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Happen to You
LoserFree
Member since:
1 year 3 weeks
1 year 3 weeks
Last activity:
17 weeks 5 days
17 weeks 5 days
Happen to You
Posted April 23, 2012 - 11:56pm
Before my N left me for OW 7 months ago I was always a person who loved to workout, and eat healthy, (I'm not mentioning my mind being healthy because that is a given SO NOT) Well...those days are gone. Just got done with a plate of cheese fries...total comfort food!! So as I see it, not only did he fuck me for OW, he fucked me for any man that would NOW find me attractive. Smart man, Eh?? Anyone else feel that way or is it just me?
LoserFree....Am I really??????
© E. Scott Enterprises | Lisa E. Scott
We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
The other way
April 25, 2012 - 5:36am — CaboNope - I lost myself with him and when I would try to get back into a groove of working out he would say "what, trying to get back into singles body shape" or comments like that. I think he liked having me not look the way I did when I met him. Helped keep his jealousy in check. I went the opposite and totally got back into the groove. Dropped almost 50 lbs and 5 pant sizes. I'm actually at my high school weight and vow never to let myself go again. Get "Insanity" by Beachbody ---it's the best and the results are amazing. It's a great way to tire myself out too so that I don't ruminate constantly. It was the ultimate slap in the face seeing him to sign our tax papers - he hadn't seen me for awhile so it was a good feeling. Fuck him.
That's awesome!!!!
April 25, 2012 - 11:02am — fallingfowardThat amazing!!!!! Your post inspires me to keep moving forward. YEA!!!!
Hugs
ff
Wow....that is AMAZING!! I
April 25, 2012 - 9:00am — LoserFreeWow....that is AMAZING!! I think it's awesome that you were strong enough to pick yourself up and get YOU back!!! Talk about getting power back....that was huge...and a total inspiration to me! Thank you..Thank you!! I will look for the Beachbody DVD...certainly won't forget the title of it!!! lol
I'm sure that slap in the face really had to STING!!! hahaha... That's right Fuck Him!!!
xoxo
LoserFree
This might sound I
April 24, 2012 - 4:06pm — Deidre99This might sound I dunno...trite. And by no means is this an easy fix. But, it can be helpful, when you're sort of in a hole with healing, and trying to find a way out.
Set aside time each day...EACH DAY...to mourn the loss of all this. To cry, vent, jot down feelings in a journal, etc. Then, once that timeframe is up? Get out and walk, run, join a gym....play tennis. Find something healthy to do RIGHT AFTER you do the mourning exercise.
I think what you will find, is as time goes on, the timeframe for your mourning will shorten, as you heal. You will be so excited about being healthy, and exercising...you will naturally eat better, sleep better...and he will slowly fade out into the mist.
But, I have done this also with procrastinating things. lol I have set a timer, if I'm procrastinating cleaning. I clean until the timer dings. Then, the next time I clean, I find that I go a little longer...AFTER the timer goes off. This is the reversal of what I'm suggesting, but the timer thing can work for you, too.
If you don't do SOMETHING, you will spiral down...further. And gain 50 lbs in the process, and then you'll spiral down more and more...jsut a vicious cycle of depression will ensue.
So starting tomorrow...try this exercise. Set aside time to sit and veg out, and think about the idiot. lol Cry, and mourn...and eventually, you will see. You won't want to do that much anymore. For you will have healed.
We have to mourn what happened. But, we don't have to let it take over our whole life. That's the key to healing. ;)
Deidree
April 24, 2012 - 5:21pm — Janie53Right now, I set the timer to think about me. There is no use in thinking about Mr. Invisible! He won't change but I'm working on being the best me possible!
Stay true!
xxxooo
Janie
Love it Deidre! I need to get
April 24, 2012 - 4:57pm — JourneyLove it Deidre! I need to get myself one of those timers - lol! Not for setting aside any part of my day to mourn anymore, but boy could I use some help getting motivated to clean house, do chores, complete/start projects, exercise...
I procrastinate WAY too much :)
Deidre, what an outstanding plan
April 24, 2012 - 4:12pm — spinningof action, simple and extremely do-able!
I hope a lot of members see this! It is outstanding and it is really taking action to resolve the issue/problem and then do something positive and constructive for ourselves!
Fantastic!
Love,
(not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT
(((spinning))) you're so
April 24, 2012 - 4:17pm — Deidre99(((spinning))) you're so sweet, always!
you know, i remember the hopeless/helpless feeling that accompanies all this...and it sucks! and it seems like you just can't crawl out of the hole. but, this is actionable, and if you do apply it (to cleaning too! lol or something you're putting off) it does work.
Like your brain sometimes needs to be convinced to do something different, I've read. Let's say you set the timer for 11am to noon, to mourn the narc. Then, around 5pm...you start feeling weepy again. Not saying you should stifle that, but your brain may make the connection...'hey, we already took time to do this today, let's not ruin the whole day crying over this jackass!'
and then, after say a few weeks, you may not succomb to those weaker moments.
just food for thought. i remember the feelings of despair. and confusion. and inability to focus on anything. ugh!
let's help each other out of the holes!
