i'm so sorry you lost a "friend" too. i too had a "close friend" betray me. she told another friend of mine that i was having an affair with the narc. i was shocked when my other friend told me. not only are we trying to get over the sick toxic relationship we had with the N, but we have to also get over the betrayal of others. it is a tough pill to swallow to realize that people suck so much. it does help to know that others are going through the same thing and that we are not alone. we will get better, but it is a long journey. Stay Strong with me!!

PS: You say that you fear other people look at you as if u are a freak or weird...

Do u see the outside validation you are seeking there? Looking for 'them' to define 'you.'

I tend to be like this without even realizing it because I was brought up to be ashamed of my own independent thoughts, feelings and actions.

I am now trying to rebuild B from scratch. I am only taking baby steps. This is about who I am and what I believe in and what I represent. No body else. Then perhaps I'll attract people into my life who like me for me. I will never do backflips or twist myself into a contortionist for another living soul ever again...

So who is Belle...who is she?

X
B

Belle...

I have changed. Absolutely.

For the first 8 or so months I truly went through what may be described by some as a dark night of the soul.
I barely wanted to be with myself let alone others.
I distance myself from my family and many of my 'friend's' because I was without a doubt in the throes of an emotional breakdown and they made me feel significantly worse. I had no room for 'feeling worse' than I already did. I was experiencing suicidal ideation and PTSD.
My recovery process has beenn excruciating slow...or I can look at it as 'I have a lot to process and learn,' which I most certainly do!
My family is toxic. I have NC with my father (N/P), no contact with my elder sister (N) and very LC with my mother (N) and other sister.
This is very very difficult but I had to make a choice to get real or stay in denial and keep living in a cycle of abuse....an environment I have always felt comfortable in.
So no I'm not the same. I've 'weeded' as Janie said below, all of the people in my life who 'want' me to be, act, feel or say what they want me to. Well no more.
I have to do what's best for myself and for my children.
I'm not sure if this helps or adds to your confusion but I thought I would share. I also could not have reached this conclusion without professional help, this forum and education from books, blogs and videos.
Hope u will be ok. Stay strong xxx
X
B

Sorry, one more thing. I'm 53 years old, and I just realized recently my father is a narcissit. Not only that, my only living siblings are as well. A sad truth but my reality. It answers many questions I had about myself for my entire life. I was set up to fail. No more! I'm going to post something I wrote the other day called weeds; I think you will understand.

I'm thinking of you!
Stay true!

xxxooo
Janie

My guess is you are suffering from PTSD. Please read a bit about it and mention it to your therapist.

Yes, a relationship with an N is like a rape. An emotional rape of your soul, no dramatics intended, it is what it is. And you need to seek the care of therapy or the continued care of therapy.

It is a serious matter and it needs to be addressed and worked on. Recovery of the soul isn't always as easy as other recoveries believe it or not.

Be strong and work through this. We are all here for you!

the answers inside of you...

"But how can anyone love me if I don’t love myself? I think those kind of issues drove me to the N in the first place…"

I know it sounds cliche and unfathomable, but your desperate need for love will vanish the moment you do love yourself.

Loving yourself takes practice and work. A commitment to focus on the good things you possess...the things that make you happy and feel good. You can start simply by making a list of your positive attributes...even if it's just one thing at the start. Promise yourself to write something on that list every day.

Do you enjoy cooking or baking? How about walking out of doors? Gardening, crafts, music? Do these things. Turn on the music and dance in your living room. Cook yourself a beautiful meal and get into all the shapes, fragrances and colors...

Climbing out of an experience with a disordered manipulator is like slogging uphill through mud. It takes a great deal of effort and dedication with the eye on the prize...which is the fact that you have this beautiful gift of life and you have survived. Be grateful for that and other things you have that make you feel good. I kept a gratitude journal that I started at about the four month mark and as tough as it was to find anything to be grateful about back then, I forced myself. The more I did it, the easier it was to find things to be grateful for and the more things came to make me feel grateful...It truly works that way.

As for the old friends, it's okay and understandable to let them go. Now is the time to shed all of the old patterns and behaviors that brought you pain. Unfortunately when we're feeling least like stretching out of our comfort zone, that is the time when we must. Join a study group, go to a night class or a support group and get out among new people.

Most of all, stop viewing yourself as flawed or freakish. If this is how you view yourself, this is how you project to the world and you will indeed have a self-fulfilling prohpecy.

You do not need a man or relationship to feel true joy or happiness. It comes from within, being grateful for life and enjoying every crazy thing about it.

I know this is all easier said than done. I have walked in your shoes and know the deep feeling of hopelessness and loss and feeling lost and unmoored. If I overcame it, so can you. And you do it just one little step, one little thing that you do for YOU at a time.

I hope this helps you some, Belle. This disordered experience does not define you. Don't allow it to! Reject it and let it all go as many times as you have to when those thoughts appear.

Be good to yourself and don't rush. Things will unfold as they should when you begin to make the changes.

Love,
(not) spinning AND SO VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT

to feel this way. He "raped" your soul over and over. And in my opinion, our soul is the nucleus to who we ARE!!! It is going to take time to find yourself again. I'm not there either but I am going to try my damnedest to get there!! Right now I am also numb to love, sex, having fun on weekends etc.. Though I want it so badly I believe it just takes time to heal.

I also know what you mean by thinking you might be becoming like him. When i DO go out I feel like I am just going through the motions with my friends. Just like a narc does. I try to be the same me they knew but I feel like I'm just acting like they want me to act... a total Narc trait. It's scary when I think of that possibility....God I would just die if that were true!!!

I think it is important to trust this site and the others that have walked the path to recovery before us. We need to listen diligently to every bit of feedback they give us. In just a short time I have found that they are here to guide and will NEVER judge us no matter how ridiculous or frustrating we think we are to them with our questions. It truly is a family here. This site gives new meaning to the phrase "Home, Sweet Home"!!

I believe it will get better as others here say to me on my posts. Have faith in yourself and the support you will receive. The positive is that it can't get any worse, right??? LOL

Let's do this together. Let's make a promise to each other and ourself that we can and WILL get back what the XN has taken from us...OUR SOUL!!! Unlike them WE CAN BE FIXED!!! Amen to that!!!!!

xoxo

LoserFree