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findingfreedom
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Posted May 4, 2012 - 3:37pm
and feeling completely devastated by his D&D. I never really knew what N was and thought I was going crazy. He wanted to control me...even said so many times. Why didn't I realize this wasn't healthy? All the sweet talk, the I can't live without yous, the i love you, i love you, i love yous..
When he was good, I was on a pedastal...top of the world his dream girl, now he won't answer phone calls or texts... I've stop trying by the way. It just hurts.
After reading this, I will try NC. but I know he'll be back. How will I be strong.
Thank heavens I found this board. Bless each of you as we begin this new chapter together.
© E. Scott Enterprises | Lisa E. Scott
We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
Willow welcome to my 2nd
May 5, 2012 - 9:33am — LoserFreeWillow welcome to my 2nd home
I know it will become yours, too!!!
You will find compassion, love, support, empathy, and some good laughs from everyone here!!!
All the things you haven't felt in a long while.
XOXO
LoserFree
Welcome willow, so sorry you
May 5, 2012 - 9:23am — eyeswideopen35Welcome willow, so sorry you are hurting, keep reading and learning...
Knowledge is power, eventually the fog will start lift, take one day a time and reach out to us as much as you need, big hugs
Thanks.
May 5, 2012 - 9:14am — findingfreedomThanks so much to all of you for the immediate support. I have a feeling I'm going to be here a lot!
Willow
May 5, 2012 - 9:23am — Janie53Great, this is a second home for many of us but you do need to make the commitment to do the work. I'm glad you decided to join us. Pour your coffee and start reading!
Knowledge is power!
Stay True!
Janie
Welcome willow! You will
May 5, 2012 - 12:18am — Deidre99Welcome willow! You will learn so much here! The first few weeks are hard with NC but you will grow stronger a d have greater resolve the longer u stick with it. The iloveyou part with narcs are to keep us in the game of control. Once you stay NC for a while...you will remember who you are. You will see him for what he was...and you will want better. Hugs and be strong.
Hi Willow! Welcome to the
May 4, 2012 - 11:00pm — LookonthesunnysideHi Willow! Welcome to the board, sorry to hear what you've been through. Im glad you found this place, its amazing. Read a lot and start looking out for yourself, you dont deserve any of his abuse. xo
Willow
May 4, 2012 - 10:46pm — MovingforwardnowWelcome to the club! It's absolutely miserable at first but stay close to the forum and you will get through it.
Read all you can. Stay no contact. And "Get it out" Rage, yell, scream. Just stay away.
He won't and can't change no matter what he tells you. No matter what he does, nothing changes if nothing changes. And he is a NOTHING so there will be no change.
Stay strong and welcome to the group!
Sweet Willow
May 4, 2012 - 9:43pm — janemarieThis is the hardest part of your journey right now....I promise you that it will get better.
Right now it seems like you've just been hit with a Twilight Zone episode....youre hurt, confused, sad....destroyed....I know....we ALL know!!!! Try to feel comfort in knowing you are NOT alone!!!!
As others have told you...it is NOT your fault and you will soon realize this in time by reading Lisa's book and educating yourself as much as you can on the disorder...because Willow...he IS disordered...YOU did nothing but love someone who is not capable of love....and Im so sorry!!!!!
The healing begins when you erase him from your life....and treat him and the relationship as a death....sounds terrible...but its the only way!!!!!
You will NEVER get your questions answered by him...you will never get closure from him....the only thing you will get is him messing with your mind over and over again which in turn will cause you more heartbreak!!!!
Read some of our stories....a lot of them tell of how they tried and took him back and it only got worse....I personally took mine back 3 times and finally the last time was the absolute worst...it did me in.....but if I can lead by example.....it DOES get better...and you WILL get through this!!!!
Keep reading! And Welcome to the Forum...it will become your second home!
xoxo
Willow
May 4, 2012 - 9:20pm — ruby01You have to believe that you are worth more than this. Their goal is to strip you of your self esteem so that you think you are actually fortunate that they like you, that they are a prize.
Quite the opposite is true. (And down deep they know it).
If they fail to keep you doubting yourself and you start to call them out on their behavior, they run for it!
If you allow yourself the time to purge the bs he's been dishing out you'll see it clearly.
Stay NC and you will get the pieces you need to solve the puzzle.
It does get better!
Why?
May 4, 2012 - 5:17pm — findingfreedomDoes it seems like its my fault? I'm arguing with myself that if I just hadn't...
I know better than this. Why are my thoughts going there?
Willow - It's not your fault
May 4, 2012 - 10:50pm — BtrflyGrlWillow,
You must know, and I couldn't hear it enough in the first couple weeks (even now), IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You were kind and honest and did the best you could. This is not your fault. I swear it is not.
Welcome Willow!! Please
May 4, 2012 - 9:06pm — JourneyWelcome Willow!! Please simply trust that it was NOT your fault, regardless of the thoughts that creep in to confuse you.
