lynsey's story

rug from under my feet

I have spent the last almost 9 years trying to figure out what has happened to myself and my life.
I met this person when i was 20 years old and had just come out of my first ever relationship. Looking back i was drawn to the "mystery" surrounding him and his arrogant behaviour. The fact that he surrounded himself by people (mostly women i think about it) The fact that he ignored me, i felt instantly drawn to him and started to look up to him for being well travelled, older and "street wise"
Looking back i had led a very sheltered life and took everything that people said and did at face value. I had not experienced "bad" people or "bad" experiences and believed that what people said they meant, i took everybody at face value including him.
He had pursued me for a couple of weeks and i had eventually agreed to go on a date with him. Looking back at all these behaviours really should have been a warning sign. On our first date he had ignored me and i had sat in the back of the taxi feeling very nervous with him in the front talking to the driver. He over the months had told me about his life and how he had lived in america for a short period as a teenager as his father was american he i suppose described himself as the black sheep of the family and years later i can recall talking to his mother during a break up whom told me in not so many words that he had always been different and "thrived on praise"
During the initial stages of the relationship he sporadically decided he did not want to be with me for various reasons including " i spent too much time with my family/friends" he even became jelous of the time i spent with my horse that i had at the time. This i suppose was where the cycle began. He would often give me ultimatums and time scales on certain things he wanted. His standards
were so high that i think on reflection noting or nobody would have been able to match this but himself. It was as if he would give me everything just to take it all away without any reason or answers leaving me confused and crushed each time. During these periods he would be with numerous other girls who "all wanted to be with him" who were attractive and successful.
During this period he would often use me for money or when he was lonely. He told me my family didnt take me seriously. That my friends were using me . It appears everytime i was trying to pull myself back again he would drag me down. He insulted me when i was out with friends, made up rumours mentally and physically tortured me in many many ways that i feel to raw to talk about. This all affected my self confidence my relationships with my famliy, friends and my core belief about people in general. I often over these years felt i had depression and was "stuck" trying to work out his behaviour blaming myself and feeling unhappy and sad. I never gave anybody else a chance in my life and became "hardened"
He would often talk about these girls to me afterwards in a very sexually derogatory way saying "he couldnt look at them after he had been intimate with them as he had lost all respect for them"
He had moved abroad without telling me he was going until the very last minute. He would often dangle the "carrot" for me to often snatch it all away blaming myself for his behaviour saying things that included "your cold, youve pushed me away, you nag me"

Even when he left i was unable to break this cycle and attempted to have a relationship with somebody else who also abused me in a similar way i now feel because i had a low threshold for this type of behaviour.
I was addicted to him and what he gave me which was to feel wanted loved accepted. I also felt like i could save him and change him as i was the only person he had ever loved (little did i know this was untrue as the only person he loved truly was himself)
I spent years of being controlled even from a different country and then following different parts of the country. He had assured me he had changed and spent a year of consistency and devotion proving to me otherwise until i let my guard down and accepted him to which he ran a mile. He went from being kind considerate loving interested to cold rude uninterested nasty offensive leaving me thinking what had happened all over again.
I read the book " its all about him" and it was as if a light bulb had went on in my head. It was as if somebody had been sitting on my shoulder writing this book during the last 9 years. I felt enlightenment and finally had answers to all the questions i had wanted for so long. I have now realised that this person is not capable of loving anybody other than himself. That he will never leave me alone as long as i give him his supply which i have for many many years now. The questions i have now are how do i keep him out of my life without buckling as i did a few weeks ago when he turned up at my door crying "he needed me and everybody at work was against him, he had felt too stressed to be there for me" yet he now wanted me to be there for him and as i didnt respond in the time scale or how he expected he reeled me in again only to "throw " me away again. The problem is i start to feel sorry for him, and that maybe i need to clarification that he does want me after he has thrown me away. He knows my insecurities better than myself after all he created them. Any contact with him is like poison to me and i end up feeling used resentful confused hurt let down and put down. He has made me question myself and my confidence has gone but i now see i have to make the very final break from this person before i am here again in another 9 years time