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My narc would tell me he loved me this way: "I think I know I love you." Talk about maddening. Any other examples? : )
Here's what I got from my ex narc for Valentines Day this year:
One text message that simply said "I know you don't think I love you because I don't show it very much but I do. Smile it's Valentines Day!"
Followed by nothing else for the rest of the day. No replies to my texts, no visit from him, no phone call.
Did yours mean, I do love you or I do show it???? I truly get the feeling we're all talking about the same guy sometimes. : )
Mine totally SUCKED at Valentine's Day. It was a very scary holiday for him as it must be for all narcs. Mine sent me a recording of his voice doing one of his "skits for an audition." How romantic. Bluuuuuack.
Mine doesn't do Valentines day. Or any holiday at all for that matter. I think it's because it would require him to think about other people for a change.
Mine loves to throw a curveball onto an otherwise potentially sweet thing to say. Some examples:
"If you're wondering whether I miss you, of course I do. But it isn't very sharp because we talk a lot."
"I don't want your nice words and affections because when they stop it will be unbearable."
"You have the kind of beauty that when someone looks at you at first they don't notice anything special, but as they continue to look, they see you're actually beautiful."
"Why can't I feel strong for you? You're so passionate and amazing and you're here with me. I should feel strong for you but I can't. I'm probably burned by that previous situation."
"You're so sweet and good and say such nice things to me and I know you want to hear tender words. But I just can't. I don't feel a desire to say them."
"My 5 year old son said that he loves you. I know it's not the adult kind of love that you're wanting, but anyway..."
"I don't care about other women because I have you. They're just decorations."
And then there's the straight-forward cruel or table-turning psychobabble:
"I have someone and she cares for me. It doesn't matter that she's a hundred and one, it's ok for me." (note: I was 37 and he was 35 when he said this. WTF? He also used to tell me I "look so young" when I'm having sex - as though this should be a great compliment to me. I still don't get this - I don't look old, I get carded for alcohol still at 40, I'm also fit and pretty attractive, and I've never had an age issue so not sure why he thinks this is important to me)
"Having you is enough for me. I'm too lazy to try to find something better."
"I can't be supportive/affectionate on command."
"You're selfish because you want me to drop everything just because you have some time, and it doesn't matter how I might feel or if I have things to do. You only know how you feel and what you want and if I don't respond you get upset. You don't care what might be going on with me." This was when I had taken a day off work to rearrange time to spend with him at his request and then he "forgot" about the arrangement and made other plans.
"I'm sorry that you overreacted." Oh...I LOVE this one :).
"I don't know how to behave with you. I'm constantly afraid you're going to choose to be offended by some small unimportant thing and am always wondering what will be the next scandal you make." (note: I don't make "scandals". I discuss things very logically and calmly, so also have no idea where this comes from)
"Instead of being determined to offend yourself with something I did or said, you should say to yourself - "I know he wouldn't do something to hurt me, so he must have had his reasons."
And my two favorites:
"I like you."
"You don't trust me. You are always expecting something bad from me." (well....duh!)
This cracks me up, because mine has said some of the same things almost to the exact word like, "I'm sorry that you overreacted." or "I'm sorry that what I said made you act crazy and implode."
My favorite was, "When guys see you, they don't go 'Hubba Hubba,' instead they go, 'Awwww.' and sigh." WHUUUUUU????? Or, "You're not the type of girl, guys want to date, you're the type of girl guys want to marry."
He also was an expert at hurling insults at me disguised as jokes. My age was a favorite. And, like you, I'm totally not hung up about being older. I actually like the respect I get now that I'm older. He reminded me over and over that he usually dated girls 20 years younger than himself. So....I was reeeeeallly old because I was HIS age. Ick.
"It has long been a widespread belief that weasels suck the yolks from bird's eggs, leaving only the empty shell. This belief is the basis of the term 'weasel words', used to describe statements that have had the life sucked out of them. The expression refers to words that are added to make a statement sound more legitimate and impressive but which are in fact unsubstantiated and meaningless."
THEY ARE WEASELS and their words are shallow and meaningless.
Mine only says one thing before during or after sex, and that is "How come you're so nice?" And I just can't figure out what that means, I always ask him but after 13 years he has never ever said a different sentence.
