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Little voice in my head
Ophelia
Member since:
1 year 15 weeks
1 year 15 weeks
Last activity:
31 weeks 54 min
31 weeks 54 min
Little voice in my head
Posted April 25, 2012 - 10:44pm
It's been a very rough few days. There's a lot going on right now, my non-N husband and I filed our divorce papers a couple of days ago and he's moving out tomorrow, moving to a new job far away on the other side of the country. We end on good terms and will stay in touch and I told him he is always welcome to come back here and visit, and visit our pets.
The emotionality of this time is making me susceptible to thoughts of my narc, from whom I have gone NC since late January. Although ours was a LDR he was always "there" for me, on the phone, via email, to support me through the challenging times (even though I tried to avoid crying on his shoulder much). I have been missing him and idealizing him in spite of his unconscionable behavior toward me. It's been a struggle to remind myself of his nastiness because I'm feeling so alone right now with husband leaving, and no one to hold me and comfort me.
Anyway tonight out of the blue, a little voice came into my head and said Ophelia (not my real name) you are never going to be able to heal and move on until you forgive that bastard. If you don't forgive him, you are holding a connection with him that will sap your life and your energy. You must be able to forgive him to move on and focus exclusively on you and your healing.
Holy crap, where did that come. Has anyone else come to such a realization, and did it help?
I've never understood the concept of forgiveness, frankly, but all of a sudden I have a feeling it might be necessary, for this worst of emotional rapes, and it bowls me over. Not to say that what he did was right or responsible or adult or ethical. That's different.
Now...if he approached me and asked me to forgive him I might send him away without answering, but I could conceivably just forgive him in my mind. It may just be an additional way of dissolving the psychic cord.
Would be interested in hearing anyone else's experience with forgiveness. I know it's difficult for some and completely understand that.
Love
Ophelia
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Ophelia, dearheart, this subject
April 26, 2012 - 9:06am — spinningstrikes a chord with me because I work on this concept often.
There are two things that have helped me make progress in this regard, both sent to me by my wise and dear aunt, who is my mentor and spiritual guide and such a blessing in my life.
Here is how I "forgive" when it comes to the Freak (maybe one day I won't have to call him names any more too!); but most importantly myself.
This is from my aunt, and I think it aligns with that little voice you heard:
"Forgiveness is the willingness to free yourself and others from the role of abuser in your life. When you forgive someone, you are not condoning their actions, but you are RELEASING them from perpetuating the ENERGETIC PATTERN that has caused you pain. In every situation where forgiveness is necessary there is an abuser role and a victim role. You have chosen one or the other of these parts in order to learn a certain set of lessons about the polaraties of the dynamic that is being played out. The only way that you can release youresel from the part htat you have chosen is through forgiveness of yourself and the others involved. This simply means that you RELEASE them from having to play their role for you any longer..." --Naisha Ahsian.
Another forgiveness concept that has helped me immensely (mostly to release myself, and I suppose in the process the abuser) and it comes from Oprah. I am paraphrasing:
"Forgiveness is letting go of the thought that the outcome could have been any different."
I hope this helps, dear Ophelia. I want us all to be FREE.
Love,
(not) spinning. AND SO VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT
Spinning
April 26, 2012 - 9:17am — Janie53"Forgiveness is letting go of the thought that the outcome could have been any different."
And, this is my very problem....
Stay true,
Janie
Everyone feels differently in
April 26, 2012 - 6:55am — SparrowEveryone feels differently in regards to forgiveness. It is a personal choice and one that only you can decide for yourself if it is necessary or not. I explored the concept myself many moons ago. I am a pretty reasonable person, and throughout my life, have been extremely forgiving to many. I made my choice after much consideration and decided there was only one person to forgive, and that was me.
He is not worthy of my forgiveness, nor is he worthy of me. Forgiving someone takes a lot of emotional effort on ones part, the only effort he made, was to make my life a living hell, so no, he does not get my forgiveness.
Others can forgive, because they feel it will set them free, and that is true. I forgave myself and set myself free. It is all a personal preference.
Good luck.
I think Ophelia
April 26, 2012 - 6:15am — SnowflakeIts a personal choice BUT I do think when something comes out of the blue/unusual happens you should listen to it..
When a close friend of mine died unexpectedly 5 years ago I was so distraught I shut every emotion inside of me..I would sit just looking out of the window at nothing on my own. One day a little bird flew right up to the window sill, sat on the window and just sat there looking right at me.
Now its a tiny sill, the bird even though little had to squash on to look at me.
I have never seen that happen before or since and it was really strange..
I think the naggy/you are not good enough voices need to be shut up but just sometimes something pops into your head that feels like its not even you talking/or you see something really strange and those are the things you should take note of.
I am a believer in the afterlife and energy of the universe..I know its not everyones cup..but sometimes in the midst of the storm a calming moment comes like magic, tells its story then disappears forever.
