Does this qualify as the "silent" treatment?

Harper03

Member since:
1 year 5 weeks

Last activity:
1 year 2 weeks

Posted April 28, 2012 - 12:13pm

Every time I miss him I "reflect" on the rude, mean and completely bizarre things he was done or said to me. The evening he ended our engagement over the phone when he was visiting his family, he sent me a request to play some game over our phones. I text him asking why he hadn't contacted me but sent me a game request and he ignored me... I was in full panic mode... I started to call (he would hit ignore) and text BEGGING him to tell me what was wrong. Mostly ignoring me, but sending a text "I am eating" then another about 20 mins later "I am busy" .... This went out for over an hour. Finally I said why are you doing this? He replied about 10 mins later he would call me in 5... Well, 20 mins later he called to end things and said he didn't want to do it over the phone but had to since I "sensed" something was wrong. Hmmmmm go from I love you in the morning to ending it literally 6 hours later.

Does that qualify for the silent treatment? I am not sure since it didn't last that long and he did send me some bullsh*t messages in between his bouts of ignoring me and me begging him to tell me what was wrong.

Hi Harper03

April 29, 2012 - 11:23am — aceonelady

Mine begged me to go to the usa to be with him...i live in Amsterdam.Holland and he Tulsa,Oklahoma...We had a 2 year long distance relationship,full of red flags due to his mood swings...he told me he had a rough childhood,he was entrapped in a very shady relationship and that he was busy endind it...we spoke 2 years daily on Skype,for hours he always contacted me never missed a day....he introduced me on the phone to his sister,his grandma,his boss...i helped him with everything i could,even long distance...when i got in Tulsa,he was at the Airport waiting for me,talking to a colored girl...he is also colored,i thought she was maybe family...when i aproached them,she runned away sayin,that she has nothing to with him...it was like she saw a ghost,when i did aproached them....2 days later,he started giving me the silent treatment,acting very cold,push and pull and told me he wanted nothing to do with me anymore...he turned into a cold,horrible person...when i said i was going back to Europe,he called me selfish and i was leaving because i did not got what i wanted so that is the proof that i wasn't his friend...so i stayed for 2 months...it was sheer hell...i couldn't understand why this abuse after me helping him,consoled him,i gave everything in my power to help him and show him that he was loved also with his imperfections...he destroyed me,now 3 years later,i am 40 days NC...he did contacted me many times,but saying that no one can put up with him,that he wish he was never born,etc...he also said he was sorry for the goofy insults but he had no desire to communicate with anyone,incluiding me...then 2 months later he would email me saying he had noticed i didn't send any emails anumore....one advice...go NC,is hard but is the only way....now i am working out at the Gym 3 times a week,i am 56 years old and looking 42...so people say...when with him,i just started looking very tired,crying everyday...now ,when i am sad,i look myself in the mirror and thank God i am holding on to NC....hughs

I am so sorry you had to go

April 29, 2012 - 12:29pm — Harper03

I am so sorry you had to go through that treatment. They need to be alone for life, unfortunately they can't be and they will take victim after victim...

I am glad you are on the right track after he emotionally abused you for so long.

Thank you for your post!

Hugs!!!

harper

April 28, 2012 - 6:23pm — onwithmylife

I do not know if it qualifies as the silent treatment and would not waste my time wondering if it does, but saying that, it shows what a TOTAL asshole the man is and be so thankful he is out of your life and you can move on..I am out for several years and it will get better........these men are such nut jobs, I want to both laugh and cry, if you know what I mean and you will, read all you can about the disorder..my exnarc loved playing' phone games,' when he was mad at me he would not answer the phone and would get mad at me if i left a phone message, due to limited minutes,, he must have been howling his head off when he saw my number, NO MORE, MORON............

Thanks for the post. I do not

April 28, 2012 - 6:38pm — Harper03

Thanks for the post. I do not know anybody who would send me over a game request when they are planning on ending things. Wether or not he had in his mind it was going to be over that night for sure, or what. But that is some bizarre behavior right there.

