But Im guessing THIS is what it feels like to have withdrawls. It seems most days have been pretty good but then the obssessing comes in where I feel like if I can have just ONE more hit it will all be ok. Of course I will NEVER go back to my narc or contact him but WOW its crazy to me how I have always said to all my friends and family that I felt Addicted to him for soo long. I can now understand Druggies a little more its HARD to stay AWAY.
I have been trying to write all the bad things i have been through with my narc and it really is helping me see the REALITY of our "relationship" Its so easy for me to remember the fantasy of what I thought we had. I go back and think of ALL the RED FLAGS that I just let go. I remember after i was dating him for about 3 months he once told me "I'm selfish..I lOVE myself!" I should have ran as fast as i could but I think I was thinking NO he loves me enough he will change. Fast forward a YEAR and nothing changed it only got WORSE of course.
The Meanest thing he did to me was a few months ago. My mom had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and was going to have a 15 hr surgery. I was alone in the waiting room while all my family had someone to hold there hand. My family hated him and he was not invited to hold my hand. He did text me ALL day saying how he wished he could be there for me and IF he had gas money he would have come seen me (it was about 30 miles away)...Its gets better....After texting me all day being VERY supportive I get a text that says.." I dont want to tell you this today but im leaving to Alabama TOMORROW ( we live in california)!!" After being with this man for a year and a half he busts this out on me THIS day of all days! He knew I could not come say goodbye I was with my mom. He left the next day with no goodbye no text nothing..3 days later he texts me. We made it. I was DEVASTATED i could barely even be there for my mom I was so sad this man I loved just left..not knowing when he would be back.He texted me from Alabama telling me he did it for ME that he didnt want that day to be about him..REALLY he did it all for me!! What a JACKASS!! When I look back now I feel sooo guilty for letting this man take soo much from me. I know they can be selfish but WOW I never saw that coming. I must say when im sad or missing him it really hits me that this man can and will NEVER change. Im feeling lucky to be awaken to all this with the help of all of you. I dont post much or comment much but im here EVERY day reading and reading it has truly helped me get through my hardest days. I thank you all for the support ive recieved. I have ALONG way to go but the fog is lifting and im happy for that.
Thank you all truly!!