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A sense of relief...
Harper03
Member since:
1 year 9 weeks
1 year 9 weeks
Last activity:
1 year 5 weeks
1 year 5 weeks
A sense of relief...
Posted May 2, 2012 - 11:48am
It's only been five weeks since he called me while he was at his mommy's and ended us... I have many emotions and AT TIMES I still miss him (the illusion)... BUT I have to say I have a sense of relief I don't have to deal with his lies, flirting, lack of empathy, his REAL whereabouts, why he's ignoring me again when only hours before he missed amd loved me so much. why he's obsessed with me one minute and over me the next, why he doesn't want much to do with my life, why he couldn't live with me only and we had to have a roommate, talking about himself so much, why he lies to my face about cheating with evidence in front of his face, oh and his mommy... I could go on and on and on.
I am sure everyone on this site can relate! When the mind f*cking stops and you've had time with NC you can see just exactly how mentally and emotionally tiring that "relationship" was...
Thanks to this site and everyone on here for helping me get to this point...
© E. Scott Enterprises | Lisa E. Scott
We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
I even had a sense of relief
May 3, 2012 - 5:33pm — Janie53I even had a sense of relief when I was with him and he called with yet another of his convoluted and twisted lies and cancelled plans we had. This feeling of relief was a yet another red flag; I knew something was wrong and ignored my gut feeling. I know better now!
Stay true!
Janie
I would have that sense of
May 3, 2012 - 6:33pm — MonarchI would have that sense of relief when he would cancel seeing me too. Ha. Unfortunately, I never really paid attention to it though. Interesting.
Now that you say that, I had
May 3, 2012 - 5:41pm — Harper03Now that you say that, I had a sense of relief when he wasn't around. Haha my mind would finally have a break! It's amazing how we can look back now and point out those "red flags" but at the time we were oblivious... :/
Yes, Harper...
May 3, 2012 - 4:26pm — MonarchI feel relief, sadness at times, but mostly relief. It's almost like I can actually breathe better if that makes sense.
It makes perfect sense. I
May 3, 2012 - 5:38pm — Harper03It makes perfect sense. I can't wait until our sadness is gone!
Harper
May 3, 2012 - 6:37pm — Monarch: ) It's so strange and wonderful how a beautiful stranger like yourself, hopes my sadness goes away soon. It's such a contrast between the narc who studied me, his prey, and knew me so well but WANTED my sadness to stay forever. Thank you, Harper. That little sentence made my whole day, "I can't wait until our sadness is gone."
I'm glad that I made your
May 3, 2012 - 7:50pm — Harper03I'm glad that I made your day. We've been to hell and back and its upsetting to hear the pain each one of you endured. It hasn't been easy and it's a weird and confusing time. Many hugs, Monarch!
It is also a strange but amazing feeling to me too when you have so much comfort and kind words from people who do not know me... When my exN/P loved to see me squirm and upset over him. Or, at times, he didn't care at all. So many people take you under their wing and get you through this. It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that strangers care about you more than the person who you loved most.
Great news Harper, it really
May 3, 2012 - 10:43am — JourneyGreat news Harper, it really does take awhile for NC to sink in to where the fog starts clearing and relief replaces the intensity of 'withdrawal'.
You are well on your way now!! :)
Thank you, Journey!
May 3, 2012 - 3:31pm — Harper03Thank you, Journey!
A sense of relief is were its at!
May 2, 2012 - 4:42pm — Trainwreck56Peace HARPER will be yours, the pain is worth the gain!
NCNCNC
TW
You got that right TW! NC is
May 2, 2012 - 4:55pm — Harper03You got that right TW!
NC is the start to that peace I've needed for the last five plus years!
yeah Harper
May 2, 2012 - 4:03pm — lilygirlWonderful, you've come such a long ways. Keep reading, learning, growing.
You are a beautiful woman and don't ever forget it.