Narcs have a way about projecting all the blame outward and since we are in the direction of that blame and because we care about them, we want to do our very best to be our very best - anything less and we feel like it is our fault that they've reacted with distance as in silent treatment or devalue/discard (D&D).
Trust me, it is NOT your fault and your brain only goes there because you are in a cognitive dissonant fog from the emotional abuse which is an experience we've all had in relationship with a PD.
No contact will clear the fog and you WILL feel better once it dissipates.
Please resist checking his email and FB. Be tough with yourself as if you are giving up heroin, seriously, it MUST be thought of as something THAT bad and addictive.
The longer you go without, the easier it will be...
Whatever you see by snooping will only make you feel worse, even if you see nothing, it will create doubts in you which goes against your healing. Contact = pain, every time.
I love your member name btw - stay close to the forums and you may bend with the winds of change but you will NOT break! xoxo
Journey on...
Willow
May 4, 2012 - 4:38pm — lilygirlHi Willow and welcome: Everyone of us has felt just like you.
One day I realized no one could do this for me, I had to make the decision to turn my back on this and walk away for ever.
Once you do that, you will start healing. It's a journey. The rewards are fantastic.
Ask yourself,"What kind of a man gives the silent treatment?" No one with an ounce of empathy.
Lily
Yes
May 4, 2012 - 10:18pm — BlueMistYes Lily, the last phrase basically sums it.
Blue
WELCOME WILLOW!
May 4, 2012 - 4:32pm — Trainwreck56We are all here becuse of what we all have been through with
them, they are horredous!
Sharing experinces, living and learning about the DISODER they have will get you a better understanding!
REMEMEBER ITS HIM NOT YOU!
NO CONTACT!
If you feel like calling him dont, post your feelings here!
WE FEEL YOU PAIN AND KNOW IT WELL!!
HUGS
TE
Willow, I know it doesn't
May 4, 2012 - 4:17pm — bluegirlWillow, I know it doesn't seem like there is anything lucky about your life right now, but one thing -- you found this site, and people who understand exactly how bad what you are going through is, and you aren't out there wondering what happened with no answers. Read through the stories and see just how textbook the scenario is. I can't imagine how I would have dealt with it, never knowing what exactly just happened to me.
We understand.
NC question
May 4, 2012 - 3:58pm — findingfreedomI'm sure I know the answer to this but, I'm having trouble staying off his FB and email. He gave me passwords to both as a sign of "trust." I'm sure this sortof qualifies as breaking nc but how do I find the will power to stop it!!??
wow my ex gave me his
May 4, 2012 - 4:18pm — toomuchwow my ex gave me his passwords to his fb etc... I thought this was really odd did not know other narcs did this...
Manipulation!!
May 4, 2012 - 4:56pm — findingfreedomIt is weird but don't u find it hard not to check??
Willow
May 4, 2012 - 6:59pm — toomuchi was checking early after the split but.. i refuse to check now because it does NOTHING to help me get over him... it hurts my soul and I am past that I have hurt too much... I actually looked at him on fb and started to feel nothing when I looked at his pics - I felt sad because I had no idea who I had just about ruined my entire soul for... and now i would never give him the satisfaction of knowing that I cared enough about him to check.. I can act the same way to him that he has to me... he does not exist ( on good days ) which are getting to be more and more BUT I have been dealing with this for 18 mos N/C - except for his freind checking up on me at work and acting like it is a work related call ... even on my birthday of this past month... they think they own you in some weird perverted way they own you because they had you ... well NO he does not and I will act like he is dead to me whenever I can because no one will ever treat me like I am their choice... I hope you stay strong and know that as long as you are checking on him he does own you ... you deserve so much better!
Willow, Contact equals pain.
May 4, 2012 - 4:08pm — Janie53Willow,
Contact equals pain. His giving you the password was a manipulation to keep you connected. You have to trust us here. Please, delete it!
You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can change the course of the sails!
Please do this for you! Complete NC is the necessary!
Stay true to you!
Janie
How?
May 4, 2012 - 4:12pm — findingfreedomHow do I delete his password? I wish he would just change them but I guess he won't bc he wants me sonnected, as you say.
I have to find the willpower I guess. I just feel weak :(
OHHHHH THE FUN YOU COULD HAVE
May 4, 2012 - 5:27pm — uncomfortablynumbOHHHHH THE FUN YOU COULD HAVE WITH HIS FB!!!! You could change his password and post stuff as "him..."
I know, nevermind, it's childish, but it's Friday and sometimes I feel mischeivous!!!!!
Oh boy!
May 4, 2012 - 6:41pm — findingfreedomI've thought tha soo many times in the last few days!!
Willow
May 4, 2012 - 4:19pm — Janie53Yes, you answered your own question. You need to make the choice to do this. Think about it this way, you know the pain of being with a narc. Now you need to give yourself this chance to live a full and healthy life.
You've given him the benefit of the doubt long enough. Now it's time to give yourself the benefit of the truth.
Please, choose you!
Stay true to you!
