SURVIVOR1111's Story

Surviving

Hi all,

as most of you here know its a long journey with a shaky beginning but definitely no end! SORRY THIS IS LONG BUT NECESSARY TO EXPLAIN MY ORDEAL~

i met my N online while going through a separation after 20 years of marriage! my husband was not an N in fact he was normal but our course had run. after taking a year off and getting to know myself a friend recommended Match.Com. i joined for a free 72 hours and on the last hour i received a wink! i responded that my free trial was up but gave him my e-mail address. not sure why but something about him drew me in. he responded with "hi my name is Dave, regards! i think his short intro intrigued me. anyway, we chatted and after 4 days we met. i remember so vividly walking into Chili's and thinking wow! he was different and actually my son who viewed his profile said "mom he looks like a serial killer"..lol.. actually, he was 6'5" and very manly; something i was never attracted to. so we met and i remember the whole first date he never stopped talking about what a clean house he kept (i would later find out that he was OCD as well). i thought it odd but later he talked me into going to see for myself. well i did and it was clean! he and i talked and laughed and then he tried to get me to have sex. i was so dissapointed because it seemed thats all every man wanted wnen they met me. i cried and told him sure lets have sex and then you will never call me again. he said no lets wait i like you! so i left impressed yet expecting to never hear from him again but i was wrong..oh so wrong! that was almost 5 years ago and today i sit here wondering what the hell i got myself into.

we ended up getting together a few days later and he seemed like a dream. we continued seeing each other every few days for about 3 weeks and then he sent me an email. he said "i like you but i think we are too different so i think it best we not see each other anymore". (REMEMBER THIS IS A MAN WHO HAD MY PHONE NUMBER BUT BROKE UP VIA EMAIL..RED FLAG) i was crushed. so i responded and said im sorry you feel that way but i understand. time went by and then he called me and asked to see me. i agreed and we had a wonderful time and yes finally were intimate. (and yes the sex was mind blowing). during that time i told him about my marriage and what was missing. i told him that i loved my husband so much but always felt like i wasn't his friend. i felt last in his life. well let me tell you that was the beginning of the end. once Dave knew i needed my man to be my friend first he set out to make sure that i knew he was MY FRIEND FIRST. he also set out to be sure i would need that friendship above all else.

once in the dating phase, he constantly made me feel like a queen but somehow made me feel inferior at the same time. he would tell me that he needed me 100% of the time and that he felt i couldn't give that to him. i tried and suddenly found myself giving up my friends, family and even times with my son. i felt this need to please him. we met on 10/10/07. by thanksgiving i was hooked yet he told me he wouldn't be available for the holiday. i was perplexed given his assertion that we were exclusive. then came X-mas (he is Jewish btw) and nothing. then new years and nothing. he seemed to disappear ever holiday. i wanted to give up but he would always come back around. i wondered to myself why i was doing this; it wasn't in my nature and i had plenty of other men interested...but there was something about my N that kept me hanging in there! fast forward to Valentine's day...he asked me over and showed no affection (btw: he always showed no affection unless it was sexual and that was always on his terms) we actually sat on his couch and he put PORN on the television. i was shocked and hurt and said i needed to leave. he assured me it was no big deal...WRONG! following that valentine's night he broke up with me again stating "i need a woman with a backbone and i think you need to spread your wings". i agreed but in my gut i felt this need to please this total stranger..so goes the wicked poison of an N/Sociopath at work.

at this point i felt totally insecure and started questioning every aspect of myself. i was 43, attractive, owned a home, several investment properties, a boat, camper, summer home, held an important position in law, basically had life figured out yet this man made me question everything. he told me what to wear, how to wear my hair, no make up, no high heels, etc., etc., he told me i looked like a whore when i would come over yet that is what he said he loved about me. in my mind i never looked like a whore in fact i had always been told i was classy! that is when he showed that he suffers from the Madonna Whore Complex. but i don't need to explain that to the rest of you.

so time went on and he contacted me again and we somehow got into a lasting relationship..well kind of.. this is when he started with the disappearing act! yes every month or so i would get the silent treatment and disappearing act yet i stayed with him. i knew something was wrong but he had convinced me that "he just needed time".

by the following September he was determined for my divorce to be final. he sent me a text one day and asked what i was doing? i said working how about you? he replied "im building my future wife's ring" i was shocked! he then text me saying "GET A DIVORCE NOW OR ITS OVER". i was somehow flattered but frightened! needless to say i finalized my divorce on 10/11/08 (almost a year after we met) and he surpised me with a trip to Vegas where he proposed to me. the only problem was the trip was a disaster and he was sullen and miserable the whole time and no there were no fire works... in fact he never kissed me or showed any affection at all (CLASSIC WITHHOLDING OF AFFECTION). he gave me the ring and seemed like it was a chore. i was horrified but somehow stuck in there until we returned home. i will never foget that awful feeling ror the rest of my life.

