Everyone is NOT a full blown N. He may have N features or components. There are plenty of men out there who are not great husbands for one reason or another who are not Narcs. This man does not fit the criteria to be a total N. The bottomline though, is he does not make Jane happy and she does not feel comfortable in the marriage and HE does not seem particularly interested in compromise or change.

God bless,
Goldie

What you describe sounds like narcissism. But, at the end of the day, he is an 'ex' for a reason. ;)

So, whether he is a narcissist or not...whether we all collectively agree on that or not, is honestly not relevant. What IS relevant is how did the relationship make you feel? Did YOU have to change to accomodate him? Were you lost in it? Did you find that you didn't matter much, on most days? Were you crying and confused a lot?

To me. It is important to understand narcissism from the vantage point of...you can't make it better. Like in normal relationships...if one person is having a bad day/week, etc...the other can be comforting, and bring a smile back to that person. That is in essence what healthy lovers do for each other. They support one another, and feel the other's pain so much so, that he/she wants to help that person out of their pain. And that person WANTS TO BE HELPED by their partner.

With a narc, there is not bad day, week, etc. It's just always an unpredictable bad time. And if you find yourself to blame by them a lot, most likely they are a narcissist.

So understanding the disorder, is key to letting go, and realizing...there was nothing YOU could do to help him. He is the way he is, and he will be this way with the next chick, and on and on and on. That is truth. That's why they go through multiple marriages a lot, because they are incapable of change. And knowing that they cannot change, helps us as people who were with them to know that we were loving, and they just are not capable of reciprocating. So, understanding narcissism can help you let go of the ghost.

That said again. If you look back, you will see the relationship was very toxic. It sounds like maybe you still love this person, and are looking for answers so you fall out of love with him. If he never loved you, you think...well, then, I can let go of this. The reality is. Your love was real. And it's ok to hurt from these losses.

NC doesn't mean we forget about the person, or forget we loved them. NC is to heal from the abuse, and to make sense of what we were in love with-an abuser/narcissist.

To me, your ex sounds like a pile of work. lol Very exhausting. Very little joy you most likely had. So, be thankful he's out.

Not all men are exhausting (unless they're amazzzzing in bed, and then that's a great thing! lol) Not all men, are this taxing, and selfish, and dramatic.

So, you deserve better, at any rate. But, let go of the notion that you need to label him in order to move on. Whether he would be clinically diagnosed as a narc or not, really doesn't matter to your healing, personally. I think that the longer you go NC, he will fade away. And it won't matter anymore, what he meant by this or that or the other thing. Your life will be about you, and not him and what he did or didn't do.

But, this is all part of healing. I hope this helps a bit. Hugs for you!

Janemarie, at this point in the game, do you really need to "define" him? From where I am sitting, you are divorced, for a reason, and you are healing, or attemtping to. He was your husband, he IS your childrens Father. And will be a part of their life, and yours, for the rest of your life.

The bigger picture here, is not concerning yourself as to whether or not he is a narcissist. It is concerning yourself with healing, and accepting that the marriage did not work for a reason, and now the two of you must co-parent together, as you have been. It was not until your encounter with the narc ex-boyfriend that you even began to wonder if your ex-husband is a narc. At this point, it is irrelevant. You don't have to live with him, you don't even have to like him, but you do have to co-parent your boys.

You struggle with whether he loved you or not. Please don't, it is the past, look towards the future and attempt to only change what needs to be changed within you to avoid this from happening again. Besides, searching for the truth, the answers many times is very painful. Why bother. It is what it is, and we can only forge forward.

One of my favorite quotes:

I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it.

In my opinion, he mistreated you, by disrespecting you. He did not make your needs a priority, he put him self first. Doesn't make him a monster, it just makes him not an "ideal" husband. Measure him now as the only way you can and should........Is he a good Father to your boys? The rest is irrelevant.

I gess I will leave this better up to th veterans...but as I remember correctly me contolled the money and the decison makeing as well as the stuff you posted here today?

The compliments quickly followed by the insights. RED FLAG if you ask me.

I think the bottom line is we just know something is off and this person is not healthy for us. I guess we don't need an actual written diagosis from some psychiatrist. We only need to know we are miserable with them and they do not know how to have a healthy relationship.

From now n, first RED FLAG I see.....I am outta there. No excuses, no more maybe he was just having a bad day. I am out and running fast!

Love you, hope this helps. Don't need to figure them out, figure out US out and we are on The Path Forward.