Sad as it is, he would do this stuff when he went out and I wasn't going to be around all weekend. I think he liked the attention. Who knows. But he sure "loved me so much" when he would leave that morning, though. Then call me on his way home like nothing happened.

Phone games are the worst. And if he got mad you left a message, he should've answered. What is wrong with this creatures?

Harper

April 28, 2012 - 7:30pm — onwithmylife

they are SICK freaks of nature and you cannot put your normal thinking patterns onto them, which is what we do until the light bulb goes off in our heads and we change our thinking patterns .. they love to put you in a damned if you do, damn if you don't situation.. called cat and mouse games, it makes their self feel important, since they have no inner compass.....or self, just empty shells or voids inside......

The game was your entire

April 28, 2012 - 3:11pm — Deidre99

The game was your entire relationship, harper. He played you, over and over...and got his kicks out of watching you panic and squirm.

Makes me sick to read how you begged him, and he sat there pressing ignore.

I hope this guy gets a huge heaping helping of karma pie, someday.

Trust me. We reap what we sow. And he'll get his.

they enjoy so much

April 29, 2012 - 12:58am — flowers

pressing ignore. i cant tell you how many times he has pressed ignore whenever i would call him, be it during the silent treatment or even outside the ST. and i can't explain that heart wrenching pain i would feel each and every time he would ignore my calls.

Deidre, your words give me the faith to believe that,though late, but life will be fair enough one day.

flowers

April 29, 2012 - 2:18am — Harper03

"Heart wrenching pain" is a good way to describe the ignoring. Why did they do that to us? I feel like it was something some young, immature high schooler would do.

Harper

April 29, 2012 - 5:57am — flowers

i have been reading your replies in this post, and it was as if you were relating pieces of my story, especially the part where he would be with his friends and would not take my call, but instead would allow it to ring. i would text and he would not reply. the next time i would meet him and his friends, he would say 'she was the one irritating me the other day!' i can't believe i have allowed myself to be walked on like this.

they were stone-hearted Narcs who could not feel the love and care we had for them. instead of treasuring what they had, they took us for objects to be played with and tossed away. that's why they would behave like this.

flowers

April 29, 2012 - 7:57am — Harper03

My exN never called me out like that, I think he would just leave his phone out for people to see me in my panic mode so I would look irrational. He would tell me that his phone would be "accidentally" out and I embarrassed myself by calling/messaging so many times.

Hello!? then answer the phone. Lol I mean I don't understand that behavior. We were never arguing before. In fact, he loved me so much before he would leave.

It makes absolutely NO sense that these guys would do that. What were they trying to do?

When you get out of the fog

April 29, 2012 - 12:03pm — Deidre99

When you get out of the fog completely...what you will say instead of 'it makes no sense why these guys do that,' is 'why did i stay and put up with a guy that did that.'

;)

there's an asshole born every minute. it's up to us to not accept such intolerable behavior. that's really what healing is more about. you can analyze him all day, he's a bona fide psychopath. (I say psychopath, because his behavior demonstrates a calculated diabolical 'thrill' in tormenting you)

Keep staying NC no matter what. Trust me, this douchebag will resurrect in your life someday. They always circle back over their prior prey. (typically)

I would just stay NC...always stay NC.

((hugs))

I can't wait until that day.

April 29, 2012 - 12:38pm — Harper03

I can't wait until that day. They really work you over, don't they!? I should've stayed away the first time this happened!!!!!!

It is so much easier staying NC after changing my number. I love not knowing if he is trying to contact me.

Thanks, D

I am so delighted you did

April 29, 2012 - 12:44pm — Deidre99

I am so delighted you did this, harper. I didn't change mine right away after the breakup...ugh. Glad when I did, though.

I'll say what is helpful too when you do that RIGHT AFTER the breakup is, it can be hard when the ex IS NOT CALLING. You might keep looking at your phone, and if he wasn't calling, that might make your heart ache even further.

