I was brought up in an amazing Christian home, always full of people from church and such a loving place. My parents were great but really wrapped me in cotton wool and so when I stepped out into the real world at seventeen, it was a real shock to me that people weren't all lovely and I had a hard time adjusting to that. I think that's still the way I am really, I still am amazed when people are cruel, mean to others and are so so selfish. My counsellor told me that this is one of the reasons I was perfect for the narc. I rarely see the bad in people and still get walked all over, but believe me , I'm trying to change this every day now and some people are really not liking the new me. I say no to people a lot more now and only do what I want to do, and people I have known for years who I know used to take advantage of my nature , are really finding it hard. I actually don't care as much anymore . I know I am a good person and if they don't like me then so what??
Anyway this post was going to be about forgiveness and I've started rambling .....
The thing is that I was brought up to forgive , really forgive people for what they have done and generally I do but with him I can't. I just can't forgive what he did and said to me. It runs round my head all the time and I often stop in disbelief when memories suddenly come back to me. I can't forgive him at all and does that mean that I will never completely heal from this?? An I stuck in this horrible place forever or will I eventually let it go? I want to so much and I have been NC for months and yes, I have bad days but mostly I am happy with my boys and my friends.
I miss the man I met 5 years ago, I know he wasn't real but I miss him and I hate that I do.
This is all so unreal and unfair.
Feeling sorry for myself today. I need to stop this now , it's not doing me any good.
Hope everyone is doing ok this morning - sorry I sound like such a miserable pain in the bum today.