Loser Free
April 24, 2012 - 2:17pm — Janie53“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”
Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter
Stay true, it's up to you!
Janie
i like this janie! so true!
April 24, 2012 - 4:09pm — Deidre99i like this janie! so true!
Happen to me...
April 24, 2012 - 8:17am — aceoneladyWhen ex N let's say got me on his sights and claws on a divx music and movies site,i was 51,just slimmed 30 ponds after hearingi was suffering fro diabetis tybe B,i w2as fit ,full figured but beautiful,happy and sef assured...i looked (and still do 15 years younger than what i really am)he told me i was the bomb,sexy intelligent(i speak 7 languages)i can cook,i am funny i can be talkative but also quiet.2 years later i was arrogant,ugly ,old he ask me to stop dying my hair, i said no,he asked me to dress down,why should i have to wash my hair and put some make up daily?we had a long distance relationshipme Amsterdam,He oklahoma...me half brazilian half dutch he afro american...2 days after my arrival in Tulsa,after 2 years daily on Skype 10 hourds a day...(for me nights)he had sex with me he got ED and told me i was common,fat and disgusting...i know i am not...people there gave me a lot of compliments ,even women,young ,old...when doing groceries with him....he stopped toouching me,i got the silent tratment,he went online watching video clips with teen girls,you name it.He even told me if he saw me on the streets he would't even look at me....so i stayed 2 months and came back to Europe totally broken...2 years of crying,therapy,you name it.The third year i decided to work out,i did for a year and a half...i got an eating disorder and felt worst than never,because i still didn't achieved the body he said if i had it,everything would have been different...well i saw the woman he had before me,for 18 years ,the mother of his children...she looked older than my grandmother,no teeth only two big upper theeth and 2 under...i thought my God ,if he made me feellike i was nothing worth anymore,how that woman must be abused by him...i really feel sorry for her,she is destroyed by him...i saw also a picture how she looked like when they started living together...you wouldn't believe it was the same woman!since then,imanaged to keep NC,i stopped working out for 6 months,just re started today...FOR MYSELF....everytime i feel down,i look at her picture on Facebook then i SEE what a psychopaat does to women....incluiding his 19 year old daughter which he did abuse,she went to the police and he had to leave home....and he told me it was her FAULT...she seduced him...Fucking Baastard
omg, i'm so sorry you endured
April 24, 2012 - 4:01pm — Deidre99omg, i'm so sorry you endured this. it is very interesting, what happens to one's looks and health, upon staying with a psychopath for long.
i remember myself, being utterly exhausted. staying up late for him, to accomodate his schedule. not sleeping because i was worried if i was upsetting him in some way. anxious all day. heart racing. that's just not healthy. i can't imagine what years of living like that would do to me, had i stayed past the few months i dated him.
i think this is good you posted this, because it definitely can serve as a reminder as to what we will turn into, should we stay with these types.
He didn't force you to eat
April 24, 2012 - 7:36am — HunterHe didn't force you to eat fries.. Did he?
The reason we find a narc is because bigger things in our life are the real problem..
It's time for you to take responsibility for you, get to work and fix things.. That includes eating an apple instead of fries..
Hunter
You give the disordered
April 24, 2012 - 7:25am — SparrowYou give the disordered waaaay too much credit. He did not ruin you for other men. Please do not think that way, for if you do, you are toast before you even get out of the gate.
I just posted on my facebook this morning, a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, that applies to your post here this morning as well and I will share it with you......
"NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT"
Take your power back, you are leaving it in not only the wrong hands, but very incapable ones. Be strong, stay strong and read, read, read.
23 years in marriage to Mr
April 24, 2012 - 3:57am — freaked23 years in marriage to Mr Incompatible, price paid by losing my mind, my spirit, my prettiness...all gone
wishing NH would GO NOW...and leave me in peace. wait, before that I pray to the Universe to ensure financial comfort so that i can live well
I can relate
April 24, 2012 - 2:04am — sweetpeasarahto this in some ways too. Not so much the working out side of things (never been keen), but motivation to do anything seems to have left me! Im hoping its temporary too. Interests i had prior and even during relationship with toad dont hold my attention these days, i used to enjoy my job, but find that a chore too.
One thing i have noticed tho as the weeks post narc, is that i have this strange inner feeling that im SUPPOSED to be doing something life changing, its almost like ive been through the experiences of the last 3 years (not only narc, but cancer and bereavements) FOR A REASON, and that there is something profound in the wings, just not sure what it is! Im hoping as more time goes on that it will become clearerxx
Same
April 24, 2012 - 1:54am — DeestarrIm the same .... I put on 10kgs in the 2 years I was with exN and I think at least 2-3 of them are from the past few months since we ended. I have absolutely no motivation and he's made me feel like used goods so why would anyone else want to be with me. I hate him for making me feel like that.
And he still thinks he's fantastic and he's onto the next unsuspecting girl.
