I can't forgive

I can't forgive
Posted April 29, 2012 - 3:55am
0

I was brought up in an amazing Christian home, always full of people from church and such a loving place. My parents were great but really wrapped me in cotton wool and so when I stepped out into the real world at seventeen, it was a real shock to me that people weren't all lovely and I had a hard time adjusting to that. I think that's still the way I am really, I still am amazed when people are cruel, mean to others and are so so selfish. My counsellor told me that this is one of the reasons I was perfect for the narc. I rarely see the bad in people and still get walked all over, but believe me , I'm trying to change this every day now and some people are really not liking the new me. I say no to people a lot more now and only do what I want to do, and people I have known for years who I know used to take advantage of my nature , are really finding it hard. I actually don't care as much anymore . I know I am a good person and if they don't like me then so what??
Anyway this post was going to be about forgiveness and I've started rambling .....
The thing is that I was brought up to forgive , really forgive people for what they have done and generally I do but with him I can't. I just can't forgive what he did and said to me. It runs round my head all the time and I often stop in disbelief when memories suddenly come back to me. I can't forgive him at all and does that mean that I will never completely heal from this?? An I stuck in this horrible place forever or will I eventually let it go? I want to so much and I have been NC for months and yes, I have bad days but mostly I am happy with my boys and my friends.
I miss the man I met 5 years ago, I know he wasn't real but I miss him and I hate that I do.
This is all so unreal and unfair.
Feeling sorry for myself today. I need to stop this now , it's not doing me any good.
Hope everyone is doing ok this morning - sorry I sound like such a miserable pain in the bum today.

‹ stages of grief from a psychopathic relationship. PEACE WITH NC! ›
Movingforwardnow's picture

Don't beat yourself up for that.....

April 30, 2012 - 6:12pm — Movingforwardnow

Why add that to the stress and pressure of coming out of a relationsick with these disordered freaks.

Forgive yourself. During the weekly group calls I participated in we actually wrote a forgivness letter to ourselves. That assignment was very hard for me. Harder then a good bye letter or writing my story. Forgiving myself was/is very hard but I am worth that forgivness and well he is not. I understand being raised in a Christian home and we are taught to forgive but nowhere does it say we have to forgive the DEVIL. I think as time passes and we forgive ourselves and really arrive on the other side of this mess we will reach a point of indifference which I am gonna chalk up as forgivness....if and when I get there.

You are doing great. Take care of you and those wonderful boys. I loved chatting with you the other day. It was fantastic and we have to arrange to do it again. You are beautiful, strong and a great mom.

love you!
xoxoxo

dudette's picture

then don't

April 30, 2012 - 10:53am — dudette

Nobody will judge you for not forgiving him and it feels to me that this is causing you pressure and stress that you do not need.

I sort of have and sort of haven't with mine. More like I no longer give a Sh**t....and neither does he so really is it a big deal? not really...

Focus on YOU and what's good for YOU. Stuff him.

Forgiving him will not turn the toad into grateful prince charming all of a sudden you know, a forgiven toad is still a toad....and will always be...

Lots of love x

janemarie's picture

I know that I will NEVER be

April 29, 2012 - 10:44am — janemarie

I know that I will NEVER be able to forgive either of them...

And like you, I was under the impression that in order to heal we HAD to forgive (so thank you Sparrow for clearing that up)

I am beginning to ACCEPT what they did, NOT forgive. I cant change what they did and who they are but I have to learn to accept that it happened.....and if anything...it made me less of a door mat to people. Just like you...I too was a people pleaser who always saw good in everyone...I always gave them the benefit of the doubt and I never said NO to anyone...I now see that this way of life is not a healthy one and I too am beginning to change this.

Im not completely there, so when someone is disappointed in me for NOT doing what they are asking, it is sometimes hard for me not to feel bad about it..Im trying to learn to feel good about myself in every decision I make, and as long as I am happy about it then that should be good enough..

Ive learned thats its ok for my life to be about ME for once...as long as Im not hurting others and my heart is always in the right place then that should be a good change that I make in my life.

