When I was with my ex nac, I felt nothing. I was dead emotionally and was like a zombie. The only thing I felt was anxiousness and fear. These feelings squirmed in my gut, tormenting me. Tonight I feel liberated by the realization that I can feel, I can express and be the real me without repercussions. No more doubt, no more fear. I was so diminished in the past, so filled with self doubt that it left me crippled. He was so subtle and deceptive that I didn't notice how toxic he was for me at the time. I was so young and had never developed the real me. I didn't really exist for all those years I was with him and I didn't know what it meant to exist. I was slowly poisoned. I was the lobster placed in cold water while he slowly turned the burner on, boiling me to death. What blessed bliss it is to really live and experience life with all its happiness and pains, but at least I can participate!
Though reality is tough. There was a time after I left him when I reached a bottom so low that I didn't think I could make it back, I craved him and his stimulating conversation and the freedom I felt with him. I was needy and felt nothing could ease my loneliness but being with him. I thought only he understood me. I didn't want to face reality. I wanted the dream I spent with him to be true.
I thought we could be friends after the divorce. I tried many times to just be his friend only to realize that he would eventually find something to punish me for, control and diminish me about. He wanted to continue the dysfunction. This last time, he became very upset with me for changing my name back to my maiden name. He called me up jumping all over me and blaming me for not telling him when its really non of his business and we have been divorced for awhile now. The continuous filth that came out of his mouth was astounding. He blamed me for anything he could think of, grasping onto anything that sounded the least bit convincing. Because I had been away from his garbage so long, I forgot just how awful he could be. I decided then and there that our "friendship" was over and could never be. I was fooling myself into thinking that we could be friends. I am so glad I am through with that toxic weight.
I have had no contact for over a month now which is sometimes difficult because we work together a little, but it has been liberating. I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop and I have real friends that truly care. I am so thankful to have found this blog shortly there after and to read Lisa's books. Having a support system with people that have gone through the same situations is empowering and comforting.
Thank you everyone here and for those of you that are really suffering right now, my heart goes out to you.