20 days NC, so why do I feel even worse???

20 days NC, so why do I feel even worse???
Posted April 28, 2012 - 10:24am
0

It has been 20 days NC and 5 weeks since we looked in eachothers eyes and said goodbye for the last time. I feel good taht I have maintained the NC, because he has texted a few times about meaningless things. I wish however, that he would say sorry, he loves me, he misses me, etc. I really feel I need to know that for some reason. We were extremely close, and I think part of why he left was because he was losing his feeling of identity. i wanna tell him I am happy he is happy, that he is figuring out what HE wants in life and trying to step up with his OWN responsibilities...I want to be supportive, like I always am...but I am extremely angered that he walked away from OUR responsibilities and his he had with THIS life.

I want him to miss me, I want him to hurt...I feel like I am the only one who cares and is makes me feel like a Fool everytime my heart aches.Why does he not care? will I ever hear these things from him...I feel powerless. I stopped NC after sending him a last email, short and sweet telling him I will move on knowing I at least had a good 2 years and good luck in all his pursuits. When do they contact you seeking your sympathy????? I really want to shut the door in his face and say stay out of my life!!!! I want to be the final word...for once!!! I feel I NEED to in order to MOVE on!!!
-luvapug

‹ His kids NEED EVERYONES INPUT!!! Should i go to womens shelter or maintain n house ›
Journey's picture

Welcome to the club - you are

April 28, 2012 - 1:05pm — Journey

Welcome to the club - you are describing what most of us have all longed for at one time. The split with my exN happened a year before I discovered this site and that he is a narc.

We tried to be friends (or rather, I tried cause he put no effort into it at all). I spoke with him the way you are describing, telling him I wanted him to be happy, spoke to him about how I felt, even helped him feel less depressed when HE needed a shoulder (ha!) - NONE of it mattered in the long run. He had me right fooled as he was actually already with the first (of many) OW after me.

He NEVER offered the same emotional support or empathy in any way that actually helped me feel better. He would call me to ask how I was doing and I would put on a brave face and try so hard to be positive. One time when he caught me in a low place I told him how it hard it was for me and how much I missed him - he got angry and frustrated - told me I should just get over it, it was in the past - blah blah blah - no real caring, no empathy, just cold words from a cold heart - and then I figured out why... HE'S A NARC and it was ALL about HIM!

You must read more about NPD and about how incapable he is of doing ANY of those things you wish from him. How if he seems to at any point, it is only for HIS supply needs - NOT because he feels authentic love or caring for you.

It is a horribly sad thing to accept, but you don't NEED his approval/validation to move on. It feels like it right now, but with more time NC that feeling will fade and you WILL move on.

Stay NC - it REALLY is your BEST option. Contact = pain, every time!! Even if he were to give you these words you long to hear, they would either feel shallow or cause deeper pain as you doubt the truths you are now starting to realize, which will only cause further heartache.

Seriously, what you are saying you want is essentially what I thought I got and it did NOTHING to change the fact that he continued to lie to me and be cold/unsympathetic whenever HE felt like it.

Journey on... xo

LoserFree's picture

Luvapug You don't want him

April 28, 2012 - 12:10pm — LoserFree

Luvapug You don't want him to contact you for your sympathy!! That would be as sincere as all the times he told you he truly loved you!!! He would only do that if he needed more supply from you. He would only want your sympathy if he has no good supply right now. Supply is a drug to him, a "fix" that he needs in order to survive. And these monsters will say and do anything to get it......just like any addict would!!

Once you understand and accept his disorder, you won't want him to say I love you, or miss you, or I'm sorry. Because they are merely blah, blah, blah and blah words out of his mouth. They NEVER meant a damn thing. It was just to keep your good supply flowing in his direction.

You were an object to him (we all were to our Narcs) to USE, Misuse, and REUSE!!! Over and over and over again!! They loved us no more than they would love a shiny new car. But guess what, when that car isn't so new anymore and they get tired of it.... they trade it in for a new one. Just like they do us. It's a hard pill to swallow but nonetheless TRUTH!!! And only until you believe that truth can you begin to heal!!

Why does he not care you say?? Because his disorder makes him incapable of caring, loving, or showing empathy to anyone!!!! The only person he cares about is himself...It's all about HIM. It will never be about you and your feelings. He was like this before you and will definitely be this way after you with OW.