Time will create this for me as it will for you. We just have to be patient and continue to do the work.

xoxo

Janie53's picture

JM

April 29, 2012 - 11:13am — Janie53

I like your perspective...
Stay true!

xoxoxox
Janie

Dee30's picture

I struggle with the same thing

April 29, 2012 - 9:51am — Dee30

I grew up in a 'Christian' home, also. My father is a narc. We prayed a lot through prayer meetings. As we kids are all grown up now, there are a few of us that are still very religious and will gather us for prayer meetings. My exhusband is a narcissist as well as my exbf. My family arranged my marriage. I Have 3 kids from ex husband. He is a pedophile, and a deadbeat father that doesn't support his kids. My exbf next, psychologically damaged me. My family is dysfunctional but we were taught to forgive. I really struggle with this because a lot of bad things happened to me by people that did it purposely for their sheer joy, they are sadistic. When the family preached forgiveness. I felt bad because I everyone was just supposed to forgive and forget all atrocities. I think I realized by myself, as a victim of 3 narcs (father, exhusband and exbf) that I don't need to push forgiveness. I rather try to forget. If forgiveness comes it comes. I thought I forgave my exbf at one point but the anger came back after a while for the utter unjust things he did to me. Just focus on you. You are a good person and do not blame yourself for not forgiving because again as a victim you will self blame and I think we all have been blamed for everything by the Ns, this will slow down healing and produce shame. I rather forget thin at this point than focus on forgiving.

c_jennings's picture

Forgiveness...

April 29, 2012 - 9:34am — c_jennings

isnt for him its your gift to yourself....you dont have to forget what he did or the deception but forgive the situation or yourself or the fact that he is who he is and has no ability to change...you were sucked in by the facade like we all were....

Sparrow's picture

Please don't beat yourself up

April 29, 2012 - 8:56am — Sparrow

Please don't beat yourself up over the fact that you can't forgive him. You don't have to forgive him in order to heal. No one expects you to.

Know that in time, you will find peace again and you will come out of this whole. It doesn't seem like it at times, but you will.

Hang in there, enjoy your day with your boys and remain strong.

One day at a time is all you can expect of yourself.

Hugs.

Janie53's picture

Healing slowly

April 29, 2012 - 8:44am — Janie53

Sorry you are having such a rough day. I am from an interfaith marriage and was raised without any religious guidance. My own moral compass is my guide and I am a very forgiving person. We are human and all make mistakes and most importantly, most of us accept responsibility for our actions.

Narcissists never take any responsibilty for their actions and instead turn it around like we have done something wrong. Forgiving him, to me, is condoning his sick and selfish behaviors. Narcissists know very well the difference between right and wrong. This is why they lie so much. They know EXACTLY what they are doing; no temporary insanity here. How can you forgive someone who thinks he has done no wrong? In my book, there is no one to forgive but myself.

Stay true to you!
xoxoxo
Janie

Trainwreck56's picture

I was brought up Catholic

April 29, 2012 - 9:05am — Trainwreck56

and to always forgive people, also very altruistic, still
am to a great degree, always looking for the good in people.

Which made us prime fodder for a NARC OR PSYCHOPATH.

Forgiveness is not in the cards for me, NEVER ONCE DID HE ASK ME TO FORGIVE HIM FOR HIS TERRIBLE ACTIONS! I DID THOUGH.

He said to me towards the end you are a very forgiving person, to him that was his cue that he could always treat
me like dirt and i would forgive him, he considered this
a weakness most likely, and used it against me!

Forgive, NO WAY!

FORGET HIM YES!

TW

Janie53's picture

TW

April 29, 2012 - 9:34am — Janie53

Well said!

Trainwreck56's picture

TX JANIE!

April 29, 2012 - 1:56pm — Trainwreck56

FORGIVE HIM FOR BEING AN ABUSIVE MANIPULATOR THAT ALMOST DESTROYED ME....NEVER!

FORGIVE MYSELF! YOU BETCHA!

NCNCNC

TW

sweetpeasarah's picture

Hi hun

April 29, 2012 - 4:13am — sweetpeasarah

dont apologise for feeling down...we all have days like that..in fact im like it today too!
I miss my ex too..well the man he was in the beginning, although im must better now 2+ month's NC, i still cannot beleive how anyone can be so heartless. I understand fully that this is their disorder but it still hurts. I really did think at one point me an him were forever. As to forgiveness? i wont forgivehim either, i think all we can do is accept that we will forget one day, and let it go. Anyway, in my opinion, rightly or wrongly, i dont think they DESERVE forgiveness. Sadly, there just are some people in life that create so much hurt and distruction that forgiveness is all but impossible.
Dont beat yourself up hun, just strive for the day when he is just a distant memory.
Hugs
x