once home he wanted to know all of my finances and exactly WHAT I WAS WORTH! i guess somehow i felt that if we were to be married he had a right to know. remember though i knew anything about him or his finances. this was a one way street for sure. so once i showed him my financial situation following my divorce (my husband made out very well and this is another story altogether) he told me he couldn't be with a woman that had financial obligations to an ex-husband! i told him all along that my divorce would be costly to me but he told me don't worry we will build our future together.LIES LIES LIES. well needless to say he ended our engagement and literally ripped the ring off my finger; so violently in fact he broke my finger. i was crushed and for the first time saw how dangerous he could be.

fast forward to 4/09.. he text me and said he missed me and was sorry and needed to see me. i didn't want to see him but felt like a victim and had unresolved issued so i agreed. the next few months he worked overtime to make up for his bad behavior and i fell for it. he told me i was the only one for him and that he would make it up to me. well he stayed true to his word for about 2 months and then he contacted me one day and said he wanted to finally move into together. i felt good and thought things were fine and agreed. i made arrangements for my moving day and my son and his girlfriend helped with the packing and everything was a go. only problem i couldn't reach him on my moving day. after giving up i was forced to put my things in storage and stay at a hotel. he called me a week later and told me he wasn't sure and apologized. i was devastated and swore i would never talk with him again. some time passed and i found a place and moved and hoped he would never call again. well he DID. then he told me that he signed a new lease and that because i didn't move in with him he was forced to break the lease and move back in with his mother and that he faced financial retribution from the leasing company and that i was responsible. i was baffled but felt responsible. crazy i know.

about his mother. wow i must say that the relationship he had with his mother was unbearable. she being a jewish mother and he being the ultimate jewish son! the way they interacted was beyond comprehension. he would tell her to fuck off every time she called yet he called her 10 times a day. it always concerned me but i thought maybe it was a normal dynamic in a jewish household..atleast that is what he told me. boy was i wrong! their relationship was so dysfunctional and that of his entire family was. this is something i never encountered before either. my life was normal as far as friends and family were concerned so i never could grasp their connection. another thing that i should mention is that given our time together i never met one of his friends or family members (NOT ONE). he had met all of mine but of course hated all of them...go figure. he would tell me he only had acquantinces and that they "weren't worth knowing"..i know now that is a classic sign of an N/Sociopath. he probably had many women in the wings and for me to know him, his family or friends would be detrimental to his lies.

ok..once i got my head on straight i refused to see him for a long time, however, he contacted me one day to tell me that an old girlfriend was suing him and he needed legal advise. i agreed to talk with him but he insisted that i come to his mothers house. he stated that i had some things there that he had packed when he left his apartment and had brought with him. he told me that they were having a formal dinner for one of the jewish holidays and that his family wanted to meet me. so i agreed. once there, i asked where his family was and he said they had gone out to dinner and he stayed to meet with me. it was weird. he then told me about this woman he met online right before he met me and that she had given him $10k and now she was saying it was a loan, etc. i went into lawyer mode and started to ask questions and that is when it happened!. he started to get very excited and telling me i ruined his life and i was going to pay.. he lunged forward and attacked me. he punched me in my face, threw me to the ground and drug me from one end of the house to the other by my hair all along telling me what a bitch and whore i was and that i ruined his life! i finally broke free and ran outside but he caught up to me and managed to rip the necklace off my neck-the necklace that he had bought that was expensive and that he wanted back-which i believe to this day he knew i would be wearing. once outside, his neighbor who heard me screaming had already called 911. the police came and he was arrested and sent to jail.

once in jail (which was 5/26/10) i was flooded with calls from many different agencies and i obtained a "no contact order". it wasn't an hour after he was released that he started texting me telling me how sorry he was and that he was sorry and that i needed to "drop the charges". you have to know this wasn't the first time he assaulted me even if it wasn't very serious he had always been aggressive. i told him that i couldn't drop the charges and that his neighbor called 911 and the State wanted to prosecute him. needless to say for the next 4 months he harrassed me and tried to bully me but i resisted. he was initially represented by a public defender but once the court realized he lied about his financial status he was forced to either hire an attorney or represent himeself. he chose to represent himself! i was forced to go to court for every hearing and face this monster. it was taxing and grueling and honestly i couldnt deal with it anymore. i was going through therapy through the State as well as seeing a hair specialist (i need to mention that he pulled out more then 30% of my hair so hard, by the root, that after 5 months i had absolutely no growth, not even peach fuzz)..my hair was permanently damaged. i had to wear hats and disguise the fact that half of my head was bald. i can't describe the terror i felt to see him in the courtroom.

