WHY would he admit to cheating?

WHY would he admit to cheating?
Posted April 29, 2012 - 5:35pm
0

Okay, I feel like Im back peddling when it comes to my progress a bit. Its bothering me but I just need to get this of my chest.

When I broke up with my ex it was because he came over to my house with this letter that he read to me, in it he admitted to making out with his female roommate. (She had moved out by then). He claimed he was drunk and did not remember, and that she told him this 2 weeks before he admitted it to me. He later took it back after our breakup and said that she was crazy and had made it up. TOTAL BULLSHIT, clearly.

My confusion is..why admit to the make out? My guess is that since he knew I didnt trust him and had found sketchy things, that he decided to admit to something 'minor', say he was coming clean about everything, felt awful, and assumed that I would believe him. This way he could throw me off the scent of anything else that may have happened and throw in my face "I already admitted everything to you!" in the future if I ever questioned his loyalty. Does that sound about right?

Thats the only explanation I can come up with. Other than that he was too chicken to admit it to me for 8 months and then finally did. Although this theory implies that there was some aspect of guilt, which I dont actually think there was.

Also, I found out he had still been texting this "friend" days before he admitted this to me. He said he had been texting her for "advice". WTF.

Has anyone else had a narc admit to cheating? And were they just admitting to a fraction of what they'd done to try and gain some trust?

Thanks.

I know I shouldnt be going here, I know it doesnt matter, hes fucked up and we're done. I had made peace with this but for some reason its plaguing me again.

‹ Don't you love it No one can MAKE you feel anything ›
lilygirl's picture

Cheating

May 2, 2012 - 9:05am — lilygirl

Mine told me all sorts of stories that I felt might better be shared w a guy buddy. Oh, right he did not have any.

Mine really did not think cybersex or meeting w strangers for sex was cheating. He loved talking about it.

He wanted me to accept his pathologies. They don't think anything is wrong with them. I was a sexual prude.

Mind bending MF.

Lily

Lookonthesunnyside's picture

Ugh thats fucked. Im sure

May 2, 2012 - 12:34pm — Lookonthesunnyside

Ugh thats fucked. Im sure mine was cyber sexing with people too, and/or web camming. I remember saying to him "I dont want you sex camming with people on the internet" because I just had a feeling he was, and he replied in the most annoyed tone EVER, between clenched teeth "I know, you've already told me that." Not "omg I would never", or "why would you think that?". He was just pissed I was hassling him about it.

They're sick fucks, truly.

abreva's picture

all the better to tangle you up

April 30, 2012 - 9:37am — abreva

By admitting to cheating (or anything) he:
confuses
hurts
tangles
continues the drama
etc.

His goal was/is to control you, dominate you.
He gets off on seeing you in pain, upset, confused.
He likes to watch you do that dance.

I think the EXNH-Psychopath tried to make me think he was having an affair, so that he could then DENY it and use that as EVIDENCE about how crazy I was. I don't care if he was having an affair. If he had had an affair and BEEN NICE TO ME that would have been great.

Snowflake's picture

Its good to see you

April 30, 2012 - 4:01am — Snowflake

working through your stuff.

I think it depends how they say it..mine for example made out lots of girls came back to the hotel room after a stag do..the result, I cant tell you how hurt I felt, someone really tramped on my heart that night, I was physically sick.
My reaction told him exactly what he wanted to know 'I was hooked'..jealousy, rage..he played the game then laughed it off and said hey not my room..

Even worse than that, I went back to him.

Although he never admitted anything, he used jealousy to control me.

So my answer to you based on my experiences is that they play with you..its like a huge it to them if they can throw something unacceptable at you..and you still stay..wow what a buzz. They really are sick.

Lookonthesunnyside's picture

"So my answer to you based on

May 1, 2012 - 9:34pm — Lookonthesunnyside

"So my answer to you based on my experiences is that they play with you..its like a huge it to them if they can throw something unacceptable at you..and you still stay..wow what a buzz. They really are sick."

Yaaa...makes sense. He was PISSED I wouldnt forgive him and stay with him. Idiot. He truly thought I would take whatever crap he threw my way at that point.

Thanks snowy xo

Janie53's picture

Lookoutsunnyside

April 29, 2012 - 9:21pm — Janie53

Oh yes, he admitted it but blamed it all on the OW. She seduced him and he was confused and didn't know what true love was, but after being unfaithful to me, he learned the hard way. Never mind that he was married as well. He claimed he was a slow learner but knew now that I was his true love. He really thought I was going to buy it! Pathetic indeed!