Lily
Thank you for everything! :)
May 2, 2012 - 4:21pm — Harper03Thank you for everything! :) And all of your help through this time.
Harper
May 2, 2012 - 3:58pm — Janie53The best news of my day! You go girl!
Stay true to you as you are doing!
Be proud of yourself!
xxxooo
Janie
Thank you so much. I
May 2, 2012 - 4:20pm — Harper03Thank you so much. I appreciate it!
Many hugs!
You Go Girl....
May 2, 2012 - 1:01pm — FIGHTINGBACKThanks for posting this.....gives lots of us hope and courage! Keep on keepin on
It was hard to get to this
May 2, 2012 - 1:29pm — Harper03It was hard to get to this point. The first time we ended things I did not stay NC. He eventually led me on and then when HE was ready we got back together. This time I changed my number and blocked him from my main email. I used another email I never had to check to keep in touch with handling certain things (the engagement ring and me moving out)... That is the best way to do things IF you can change your number. NC does wonders.
You will get to this point. I know I will have bad days, but I accepted this and everyday I tell myself the things he did and how he handled things were NOT normal. He had no respect for me and my feelings and I need to be with a HEALTHY MAN who handles relationships with care, love, etc. Keep telling yourself that. IT IS TRUE. You deserve more. Men suffering from a PD will NEVER be able to love someone right. It will only work if you are willing to give up your identity and become a robot.... Let them cheat and when they get home smile and keep your mouth shut. Never question them and always put their needs first. You will have to accept that they will walk out when they feel like it AND sometimes without warning... In my case there were no warnings but I loves you and I am obsessed with you. The relationship will ALWAYS be on their terms... NOBODY can live like this.
Many hugs and through this!
Oh Harper, that is so awesome
May 2, 2012 - 12:25pm — Deidre99Oh Harper, that is so awesome to read! Glad to hear you have turned the corner.
NC is so hard at first, but you're so right. Sticking with it, and clarity sort of just...comes.
Good for you!
Deidre99
May 2, 2012 - 12:52pm — Harper03You've helped me so much. Thank you so much for that. I can't take that emotional abuse he put me through. Up until the moments before he called and ended it he was still playing with me head. Changing my number and blocking him from my main email has made NC so much easier.
Hugs!
I have to tell you,
May 2, 2012 - 1:04pm — Deidre99I have to tell you, Harper...how impressed I am that you changed your number and such. I didn't do that shortly after the breakup. I didn't follow through with that for months, actually, but the fact that you did...DESPITE AT TIMES, MAYBE WANTING TO KNOW IF HE THOUGHT OF YOU STILL...is just remarkable! I mean that. I remember not understanding the whole hoover concept last year, and thinking...well, if he contacts me, must mean he cares. WRONG.
You really should be proud of yourself. You had it in you the whole time to turn your back on his nonsense, and this proves it!
(((hugs)))
Thank you so much D ... I've
May 2, 2012 - 4:36pm — Harper03Thank you so much D ... I've been in this spot before and I finally had enough of him ending it and coming back, etc. I was also so angry at the time for him ending things the way he did... Mind f*cking me until the end and ending it in such a cowardly way. Those things right there were the driving forces AT FIRST ;) Now I see reason after reason after reason why I shouldn't be with him. FINALLY :) And I did want to know if he still thought of me and sometimes do still, which I HATE, but we know how they work... They think of you when they NEED something. And I still wish he would change and come back and we could be happy, but he's done too much to me and they never change. Lol the wishing he would change part and come back, well I think that ONLY because it's still early (I hope)... I am hoping indifference comes soon!
I appreciate you helping me with everything!
LOL. yes!
May 3, 2012 - 11:05am — luvapugI agree Harper03!!! "Mind f*cking me until the end and ending it in such a cowardly way" That is what bearings me back to PISSED off!! My ex walked away and erased me from his life...without any kind of hesitation...when hours before he was still talking about trips we should go on and what house to buy?!?!?!?