But, the not knowing at all? It stops you from that anxious looking at your phone every hour or whenever and the disappointment and sadness that one might feel, when NOT receiving a hoover.

I think changing one's number right after a breakup like this, is key to healing. Excellent you took that step, harper!

That is EXACTLY right and I

April 29, 2012 - 12:53pm — Harper03

That is EXACTLY right and I changed my number because I didn't want to cave when he wasn't calling and him get some delight I was chasing after him again.

The anxiety is really cut in half when you do not know if they are calling.

Also, changing the number is good for cutting out those mutual friends (all my exes friends since he never was around mine)... I think that is a part of healing as well for some people, if possible.

Thank you, D :)

Harper

April 29, 2012 - 8:13am — flowers

i could not understand his behaviour never. only 1 month before breaking up with me, he said we should now think of getting married. I was looking for answers, searching the web for this type of behaviour when he left me. it is only then i came across this forum, and when reading the articles and blogs, i found the answers and realised he is a Narc.

i don't know much of your relationship, but try reading as well. maybe you'll find pieces of your stories here and there in other persons' posts here, and everything will fall into place gradually.

keep strong and have faith, am sure you'll do fine.
hugs

It is amazing how they change

April 29, 2012 - 12:48pm — Harper03

It is amazing how they change their mind like they do.

I've always thought something was "off" with him. His lack of empathy and showing hardly any emotion, unless he was confronted about his shady behavior and would get angry, were some red flags.

Mine proposed to be after being together 5 years... We lived together and where engaged for 3 and a half months and he went home to his mommy and ended things. But he led me on until the big call.

They are cowards, mean and cold people.

Thanks and many hugs!

D :) thank you so much for

April 28, 2012 - 3:52pm — Harper03

D :) thank you so much for your words. I would beg, beg, beg every time he did this. Usually I could expect this when he was out and gone for the weekend. Ignore, ignore, ignore... With the occasional text every few hours, or SEVERAL hours later... Sometimes the next morning. SICK...

Hahaha he is the type of person that NEVER gets his back. Karma NEVER hits this guy. He always manages to come out of his messes scot-free!

well, it may seem that way,

April 28, 2012 - 4:04pm — Deidre99

well, it may seem that way, but they do a very good job of not seeming disappointed and rejected. my ex got a heaping helping of karma a few months after we broke up, i had heard. that was before i omitted all the mutual friends from my life.

but, the problem is. he most likely, knowing him, turned it around to look like the victim. that's what they do.

so, while to outsiders...like a john edwards who is a total narcissist in the news right now, up on charges, and potential 30 yr sentence...he will somehow play it off as he was a victim, or clueless, or he was mislead.

they don't ever take the blame. they don't apologize. they just use and abuse and hurt...and appear charming to many, but to those closest, they are the meanest, and most diabolical.

john edwards cheated on his wife when she had cancer. so, why is the country shocked he was stealing campaign money? you know? lol

so...a narcissist is a narcissist in EVERYTHING they do. at work, in school, with their lovers. EVERYTHING.

I can honestly see your ex getting people to do his work for him...or cheating on exams...or sleeping with professors...etc. Whatever he feels he can get away with, he'll try.

That's what they do.

Wasn't personal with you. He will do it to the next girl..and the next.

Sadly, from what you've posted here, sounds like he learned it from mommy dearest. Aw. That family tree needs to be axed down before anymore of them reproduce more rotten fruit.

I say that in jest, but in truth, it's very sad. Because his mommy made him the nutcase he is.

So true!

April 28, 2012 - 4:41pm — Harper03

You are so so so true. I was thinking about the John Edwards thing the other day.

He did learn a lot from mommy dearest (this made me laugh) and thinking back his father too (who I always got weird vibes from)...

