It took me a long time to write this. I am compelled to write this to you, because everytime I tried to talk to you in person, I fel like I am trying to reason with a 3 year old. Every time I tried to communicate with you, you withdrew and told me ‘’You don’t need to explain me anything’’.
For years after our first split, I was still trying to make the pieces of the puzzle fit, which trapped me in a labyrinth of obsession.
I was tormented by the question ‘’Was it YOU, or ME?’’.
I’ve replayed this tape for thousands of times in my head.
I couldn’t understand WHY I kept wanting you, after all the tremendous suffering you put me through. God, this pain was excruciating…I only wanted it to STOP. You left me feeling guilty, ashamed and worthless.
The feeling you recently gave me, that after all those years, I wasn’t worth the closure, was devastating.
6 months since we last spoke to each other, I am giving my own closure.
I should have written this the day I heard that you ‘’plan’’ breaking up with me and that you are seeing someone since months, behind my back. That was brutal. I felt like a victim of a hit-and-run accident.
I had the strange feeling that everything was over, right there. Once the trust is lost, cannot be regained. I tried to lie to myself that you didn’t cheat, you didn’t lie. You were just confused. But no, against my own intuition, I decided to let it flow, you know… Take it easy, so that you don’t feel pressured, not run away etc.
Little was I to know that you WILL RUN AWAY, you WILL ABANDON ME, you WILL HURT ME and that LIFE WILL FEEL LIKE NOT WORTH LIVING ANYMORE.
I didn’t know back then that my love will literally open the Gates of Hell and that I would go through 10 years of tremendous suffering, self-loathing, self-hate and feeling of not being good enough.
Oh seeing the desperation in my eyes for not really ‘’hitting your mark’’…that was delicious for you. You dangled the prize before my eyes, postponing satisfaction… my mind did the rest. I am sure you had so much fun watching me struggle for the very thing you didn’t want to give me.
That was sadistic. That was monstruos.
I loved you. A pure love, innocent and true. I jumped higher and higher as you constantly rose the bar. How foolish of me to try to convince you that I AM THE ONE.
Begging you to get in touch with your inner self, trying to save you while I was inflicting my own self death.
Yes, being with you felt like I was dying.
I actually thought you succeeded to spiritually kill me until the day I woke up and realised, I didn’t die. I survived one of the toughest tests of my life.
And I will post this letter on the net (without names), hoping that someday, somebody who went through the same hellish ride, will be able to realize that there is life beyond suffering.
ME, before meeting you
As I child I tried hard to make sense as to WHY I was not getting enough affection and support from my parents. I came to the conclusion that I must have been not good enough, not smart enough, not cute enough etc. I carried this injuries to my self-esteem all the way to adulthood. Even now, I am not sure if I will be able to forgive my alcoholic father for hunting us down in the house or for those nights when I used to dream that my house will burn down and my parents will die and that hopefully, some orphanage or some neighbors will take us in.
When I met you, you made me feel worthy for the first time in my life. Worthy of your love. I felt like you could heal me and shut down all the pain inside of me.
YOU, before you met me
Bored easily, discarding relationships at will, fun guy to be with! Bottomless well of shame and self-loathing and who knows, maybe just a spoiled brat. Oh yes you knew it, don’t you? You hate yourself right now, just how you were doing it back then, when you met me.
Secretly, you hate yourself for not being perfect as your mother or father wanted to. You are the only son in the family. You felt compelled to search for the perfect status, perfect job (own company), perfect wife and perfect children just to prove everyone that you were perfect and most of all worthy.
None of your previous relationship was worthy of you. That’s why they were short-lived and meaningless.
How many nights you stood in front of your pc, yearning for the one, the one and only perfect WOMAN who- will- make -everything OKAY? THE THING in you knew that and soon, there was almost nothing left of the real you (the warm, timid and sensible guy), except for the rare moments when you laid down at night, alone with your thoughts, shame and guilt.