They are extremely sick, sick people. I think a lot of our struggle to accept what they do to us is because it is such a mind boggling disorder to comprehend. We were raised at at an early age to be kind, loving and to treat people how we would like to be treated. It is a disorder that defies all which we were taught to believe about showing compassion, and love for one another.

I have been so blessed to have found this site and for all the support my angel sisters give me!! They have stressed that knowledge is power and to read, read, read and then read some more!! They were all so right!!! I have spent 12 hours a day for the past week reading blogs, posts, and asking questions. I can't stress enough how it has changed my way of thinking about my XN in such a short time. I have a long way to go but at least I am not in the dark anymore.

You don't want anything from him nor do you need anything from him!! He doesn't deserve your love or thoughts for another second!!! He is yesterday's TRASH!!!

Keep Reading, and Stay Strong

NCNCNCNC

LoserFree

dazed's picture

Being NC is your statement to

April 28, 2012 - 12:07pm — dazed

Being NC is your statement to yourself. It also helps you "shut the door in his face". He will notice that you aren't subject to his BS like perhaps you have been in the past. You will be the one who is different. But really you won't know his reactions and for all the disorder in his head, those reactions are never as bad as we want them to be.

As much as you want to say the final word or any words they will have no effect on him. There will likely be no response from him. I told my N some things at the end of our r/s. Pointed out some really crappy things she said to me. In a normal r/s I would expect the person who loved me to understand and realize she hurt me and there would be an apology. Never happened. Just maintained I was wrong and I shouldn't feel the way I was feeling. So, while you need to express yourself and maybe get closure, it won't mean a thing to him except perhaps some supply for him knowing he hurt you so deeply.

Let NC do the talking for you. Get some clarity and that will be what you need to move on.

Trainwreck56's picture

Pug, good work with 20 days NC!

April 28, 2012 - 11:52am — Trainwreck56

I'm thinking you want closure. You will never get an I'm sorry for screwing you up...to them it was a a perverted
game to control you and suck the life out of you!

They contact you because they are short on NARC SUPPLY, just to see if they can wear you down to get you back in the GAME!

NO SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL..don't give in!

Trust me I went back after 62 days of NC, and the ABUSE, and punishment I dealt with was horrible!

I'm over 90 days NC, its hard, but in time you will know
you did the correct Thing!

You removed an extremely disordered person from you life!

THERE IS NEVER A HAPPY ENDING WITH A PSYCHOPATH!

NC IS YOUR CLOSURE, THE END!!

Hang in there Pug, forward not backwards!

Hugs to you!

TW

sweetpeasarah's picture

Sadly hun

April 28, 2012 - 11:17am — sweetpeasarah

waiting for them to feel something, say sorry or have any remorse is like waiting for hell to freeze. it just wont happen. They cannot feel emotion as we do, so therefore they dont feel sad or hurt that its over. They know from the beginning it isnt forever. It hurts, badly, but all you can do is try to move on, they are not normal hence dont think normally.
I, like many here, tried having the 'last word' but its like water off a ducks back, has no impact whatsever on the pigs.
Try not to dwell on it hun, keep reading and learning, it does get better!
hugs
x

neverlookback's picture

This is a very

April 28, 2012 - 11:10am — neverlookback

common question that has been posted many times - but that should give you some comfort knowing that this is normal to feel this way - you ARE going to feel worse for awhile with NC but dont let that deter you from sticking with it - the alternative is going back or torturing yourself wanting this person to love you when he cant love like you do - its a painful painful experience to love someone that cant love you back and this was NO fault of yours - you deserve someone that can love you - not just love YOU but is even CAPABLE of loving another person and narcs simply cant - he can move on because of that - dont view that as a good thing because its NOT, its a disordered thing and NOT healthy - focus on what is healthy, focus on the people in this world that CAN love
x0

lilygirl's picture

Love

April 28, 2012 - 10:29am — lilygirl

I think we all have wanted the N to tell us he loves us, cares about us, and misses us. Mine did that for awhile, but it was just words.

They aren't normal healthy humans. They don't know what love is and they only care about themselves. They simply can't give us what we need.

Best to move on,

Lily