Narcissism is learned

April 28, 2012 - 4:58pm — Deidre99

Narcissism is learned behavior. I've read that we all have our core personalities solidified by the time we are 12/13 years old. Or a little earlier. So, if you are torturing animals at 12, that's who you will remain. And a child who does this learned the behavior...maybe not to torture animals exactly, but that child was abused. Or learned that abuse was 'normal.'

So, likewise to your ex-asshole. He learned how to be a game playing, controlling demented asshole, from an early age. Probably was a bully in school, towards the weaker kids, I would dare venture a guess. It's not behavior that just pops up at 20, 30, 40 years old. It is a personality disorder that takes root, just like our own personalities take root, when we are preteens.

So, does this mean they can't see what they do is wrong? Yes, they can, because they see how the negatively affect others, and society. If one commits a crime but has this disorder (ie scott peterson who killed lacy peterson, his pregnant wife)...he will go off to prison, denying the whole thing. Never coming clean. And alas! He has received marriage proposals in prison. lol So, to him. He sees nothing wrong with what he did, he won't admit guilt, he won't apologize, and he is shown that he can be in jail, and still have a way with women. See?

Like your ex. He SAW your reactions, and instead of being in pain watching YOU in pain, HE LIKED SEEING YOU IN PAIN. He knows what pain looks like, he sees it. But, he still can't stop himself. His disorder is so part of him, that he can't change it. This is why there is no ''cure.''

Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, all were narcissist/psychopaths, who ended up going to prison. Dahmer is dead from a prison inmate. Bundy got the electric chair. Manson is still nuts, sitting somewhere in prison. Bundy did admit he killed women, but he was not remorseful. Dahmer supposedly found God, and I have seen old interviews with him, and he seemed remorseful, but who knows.

It is why so many criminals repeat their crimes and go back to jail. They have a disorder and they simply can't feel empathy, or contrition for their acts.

So your ex is like that, too. He sees the pain he causes, but he keeps causing more. On some level, he realizes that he hurts people. Because people tell him so. But, he's still incapable of changing it. Nor does he want to. He sees a lot of payback/reward from his behavior. Normal people like you and me cringe if we truly hurt someone. Not them, though. They know they hurt people, but they feel alive, and exhilerated knowing that someone could care so much about them, that they are hurting over them.

At the end of the day, it's a rather exhausting thing to be in, a narcissistic relationship. And no matter how long we analyze them, we must go on with our own lives. Doesn't matter what they think--it matters how we FEEL in the relationship. If you feel shitty 80% of the time, it's time to say goodbye.

No doubt in my mind you were in this. You doubted it when you first came here, but hopefully, you now see. This was not your fault. You fell in love with a narcissist/psychopath.

Hope you are feeling better these days. Did you send back the ring?

I saved this so I can keep

April 28, 2012 - 5:48pm — Harper03

I saved this so I can keep reading and reading.

I am not the first girl he has done this to. He has been in two other serious relationships before me, starting in high school. Both had issues, I heard. One for sure. She was in therapy and blamed him for all of her other relationship problems. She warned me, of course I didn't listen because she was "crazy." Both are now married and happily!

I wake up missing him and thinking how can he be these things? But, he is. Nobody in their right mind would handle things the way he did.

I have my ups and downs... Seems like I am having more downs lately... Yes I did... $300.00 to send that thing back! I was livid at that point. I thought to myself he is STILL taking my damn money! He needed to handle his stuff like a man and come to me, face to face, give me closure and take his ring!

Hunter

April 28, 2012 - 2:33pm — Monarch

Awesome articles!!!! Love this: "For you, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you your time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to that relationship. It may have become your entire life. For the psychopath, however, the whole process isn’t really personal. He could have done the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him into her intimate life. He will do it again and again to everyone he seduces. It’s not about you. It’s not about the other woman or women who were set against you to compete for him, to validate his ego, to give him pleasure, to meet his fickle needs. He wasn’t with them because they’re superior to you. He was with them for the same reason that he was with you. To use them, perhaps for different purposes than he used you, but with the same devastating effect. He will invariably treat others in a similar way to how he treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard. Rinse and repeat. This process was, is and will always be only about the psychopath for as long as you stay with him." -
Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness

It's reassuring to know that it's not because of some horrible flaw of mine that I was treated this way....it's who HE is, not who I am. I know this but sometimes, it's good to read it. It gives me some relief from the pain.