We met. Oh boy, I saw through you. Our true selves apparently similar. The damaged spirit. I saw myself as I child, unloved, ugly and unwanted. Yes, I saw myself in the mirror. We were supposed to meet.
God brought you to me so I can rescue you and rescue myself. So I thought. And mirroring you did.
I was and I still am: funny, loving, sarcastic, tender, profound, intelligent, witty, warm, sexy, passionate, spiritual. You reflected all these things back to me. Kissing my eyes after I was kissing yours, carressing me after I was caressing you etc.
It felt like heaven. I didn’t want it to end. Endless bliss.
‘’I’ve been looking for you all my life’’, this is what I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs when you first kissed me…
When you looked into my eyes I felt a deep sense of relief and visceral feeling of fulfillment. I felt such confidence that we have a permanent bond that will endure despite separation, time, distance, or even death. Vulnerability and futility of words.
I thought you were AUTHENTIC, WITHOUT PRETENSE OR DISGUISE.
Slowly I become vulnerable to your subtle influence. And you entered my spirit.
Yes, remember the DAY WHEN I CRIED? ‘’Why are you crying, you whiner’’ you whispered and you kissed me. You felt that I was SO AFRAID to lose you and you reassured me with your embrace. You didn’t need to say it. I felt it. I was safe. Safe from all the hurts and rejections I lived before meeting you.
But one day you (was it you?) thought ‘’I am being too nice. My kindness is charming, but it is monotonous’’. ‘’How would she react if I stop overwhelming her with love and change direction? Maybe inflicting some pain would do.’’
I remember that day when you looked to me suddenly uninterested.
You instigated the first breakup, subjecting me to such emptiness and pain. Up until I met you, my magic number was 1. That is: one break up and was over.
But the illusion of happiness was much more alluring and I just wanted to return to your earlier kindness.
That was the moment you turned me weak at the knees. The lower the lows you created, the greater the highs. To heighten the erotic charge, you created the excitement of fear.
What makes us intensely appreciate something is previous suffering. A brush with death makes us fall in love with life; a long journey makes a return home that much more pleasurable. Your task was to create moments of sadness, despair, and anguish, to create the tension that allows for a great release.
The ride on which you took me was tortuous but never dull. At all costs, you kept me emotional and on edge.
THE CRAZY MAKING
That was the brilliant part.
We went out, made love hours long, kissed until my lips were sore. One day I even had a black eye because you kissed my eyes too much. Man, I think I know now how another hit of Cocaine would be like.
You imposed another person between you and me just to envelop yourself in an aura of desirability.
I had to compete with your past and your present. I naturally longed to possess you all to myself (you were MY ‘’SOULMATE’’ and NOBODY was going to take you away from me).
You filled my mind with your image. I was in love with your smell, your eyes, your every pore, your every thought. You hinted at a complexity that cannot be grasped in a week or two. You were an elusive mystery, an irresistible lure, promising great pleasure if only it can be possessed.
I began to fantasize about you, about our lifetime and our kids we will have ONCE I make- you- see the -light.
You triggered in me the compulsion of wanting to win and heal you. And this was the moment I fell on the slippery slope of pain and I was not able to stop myself from from sliding down, for the past 10 years.
We were breaking up, then continuing to sleep together (nothing beats the drama of break-up sex isn’t it ?) , which basically absolved you of all responsibility toward my feelings.
After all, we were not going out anymore. So slowly, I was not the girlfriend anymore, but your other woman. I was not idealized anymore. Not pure, not worth the chase. It’s genius! It’s diabolical!
Still you were calling me hours long on the phone. Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us.
What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn’t want you in his life anymore, his sad voice on the other end of the phone? It’s validating. It’s exciting. It’s irresistible.
Phone. Going out. Sleeping together. Silence. Me crying hours long. Silence. Weeks go by. Phone. Your sad voice. Going out. Recycle. Repeat.
