He contacted me..arg...I didn't want him to, please help

lavendar19

Member since:
3 years 6 weeks

Last activity:
40 weeks 6 days

Posted April 29, 2012 - 10:24pm

I knew this guy would be back:( But I was really really hoping he would just disappear. I would not care at all if he never contacted me, but when they do contact it becomes so difficult to step away, I'm sure u ladies know the feeling all too well...the incredibly skilled and selfish narc makes it sound like if we don't reply, we're the bad guys.

I went through a lot with this guy. We're both relatively young in grad school and I always had hope he would change. I know he never will. He for sure has NPD if not coupled with psychopathy. I don't love him anymore, I have an amazing boyfriend whom I love very much...but why do I feel the need to justify this? (see below for the message, I'm not sure how to erase topic posts but replies I can erase, just in case I get paranoid lol)

Don't Reply

April 30, 2012 - 8:03am — agnesmurphy17

Delete the message & block him. The e-mail he sent is highly manipulative & a total classic. Every woman involved with a N receives this same e-mail. "WHY DON'T YOU RESPOND? YOU IGNORED MY CALL. I DON'T BLAME YOU." The manipulation lies in, "nice & polite women" respond to e-mails & phone messages. If you don't respond, you are not nice & polite. And, "I don't blame you" is a hook -- maybe he's realized that he hurt me? Maybe he misses me? Maybe he regrets & will come back new & improved & wonderful as the Prodigal Son did in the Bible.

NOPE. He's fishing. Hoovering. Sucking you back in because life ain't too good where he is now. For lack of a better option, he's come knocking at your door to recharge his fuel packs. Once he's in top form & secure that he's got you back under hsi control, the same old fun & games (abuses) will begin again. But this time even harsher & more extreme. He kept you under control the first time with his abuse, so he escalates to keep you more under control. And, everytime they are taken back & forgiven, they have less respect for the woman. Why should he respect a woman who allows a man to treat her badly?

FInally. Graduate school is totally chocked full of narcissistic men. Especially the humanities. And many professional schools (law/medicine/business) as well.

Loved your post, thanks

April 30, 2012 - 12:52pm — lavendar19

Loved your post, thanks agnes. "Maybe he regrets & will come back new & improved & wonderful as the Prodigal Son did in the Bible" I definitely smiled here, lol. You were right on when you said he's pulling the nice and polite woman hook...he knows that I cannot stand being rude to anyone. What he doesn't know is that 'anyone' doesn't include him:)
I'm feeling much better today and after blocking him and reading your guys' posts and amazing words of wisdom, I'm feeling back to normal again. Back to living a great life with no abuse, blackmail and manipulation...can't believe I even considered replying to the arse.

Lavendar

April 30, 2012 - 7:47am — Janie53

Shake it off! No Contact is the only way. Do not open the can of worms. I would also recommend re-reading about NPD in order to keep you in check.

Stay true to you!
Janie

Thanks Janie:) I will re-read

April 30, 2012 - 1:26pm — lavendar19

Thanks Janie:) I will re-read some of Dr. Vaknin's stuff and also a few sites I've bookmarked, it's a great way to remember who they are.
Cheers

How was he able to contact

April 30, 2012 - 2:39am — midnight7

How was he able to contact you? NC means no contact ever again - we put in place everything we can to ensure a N has great difficulty in ever reaching us and we never check up on them again either. Change all numbers/emails, block from the new, drop all mutual contacts, ensure family/friends do not discuss or pass on your details - it isn't difficult. Many do not go complete NC in the hope that the xN will make contact that this will 'mean' something. It doesn't a hoover is not a compliment it means the xN is low on supply and thinks we are silly enough to take the bait whether we do or not.

I got a new email for my

April 30, 2012 - 3:26am — lavendar19

I got a new email for my faculty at grad school, I have no idea how we was able to get a hold of it, I didn't even bother blocking his email because I was almost 100% sure he wouldn't be able to find this particular method of contact. I deactivated my Facebook and just didn't pick up his call (hard for me to change my number because I'd have to distribute it to everyone), but you are completely right...it was carelessness on my part and I should have blocked him regardless.

