Wasp's Story

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#1 Apr 29 - 11PM
wasp
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Wasp's Story

I met my N the very first night I went out for a girls night out after becoming separated from my husband of 11 years. The marriage was over and had been sexless for a long time. I even had to go to a sex therapist so I could learn how to achieve an orgasm again...This was my state of mind when I met the N. He was my Adonis in every way. Then we were together all night and the rest of the weekend. I was hooked. Not only did I love to look at him, he kissed me the way I wanted to be kissed, and everything else was just what I needed without having to coach or ask. I told him the first night what my relationship status was and he was ok with that, of course! So, for the next 8 months or so we saw each other whenever I had an opportunity although we were always clear with one another that it was purely a physical relationship...then we talked and texted daily, saw each other as often as possible and then I started to love him and was on the verge of obsession. I have never been the jealous type, but with him I couldn't quit wondering if he was seeing other girls, but he was not my boyfriend, I rationalized, why rock the boat with needy questions??? Clearly, I was being manipulated but I never realized it. As time moved on, he did become my boyfriend, the sex and attraction were still stellar with no sign of waning but I started to have a lot of anxiety when I was not with him. I actually cried the night we became a couple because of the odd way he handled it... I wasn't sure if we were going to be together or never see one another again. Then I started having "Feelings in the pit of my stomach" like something was not right but I could not put my finger on it...He actually told me many times he thought there was something wrong with him, he showed me an article about NPD and said he thought he had it and I was like "no, you do not have that!!" He told me I was the only person he trusted other than his sister, he told me about his troubled childhood. He told me, after a time, that he thinks the world should end because the human race is a cancer on this earth. He asked me why I liked him and why did I want to spend time with him - he is a bad person, a piece of shit, an asshole. We talked a lot and I tried to help him. I'd like to insert here that I have a lot of Codependent tendencies which did not help me any. I then learned that he self medicated A LOT. Pot, pills, whatever he could get his hands on. And it usually made him really mean. We fought about the drugs because I would NEVER date an alcoholic (my daddy, whom I love, is an alcoholic and I will not live that life!) so I struggled with the drugs, but I was so brainwashed I let it slide, WTF. I fought with myself constantly. I said to myself, he does not respect you, he does not listen to you, he does not give you what you need emotionally...but I let it all slide because the physical connection was so amazing. Then my girlfriend had a placental abruption and lost her full term baby. I was devastated for her and the N 's response was "that happens every day, what's the big deal?" and "will he (the baby) be wearing a tux or something haha?" Finally, I was so angry at his response/reaction that I started really thinking about our relationship. I broke up with him twice, only to be called by him immediately to say he wanted me. And I let him back in. I was so in love. I was so attracted to him. Then 1 friend at work saw him out with another girl and another coworker saw pictures of him with another girl on instagram. I was so angry and hurt and he was on his way to the beach, supposedly alone. I have never heard so many lies in all of my life. When he finally called me that evening I told him I was going to give him one chance to come clean with me and this was it and he said "I have no idea what you are talking about" and I said "why because there are too many to choose from?????" i now believe truer words have never been spoken. He confessed to dinner only with that OW although I knew he was lying. He said he was trying to get over me and it didn't work, he realized what we had together. He said he had nothing more to do with that girl, that she was really stupid actually and tons of other lies. He sent me a picture of the beach and said "wish you were here". HE WAS WITH HER while he texted me or talked to me on the phone!!! He told her I was his running partner and who knows what else. Then we fought and cried for about a week and then I did not hear from him for 2 1/2 days after a text that said "I want to die". When he called me after the 2 1/2 days I was an anxious mess, I had left him 2 voicemails but refused to go to his house because I knew I'd never forgive myself if the OW was there instead of something wrong with him. He said he had taken a bunch of pills and woke up in a bed full of puke. I was so relieved to know he was ok and I felt the need to help him some more. I was considering reconciling with some other considerations like counseling for him and possibly us. Then, I caught him walking the OW to her car 20 minutes before our scheduled meeting time to talk. He'd been hanging out with her until it was time for me to get there. I was early. I confronted him and her. I told him I was calling his sister because I could not be his lifeline anymore. I had previously not contacted his sister because I would ask him if I could talk to her and he said no. I did not want to BETRAY HIS TRUST so I didn't call her. And now here I am. Devastated. So unhappy and angry and hurt. And then i feel guilty for abandoning him, thank you codependence. I am in counseling and trying to make sense of all of this shit he put me through within this forum, which does help tremendously, but also opens up the wounds. I have anxiety and some depression and I am scared to death that I will not have sex like that again (really! I know that should be the least of my worries). I had a 2 week run of NC on my part, he contacted me EVERYDAY, which I broke with basically a "goodbye letter" after a text he sent that was like nothing was wrong with us and really pissed me off. Couldn't he see the hurt and betrayal I was feeling???? Then I had another 2 week run of NC (on both sides - his sister has been talking him out of coming to see me at work or home) which I, stupidly, broke again when I unfriended him on facebook (where his status still said "In a relationship" but all of his friends and comments were hidden from me - that is just SO normal, right?) Now it has been 1 week of NC again. I know he is broken. But I struggle everyday. I cry at random times because a smell or song, basically everything, reminds me of him. I know that he did not meet my needs but I cannot let go. I have slowly been getting rid of pictures, etc. and I'll think we LOOKED so happy...weren't we happy and in love? How could I feel so strongly for someone who feels NOTHING??

May 6 - 11PM
wasp
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sad but hopeful

Apr 30 - 11AM
Sparrow
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Co-dependency is ringing loud

Apr 30 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
wasp
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Thank you for your advice

Apr 30 - 11AM
Canada
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Insight

Apr 30 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
wasp
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Lessons

Apr 30 - 7AM
Hunter
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Welcome to Narcville.. Read,

Apr 30 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
wasp
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Thanks Hunter. Will do. wasp

Apr 29 - 11PM
wasp
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to clarify wasp's story