Hilarious. Me hurting like hell, feeling pain beyond description and you… sniffing around for something better.
There’s nothing worse than having no answer. But the news is your silence is my answer. You never wrote me a good-bye note, for the sake of all the years YOU ACTED like friends and lovers.
The only reason I write this is to purge my feelings and give myself the opportunity to say goodbye.
Answers to your questions (in case you have them. I highly doubt it, but I am pretty sure that by now you are torn between self-hate, lying to yourself and denial).
1. Why did I ‘’ran’’?
Deciding to move on, marry and relocate was for me a complicated and difficult decision. How do you give up on a dream you had all your lifetime?
One day I remembered that the person I used to dream about was the same person who, not long before, looked me in my eyes, sh*tted all over my qualities, and told me that he was no longer in need of my company.
2. Do I believe you when you say you NOW have everything-you-need ?
Actually, I don’t believe you. Why? Ask yourself. You know the answer. Hint: Pregnant wife, you messaging me. You wife giving birth. You messaging me. Wife with baby at home. You telling me that ‘’you do not want to forget’’ (laughing here). This is SO SAD.
A guy says he doesn’t want to be with you. Sometimes that guy realizes he’s made the biggest mistake of his life. And then sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes, the guy is just not into you. Either way, either way, the case is closed.
3. Do I remember?
Of course I remember
- I wanted to give you a shy kiss on your mouth but missed and landed with my lips on your neck. We both started laughing
- Kissing on the seaside and getting caught by the police
- Drawing to each other Doodle on Yahoo Messenger and histerically laughing
- You kissing my ear and all the electrical shock I felt everytime you did that
- You telling me to stop drinking beer
- Reading R.and I. Relationship Journal and laughing like crazy
- You coming to my workplace and sitting on the couch. You did that n-times after breakups. Sitting and watching me. Me angry and desperately crazy to kiss you and make up.
- Our eyeglasses making sounds as we kissed. Hilarious. Or putting our eyeglasses next to eachother on the side of the bed when we wanted to make love.
- Your mother came inside your room while I was laying naked under the blanket and I had to pretend I am a pillow till she went away.
- My father caught us.
- Putting my hands under your ass while you were driving
- You calling me DEX.
- Drawing a heart on a window and putting our initials (N & G) inside and then laughing till our stomachs hurt because ‘’love was stupid’’.
- My dog, Lady watching curiously through the bedroom door
- Your skin smelled like coffee and black pepper.
- You used to like having my hands playing with your hair
- I remember that you probably did all the above things with everyone.
4. Did you manipulate me? (Like you jokingly told me)
You did, that’s the truth. I waited around looking for a glimmer, a ray, a sign of hope that perhaps you will come to your senses and realized I were the best thing that ever happened to you.
Oh, I don’t know… loving someone and being with them and knowing every inch of their body and seeing them naked…. and never having felt this way before…… and feeling like your whole life has changed for the better and …..compiling hours and days and weeks of happy memories and thinking you’ll spend the rest of your life together and…. then finding out that in fact he doesn’t even want to see you…tomorrow.
Well…you do feel manipulated.
5. Does my husband love me?
He said he would die for me. He held my father’s hand who was dying of cancer. He prayed for my father. I love him and respect him for loving me.
- I cried for months. Stood in bed and wailed. Walking between reality and confusion. I burdened myself with my misery. Slept too much. Or too less. Waiting by the phone to see your calls. Cried some more. And moved on.
- Sometimes a person’s behavior is so abhorrent that it leaves little doubt as to what to do. The big mistake I made was choosing that person to begin with. The quickest way to rectify that mistake is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.
- The reason it’s so painful when someone disappears because you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before. The hard part is realizing that he was lying to you, before the moment of vanishing
- 6 months ago you told me that you love to ‘’hit and run’’ and then, you said it was just a joke. In that moment I realized that this was your way of saying what you really think of me.
