The Void

The Void
Posted April 26, 2012 - 1:13pm
0

My birthday was a coupple of days ago, and I tried to make it work as better as I could. Meaning, I tried to be present, stay in reality, pay the bills check, bought some nice dresses at comfortable prices, and paid more than a half of the bills I had to pay.

Tried to go further with the job searches as well, even though I didn`t had many success replyies yet, but I still did the work, and at some point I thought I was really close to something.

So, I stayed pretty much present and "on guard" so to say, put boundaries, took everything good by each day, and dealt with the bad, and still kept NC. So all went fine, and pretty much alright and decent.

But, these last coupple of days, I`ve had this lingering feeling of emptiness, no matter what I did..maybe it is still the child inside me processing stuff, I know for certain that there is no going back, and I don`t even want to. I accept the whole Narc experience, I understand the disorder.

But there is this void, and I know that there are still some answers to be found, but from inside myself. I understand that I kept seeking the company and relationships with toxic people, to fill this void. Maybe it comes from the fact that I am a child of self absorbed parents, and I have read that it is common to have these emptiness feelings.

I mean, I did everything that was suppose to make me fill right by myself, but sometimes my soul I guess is so empty and drained..and I have so much work to do, to fill those spaces by myself.

I`m not giving up, it`s just that sometimes I feel sad and empty. I guess I have a lot of work to do, emotionally as well..

For some reason it keeps popping into my mind the movie "Eat Pray Love", and the way the character faces the same struggles, in search of happiness within and self balance..I hope one day, I will be able to say I am completely "at home" with myself. For now, there are just short moments, along moments of sadness, and emptiness.

I hope that with time, work and self love, this whole N experience will be just a memory. I feel there are still so many answers to find, that have little to do with him anymore, and more with me and my being, my own happiness.

Thank you for listening!

‹ N behavior question... Choices ›
Journey's picture

Happy Birthday Greengirl! I

April 26, 2012 - 11:20pm — Journey

Happy Birthday Greengirl! I hope you feel better soon xo

greengirl91's picture

Thank you very much Journey,

May 3, 2012 - 3:15pm — greengirl91

Thank you very much Journey, I arleady do!

And thank you to all friends, sisters, survivors for the wishes, you made me feel loved when I read them.

Much peace, blessings and strength to you all!

:)

x

neverlookback's picture

I remember

April 26, 2012 - 7:16pm — neverlookback

so well hitting rock bottom - laid off my job and could not find work for the life of me - with the economy so bad and our area is horrible with the unemployment rate - So I took a job privately cleaning residential homes, I had to pay the bills somehow - I remember I was on my hands and knees cleaning this million dollar mansion and I just sat on my ass and started hysterically crying I threw the cleaning rag across the room and started screaming, I DIDNT DESERVE THIS, what have I done so badly in my life that I am at this place -lost my job, victimized by a psychopath, and having to start my life over again - here I am cleaning crap out of peoples toilets because I cant find a job and there that psycho is sitting in his new half a mill home and ready to retire from the county - that was my rock bottom - well since then I found a job Insurance Underwriter and things are slowly starting to fall into place - I truly did lose just about EVERYTHING from the experience but I was determined I would get my life back and myself - you will rebuild and repair the damage that was done but it takes take - I guarantee once you do you will be the strongest woman you could imagine because YOU DID IT and you have known what it is to be at the worst despair and rise yourself to a better place - its a life altering experience - x0x0

Happy Birthday

greengirl91's picture

Neverlookback, I am sorry you

May 3, 2012 - 2:57pm — greengirl91

Neverlookback, I am sorry you had to go through this mess, but as you said, even if now we don`t see the point of everything, maybe it is a blessing in disguise, maybe things would have been a lot way worse if we stayed.

Yes, it does hurt and No, it is not an easy process, and I feel like things start to unravel more and more for me, and not only with the Narc experience, but with Myself. What made me beat my head and my heart against walls for so long?..I want it to stop, I want to know the truth and to live free inside..I am alone, but hell, I am Worth more than that, more than any of these toxics have brought to my life.

We are all worth it more than that.

Thank you for the Birthday wishes!

bgirl's picture

GG xxxx I describe the void

April 26, 2012 - 5:18pm — bgirl

GG xxxx
I describe the void as feeling like I have nothing inside me...like your vital organs have been misplaced.
I am 15 months NC and ever so slowly my body is returning to homeostasis.

This is preferable to the emotional time bomb I was when the N was in my life.

At least now we get to choose what we fill ourselves up with and hopefully we will now be more educated, more savvy and we will be able to choose wisely xx

Lots of love,
B

greengirl91's picture

Yes Bgirl, and more aware of

May 3, 2012 - 2:58pm — greengirl91

Yes Bgirl, and more aware of who we let in our lives..and LESS afraid!

Because we have arleady walked the painful road!

Ophelia's picture

Happy Birthday, Green Girl.

April 26, 2012 - 5:15pm — Ophelia

Happy Birthday, Green Girl. Happy Birthday to you.

Try to think of the void as an empty room in a new house you've just moved in to, waiting for you to make it yours. It echoes because there's nothing much in there, and it's not a comfortable place to be--yet. Give it time. Gradually introduce some of your favorite color(s), some beautiful art work, and pieces of furniture that you love. In time you will feel warm and cozy, and the uneasiness and sense of emptiness will pass.

Many happy returns, sister!

xoxoxo

Ophelia

greengirl91's picture

It is exactly like that

May 3, 2012 - 3:04pm — greengirl91

It is exactly like that Ophelia, I am alone, and realised recently now, that I have always been that way, and that I AM entitled to feel angry, and that is Not about me, that these disordered people will never see me as Worthy, will never SEE me for me, no matter how much I hurt myself, or how low I get. They don`t care.