following his trial, he was given the maximum sentence and forced to spend time in jail, a year of probation, 500 hours of community service, and 52 weeks of anger management. i kept my "no contact order" current and pursued suing him civily. it was then that i found out just how many women were suing him. just shocking... in any event, he continued to contact me and tell me "you haven't seen evil yet" and "your going to die", etc. i was instructed by my lawyer and police to buy a gun. then just like it started it ended... I NEVER HEARD FROM the "N" AGAIN!. it was wonderful my N was gone. well not quite.

fast forward to 7/11... i received a text from the N.. still not sure how he got my number other then maybe though FB (and ladies its imperative you delete your FB if you truly want to be free)... he told me "i hope your move goes well".. i was shocked and horrified because i was moving to free myself from the nightmare. somehow he knew every move i was making. long story short and because it had been almost a year and he did finish his sentence and probation i somehow felt the need to talk with him...afterall i had always held onto some form of guilt that he had suffered so much... I KNOW WHAT A LOSER I AM BUT LADIES LETS FACE IT THESE GUYS HOLD US IN THEIR GRIP... at this time he informed me that he had CANCER.. i was horrified and felt awful and he begged to see me.

THE FINAL CHAPTER:

everyone has to understand the grip that these "N"s have on us. my family didn't, my friends didn't, no one did...but in all the time apart i never met another man that measured up to the illusion of my "N". i was going through therapy and building a new life and making amends to those people who just couldn't handle me and my non-stop feelings for what they coined "The Monster G"... i was lost and alone for so long that when i finally moved into my new place i was happy and secure for the first time in years! i was free. so when the N contacted me and said he wanted to talk and make amends i felt it would be good for both of us so we could both move on... I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG!

once i agreed to see him he came to my new place. it was different somehow as i didn't really feel those butterflys when i saw him..somehow i felt indifferent for the first time. i believe he knew this and that is when he went into overdrive. once at my new place, he started bringing up old memories and telling me that once diagnosed with Cancer and having gone through anger management that he was in a "new place" in his life and that he realized how much heartached he brought to me and my family. he told me about his childhood and how he suffered and his father's death when he was 15 and being a convicted felon (no ladied i did not know he was a convicted fellon and did 3 years in prison) and how all of these things made his life crazy and how i had been the one woman to make a diffeence!... SO NOT TRUE...

so after talking and being friendly for a couple of months he informed me that he needed to get away from his mother and asked if he could move in with me. i know, i know, i know... but i asked some serious questions and got serious answers for the first time ever...he introduced me to his friends and family and we were actually having FUN!.. SO I SAID YES!

he moved in on 11/11/11 and moved out on 2/1/12.. those few months were hell! during the time he lived with me i told him that i would not put up with anything from him (this included no on-line profiles, which btw: he would always go on-line to bully me, no late nights on the computer, no porn, no secrets, etc., it didn't make a difference as he still lied constantly, withheld sex (actually we never had sex once in the time that we were back together from 7/1-2/12)..would not allow me to be his friend on FB, etc., he always said he had no sex drive..LIES, and basically was worse then ever. he started telling me he regretted getting back together with me and that i was a psycho bitch, etc. the final straw was strange and went like this:

he text me at work near the end and told me his mother was sick and that he was going to her town to see her and that he wasn't sure when he would be back. i text him back and said "CALL ME".. he never would call me... anyway, he calle and i said no problem just let me know. well he showed back up at home around 9pm and was acting like nothing happened. he then asked me to call his mom and check on her (something he never asked me to do before). his mom was weird on the phone and asked if i was "trying to trick her".. i was like WTH.. anyway, i hung up and told him what she said and he lost it on me.. he then left and i didn't hear from him for two days. finally he text me and said he was moving out and that he was brining the police to be sure i didn't do anything stupid!..

while he was moving out, the police stood in my living room telling me i had no rights and he just never stopped running his mouth about what a psycho i was and that he needed protection from me., etc., i was so frightened.. i called my son who came over ready to kill this man who he hated with all his heart but who he accepted back into his mother's life because he wanted to believe like the rest of us that this N had changed... needless to say, he ended up stealing all of my jewelry; yes while the cops were holding me downstairs!.. and when he walked out told me...

I HOPE YOU GET ARRESTED SO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS...I ONLY CAME BACK TO GET REVENGE!...

i can't tell you how much it hurt and how disgusted i was with myself to have believed this crazy N and that he had healed and was different...they never change...they are evil to the core...they only seek revenge for having had their MASK removed and they won't stop until they feel justified...

please ladies don't make the mistakes i have made...know in your heart it was never real...none of it... and MOVE ON AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

ALL HE BEST AND SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY BUT THAT REALLY IS THE SHORT VERSION...TRUST ME!

GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!

LAURA MAE