Like my little bird x
Hi Orphelia My thoughts are
April 26, 2012 - 4:30am — MissKHi Orphelia
My thoughts are with you. I was at a health retreat last week and the lady in charge said the same thing. She said you must forgive in order to move on no matter how much the Narc hurt you. I think she may be right! I miss the good memories with my Narc but they were in the first four years. I have a journal for the last four and they are horrific. Keep visiting this site to remind yourself of the circumstances you are in. Everything happens for a reason and there must be something better out there about to happen.
Good luck!
Yes
April 26, 2012 - 2:07am — Kitty KateThanks for sharing. I completely understand! I think forgiveness is an act that we can do for ourselves in order to let go and come to peace with situations and people in our lives. Forgiving someone else is not about them, it is about us and moving on. We come to peace with a situation and find healing, at least that is what I have experienced.
It is remarkable to feel the freedom and love when you forgive. I have experienced an opening up and trust. Its as if I will not allow the pain of my past to drag me down or cripple my future. Forgiving has helped me move on and my ex leaves my mind and has no hold over me anymore. I don't feel drawn to him once I have forgiven him. I can take what I've learned and drop the pain. I still have a ways to go as I haven't fully put this into practice or fully forgiven him but it is comforting. The voice of your true spirit was certainly speaking to you. <3
Forgiveness...No
April 25, 2012 - 11:42pm — aceoneladyI understand some members here are able to...Unfortunally i cannot forgive him...he also did destroy his now 19 year old daughter by abusing her,and blaming her by saying she seduced him...she went to the police,but he left home,had a pre trail,and they did let him go,unpunished...ido not forgive him,he is evil.i hope he rot in hell.
Yes, Ophelia
April 25, 2012 - 11:28pm — WinterI had (have) exactly the same thoughts as you. I think forgiving free me. I feel it both: intellectually and emotionally.
The concept of forgiveness? The way I understand it: it is not to hold bad feelings toward others. Not wishing them any bad. To me, it comes naturally.
When you forgive, the person becomes less important. You put it nicely: break connections. Holding anger or resent represent the connections we keep with them. What we want to reach is an absolute indifference. Right?
Love
Winter
Ophelia, so sorry about this
April 25, 2012 - 11:02pm — JourneyOphelia, so sorry about this sad time for you. I am glad you are at a place of peace with your husband as you step into this new chapter of your life.
Forgiving the N, I can relate to what you are saying. For me, a lot did change for the better when I got to the place where I could accept his disorder and in that respect, could forgive him for what he has little control over in general, though some of the specifics have been harder to accept in the same way.
I think what was even more important has been forgiving myself for letting him have so much power over me and my life to have allowed some of the specifics to occur in the first place.
Regardless, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting and it does release some of the past's hold on our present. Ultimately, that is what matters most if we want to move forward. xo
and if the little sucker is geting annoying
April 25, 2012 - 11:11pm — phantom adorationsend him My way as I am primed for some kick as I am Primed for some kick ass.g'night ladies
Night phantom! Sleep tight!
April 25, 2012 - 11:14pm — OpheliaNight phantom! Sleep tight!
Hmmm, forgive him? Why should
April 25, 2012 - 11:00pm — Janie53Hmmm, forgive him? Why should I forgive someone who tried to destroy both me and my family? No way in hell. The only person I need to forgive is myself and I'm not sure if that will happen.
I need to stay true to me now. He stole enought! He gets nothing else.
Stay true and do what works best for you!
xixoxox
I tried it,
April 25, 2012 - 10:53pm — ruby01but couldn't do it.
I can't forgive someone who tries to destroy me.
I do know that with most
April 25, 2012 - 10:46pm — bluegirlI do know that with most healing programs forgiveness is a huge step. I have not always accomplished that one, especially with a predator you have to watch out for every day of your life.
Predators, emotional
April 25, 2012 - 10:49pm — OpheliaPredators, emotional vampires, yes, they remain dangerous and care must be taken. I would definitely remain NC even if I forgave. It's a spiritual forgiveness--doesn't mean I'd give him the time of day if he asked for it.
Listen up
April 25, 2012 - 10:53pm — phantom adorationIt does not matter where the voice comes from, try it you have I'm thinking nothing to lose.
I think we all will determine our own individual path while on this path.
I am hoping the only voice I hear is the one telling me to forgive myself.
Just saying.
I will try it on for size and
April 25, 2012 - 11:01pm — OpheliaI will try it on for size and see how it works. You're right, there is nothing to lose.
I could never forgive myself because I don't feel there's anything to forgive. I loved someone with everything I had. Good strong love. He wanted that. He said he wanted it. We were just getting started, really, after eight months. I would have given him the moon and stars. I loved in good faith, and did nothing wrong. I don't feel I need to forgive myself at all.
I hate the idea of forgiving him, but in this case it may be necessary. We'll see. But if I do, he'll never know about it.
Ophelia...did u know I
April 26, 2012 - 12:19am — bgirlOphelia...did u know I actually wrote him a forgivenes type letter whilst I was in the middle of all of the worst pain. No one around me could understand why I did it....I was fast forwarding in my head, gathering ALL of my core values and virtues at once and I wrote him the most honest, heartfelt forgiving words....they were all for ME not for him. I did it for me.
Good luck with whatever you feel comfortable with xxx
X
B