Stay true!

eyeswideopen35's picture

mine finally admitted that he

April 29, 2012 - 9:08pm — eyeswideopen35

mine finally admitted that he cheated after monThs of me asking him everyday and him denying it. after we had split i ran into him and caught on a day he was really vulnerable and feeling sorry for himself! and he finally admitted it he said he just kissed her but that he had been forming an emotional connection with her for months, i think he told me to get sympathy he pulled the shame face and have me the whole I'm so sorry i fucked up and i just got so lost! he knew i was on to him and i wouldn't let up so yes he did crumble and finally admit it but justified his lying by saying that he knew i already knew cause i could feel him! he told me he is not interested in her and it was just a kiss but i found out a few weeks ago he is know seeing her. so at the end of the day even if they come clean its only half the truth! they still are lying, lies lies and more lies, he told me what he wanted me to know so id get of his back! and in some sick way he feels better that he was honest! you'll never know what the real truth is and you are probably better off. keep strong and focus on you, x o

Lookonthesunnyside's picture

Thanks for your reply

May 1, 2012 - 9:38pm — Lookonthesunnyside

Thanks for your reply eyeswideopen..

"at the end of the day even if they come clean its only half the truth! they still are lying, lies lies and more lies,"

I know, its true. Thats why I couldnt figure out why he would admit to anything, but ya they do it to appear remorseful and honest. When really they are anything but!

Im sure mine was emotionally cheating on me with this girl as well. He said to me after our breakup "maybe we did get too close". YA THINK? Ugh, assholes. Sorry you went through this as well.

<3

Lookonthesunnyside's picture

Thanks for your reply

May 1, 2012 - 9:37pm — Lookonthesunnyside

Thanks for your reply eyeswideopen..

"at the end of the day even if they come clean its only half the truth! they still are lying, lies lies and more lies,"

I know, its true. Thats why I couldnt figure out why he would admit to anything, but ya they do it to appear remorseful and honest. When really they are anything but!

Im sure mine was emotionally cheating on me with this girl as well. He said to me after our breakup "maybe we did get too close". YA THINK? Ugh, assholes. Sorry you went through this as well.

<3

Lookonthesunnyside's picture

Thanks for your reply

May 1, 2012 - 9:37pm — Lookonthesunnyside

Thanks for your reply eyeswideopen..

"at the end of the day even if they come clean its only half the truth! they still are lying, lies lies and more lies,"

I know, its true. Thats why I couldnt figure out why he would admit to anything, but ya they do it to appear remorseful and honest. When really they are anything but!

Im sure mine was emotionally cheating on me with this girl as well. He said to me after our breakup "maybe we did get too close". YA THINK? Ugh, assholes. Sorry you went through this as well.

<3

goldie's picture

They tell you to hurt you and they don't tell you to hurt you

April 29, 2012 - 7:03pm — goldie

I begged my X to tell me if he was cheating, the suspectiing and not being sure was driving me nuts. He knew this and he did not care. He told me nothing because he got off on watching me squirm. Your X told you this STORY to shut you up. You where on to him and he comes over acting all noble like he is telling you something and it is all crap.

Get one thing straight about a narc, they tell you NOTHING unless they are doing it with a motive in mind. They are liars and only tell you what they want you to know or what they want you to perceive.

He throws you a bone to keep you off the truth. A partial truth if even. I don't even buy this partial truth. That he "kissed" someone and did not remember until she told him and then he thought he was too PURE for this to have even happened and denied it again, come on, LOL. Really.

They are the great so called "masters" of the illusion. They create illusion and they set the stage for you to think exactly what they want you to think.

BOTTOM LINE: Does it work?

YES, it is working, you are STILL thinking about it and confused. Just where he wants you confused and questioning YOUR reality.

You know damn well he is lying, YET you are spending a beautiful Sunday afternoon wondering about it, so YES his game is working.

They do little without affect in mind. Keep them insecure, confused, and wondering, that is their stock and trade.

He would NOT be going to all this trouble if he were not cheating, he is creating smoke and mirrors. He most likely had sex with her and came up with this b.s story to keep you off his trail.

YES N's admit to cheating all the time IF and only IF it serves their purpose.

They mirror back to you what your biggest fears and weaknesses are. If you need to know in order to feel bad about yourself and stay with them they tell you and if by telling you they will NOT get what they want from you then the NEVER tell you.

Yours came up with this ridiculous story because he knew it would get your brain running and have you questioning what REALLY happened and this way he figures he can create doubt in you as to what actually happened.

They lie, manipulate, and play you. They are players.

Congrats on ending, thank God you do not have to listen to anymore of this fairy tale.

God bless,
Goldie

Lookonthesunnyside's picture

"He throws you a bone to keep

May 1, 2012 - 9:47pm — Lookonthesunnyside

"He throws you a bone to keep you off the truth. A partial truth if even. I don't even buy this partial truth. That he "kissed" someone and did not remember until she told him and then he thought he was too PURE for this to have even happened and denied it again, come on, LOL. Really."

