No one can MAKE you feel anything

No one can MAKE you feel anything
Posted May 2, 2012 - 8:02am
1

Just a rant today. I freaking hate this phrase. It's total bullshit! I hear it all the time. No one can MAKE you feel small, insignificant, worthless, ashamed... blah blah blah. OF COURSE THEY CAN! A NARC is especially good at this. Their behaviors, the idealization, the D&D, the verbal assaults, the criticism...it's all by design SPECIFICALLY to ensure the proper feelings of worthlessness are felt by their victims. Why do people always blame the person who HAS feelings for actually FEELING exactly what the NARC wanted us to. They carefully hone their craft for just such effects, then not only do we feel ashamed, devalued, unloved... but now we get to feel stupid too because "hey, they didn't MAKE us feel like that". WTH?

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Lookonthesunnyside's picture

I was going to post this

May 2, 2012 - 12:31pm — Lookonthesunnyside

I was going to post this exact same rant a while ago! "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - total bullshit and such a non-empathetic statement. It could be "no one can make you feel inferior, worthless, small, unattractive, scared, anxious (etc) over and over again without your consent. But even that is a stretch. These people are so subtle and devious and their atempts to bring you down.

Deidre99's picture

agree with sparrow. I do

May 2, 2012 - 10:53am — Deidre99

agree with sparrow.

I do think when we're in the throes of the fog with the narc...we can't help but feel brainwashed. But, truthfully, at some point, I allowed myself to be mistreated. I knew it was wrong. ON SOME LEVEL, I knew. But, it felt familiar, from a childhood racked with verbal and emotional abuse. So, in some ways, I feel victimized by narcs in my life, but in other ways, I know that I had the power to remove myself from the situations.

And I did!

but point well taken knighty! how's your new digs? :)

Sparrow's picture

That term is simply a

May 2, 2012 - 10:01am — Sparrow

That term is simply a reminder to you during difficult times. It is meant to help pull someone up when down, to take control of themselves and how they are feeling. Just a reminder that we are in control. Although the N "affected" us in the way they do, we are still living, breathing, and capable of regrouping.

It's call encouragement, something we all need from time to time. YES, they are to blame intitially, but we are the ones that are to blame if we allow it to continue and refuse to heal.

NEVER feel stupid, EVER.

Snowflake's picture

Maybe its meant to just make you think

May 2, 2012 - 10:19am — Snowflake

eg partner treats you badly..

first person feels angry..dont dare treat me like that
second person thinks partner doesnt love me, feels depressed
third person thinks I dont deserve this and feels hurt
fourth person thinks I have been waiting for an excuse to leave him for ages and feels happy..

Same situation yet four people felt it differently.

this is ad libbed from a cbt book I am reading. There is evidence to back up you feel the way you think..people have had horrible experiences on here and I am by no means making light, just offering an option to help stop toxic thoughts..

CBT book certainly worth a look x

knighty2035's picture

another way it goes

May 2, 2012 - 10:39am — knighty2035

partner idealizes you...then treats you badly.

First person feels angry and says "don't you dare treat me like that".
NARC says "your the one treating me badly and hurting me by doing XYZ or not doing ABC"
First person thinks "am I? No that is not what I'm doing" and says.. "I feel hurt by your treatment and don't deserve this"
NARC fights back saying "its your own fault, if you didn't XYZ or ABC I would love you like I did before"
First partner hears "because you didn't behave the way I want I no longer love you" she now feels depressed and responsible and tries to behave in a way that illicits the love previous shown to her.
Eventually after enough of these cycles first person finally thinks "I'm really tired of jumping through these hoops of his just to be told I'm not jumping high enough. I have been waiting for an excuse to leave him for ages and takes the opportunity to run like hell".

knighty2035's picture

I get that CBT part

May 2, 2012 - 10:27am — knighty2035

However, it's the maliciousness of the "set up". And it is indeed a set up. Idealization then D&D and Gaslighting. It's a set up specifically designed to get us to doubt ourselves, to blame ourselves, and to mind f*ck us into believing somehow if we just tried harder they would behave differently. It's insidious and purposeful ... to CREATE these feelings in us about ourselves.. that were not originally there.

Snowflake's picture

yes knighty

May 2, 2012 - 12:09pm — Snowflake

and I totally agree ..

It is awful and people are badly scarred..I dont even know if CBT works..there is a lot of science to back it up, its going to be tried with me on May 10 but just thought Id read up on it beforehand.

And a lot does make sense..

One glove doesnt fit all so I guess this was more of an 'I'm trying this, than a suggestion for all..but its a fab book x

lilygirl's picture

knighty

May 2, 2012 - 9:38am — lilygirl

At least we can feel! They can't, numb MFers.

deadenddreamer's picture

I FEEL the same way...

May 2, 2012 - 9:34am — deadenddreamer

I don't understand that comment..."No one can MAKE you feel small, insignificant, worthless, ashamed... blah blah blah." AND I AGREE YES THEY CAN!

I struggle with the same thing and I know it is tied to self love - but after being with an "N" any love that you have for yourself or anything is gone.

Joyless's picture

I think a Narc made up that

May 2, 2012 - 9:26am — Joyless

I think a Narc made up that phrase!! They certainly DON'T FEEL ANYTHING!!

knighty2035's picture

When I think about it

May 2, 2012 - 9:29am — knighty2035

my stbxNPDh use to tell me that. That he's not responsible for MY feelings. and yet on the flip side, I was apparently responsible for every feeling he ever had no matter how miniscule. so at the end of the day, I was responsible for ALL the feeling in the relationship.. which makes sense when you finally get that they actually have NONE. Of course it's for us to pick up the slack and feel FOR them as well as take responsibility for our own.

Janie53's picture

Knighty

May 2, 2012 - 9:23am — Janie53

I agree with what your saying but I think that feeling comment is generally made in reference to real people with real emotions; not the sub inhumane species that narcs are.

Stay true!
Janie

Wallace's picture

I agree

May 2, 2012 - 8:19am — Wallace

I think that statement is meant to be empowering but when my previous therapist (that the N and I were seeing for marriage-counselling) said that to me I just got pissed off. It negates all the hurt, frustration and pain that we experience and turns it around like it is our fault we are experiencing hurt from the N behaviour. I agree it is stupid. I guess what IS the choice is whether we stay to put up with it or leave and never allow anyone to make us feel that way again.
Strength and love
xxx

bgirl's picture

Knighty I was just about to

May 2, 2012 - 8:15am — bgirl

Knighty I was just about to respectfully say with controlled inner rage that the title of this topic is absolute B.S!!

Then I read the body of the post and agree with you wholeheartedly.
Brainwashing, seduction, hypnosis, projection, suggestion, gaslighting, to name a few.
I probably used to think along the lines of no one can make you feel a particular way. Nah ah..no way do I believe that anymore.

I was CULT-ivated by an abomination to mankind!!!!!

X
B