of you, than ultimately another even worse D&D. I posted a few days ag titles "watch what you wish for"...See if you can go back and read it....Trust me. hoovers are not fun and can be very painful.
Hang in there and be glad for you escaped the wrath of a seedy Narc.
xo
P.