But like you said, the room of my soul it is empty now, but with time I hope I will fill it, with many, many beautiful things..wishes..passions, dreams..

Thank you for the wishes, much love!

Trainwreck56's picture

The VOID is what he left you with!

April 26, 2012 - 5:06pm — Trainwreck56

He was nothing is nothing but they create a very perverse sense of reality to us when they are around!

Fill that void with hopes and dreams for YOU!!

You will be fine, just more spin off from the shit sandwich
they served us!

HUGS & HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO YOU...
nc

TW

greengirl91's picture

Trainwreck, your post made me

May 3, 2012 - 3:12pm — greengirl91

Trainwreck, your post made me think when I read it, because it rings so TRUE!

Yes, that is exactly what he left me with..and not only him..I have discovered that between him and my father there are many similarities, not with the OW cruelty or such..but with the LACK of everything!! He never was there emotionally for me, just like this void, all my life!

No wonder I kept searching in all the wrong people..I was searching for SOMETHING where it always was NOTHING.

Truth hurts but it also sets us free.

Thank you for the wishes, you`re a sweetheart!

Janie53's picture

Happy Birthday Greengirl

April 26, 2012 - 3:11pm — Janie53

I think your insight will carry you far. The narc in our lives is really symbolic for other things we have to deal with. My psychopath is long gone, but I'm discovering things about myself, my past as well as my future now. As hard and difficult as it is, I'm confident it will being us to a much better place.
Hang tight, do the work, and the new and refreshed you will be fabulous!

Stay true!
Janie

greengirl91's picture

Thank you very much Janie! I

April 26, 2012 - 3:29pm — greengirl91

Thank you very much Janie!

I hope so too, I hope it will all be worth it one day even if now at times we don`t see the point.

It`s an interesting journey to say at least! Painful at times, but also peaceful and happy as well..

Thank you, and best wishes to you as well!

sadderbutwiser's picture

hey happy birthday!

April 26, 2012 - 2:08pm — sadderbutwiser

i know what you mean. sometimes i just feel like i am going through the motions. just take one day at a time. it will get better. we are all strong people on here. someday these freaks will be a distant memory, so just keep doing the little things that make you happy. let's not keep allowing these jerkwads to ruin our days.

greengirl91's picture

Thank you very much Sadderbut

April 26, 2012 - 2:56pm — greengirl91

Thank you very much Sadderbut wiser!

knighty2035's picture

Wow....

April 26, 2012 - 1:47pm — knighty2035

That was beautifully written. Happy belated birthday to you, I hope your journey brings you peace and joy. Personally I think there are some who have the gift of singleness, and some who don't. Since most of us as humans are designed to desire relationship with others, that feeling of a void is real. And I'm not even sure one should try to NEVER feel it if a relationship is what they desire. I should think the work is not in BEING alone for the sake of ALONE, it's to figure out who we are so we can make a more appropriate choice in a partner as opposed to taking and accepting someone JUST because we would rather not be alone. I am newly out of my marriage and my divorce date isn't until July 23rd (2 days before what would have been our 15th anniversay) and the way you put this... hit the nail on the head for me.

greengirl91's picture

Thank you Knighty! I hope the

April 26, 2012 - 2:54pm — greengirl91

Thank you Knighty! I hope the same for you.

I`m glad you liked my post, for me recovery was and still is a long, slow process, and sometimes I just want to speed things up, only to fall.

I guess all things have to be made at some point. I`m learning small new things everyday, and I try to move forward.. because the past is the past, and whatever is done is done.

Narc parents, N lovers, well, I try to distance myself from all that and stay in the present, in MY present. One day at a time.

Much strength and peace to you too in your journey! There`s a long way to Happy, but there is out there for us too, I hope.

Sparrow's picture

Happy birthday my beautiful

April 26, 2012 - 1:45pm — Sparrow

Happy birthday my beautiful friend! How did I miss that day?

If I was there, I would sing these lyrics to you......

"On the day that you were born, the angels got together, and decided to create a dream come true."

You are an amazing young woman with sooooo much to look forward to in life. Don't let this "Gilligan" dude get you down for too much longer. Let him be someone elses problem.

Start enjoying life to it's fullest again my friend. You have no idea what lies ahead. Get yourself together now, put the anniversary of your birth behind you and start this new year off with a bang!

Happy, Happy birthday and many many more!

xoxoxo

greengirl91's picture

Omg, thank you so so

April 26, 2012 - 2:34pm — greengirl91

Omg, thank you so so much!!

Your post made me giggle and smile..thank you for all the wishes!

I have gotten off online social sites, and that has been a quite peaceful birthday, but what better place to celebrate than here with you friends :)

Ahh, I gotta read again that part with the Gillian description, it`s hilarious!

Hugs to you, and thank you!

x

chris53's picture

Happy belated Birthday! :-)

April 26, 2012 - 1:30pm — chris53

Happy belated Birthday! :-)

greengirl91's picture

Thank you Chris! Wish you the

April 26, 2012 - 2:38pm — greengirl91

Thank you Chris!

Wish you the best journey on forward, and thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I hope this void will be filled in time, with lots of good stuff, but we gotta do the work, for Us, not for anyone else.

I hope we will all meet and celebrate at the Light end of the tunnel some sunny day!

chris53's picture

Hang in there GreenGirl, I

April 26, 2012 - 1:29pm — chris53

Hang in there GreenGirl, I know the feeling I have been 16 days NC but that because my EX-Narc is away on a europe cruise with his wealthy OW. I tried not to think about them together. I'm trying to move forward but I still feel that empty feeling like there a void in my life that I can't seem to shake. I know that day will come when I do find hapiness again and I have to believe I have to make my own happiness and you will do the same for yourself. :-)