My mind is trapped

My mind is trapped
Posted April 29, 2012 - 8:20am
0

It's been just over a month since my exN ended our engagement over the phone. Every morning I wake up thinking about the good times. Since our engagement was only a few months before he ended it, my mind feels "trapped" in that memory of our engagement trip and how sincere and happy he seemed. It is causing even more sadness, confusion, etc. I have to literally, everyday, read about N's and replay the bad, like the way he ended things, among EVERYTHING else. The problem is he was so charming and so subtle in his manipulation and "abuse tactics" (although those are becoming more clear to me and they weren't so "subtle")... He was literally one way with me and another person when I wasn't around, it seemed.

Does anybody have any advice? Why am I having such a hard time connecting the dots in my head?

‹ Does this qualify as the "silent" treatment? Here's an excellent example of a malignant narsissist.. ›
nomoredenial's picture

This is a good article

April 29, 2012 - 12:53pm — nomoredenial

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/07/29/a-painful-increduli...

Hunter's picture

Watch this

April 29, 2012 - 9:06am — Hunter

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=W5mbldTkruM&feature=share

It's not how you start it's how you finish..

Hunter

Harper03's picture

That was truly inspiring and

April 29, 2012 - 9:48am — Harper03

That was truly inspiring and such a sad but beautiful story. It really does put things into perspective. Thank you for that. It brought tears to my eyes.

abreva's picture

Be Grateful

April 29, 2012 - 8:50am — abreva

Just read some of our posts -- the posts of women who married these monsters -- and even worse, had children with them.

Perhaps that will help you get perspective.

You are a lucky woman. Better that he discarded you during the engagement, than after marriage, when your home/money/life/children were intertwined.

I know that it hurts. I had relationships with various N's before the EXNH-Psychopath. For YEARS I reeled over the way the last significant N dumped me. There is something about that sudden shock, that burns them in your mind even deeper. So, I'm sorry for that pain.

HOWEVER, you are incredibly lucky to be free -- I know it doesn't feel like freedom, but it is. I know it doesn't feel like a gift - but it is a huge gift.

Be warned, from everything I've read here, he will hoover you and suck you back in. You will be even more pliable and vulnerable than before - from the "damage" he has done to you. BE STRONG. READ. LEARN. And you will have a life that is free from these monsters.

Here's some of the issues I am dealing with, months after the custody settlement and divorce. BE GRATEFUL.

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/04/27/stress-exnhpsychoaths-way-try...

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/04/23/lure-nw-my-replacement

Harper03's picture

Thank you for your post. I am

April 29, 2012 - 9:51am — Harper03

Thank you for your post. I am truly sorry for what you are going through. You are so strong!

I do feel lucky, but it is hard. It is more than the engagement. For years he has played with my mind. The engagement to me was a promise he actually was going to keep. Before the engagement I had three unsuccessful pregnancies, two he was there for me in body, but not emotionally. One of them he was NOT there for me at all... He knew I was sad and desperately wanting a child. He would tell me we would start trying soon, then he would tell me we had to wait for a few more years... Then he would start the cycle all over again.

He was BARELY there through family and friends deaths, often bailing on me to party and cheat. He actually told me he couldn't be there for me every time I cried.

I was with him through all of the moves through his athletic career and then him furthering his schooling... More than once kicking me out leaving me to rebuild my life, then changing his mind anywhere from 2-6 months down the road.

I dealt with his partying and excessive drinking for the first few years and his bizarre, uncontrollable behavior since I was always worried about him. This is AFTER his stint in rehab. I felt like the babysitter. I was always thrown in dangerous, undesirable situations just to be there since I was worried about his wellbeing, I couldn't stand him ignoring me AND I didn't want him to cheat and/or flirt.

He was fully capable of helping me pay, but somehow I couldn't tell him no and because of that I was in tens of thousands of dollars in debt that I paid off all myself.

I could go on and on with the emotional and mental abuse. Everyone could...

So the engagement and that beautiful trip we had to me symbolized a change in him... A fresh start... That he really loved and appreciated the emotional and physical pain I have went through. It was not about the fairytale of the wedding or the beautiful ring. I wanted to marry him because I LOVED him so much I thought he finally was "over" his behavior. He led me on up until the day he ended things. Still playing on my dreams and my wants in life with babies and him being faithful.

I do try and put things in perspective by reading other people's stories. It does help. But, there is so much emotional things I have went through with deaths, miscarriages, tubal pregnancy etc that I didn't allow myself to grieve properly because his needs were first and now all of those things are resurfacing now.

Thank you for your help. And it does help. I hope I come out strong like you!

Layla's picture

Cognitive Dissonance

April 29, 2012 - 8:25am — Layla

From Lisa:

http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/12/07/cognitive-dissonance-leads-obsessiv...

love~ Layla

Harper03's picture

Thanks for the post! Many

April 29, 2012 - 8:38am — Harper03

Thanks for the post!

Many hugs...