Part of recovery is understanding that the person you were with is disordered....and once you get over the shock of that, then you can learn about it and understand it so you can move on. I've been rereading Lisa's book and Im having a hard time about my exh.
My Narc exboyfriend.....textbook...he meets every characteristic.....
But the exhusband.....I go back and forth..
Whether he is or isnt a Narc, (as Hunter once told a member) he is an asshole, but I want to know so I can understand that he is disordered and never loved me. It would be easier to know this than to think he does/did love me but is just an asshole....ya know what I mean?!?!?
He never cheated...flirted but never cheated and wasnt even really good at the flirting cause he is on the shy side...not very good social skills.
He was jealous and hated EVERYONE....even my family...especially my mother who I was very close to.
Lisa's brainwashing section of her book is him to a T...
He would bitch to me about buying me gifts but then he would buy me something thoughtful after the fact (very contradictory of himself)
He was an anxious man who hated change...this is why he never wanted to get married, buy a house, or have children (we did all 3)
He never had an outburt of anger, but when he got mad he would be sarcastic and condescending.
I was his world...meaning that he always had to do things WITH me. He would have loved nothing more than to move us to a deserted island where it could just be us.
And sex...he wanted it all the time...even though he had issues with "finishing the task". He wasnt selfish...enjoyed taking care of me but when he couldnt finish it was my fault. He needed porn!!
He can be extremely generous and then the complete opposite (very contradictory)
He would tell me how beautiful I was...then make fun of the way I looked (too fat or something)...he would tell me what a sweetheart I was...then call me a spoiled bitch who will never be satisfied. He would tell me what a wonderful mother I was..then tell me how selfish I was because I wanted to go out every now and then with my girlfriends (all married friends with kids) ...Again...very contradictory and inconsistant!!
Today we are divorced and one day he acts like my best friend and the next day I am his enemy!!!
What is this guy?? Does/Did he love me? I often felt as though I was the only person he ever truely loved in his life...well..me, the kids and HIS family. And although I left him because I couldnt take how awful he made me feel about myself as a person, mother and wife, I feel guilty for my children and him because I feel I ruined their lives!
I can characterize him as sweet, endearing, polite, and generous and then I can characterize him as cruel, mean, sarcatcic, condescending, and evil......
This is and has been my battle with him!!!!!
Help me understand and see him clearly!!!!!