I love that part, too. I KNOW

April 28, 2012 - 3:46pm — Harper03

I love that part, too. I KNOW he is that way too... But sometimes I fail to connect the dots in my head and have to read, read, read all over again to reassure myself that it is HIS sick mind. I would change things I have done, but it's really hard working with someone with a PD who really gives you absolutely NO chance. They strip us of everything!

Read, Read,Read

April 28, 2012 - 1:51pm — Hunter

http://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-rel...

Hunter

Great articles. Really puts

April 28, 2012 - 3:43pm — Harper03

Great articles. Really puts things in perspective. And it really shows how mentally abusive they really are. Thanks Hunter! I appreciate it.

Harper

April 28, 2012 - 3:08pm — Janie53

It is blantant disrespect! Would you ever treat someone you care about this way? As some have already said, in narc terms it is D&D, aka as Digusting & Disrespectful.

Knowledge is power! Read away and stay NC!
Stay true!

Janie

Thank you for your post.

April 28, 2012 - 3:40pm — Harper03

Thank you for your post. Disgusting & Disrespectful is right. It is such a sick thing these people do to us.

Harper

April 28, 2012 - 3:55pm — Janie53

I am NC for over a year and I'm still reading. I learn something new about this insidious disorder everyday. The most important thing to remember though is we have the power to change our course. The power is all ours now; knowledge is power.

"There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them."
Denis Waitley

Do this for you!
Stay true to you!

xoxoxo
Janie

Thank you so much. I hate

April 28, 2012 - 4:51pm — Harper03

Thank you so much. I hate that we all had to go through this, but as I am doing my research it is almost fascinating people's minds work like this. I just wished there was a screening method and they came with a warning sign so we would NEVER get into relationships with these people. They are truly sick.

SO proud a year NC. That is amazing.

Harper

April 28, 2012 - 5:29pm — Janie53

If you do the work, your senses will be in overdrive. They actually, are quite transparent. No pun intended!

Stay true!
Janie

i think that qualifies

April 28, 2012 - 1:08pm — ruby01

as a d&d. These people make me sick. Why do they think they are all that?

They aren't even whole.

You need to know that he treats EVERYONE in his life as HIS to do with as he pleases, WHEN he pleases, no one is to second guess his greatness.

He was probably sitting there getting off on playing his stupid manipulative game with not only you, but others as well.

It's all drama intended to get a reaction. Good or bad, it doesn't matter, as long as the focus is on him.

Don't feed his ego and stay NC. The fog will lift and the answers will start to come in time. Read all that you can on manipulative people and come here to vent or ask questions.

xoxo,
Ruby

Thanks for you post. He

April 28, 2012 - 1:16pm — Harper03

Thanks for you post. He actually did the ignoring throughout our time together when he was out or visiting friends. I NEVER tried interfering with his fun. But, like HE wanted to be able to get ahold of me, I wanted the same thing. He would ignore me for hours. ALWAYS knowing that would bother me. He also, I heard, let his phone out in front of his friends a few times when he was ignoring me and I knew this and started to panic and keep text messaging him (I know it was so bad on my part... BUT I knew what he was doing).... He would do all of this while telling me before he left for the weekend how much he loved and missed me. Sometimes I would get a miss you, etc. etc. But, I would get horrible anxiety when he would go out knowing he would ignore me.

many hugs!

Yes, anytime the other person

April 28, 2012 - 12:40pm — Journey

Yes, anytime the other person refuses to answer, stonewalls you or ignores you is ST - even when it is only for a half hour, it is cruel and emotionally abusive.

