Merry-go-round from Hell

Merry-go-round from Hell
Posted April 28, 2012 - 5:48am
0

Weekends seem to hit hard forme. Need to plan some more activities so I can avoid the despair I seem to go through each weekend. I continue to be confused and just want to get off this merry go round. I have been talking to a therapist who believes husband of 18 years is a narc. She is a relationship therapist and has advised working on the relationship is not a good idea. She suggested a book to read called "After the Affair". It goes into how the betrayed partner feels etc but also how the cheating spouse also feels. It all fits so well so I am confused as to where this be ones narcissistic behavior or just the emotions a cheating spouse goes through. He claims he loves me and he know what he has to do with regards to OW. (meaning end it). He says his dream is I will take him back after he sorts himself out and shows me how wonderful he can be and we more or less live happily ever after. Reading on this forum for several months now says anything coming out of his mouth is lies. Just after reading this book gave me some hope that marriages do survive affairs. I guess both partners have to be willing. Seven months is a long time for him to come to a decision. So yes he is selfish and is not willing to sacrifice anything in order to give our marriage a chance. I was feeling so strong earlier today, but have fallen in a heap again. Little things can trigger the hopelessness etc. thanks for hearing me everyone.

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Janie53's picture

Bella

April 28, 2012 - 2:29pm — Janie53

Regardless, if he is a narcissist or not, is his behavior of lying and cheating okay with you? Only you, can make that choice. This recovery forum is actually for you, not the cheaters, not the narcissists.
Read more, NC and most importantly,

Stay true to you!
Janie

Shadow13's picture

Bella

April 28, 2012 - 10:25am — Shadow13

I am new to this site and have not shared my story yet however reading your post just struck a chord with me. I have been married for 18 years. About two years ago my husband admitted to an affair. Told me it was over with OW yet in subsequent counseling (at my request) found out he lied. As the months passed numerous additional lies were told yet he continued to tell me I was the love of his life and how much he wanted our marriage to work. I too read the After the Affair book and had hope our marriage could survive even though our therapist had already called him out as a narc. I found out the hard way that actions speak louder than words. You are right that both parties need to be willing. That means action on his part which it seems like he is not willing to commit to based upon what you describe. My husband would just go through the motions pretending he was trying until January of this year when he said he could not stand to look at me or be in the same room as me anymore. He moved out two days later. Stay strong. Unless he is willing to back up his words with actions it is not worth your emotional well being.

Layla's picture

He wants you hanging on a thread in case this other OW...

April 28, 2012 - 8:12am — Layla

...doesn't work out.

I completely agree with everything eyeswideopen and used wrote.

And as far as what he "feels"...he does not care. If he cared one iota, he wouldn't of cheated in the first place and in the second place, NO cheating spouse who isn't disordered has the audacity to try to make the injured spouse sit on a back burner while they gallivant off with an outside party to the marriage. NORMAL people know that their ass is getting KICKED TO THE CURB no questions asked!

His idea of "sorting himself out" is running off and playing house with this OW and having the option of coming back to "mommy" when things get boring, she starts demanding a reciprocal relationship or "reality" of REAL LIFE starts setting in.

Like Janie here always says, "Stay true to you"!

love~ Layla

eyeswideopen35's picture

bella10

April 28, 2012 - 6:45am — eyeswideopen35

My EXn husband said that he needed time to sort himself out too, and that he just needs to work out if we are
'right for each other". he chaeated on me, lied about, come home one day and told me he has found somewhere else to live and he is moving out in 2 weeks!
he then proceeded to say alot things for ex
* ill move out and then we can date and see each other just on weekends.
* i just need time to sort out what i want
*maybe it will take me losing you to want to do the work to change
*you will always be in my life, you always have been...
blah blah blah
basically he should have sorted himself out before we got married ( we were only married a year)
AND basically i just translate all the things he said into him having his cake and wanting to eat it too..

I said to him if you leave our home, our marriage etc etc then that is it, dont think you can just move out, sleep with whoever you want, fufill your insatable needs then come back to me when you are done with the single life!
he just laughed in my face and said that he knows ill always be there for him..

Anyway my point is that, they shouldnt need to leave the marriage to sort themselves out, cheat, lie etc etc...
I just think they want what they want at the time and unfortunately there wants and desires change like the wind!
I think they test us too to see how much we will put up with... if they cheat, lie ONCE and we take them back, then they no that they can do what they like and that they suffer no consequences for there actions..
THAT IS A NARCS DREAM!!

you said..So yes he is selfish and is not willing to sacrifice anything in order to give our marriage a chance.
Darling there lies your answer!!! big hugs, xo

RubyWoo's picture

Now this is creepy because my

April 28, 2012 - 1:18pm — RubyWoo

Now this is creepy because my exN said exactly the same things! Moved out but kept his key and kept coming home when he pleased (that went on for 4 months!!) then one day he just took all his stuff and left withouth me knowing.

He said the same stuff, "let's stay together but live separately, I need to get my shit together, figure out myself blah blah fucking blah"

They're absolutely nuts, they are!

Used's picture

bella

April 28, 2012 - 6:08am — Used

So He expects to HANG AROUND, while He sorts him self out...
THE SHEER AFFRONT OF HIM......
He is a LYING scumbag....WHO WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT.....
YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS, YOU REALY ARE...