My head is still in bumblef##k land and maybe am choosing not to recall many of his crazy statements. One thing for sure, what he said was straight forward and not double talk. Just plain old f'n crazy.
From now on, if my brow wrinkles or if I even remotely have a WTF feeling from something anyone says- I'm heading in the other direction-no questions asked.
I regret now that I wasn't strong enough to just say "WTF are you talking about??" Of course, I did this at the end...and then, it was the end! Fat, bloated tick-EWWWWW
How's this? He wrote to one of his cyberlovers: "I love lily. ( & in the next sentence) after I have f..ed you for a good long time, I'm going to turn you over & ....... "
I am going to call you when I get my thoughts in order...need to rewind a lot.
The answer to your WTF....THEY ARE FREAKS!! PSYCHO!!!!
If mine was laying in an alley way dying I would step over him and keep on walking!!!
Fuck them...they wouldn't know their ass from a hole in the ground!!!!!!!!!
love you "P"
Mine would constantly tell me that he couldn't live without me, I was his heart, a part of him, the only person he could really be honest with, the only person who ever really understood him...
Then, all of the sudden..BAM..won't take calls or respond to texts. He has done this once before and he left me alone for 6 weeks. We'll see this time.
Reading the replies on this post is MIND BLOWING to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can relate in some way to EVERYONE
Wanting a baby...month later getting a vasectomy and not even telling me
Engaged.....stole the ring and 2 weeks later parading OW around town he met on Match.com
I love you so much you are the only one who truly understands me (actually no I don't)
If I wanted to talk about something that was bothering me (no matter how nicely I said it) he would say you're yelling at me...stop telling me I'm a bad person. WTF??? It's called discussing something you freak!!
Did these twisted JERK OFFS graduate from the same Narc School or what???
Time for me to go vomit!!
Mine always tells me I'm yelling (and slamming things) when I remotely disagree or want to talk about some issue...ugh! And say I was trying tell him that WTH do you know!..really...just move over cuz it's really all about HIM!! SELFISH AH's!!!!
The EXNH-Psychopath would tell me I was yelling or ranting -- when I wasn't. It makes me feel crazy just to think about it.
I can relate Joyless
They are constantly changing the reality of what was actually said or what actually happened!! I used to get so frustrated I thought my head would explode!!
I think that's a big part of why we think we have gone crazy by the time we go NC
Just one out of many ways they Mind F*ck us!!!
The "you're yelling at me".... Rings a clear bell!!
Hi Ladies...just came back from a fun night with my girlfriends I needed that big time!!
Someone asked me tonight why I'm not with my X anymore so I said we broke up because he likes smoking pole....
Sorry for being so crude but that's my mood right now
Just kidding I know the rules. I was asked that but responded like the lady I am
About the yelling thing....I would be so sweet to him when discussing "Us" because I definitely knew not to cause any waves. He would either create a fight, not have sex with me, or give me the silent treatment.
There were many nights when he would lock himself in the bedroom and I would knock on the door for hours begging him to let me in so we could talk. It was beyond crazy that he did that over NOTHING!! Oh sorry you freakin 5 year old did I hurt your itty bitty feelings???
GO WHACK OFF YOU MINDLESS FUCKJOB!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so glad you had a great time. And I'm gladder you came home to us. :)
Always will, my sister!!! Glad to be home!!!
oh I forgot
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) Back atcha
Here is a common problem I would have. My ExN would tell me off in a calm tone. He would tell me how wrong I was or did. What a terrible person I was, etc. etc. for seemingly no reason or a minor reason, he would go on a rant. But in a calm tone.
I would ask "why are you yelling at me" and he would respond "I'm not yelling, if I was yelling, you'd know it" he said the windows would be shaking and the basically the world would be crumbling if he let his "yelling" out.
But I WAS being scolded and it felt like I was being "yelled" at. So again, he dismissed my feelings of being in trouble or being hurt and used the technicality of the words I chose to prove me wrong.
I tried to explain, that while he wasn't using volume, he was being harsh and cruel. That never seemed to make any sense to him. I was just an idiot, because he wasn't "yelling".
It was agonizing.