-luvapug
Hahaha yep! Why do they do
May 3, 2012 - 11:26am — Harper03Hahaha yep! Why do they do that? Mine was doing similar things. He wanted a wedding date a few days before! HAHA it is so pathetic! And when you think about it, it does cause you to be PISSED off. It shows how sad and pathetic they really are.
LOL. yes!
May 3, 2012 - 10:46am — luvapugI agree Harper03!!! "Mind f*cking me until the end and ending it in such a cowardly way" That is what bearings me back to PISSED off!! My ex walked away and erased me from his life...without any kind of hesitation...when hours before he was still talking about trips we should go on and what house to buy?!?!?!?
-luvapug
You are going strong, and
May 3, 2012 - 9:57am — Deidre99You are going strong, and part of healing, is the CD (cognitive dissonance) of the whole thing. Looking back to good times, missing THOSE times. But, the problem is...those times were growing few and far between, and the mind games, and emotional abuse was more often than not. So, unfortunately, you're right. He won't change. If he ever were to try to get to you, he would promise you a rose garden, believe me. But, don't fall for it. You're right...in thinking, if he were to find out somehow, a way to communicate, it would be to try to control you again.
What drove him for five years, and this might be painful to hear, is not you. It was the supply, the adoration, the jealousy, the chasing of him, etc...that drove him to stay with you. He will never be able to have serene, healthy relationship. He will test the next woman, and the next...and the one who stays and tolerates it, will be who he dates. But, he will continue to seek new supply, flirt, make the current person jealous. He won't change. Whenever tempted to think about those 'good times' ...remember all those horrid times, and how you felt.
I would also suggest that you could be in love with the idea of love. You were with him a long time. YOU loved. But, love is truly not one sided. It brings happiness to both parties. It doesn't use, abuse, control, seek to make someone jealous.
Indifference will come soon. Keep at NC! I'm so happy you have come so far. ((hugs))
Are u sure this guys not the
May 2, 2012 - 12:19pm — HunterAre u sure this guys not the Dog Whisperer??
Gross.. Stay the Hell away from him..
Keep the NC buzz alive..
Hunter
Sick how similar they
May 2, 2012 - 12:38pm — Harper03Sick how similar they are.
Thanks for the comment!
harper03
May 2, 2012 - 12:09pm — UsedI am sure everyone on this site can relate! When the mind f*cking stops and you've had time with NC you can see just exactly how mentally and emotionally tiring that "relationship" was...
You are so RIGHT ABOUT THIS....even on my worst day I can still say to my self thank god I am out of it all....
great that you have this insight already....
WELL DONE YOU.....X
Used
May 2, 2012 - 12:46pm — Harper03This isn't the first time this has happened so I am so mentally and emotionally tired at this point. And I feel the same! Even on the worst day I am out of that... I am so glad I do not have that constant worry or wondering where he is!
Thank you so much!
Harper
May 2, 2012 - 12:12pm — onwithmylifeLet me just say as one who is over 3 years out, you are doing just great,I was still a walking zombie, it seems like just yesterday even though all these years have gone by, when i look back as we all do, it seems so strange who I became and what I settled for in terms of horrible treatment, mine never d and d me for another woman, he just moved away and never came back for his belongings, too scared I guess to ever have to look within, they are frightened, empty men who are emotionally stunted and will never get better........also through this dysfunctional man I gained a better sense of me, so I thank him for that!
I've went through this before
May 2, 2012 - 1:01pm — Harper03I've went through this before and I begged for us to work. HE LOVED that and kept me hanging on, then ignoring me, for months. I've had some short lived "breakups" with him and this time I am so sick of his games, he ended our engagement over the phone and I think that is being such a heartless coward.
I am so so so sorry you had to go through that. People like them are cold individuals who will never find what they are looking for.
"it seems so strange who I became and what I settled for in terms of horrible treatment..."
This statement is exactly my feelings. I am trying to figure out WHY?