I know, its a complete bullshit story. I always knew he wasnt telling me the whole truth (obviously), I guess its the anxiety over just how much worse it was that is driving me crazy.

I know it doesnt matter in the end and I need to let go of this need to get proof and to KNOW for sure what he did. I had I thought so I will keep working on it.

Im also FREAKING OUT that this monster of a person may have dragged something back to me and its making my anxiety soooo bad. Going to get tested tomorrow. Hopefully all is okay and that will loosen my preopccupation a bit in what his other sexual activities were...

Thanks goldie, you reaffirmed what I guess I knew dep down. It was never to be honest, or to "come clean". It was too manipulate. Too bad it was the final straw you idiot narcissist...

Deidre99's picture

deleted my comment...

April 29, 2012 - 7:04pm — Deidre99

deleted my comment...

Janie53's picture

Looking on the sunny side

April 29, 2012 - 6:35pm — Janie53

Sorry to be rude but none of this is relevant. He may have had 1000 motives for telling you such. Who cares? What you need to do is switch the focus to you and your recovery. That is the ONLY thing of importance!

Please, stay true to you and use your emotional energy to heal yourself!
xxxooo

Janie

ruby01's picture

Because everything out of their mouths is a lie

April 29, 2012 - 6:22pm — ruby01

There is no definitive answer to what happened or why he brought a letter he wrote and read it to you (That in itself is bizarre).

You will remain stuck if you continue to try to decipher certain incidents that of themselves are of no value in the big picture.

He's sick. You know that now. With this knowledge you no longer want him in your life, physically or mentally.

You are doing really well. Recovering from this is daunting at times, but you are a tough woman that is armed with the truth about this man.

Keep moving forward and focus on your life now, which he is fortunately out of.

xoxo,
Ruby

Lookonthesunnyside's picture

Thanks for your reply ruby.

May 1, 2012 - 9:49pm — Lookonthesunnyside

Thanks for your reply ruby.

I agree the letter thing is weird. I thought of it before as him being nervous and wanting to make sure he said everything he wanted to say. But it was probably because he couldnt remember all the detailed accounts (lies) of that night that he had thought up and needed to keep straight. IDIOT.

Harper03's picture

First of all, I think it is

April 29, 2012 - 6:05pm — Harper03

First of all, I think it is perfectly okay to "back peddle" and very common.

I have been in a similar situation. Him admitting to cheating, NEVER. But, if there was "evidence" that couldn't be disputed, he would come up with some bullsh*t story to get me off of his case and then when I would question it AGAIN, since nothing ever added up and I KNEW there was more to the story, he would tell me I already told you. And of course everyone else were liars or the girls were crazy.

One of the girls who he supposedly cheated on me with (he said she just came over to his friend's once and they just say there... LIES) was texting him for "advice" also.

This is one of a few stories like this. Hard telling how many more there are that we do not know about.

Lookonthesunnyside's picture

Thanks harper. Sorry you went

May 1, 2012 - 9:51pm — Lookonthesunnyside

Thanks harper. Sorry you went through something similar with your ex. Its so disorienting, its awful. Thank god we dont have to hear any more of their lies. (Just get over trying to make sense of the old ones...sigh)

Harper03's picture

Disorienting is right. They

May 2, 2012 - 7:26am — Harper03

Disorienting is right. They are heartless... :/

Brit's picture

Why

April 29, 2012 - 6:02pm — Brit

To understand exactly all the why's would make our lives so much easier, but to understand all of their loony babble is impossible.

He certainly had a motive in telling you this and it's obvious from what we know that his reasons were selfish ones. So let's guess that it would make him get something or make him look good.

Therefore 1. He gets you jealous b/c someone else wants him or 2. He is a good guy who didn't do anything major and was drunk and had no control but still behaved and is totally honest too b/c he has told you . " Can't you see I am a saint ? "

It's just wrong on all levels.

Don't let this mind gamester haunt you. You know what he is. Damaged and disordered.

A snake is a snake.

Brit x

Lookonthesunnyside's picture

"He is a good guy who didn't

May 1, 2012 - 9:54pm — Lookonthesunnyside

"He is a good guy who didn't do anything major and was drunk and had no control but still behaved and is totally honest too b/c he has told you . " Can't you see I am a saint ?"

Yep, totally. He said to me "when I saw the text where she told me we had made out, I immediately felt nauseous". UUMMMM, SURE YA DID! You probably heard that in a movie and thought hmm, I should use that, that's good.

Thanks brit. I know I need to stop trying to make sense of his madness...