WhoamInow's Story

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#1 Apr 25 - 6PM
WhoamInow
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WhoamInow's Story

Who am I now? My story

Hello all,
I am a new comer here and have been reading a lot of the posts on this site and have been loving the stories and responses. It has inspired me to write my own story finally. I am about 1 year out of the break-up with my Narcissist ex-boyfriend.

(I am putting this post under "Share my story" Because it is my first time posting anything. Though I wrote it for the "General audience" who have been here for awhile.
If you think I can share it in a better spot let me know.)

Ohh… where to begin?
I’ve never been much of a writer. Quite frankly, I have never been that interested in writing. Maybe a few journal entries here and there, or for a class I had to take in college. But there is nothing like a run-in with a Narcissistic lover to get the old juices flowing.

This is a story I have to write. A sad, life changing story that needs to be written, even if it’s just for me. So please excuse the poor use of the English language. I’ll do the best I can.

About 4 years ago, I met this beautiful, spiritual man, who was not like anyone I have ever come across in my entire 38 years on this planet. He was so sweet, handsome, sexy, attentive, caring, wanting to be loved, and completely taken by me. We seemed to have so much in common, and I had such a wonderful time when we were together. I couldn’t get enough of him and it seemed that way for him too.

Even though I was a “mature woman” who has been through many a failed relationship with the accompanying heartbreak, and was being careful not to rush into anything with this man, I was enthralled to no end.

Yes, he was 8 years younger than me, and I knew deep down from the start that something was “off” about this guy. Why would a handsome 30-year-old man (boy) be so into having a relationship with me? Telling me he loves me?... Ignore, ignore, denial….This must be the universe finally bringing me the lover that I wanted. The perfect guy for me that I had written about in a list of traits I kept in my underwear drawer.

Thank-you! Thank-you! Universe.

Yeah…thank-you universe. : -/

I have no children (by choice) and I love my job as a book cover designer (among other things) for a publishing company in the medical industry. I have an open schedule when I am not dealing with pressing deadlines. I have no real pressing obligations and have lots of time on my hands to pursue the pleasures in my life like; Camping, hiking, golfing, traveling, art projects. ect…
So, to have a man in my life as a companion and a true friend who can enjoy those things with me is ideal. And this guy really fit the bill. To add to the excitement, he was an avid rock climber, so I took that up as well.
(That paragraph sounds like an online dating profile) haha

How could I walk away from someone like this? Even though my soul, my body, was screaming at me that something wasn’t quite right? God I wish I would have listened to my higher self, my intuition, but I couldn’t. …or wouldn’t. I shoved all the warning signs and red flags under the rug. He has to be the “one”!

But eventually, the light poke in my side became a brick to the head.

About 3 years into our relationship, he was explaining away how he needed to take this trip to South East Asia for six months before he settled down to find a job with his newly acquired bachelors degree in Civil Engineering. This is something he has wanted to do for many years. And since we were living together for the past year in my one bedroom little house, he could finally do it. “O.K. great” I said, secretly looking forward to having time to myself.

I couldn’t go with him. (he never really asked me to). The economy was in the shitter, and there was no way I was going to leave my great job to travel around India with nothing but a backpack for six months.

There was no way!
Thank god I didn’t get sucked into that disaster.

At the time, I was feeling really low in energy and was incredibly insecure, and couldn’t figure out why. I was looking forward to having time on my own to figure out what was going on with me. I thought this time away would help us both get clear about what we were doing and how to move forward or not.

Looking back, I realize I knew something was wrong, and it would never be the same again. We were on the decline in our relationship. As a result, I pulled away from him energetically and just focused on my life and myself while he was gone.
Yet still having hope that we could somehow work it out when he got back. Yeah….total denial at that point.

Little did I know that this was what he was feeling from me too. I was no longer his main supply source and I think as a result of being in foreign lands with no supply or very little supply, he had a narcissistic breakdown (injury) and was making me the scapegoat.