What is so hard for me, maybe you too, is the fact these guys claimed to love us but they treated us so bad. Left us with NO answers and caused so many issues and here they go on... Like nothing happened while we are left to repair the mess they created.
Many hugs and thank you so much...
Harper at least your Narc
May 2, 2012 - 4:21pm — LoserFreeHarper at least your Narc verbally broke off your engagement.
Mine stole my engagement ring while I was taking a shower at his house.
No ring=No engagement
So let me see here...If you're married and the wife loses here ring are you not married anymore????? Sick Fucking Scum of the Earth bastard!!!
LoserFree
LoserFree
May 3, 2012 - 9:47am — Harper03Are you kidding me? That is horrible. That is truly pathetic. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
What did he say after he stole the ring from you?
Harper I didn't know he stole
May 3, 2012 - 2:46pm — LoserFreeHarper I didn't know he stole the ring at first.
We came home after a great day golfing together. I jumped in the shower to get ready to go out to dinner with him. While at dinner I noticed my ring wasn't on and started to freak out. He calmed me down by assuring me I just left it on the bathroom counter while I was showering.
So we get home and I immediately run to the bathroom to get it......but it's not there.
He helped me look for it for 3 hours. We searched my golf bag, ripped up the pillows on the couch, crawled on the floor searching over and over and over again. He watched me hysterically crying the entire time. And cry myself to sleep....I was sick. It took me 6 years to get him to commit to marriage and now I lost what I waited so long for
The following morning he acted like it was no big deal. I start thinking. NO BIG DEAL???...You bought me 100,000 ring, I lost it, and you're ok with it??? On top of it he asks me if I had it insured because he didn't.(he had the ring certified and the papers so how could I) What normal man wouldn't be upset AT ALL??? It's gone, no insurance, 100,000 grand down the toilet and everything is just hunky dory?? He even told me not to worry I will get you another one exactly like it.
It wasn't until later that day when I called my best friend that realized he stole it. She said that son of a bitch stole it from you. No man would react the way he did. Then he is asking about insurance?? He asked you if you insured it so either you don't claim it and get the money, or if he sells it, it won't be insurance fraud. He HAD to get that ring back before he could move on to someone new. He was just waiting for the right moment. She said what kind of monster would do that to someone?? I was sick to my stomach listening to her tell me the man I loved could be so cruel. I couldn't even get the ring off without soap and water so how COULD I lose it. Still I chose to believe he was not capable of the monster she made him out to be.
Well she was soooooo right. The next few weeks were him starting fights with me about nothing. And my reaction to the senseless fight was what he was waiting for. He blew everything I said out of proportion to create a HUGE problem. Now he tells me I'm crazy, I can't do this anymore, I have anger issues, I operate all day and don't need to come home and listen to you yell at me (I walked on eggshells so yelling was NEVER an option).
I'm thinking what in the hell are you talking about, and why are you ripping on me?? Am I really crazy, because I don't even know how this fight started in the first place!!
It doesn't matter to a Narc how ridiculous they are being, or that you know they are making shit up. You can be the sweetest and most loving partner on the planet.....but bottom line is when they want out they will say and do whatever it takes to get out!!!
An ugly reminder of what a LOW LIFE SCUM he is!!!!
HUGS
LoserFree
That is quite a story. Nobody
May 3, 2012 - 3:30pm — Harper03That is quite a story. Nobody could even make that up. These guys are so nuts!
I can't believe you had a good day with him and he stole the ring. I am speechless after I read that. AND nobody would act like that when it came to a ring, or anything, that cost that much money.
It is really crazy how they behave. I am wondering why our CRAZY exN/P's would even purpose? It seemed doomed from the beginning in their minds.
That was some mind f*cking he was doing with you.
HUGS HUGS HUGS
Harper they do such crazy,
May 3, 2012 - 5:22pm — LoserFreeHarper they do such crazy, unbelievable shit!!