- I don’t need to remind you that I AM GREAT. You know I WAS THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY.
I AM LOVING, I AM PASSIONATE, I DROOL WHEN I SLEEP, I BITE WHEN I KISS, I AM A GREAT COOK, I HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR, MY SARCASM IS FASCINATING, I HAVE GREAT EYES, I GIGGLE A LOT. I AM A WALKING DICTIONARY LIKE YOU SAID. I AM A PERFORMER IN EVERYTHING I DO. I AM A GOOD MOTHER TO MY CHILD AND A SUPPORTING WIFE TO MY HUSBAND. Most of all, I AM NOT FORGETTABLE.
- I no longer ask myself what I did wrong or how I could have done it differently. I don’t waste my heart and mind trying to figure out WHY you did what you did. Or thinking back on all the things you said, and wondering what was the truth and what was the lie. I just grew bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again.
One day I started to laugh. I couldn’t stop it. The futility of all…
It was liberating and I felt like a bird freed from its cage. And then I knew I was ready to write this goodbye letter.
I am walking away with my head held high, graciously, and with dignity, knowing that I did my best and that it was NOT my fault and that I WAS NOT CRAZY.
You always knew I was exceptional ….but some nagging, nasty thing inside yourself kept telling you there is somebody better out there. That nasty thing fooled you.
Maybe because you went to Mecca, but your heart was closed and you missed all the purpose of the whole spiritual trip. You still pray and you talk THE TALK but you cannot walk THE WALK.
You did a bad thing. Not because you didn’t love me. But because you stole my spiritual innocence. You stole my ability to trust love again. I see the World and People with different eyes now. I cannot regain this anymore.
I honestly hope you will be forgiven, I do pray for you. I hope I will be forgiven too.
As you know, every one of our deeds will be judged. This life is only a test. God is all Forgiving, all Merciful.
What are we going to do now?
You are going to do the same thing you used to do even before you knew me. You are going to keep playing THE GAME of chasing. You will not change. Why? Because there will always be somebody there to be fooled by your mask.
In my case, you WON. This is what you wanted to hear? You WON:)
I won too. You wanna know how?
I know now that your personality has a huge fracture. You willingly dissociate and cut-off from any feelings of guilt. Or love. And I CANNOT FIX THIS.
I just have to walk away and let you go. Trying to figure YOU out was like a full-time job for me. All for what? For some few crumbs of attention? No matter how brilliant I am, you will never be able to see it. When I think of you, sadly I see you like in a kind of coma, from which you will never wake up.
I pray that you hit rock bottom one day just like I did, and then, hopefully you will be able to heal.
If that day comes, basically you’re going to have to feel the pain, you’re going to have to go through it, knowing that you lost me. And you are going to search me in every woman you meet. No matter how smart, RICH, or better looking she is, she will not be me. You will feel the pain of remorse for destroying the very thing you always wanted. Unconditional love for who you are. The kind of love which one can feel only once in life.
I saw beyond your childhood wounds, I saw behind your ‘’happy’’ mask, I saw your emptiness. I loved you for who you really were. But THE THING inside yourself didn’t want to let you know that somebody could love you so much, inspite your inner wasteland.
It was right there. The only thing you ever searched for. But you couldn’t trust it or accept it.
Myself, I hope I passed this test, because He said He is going to test our patience through personal hardship. I realized He blessed me through this test or life lesson. I saw my mistakes and I understood.
We will grow old, we will experience joy and tears and we will, one day, pass away on the Other Side.
I hope you will reach a place of acceptance in this world.
Know this, no person with even a grain of proudness will be able to enter Paradise. Think about it.
I hope we will meet in Berzakh, free of egos, craziness, proudness, desire to win or desire to have the last Word. Meeting and talking to you until then will be however, too soon.
You WILL recognize me, as your recognized me in this lifetime.
This is what I always wanted to say to you.
Peace be upon you,
BlueMist aka ‘’the perfect-victim’’