There are so many things I can’t touch on in this post, because I don’t want it to be excruciatingly long. But believe me when I say, I spent many a month trying to figure out what happened to bring me to the conclusion that he was in fact a Narcissist.

The beginning of the end:
February 12th 2011, I get an email from Sri Lanka from the man I thought I loved and was standing by. Who I thought loved me and would be devastated if I wanted to leave him, wrote that he no longer thought we had anything in common, and was asking himself why he wanted to leave such and incredible woman who showed him nothing but unconditional love. He proceeded to tell me (in the email) he loved me but didn’t feel love was enough to keep him in the relationship. He actually said that he realized he was just in love with the “idea of me.”

“What the f… is he talking about?” I said to myself. Nothing in common? Are you f-ing kidding me? The idea of me? My head was reeling.

Yes, we had issues that needed to be worked out, (The main issue being that it was ALL about him ; -) I was more than willing to compromise and come to a win-win solution. But it seemed he wanted to just move on and not work on it at all. That is when I fully started feeling the Devalue and Discard. Something I have never, EVER felt from a long-term partner in my entire life. D&D is the CREEPIEST feeling in the world. To this day I am awe struck that happened to me.

Down devastation road I went and have never really been the same since.

I’ve lost track of the time once I finally decided I would not take the silent treatment and control based emotional abuse anymore.
Best guess, about 5 months No contact as of today.

It took me almost eight months after that email to figure out I was dealing with a “Spiritual,” (yeah right) passive aggressive, full blown Narcissist.

Fast forward to today. I am light years in my recovery from where I was a year ago. 5 months ago, I wrote him a good-bye letter and sent it through email. I was in my “ANGRY” stage at the time and really let him have it. Throwing all the bullshit he put me through right back onto him. Telling him I thought he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that he needed to get help. That I didn’t want anything to do with him and to stay away from me from now on.

I haven’t heard a peep from him, and that is the way I want it.
These Narcissistic people are such COWARDS! He will never contact me. I made it very clear that I will never be a supply source for him again.

Again, I am skipping over many parts of the story for the sake of this post. There were many instances and circumstances that made me think he had something REALLY wrong with him. But, if you have been reading the posts on this site, we all know that they are basically all alike. He was a textbook narcissist for sure.

So, as my username states, Who am I now?
Good question.
As far as I can tell, I am a self-aware, scarred yet wiser woman, who now knows what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is, and will never be a sucker or a doormat for one of those sick human beings ever again. My recovery is still going on. As much as I wish I could just forget the last few years of my life, and move on like the narcissist so easily did, I can’t just yet.
I was abandoned and basically thrown in the trash by a man who I thought loved me and who I deeply loved. I am picking up the pieces left of me, and trying to rebuild.
It’s going to take more time… I’ll get back to you on that one.

My story here may not warrant any responses from anyone, but I would love to hear if it at least made someone think about a similar circumstance in their own experience.

Thank-you for reading this, and to anyone out there still freshly reeling from the horrific experience of Narcissism, my heart goes out to you in all sincerity.

I hated hearing that “time heals all wounds,” but, being a year through myself, I know that it really is true. The unfortunate thing with narcissistic abuse is that it takes LOTS of time. So be patient with yourself and go as slowly as you need to get through… At least that is what I am doing.

Love to you all.

Apr 27 - 10PM
bluegirl
bluegirl's picture

having "nothing in common" is

Apr 27 - 8PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

WhoamInow

Apr 26 - 10AM
spinning
spinning's picture

You know what, whoaminow?

spinning

Apr 27 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
WhoamInow
WhoamInow's picture

What a lovely response

Apr 26 - 1AM
Kitty Kate
Kitty Kate's picture

Thank you for your story.

Apr 26 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
WhoamInow
WhoamInow's picture

Thank YOU Kitty Kate I really

Apr 25 - 8PM
courlie
courlie's picture

Your story sounds almost

Apr 26 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
WhoamInow
WhoamInow's picture

Thanks for the response

Apr 25 - 6PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville..Same