I believe in the beginning they sweep you off your feet, pretend to be head over heels in love with you, tell you everything you want to hear, promise you the world, give you endless compliments etc....just so when the mind fucking starts you question your own sanity!
A sick game they play from Day ONE!!!
Oh BTW, mine proposed to me because he knew I would be gone soon if he didn't. My guess is he had no good supply at the time and needed to keep me around until he secured some! All very calculated by the Narc as to getting that ring back
In the end they all MIND FUCK themselves!!!!!!!!
Hugs Hugs Hugs Back atcha
LoserFree
You are right on about the
May 3, 2012 - 7:55pm — Harper03You are right on about the beginning. They are such sick assholes.
I think mine proposed for a similar reason. And he wanted to shut me up about him cheating on me which he claims he never once did. Yea right. I think it was many times.
They are such a sad, pathetic breed.
Mine claimed he never cheated
May 3, 2012 - 9:25pm — LoserFreeMine claimed he never cheated on me too. He always claimed we weren't together when he was dating these women
Well lets see now....
We had a fight not a break up
You immediately have OW and taking her out in public within a week
A trivial fight ends up ST for a month (while you try to secure supply from OW)
If I happen to run into you during that month you act like you don't know me
You don't return my texts when I am begging you to respond after I tell you how much I love and miss you
I text you asking you to please see my side....no response
I text you saying how can you do this to me you said we were soul mates...no response
I text you saying relationships have ups and downs so we need to work it out because it will only make "us" stronger in the long run...no response
I text you pleading like a pathetic human being over and over...no response
No You weren't cheating....You were just home for a month reflecting on our itty bitty fight that left you so fucking devastated.
NEWS FLASH......The DUMBFUCK you saw written across my forehead was there to be reflected back to you NarcWhore!!!
Peace, strength and love
LoserFree
Harper, this is so very true...
May 2, 2012 - 11:54am — spinning...and congratulations on your five weeks of peace and freedom. That is HUGE and you should feel very good about yourself.
I have more good news, too, Harper. This journey, which can be so bumpy at times, just brings more of the feelings you describe above the farther out on The Path Forward you go. I am almost 18 months out and I can only reiterate how excellent it is to be free of all the draining, tiring, anxiety-producing, head-spinning, hoop-jumping drama and trauma of the so called "relationship" with a disordered one. The farther out I get, the more I relish life as it unfolds before me. And it is unfolding in such a beautiful way! Getting untangled from all the soul-sucking darkness and stepping into the light opens up so many wonderful things. I wouldn't go back to any of that chaos and destruction for all the money in the world!
I just want you to know this sense of relief will grow into a sense of true joy and happiness; one of self-knowledge, self-empowerment and self-love that will continue to bring you the gifts you describe here.
I am so happy for you and thank you for this post. It is the absolute truth!
Love,
(not) spinning. AND IT FEELS ABSOLUTELY GREAT
"...how excellent if is to be
May 2, 2012 - 1:16pm — Harper03"...how excellent if is to be free of all the draining, tiring, anxiety-producting, head-spinning, hoop-jumping drama and trauma of the so called "relationship" with a disordered one."
WOW that sums up a relationship with one of these guys PERFECTLY. WELL put!
I am angry at myself I went back to him the first time we ended things... I endured a lot more pain on a deeper level the second time around. BUT, I know those feelings will pass. What is done is done and I know things will get easier and I can't wait until the day I find that happiness and joy! REAL, happy emotions without the N weighing me down.
Congrats on being 18 months free and doing so, so well. That is an inspiration.
Thank you so much! MANY hugs!
Thank you
May 2, 2012 - 1:04pm — FIGHTINGBACK4 days in with NC and I am so thankful to read these kinds of posts.......yesterday was absolutely hellish....felt dragged to the deepest depths of despair. I think this is because I am finally starting the realization process and it hit me hard.
So thankful for everyone here.
Love and hugs