I wish I could hug you. Thank you for posting this. He is low on supply and is hoping I will fall for it. That makes me feel so much better now and I can go to bed without it bothering me and feeling guilty. I'll also read my list of "crap the exN has done to me" that I wrote 2 years ago, remembering who he is always helps me ignore a hoover, but you ladies help more than anything...thank you

I love midnight's advice, and

April 30, 2012 - 8:26am — Deidre99

I love midnight's advice, and also lavendar. Since you say you have someone in your life now who from the sounds of it, sounds quite special, communicating with your past ex, would be disrespectful to your new guy. Like you wouldn't want him communicating with ex gf's...so, lifewise, that could be something to think about if tempted to reply to this guy's hoovering attempts.

I am so happy for you that you have found a good guy who seems to care about you, now. Onward upward and be well. ((hugs))

((hugs)) Thanks lovely

April 30, 2012 - 1:24pm — lavendar19

((hugs)) Thanks lovely Dee.
You're absolutely right and just envisioning losing my boyfriend because of narc sends chills down my spine. Not to mention how disrespectful it would be if exN and I made contact, seeing as how patient this man has been with me and has put up with my crazy ups and downs for the past year (if someone was watching this relationship, I swear they would think I was a narc! Lol:(
I'm happy too..because to be honest I was always skeptical about dating after being with exN and thought I could never feel the same way about another guy again.
Thanks again D<3

Dear lavendar19, I get a

April 30, 2012 - 5:10am — midnight7

Dear lavendar19, I get a little tough at times as we all spent so long stuck in a moment with these monstrous people that I long for everyone just to take that step towards their new free life, learn from the experience, gain knowledge/insight, embrace change, get a big smile on their faces again, oh and live, really live, put it all behind in the past where it belongs. Ns never believe a relationship is over (their sense of entitlement) - how could we possibly not want to be with/see them/have sex with them after 10 years (lol) so they will inevitably pop up from time to time to have a punt/see if they can still control us. We won't care one bit however, we won't even notice :)

You're completely right. I

April 30, 2012 - 1:06pm — lavendar19

You're completely right. I didn't even notice.. ;) (well, you ladies know otherwise but he will never know).
I know that if I ever began to speak with him again, the dominant feelings of failure (not to mention the abuse all over again) would definitely drive me to depression and therapy again. I have gone through so much to be in the mental state that I'm in today and giving all of that up and going back to level 1 sounds completely nightmarish to me.
And to think I wanted to be polite and thank him for the message LOL...yeah, thanks for 5 years of depression narc!
It's scary though, I mean it scared me anyway, that for a few moments I actually thought of responding. I thought I was much stronger than that, luckily I can work on that

Feel free to ignore my

April 29, 2012 - 10:26pm — lavendar19

Feel free to ignore my commentary on the message, lol.

He said hey, I called a few weeks ago but you didn't answer which is perfectly understandable. (such an understanding man, this one.)
just wanted to see how you are, no need to be alarmed:) how was this semester for you? you don't have to reply if you don't want to, I just want us to be on good terms rather than bad.

WELL HOW CAN I TRAIN MY BRAIN NOT TO REPLY NOW?! To someone who just wants to see how I'm doing??
WHYYYYYYYYY:(

Edit: Wow I've been a member for 1 year and 51 weeks..lol..this for sure means I need to keep up no contact, it would be a total shame if I didn't. My mind's telling me not to reply, but my heart's saying 'oh he's just seeing how you are'..NO HEART, HE IS NOT JUST SEEING HOW I AM...:(((
And yes, I just had a dialogue with my heart..lol!

You having a new boyfriend

April 29, 2012 - 10:49pm — courlie

You having a new boyfriend after the exN gives me hope! Right now I'm terrified every guy will be like my ex and that I'll never find someone. I'm an undergrad in college so I know I'm still young, but my ex devastated who I am beyond belief. I'm 65 days NC and I honestly believe he'll stay away. I'm just scared no one else will fill the void...

And he's trying to worm his way back into your life... tell your heart to stay out of this matter and let your mind handle this one lol!