[ag-uh-nahyz] Show IPA verb, ag·o·nized, ag·o·niz·ing.
verb (used without object)
to suffer extreme pain or anguish; be in agony.
to put forth great effort of any kind.
verb (used with object)
to distress with extreme pain; torture.
There is a word for you ASSHOLE.
I would say things like: "why are you yelling at me so mad?"
N: "I'm not yelling at you and I'm not mad! If I'm mad, you would know it!!!!!!!!!!!! And then you'd better HIDE!!!!!!!!!!"
Or he would say: "stop yelling at me!!!! if you don't stop your yelling, you'll have to leave this house!!!!" (and I wasn't even yelling)
Mine yelled. I would say stop yelling and he would say I am not yelling, THIS IS YELLING.. and yell so loud my ears would ring.. Sometimes even come right up to my ear and yell directly into it..I always told him I hated yelling.. Really everytime I told him I hated anything or something hurt me seemed he went out of his way to do it more. He also had different voices.. His soft sweet calm phony voice.. The deep demanding voice.. The high pitched voice that always gave away a lie.
Mine was the same way. He would use all these different tones or personas to make his point. When I speak I don't usually think about the voice I'm going to use, I just say what I have to say. I don't try to influence the situation with a specific voice.
Once I had a friend who would change her laugh all the time. She would practice and try on new ones. I always thought that was so weird. How do you rehearse your laughter? It is a natural thing...not something you plan and are conscious of.
The more I think about it, the more I realize how many freaks I've attracted in my life.
Geee, let's think about this....If I say something really mean in a really nice way I can probably get away with it! No thanks. Keep you BS to yourself, not interested!
Creepy, creepy, creeps!
"You're yelling at me." Ha! Me too! I forgot about that tactic. I have NEVER yelled at him. I freakin' tiptoed around him. It was a way to interrupt me when I had a good point, to get me off track. RRRRR GARRRROWL! I'm beginning to get pissed off at him. That's a good thing, right? : )
Eventually I would yell. I would yell at him with volume and force because I never felt HEARD! It was the most frustrating thing, to try and have an honest conversation and he wouldn't even flinch.
I couldn't even tell if he had heard me, was ignoring me or had totally tuned me out. It was F'ed up big time. So I would repeat myself, over and over and over. Still with no response I would raise my volume in sheer frustration.
Then I would get the "why are you yelling?" Seriously? You have dismissed every word out of my mouth for the past hour and now you have something to say? Because I'm yelling?
Yes, I must be a crazy fucking nutcase, to stand here and yell at you over nothing. Nothing but the fact that you have been pretending I don't exist during the entire conversation!
FUCK YOU! That is some ridiculous shit in retrospect. What a set-up! I'm not your bowling pins freak!
That is a really mean thing to do. But somehow I always took the blame and ended up apologizing for yelling. Meekly proclaiming, "well I just didn't feel heard"...That's just sad :(
Gosh that sounds so familiar. It would drive me soooooooo f*cking crazy.
I would end up apologizing for yelling, too... How does this happen? Just like I apologized to him for panicking and being upset when he would pull the ST on me.
We were under some spell with them!
Definately a spell.
How's this for a Narc Lyric (Jay Hawkins aka CCR)
I put a spell on you. Because you're mine.
You better stop the the things that you're doin babe
I said "watch out, I ain't lyin" yeah
I aint gonna take none of your, foolin around
I aint gonna take none of your, puttin me down
I put a spell on you, because your mine.....all right
Even though anything we said to stick up for ourselves was putting them down. But we were not allowed to because we were their object. Don't you dare have an opinion of your own! If you do I will threaten and degrade you until you are a bundle of nerves walking on those oh so familiar egg shells. Fuck that shit!
I was listening to it in the car on the way to work on Friday, thinking just how very appropriate to our situations these lyrics truly are!
We were under a spell. And they were masters at making us puppets dance. I agree, fuck that shit!
This is is exactly what they do Willow aka D & D . Did you delete all ways of contact?
I'm hoping you did!
Stay true to you!
I don't really know how to delete. Do you have any tips? He gave me all his passwords!!
Can u give me some tips on how to delete??
Block him from email, Facebook, iChat, AIM, your phone, your cell, get rid of any way he can contact you or any way in which you can see what he's doing. Don't check his FB page out, the other woman's Facebook. Let him live his life as if it's none of your concern and prevent all contact from taking place.
