Every body processes trauma differently and it takes time for your mind to put the shattered pieces back together.

I'm experiencing the same roller coaster emotions and depression is something that is very common in our situations. Consider that possibly you are depressed.

It is EXTREMELY painful to acknowledge that nothing was real and we were living an illusion, lies and manipulation were all that existed and not a STITCH of love existed on their end.

I don't believe there is a worse feeling then this. In a way we are grieving similar to how someone grieves loosing a loved one who has died.

There are stages of grieving that we must process in order to heal:

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection and Lonliness
5. The Upward Turn - adjusting to life without them
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance and Hope

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Internalizing the pain will prolong recovery and you will get stuck in the depression stage. You have to FEEL the pain but project that outwards. If you internalize this you will deepen your depression. Expel the pain by using that emotion constructively...set goal that you want to work towards and focus on those goal by taking small steps throughout your day...week. It can be as simple as making a point of doing something nice for YOURSELF everyday. Set bigger goals for the future (i.e plan weekends in advance, plan a trip / vacation, consider an activity / hobby that you've always wanted to do)...etc. The Key is to take small steps, don't pressure yourself but have a PLAN. There is no time limit on how long it will take to accomplish your plan.

I did choose to go on anti-depressants route and felt that it has helped me to not go into the deep crying stage that was so debilitating. It elevated my mood to a functioning level, helped me focus and minimized the depth of the "highs" and "Lows". AD are not a solution to the problem and they don't take away our memory or the emotions of our experience but they can help when also accompanied by counseling.

I am also struggling finding joy in my life stowing away in my house and watching t.v has been a source of comfort and a distractions from the tape recorder that is constantly on "repeat" in my head.

I also feel nothing bad can happen to me if I'm not going out into the world. I was so naive and unsuspecting when I met my XNarc... what's the chance it wont happen again. I feel raped in a way and scared if it happens again i'll just implode. I'm safe and protected at home...right ?

BUT with that being said, I know this is NO WAY to live and it does make me feel pathetic, anti-social and makes me MAD that he caused me to feel this way. I'm still letting him victimize me. There is a time when we both have to decide to stop this behaviour and get out and start re-connecting with our lives.

Know you are NOT alone and what you are feeling is normal. I hope that give you comfort in a way.

Stay strong.
xo

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anaïs Nin

It is all unbelievably hard work but so worth it in the end. Keep up the good work!
Stay true!

xxxooo
J.

I was about to post something similar...mine has been 5 weeks breakup and exactly 20 days NC. I found out from a friend he got his own place and LOVES it!!! Kills me...why did he not put the effort in for us??? Was I not worth it??? Some days I ball my eyes out, others I am so angry I could choke him!!! Some days I don't ever want to see him and dont want to hear about happy, happy he is without me!!! And others I want to say I am happy for him to move on so quickly....I am conflicted...about a man I love and hate at the same time. He used to worship the ground I walk on and since he left and D&D'd me...I feel worthless....I feel like I didnt do enough or pay enough attention to him...I feel lost and weary :(
-luvapug

I feel that way all the time. It is a crazy roller coaster. As I am currently on it as well so I can only tell you that you are definately not alone in how you are feeling. I could have written your post. My personal favorite is SVU but I have had to resort to Criminal Intent as I have seen every episode 4 times myself :).

I have found that reaching out to the people on this site and to those in my life I can trust has helped me feel less hopeless. There are real people in this world that actually care about us and our well being. I think that it is our job to seek them out and to learn to protect ourselves from the rest...