Hugs,
Courlie

I'm happy (and also sad) to

April 30, 2012 - 12:35am — lavendar19

I'm happy (and also sad) to see that someone so close to my age is on this site as well. Happy because I'm not the only one to have had this experience at a relatively young age, but also sad because I know that it could hit us harder and have more pronounced effects....I was very depressed (and a little suicidal to be honest) after being with my exN...and like you, I thought I could never a) find someone normal and/or b)fall in love with someone normal again.
But the guy that I'm with (also grad school) honestly changed my views on men entirely. We have been together a year, not too long, but long enough for me to let down my guard just a tad because he has not yet shown any traits my exN did. I mentioned this in another thread but he is not overly charming nor is he too good to be true....he is normal, not average but normal, he's kind, loving and understanding...3 things the exN only was when it suited him.
To be honest, I have put him through a lot this past year because of my own issues and he has been very supportive...also we have not slept together (I told him I was very cautious) and he has not once pushed it or tried to manipulate me into it (like exN). Granted, he is a guy and the topic comes up, but he never ever pushes it on me nor does he push any of my other boundaries...in fact I think I push him more often than he pushes me lol! From the beginning with exN, I had a gut feeling that warned me to back off, but with this man, I find myself so at ease with him and who he is. Long story short, you WILL find another...there are MANY kind, loving men out there and they would kill to be with an amazing woman like you...never let one man or a few men change your views on men and relationships entirely...you know the old saying..you've got to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince ;) Though take this time on your own to enjoy being with yourself and taking up a hobby or working out, working, etc..and when the right time comes you will find him, I promise you...my promise might not mean much on an online website but I'm sure it will happen for you because I was in your shoes for 5 years.
And you're right..he's just trying to weasel his way back in my life..
my biggest problem is feeling guilty..I mean WHY do I feel guilty after this guy destroyed me? I need a nap...lol

edit: would I be the biggest idiot in the world to reply and say thanks, I'm doing well?

lavendar

April 30, 2012 - 4:12am — Snowflake

You pinpointed your own issue right there with feeling like the bad one for not replying..dont get sucked in, please, classic (easy) hoover..how are you..

Think forward for a sec with me ok..(I have read what he sent you)

So you reply..yeah I'm great thanks, this is doing well, thats going well etc. etc.

My guess is..

he will then ST for a bit and you will be left reeling, feeling arrrgghh why did I reply.

After that he may come back and say..really busy with something (insert as approprate, finger got stuck up arse, whatever) and only just had time to reply..how about a coffee, catch up

Now you may read this and think no way..but the ST may have worked wonders..a lot of people WILL meet after this treatment because you want to show someone how great you are, how you didnt care about the ST.

Before long that yeah doing great opens up a world of shit again..how do I know..because Ive done it.

Please press delete, nothing good can happen x

Thanks for the post

April 30, 2012 - 4:57am — lavendar19

Thanks for the post Snowflake. I have done it before too, many, many times. And every time I end up even more depressed following the D&D than the previous time. I ran that exact scenario in my head too, but reading what you had written really clarified it for me again. I have to admit, reading his message the first time jolted my emotions a bit but now that I've deleted it, read your messages and blocked his email, I feel oddly calm. Nothing good can come out of me replying and I've worked much too hard on establishing and maintaining NC to break it now. I hope this was the last hoover. I think I can finally sleep now. Going to go to yoga tomorrow so that should help too:)

Good for you

April 30, 2012 - 7:19am — Snowflake

And in a way I am happy ..sure thats not the right word..that you have been there before because you will know what I am talking about..that period when you reply then kick yourself because they dont answer back.. its horrible.

Then it gets like you really need them to miss you..well I did anyway :)

And just think hon by ignoring him you gave him the biggest fuck you EVER !!!!

Fuck off narckyknob lavendar is far too good for you

Keep up the good work hon you are doing great x x

I know exactly what you

April 30, 2012 - 3:19pm — lavendar19

I know exactly what you mean..when I used to reply to previous hoovers, I'd check back compulsively to see if he had replied and sure enough, he would always delay replying, then I would ''miss'' him and wonder why he wouldn't reply back lol the cycle is nauseating...thank you for reminding me lovely snowflake:)
"Fuck off narckyknob lavendar is far too good for you"
Hahaha I want to hug you!

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