"I really respect you. Before you, I thought women were just there to have sex with. I never thought I could have a friendship with a girl"
Oh gee, how flattered am I. Blatant admission...should have ran the other way.
In a text: "You're an amazing person, and so am I" (After I dumped his ass). Lol!
Going through my phone reading text messages from ex narc boyfriends and here's some double crazy talk for you:
"Love is for suckers, loving you is for me!"
"I do see you. I see you in everything I have ever wanted. I see you in all of the things I lost. I actually see too much of you!"
that is hilarious... I needed that ... they are such idiots...i was told once that he was so frustrated because words could not express how he really felt..... WOW I should have run so many times....
The most amazing, beautiful, wonderful woman in the world, how can I not love you, I have'nt fallen out but I feel I don't deserve you.. blah blah blah fucking blah!!
I am still trying to figure out WTF he was trying to say 2 years later.....
This was sent to me after 3 weeks of silent treatment.
I didn't even know he was mad when I last spoke to him he said .... gotta take this call baby... and never heard from him again... must have smoked some serious POT as it knocked the brains right outta his head... on that call he took.... what a piece of asswipe!
Oh yeah I guess asswipe does'nt actually have brains what was I thinking?????
Oh, I have another one. Actually, probably like everyone on here, I could go on for days ;)
When the D&D was happening...
When he ended things I asked why he said he was obsessed with me and so in love with me and he missed me (the day he did that)... His reply, "that must be confusing for you. I guess I was confused about my feelings for you." Then he goes and tells me that love is not the issue at all and I am wonderful.
I asked why he proposed... His reply, "That must be confusing as well. I never felt great about the engagement." I told him then the engagement was a lie... His reply, "No, it wasn't a lie. I really wanted to marry you and be with you forever."
Oh, yea... He also said (after being together FIVE years and just proposing to me three and a half months before) you aren't longterm so I wasn't doing us any favors by sticking around anymore.
What a total idiot! Mine was just as bad, thank goodness I'm having trouble remembering specifics he said right now. I just remember "flashes"
One thing mine would do is misconstrue almost everything I said. He would pick apart the words I used but never apply any of the meaning or intent behind them.
I certainly was not allowed to be angry or frustrated because he was totally confusing and evasive.
I was always thinking WTF do you really mean and what is going on here?
"One thing mine would do is misconstrue almost everything I said. He would pick apart the words I used but never apply any of the meaning or intent behind them."
That sounds familiar too...
These N/P's mind fucked us in every single way possible.
Ok, one more from me. This following a D&D -
I asked, what did I do to make you suddenly hate me so?
His response, hate is the furthest thing I feel about you, just the opposite...
Thank god I'm free!
Stay true to you!
we were together at least 7 or 8 years when he tells me he never loved me he just wanted us to get a house together and drive me off the cliff and get the house. I still to this day many years later, wish to HELL I had left him for good! then and there...................
"I was never felt sexually or emotionally connected to you. I married you because I thought my love for you would transform you as [ex-girlfriend's] love transformed me."
After I emailed him to apologize for our argument and ask him why he blocked me on gchat (this was before I knew about narcs, let alone NC).
'Indeed, this is about trust, milady. You really hurt my feelings by calling me selfish and whatnot. But I'll give you another chance because I know you're a little unstable and it's not really your fault. Anyway, I never 'blocked' you, so feel free to text if you want to talk. I don't hate you. :p "
He would give me the silent treatment and then when he thought I had been punished enough, he would allow me back into his graces and say, "Ok, I will give you another chance. You sound truly remorseful, but you must understand I may have a difficult time trusting you." The silent treatment always came after I called him out on something HE did that was hurtful. But I had to be the one to apologize for bringing it up. I always turned into the bad, crazy one for something HE did.
Looking back, I can't believe I apologized for so much of HIS bs just to get him to say something, hell, even look at me! Infuriating. Never ever EVER again.
is #1 rule in the Narc handbook - it's ALL our fault.
So glad it's HISTORY. Never ever again will I allow myself to be treated that way!
Hugs to you and happy Friday!
(not) spinning. NO WAY. NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN!
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