Janie
Welcome Willow, and so sorry
May 4, 2012 - 3:57pm — Janie53Welcome Willow, and so sorry you have been in the turmoil of a narccissit. I had heard the word narcissit since I was quite young but never heard of NPD. I thought the word implied extreme vanity or perhaps someone was a little full of themselves. I have had quite an education since my involvement with a psychopath.
Please, know, this disorder and the ways he treated you have nothing to do with you. We are used as supply to achieve whatever his particular needs are at the time. You possess qualities, beautiful qualities, that he lacks and he essentially stole them from you.
Now is your time to reclaim them and to begin to heal. If you haven't done so already, download Lisa's book so you can learn about some of the typical behaviors of narcs. Once you have an understanding of the disorder, it helps with your healing. The emotional and the intellectual need to connect. A key phrase here on the forum is knowledge is power. In forum 1-3 there is a favorites section with a lot of valuable information.
Stay close to the forum. You are amongst the best of the best. Take extra good care of you right now. This is your journey and will be bumpy at times but you can do this.
Stay true to you! It's your turn now!
Janie
Welcome to the forum Willow!!
May 4, 2012 - 3:56pm — LaylaRead, read, read about these disordered clowns and read the blogs and postings here too! Many of your questions will be answered just reading the blogs on this site!
Lisa's book, "The Path Forward" is a book most of us here on the site are using as well.
No Contact is the key to get you out of the dumps you are feeling. Never let that PD fool pull you out of No Contact. NC is your protection against his manipulations and lies to suck you back into the abuse cycle. Never forget that. If he "wants" you back, it's only to further abuse you. Idealization and pedestal time is over for you with this assclown. From now on it's devaluation, and discard. That's it. In other word's, abuse, abuse and more abuse if you allow it. Don't.
love~ Layla
Willow. I love your name. I
May 4, 2012 - 3:51pm — MonarchWillow. I love your name. I thought once if I ever had a little girl I would name her "Willow." One of my most beautiful memories was sitting under the large willow in with my grandfather as a breeze blew and take an afternoon nap (sorry...but you put a lovely memory of mine into my head, so, thanks). Anyhooooo, this forum has been my respite from a narcissistic nightmare (my narc). I'm so glad you found it too. NC has been a life saver for me. I think you will find the same. So many wise, wise women on here to help. It's been amazing. I was put upon an amazing fantastical pedestal too.. and then violently pushed off. Stay strong, go NC and read, read, read. Smiles.
Thanks Monarch...You're name
May 4, 2012 - 3:56pm — findingfreedomThanks Monarch...You're name is pretty too! Those pedastal are nice before you get pushed off aren't they? So glad to have found this place. What a blessing.
Welcome, we are here for you dear woman!
May 4, 2012 - 3:45pm — Trainwreck56Talk to us all here, we will help you get though this, and
understand what you have been dealing with!
I'm longer out of the GAME, I know exactly how you feel!
WE ARE READY FOR YOU...BRING IT ALL OUT HERE!
NCNCNC=PEACE=SANITY=LEARNING TO LIVE AGAIN!
So sorry that your here..but we are all here because of what they did to us!
NC IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET OUT ALIVE!
HUGS, I'M WIPING YOUR TEARS AS WE SPEAK!
HUGS
TW
Thank you so much
May 4, 2012 - 3:51pm — findingfreedomI was praying that someone would respond. Finding this site is giving me hope that I can survive and get out of this cycle.
I'm sure I'll be here a lot. Thanks so much for the kindness.
Dearest Willow, welcome
May 4, 2012 - 3:43pm — spinningto this community, though I am so sorry you had to land here.
Read all you can here. There is so much useful information that will help you through the early days of No Contact.
Please stay No Contact. Do not text or call any more. It is part of an old pattern and old behavior system that has brought you here and has brought you nothing but pain. To reach out to your abuser in an attempt to "feel better" is simply to have a hand in your own abuse.
We will help you. Post here instead, where the energy will be serving you and helping you!
Here is something to consider if you feel like breaking NC:
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/04/18/thinking-breaking-nc
Dear Willow, you can do this. It will be the best gift you ever give yourself...trust me on this...your life will change in the most wonderful ways. We will help you through it.
Sincerely,
(not) spinning. BECAUSE I'M ON THE PATH FORWARD NOW AND ALWAYS
Thanks
May 4, 2012 - 3:52pm — findingfreedomI am so thankful to have found this site. Thank you also for the link. I'll need to read that many times. I think the worse part was feeling so alone. I feel hope after finding you all here.
peace.
Willow
May 4, 2012 - 10:29pm — BtrflyGrlA willow may bend but never breaks, right?
As a newbie here (I can't believe I've been here six weeks!) all I can tell you is that these generous people are lifesavers! None of this comes easy, but to have so many people rooting for you any time day or night, is a true blessing.
I know your pain, I'm glad you're here. We can do this!
xxoo - BtrflyGrl
I am new here too, Willow. I
May 5, 2012 - 12:48am — EmmyI am new here too, Willow.
I understand that pull to find out about him. We loved these men with all our hearts. It is not that easy to just "stop" loving someone.
You are doing great.