There is no empathy being shown or kindness to your concerns. THAT is NOT okay. Don't be thinking you did something 'wrong' to 'make' him call off the engagement - they love it when the other person ends up the one feeling at fault and/or grovelling for answers that they then proceed to refuse to give you (unless it is to project the blame onto you).

Stay NC - the fog will clear! xo

Thank you for your reply. I

April 28, 2012 - 1:00pm — Harper03

Thank you for your reply. I have to wonder why a "man" a year from 30 would behave in such a childish way. He knew when he would ignore me like that I would panic when I KNEW the phone was right in front of him and he could see I was contacting me. So many similar "ignoring" stories thru the years.

I mean you send me a request to play a game over the phone THEN basically ignore me and THEN end it. I keep wondering why I still miss someone who can't handle his stuff like a man. Plus leading me on then ending it speaks volumes about his MENTAL and EMOTIONAL state and his lack of respect for me and my feelings. No conversations along the way about us ending, nothing. I hope the fog will clear SOON. Thank you so much.

A year from 30 - trust me, it

April 28, 2012 - 1:13pm — Journey

A year from 30 - trust me, it doesn't change the older he gets... mine played the same control and manipulation games - they really aren't capable of anything else, it doesn't matter how old they are.

Take care of you now, you are fortunately very young and have so much to look forward to - you are so lucky he called off the engagement and you didn't give this 'child' YEARS more of your life for him to continue abusing you. xo

Journey

April 28, 2012 - 5:30pm — Harper03

As I am doing more "reflecting" I was pulling away because I was physically and mentally tired of everything. I would call him out on his behavior and once told him I questioned the engagement because given the chance when he went out, he would always act shady... And it would always bring up the trust issues since he would lie (according to him they weren't big lies... he just lied about small things so I wouldn't get made... yea right)...

It is always so sad to see how the manipulate and play mind games with people who really love them. I heard it gets worse with age. Is that true?

Yes, they usually do get

April 28, 2012 - 6:07pm — Journey

Yes, they usually do get worse with age as they get more set in their ways and they probably get better at manipulation or hiding the lies because of all the practice they get.

Look at Hugh Hefner. Yes, I'd

April 28, 2012 - 5:36pm — Deidre99

Look at Hugh Hefner. Yes, I'd say...it gets MUCH WORSE as they age! LMAO!!! :=P

I don't think it was the silent treatment

April 28, 2012 - 12:33pm — lilygirl

Dear Harper: This was abuse. They all seem to get this way in the end.

Maybe it's their way of showing how needy you are so they feel justified in leaving.

But you don't have to beg him or put up with his abuse ever again.

Be strong my friend.

Lily

He always did this after he

April 28, 2012 - 1:05pm — Harper03

He always did this after he had me hooked, when he would go out or be away for the weekends, it would be nothing for him to go HOURS without text messaging me. Sometimes NO calls all weekend, only text. One night he messaged me at 9pm or something then NOTHING again until 4am.

He discarded you on his terms!

April 28, 2012 - 12:27pm — Trainwreck56

I hope your NC??

Silent TX is like this: Your talking to him, having a conversation and no one is there, no one replys, or engages
you!

That ST! Just another form of manipulation!

Nothing you did, its HIM!!

HUGS

I am definitely NC! I changed

April 28, 2012 - 12:47pm — Harper03

I am definitely NC! I changed my number the night he ended things and blocked him from my main email. I have an email I rarely use and check where he could contact me and vice versa since we lived together and any questions about moving or the engagement ring. And chatting 2 weeks ago on there was my "closure" HAHAHAHAHA....

Looking back how extremely WEIRD and MESSED up that he did that. Such a coward.

GOOD HARPER, WAY TO GO!

April 28, 2012 - 12:52pm — Trainwreck56

BUB BYE NARC PSYCHO!!

They are all cowards! Something they are GOOD at!

Never facing reality or being accountable to ANYONE!

SICK, CRAZY, NUTS!

ROCK ON WITH NC!

HUGS AND PEACE TO YOU!

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Does this qualify as the "silent" treatment?