Thanks for that loser!
I have zero motivation to do
April 24, 2012 - 7:41am — LoserFreeI have zero motivation to do ANYTHING at all too!! I get up in the morning, drink my coffee and then lay on the couch the rest of the day obsessing about the LOSER!! Getting off this couch to do the regular day to day things I HAVE to do is a huge chore!
It's so sad how we slowly go from feeling like superior goods to used goods!! They chip away at us until there is nothing left. You said "so why would anyone else want to be with me"..... I totally get that statement!! I don't think a man will ever look my way and say to himself "Now that's one confident and sexy woman, I would love to meet her!!". I feel like every man will see me as the used up woman my XN wanted me to be when he finally discarded me for OW.
Like you said Deestarr...."Thanks for that Loser".
Love to all of us struggling to be LoserFree!!
Way too much emphasise is put
April 24, 2012 - 7:57am — SparrowWay too much emphasise is put on the "men" in the future. Men DO NOT define us, we define ourselves. You are unfortunately focusing too much on what they think of you or may think of you, and not enough time focusing on you.
This will be hard for you to hear, but I think it must be said, and please do not take this too harshly.......
You are using your experience with the N in your life as a crutch. You can not do this. He did what he did, because that is what he does. You have a choice to recover/survive this attack on your soul, or to give in to him and surrender. And surrendering is NOT an option.
The power is in you and only you. Are you really going to take what he did to you lying down? No way............change your attitude and change your life, starting NOW.
It can be done. There are many here that have recovered, and many here that are in recovery. The choice is yours my friend.
Sparrow I Do not think
April 24, 2012 - 1:12pm — LoserFreethat the men in the future will define me. I didn't intend for it to sound that way at all. What I meant is that before my XN I was vibrant, ate healthy, didn't drink too much, full of life, loved to go out of my way to brighten another person's day, had hobbies, confident, self motivated, had patience for my children, just a happy woman!! I loved what I saw when I looked in the mirror each morning. But he took that all away from me. When it was happening I didn't realize the end result would be the way I am now. Or that I was allowing him to take it away. When you don't know he is a Narc and you love and trust them you believe their words. You think that you ARE changing like they tell you..(becoming mean, argumentative, etc..). Why in a million years would one EVER think this man that put you on a pedestal would ever intentionally hurt you or be so cruel? So it must be true. And you try to fix yourself so that adoration he has for you never goes away! Why? Because it is the most incredible "high" you have ever felt in your life!
But then one day you wake up at your lowest point because you realize you were in over drive trying to make him believe you never changed....but he kicked you to the curb anyway. I could wear cement boots and never crack an eggshell. I learned that real quick!! I thought if I don't say anything and make it beyond pleasant what can he say I'm doing wrong now? But you see that didn't matter either. Because then they start creating fights and twisting things that never even happened. You look at them like what in the HELL are you talking about?? You end up walking away questioning yourself again...like did that really happen...am I a bitch and crazy like he says? Once again, why would you ever think he would make something like that up? He tells you he loves you more than the air he breathes, right?
It's only until you get on the computer and start searching for answers do you stumble across NARCISSISM........then it all starts to make sense. You are gasping as you read more and more! :You go thru the checklist of behaviors of a Narcissist and out of 20 you check off 18. Now you are sick because you want to find a therapist to help them and when you read further it says they are UNFIXABLE.. Now your world comes crashing down because you are so used to fixing everything for him in the past....but not this time. And then you start crying and saying why does he have to have this unfixable disorder...if he was just an asshole he could get counseling and get better. So you go into denial. Maybe he really isn't, this can't be who he is etc... Now you check other websites hoping for a different checklist or that he is fixable. But you are faced with the same checklist and same unfixable reality. You are already at at your lowest point (or you wouldn't be searching in the first place), and now you feel you life is OVER. You can't go back unless you want to take the constant abuse. And without him you can't possibly go on! But some of us still try to go back even with that knowledge. We tell ourselves maybe we're wrong...he can't be a narcissist. Not HIM...But after several attempts we slowly pull away more and more.
We all wonder and ask the same question. Why did he leave me if I adored him and gave him such great supply like he needed? The only answer that makes sense is that we WERE like that with them. And towards the end when we started searching we just didn't do it anymore. We were on to them and they knew it. The game could be played no longer!!
I will never let another man dictate who I am if I am fortunate enough to get my mind healthy again. Trust me if any future man tried to beat me down, I think it would be a natural reaction to projectile vomit in his face!!!!. I was only saying in my last post that I think men can see that I am used up because it's about how I feel right now in my head. And unless I get back to the old me that's all anyone is going to see. That's why I am here on this site with all you beautiful people that have supported me. I am learning from all of of you. Whether you have been on this road to recovery before me or new to this like me. Every story sends a message and strengthens me !!!!
Love and Hugs to you all
LoserFree
Have to jump in here, LF,
April 24, 2012 - 1:51pm — spinningbecause here is the key that you must examine
"Why in a million years would one EVER think this man that put you on a pedestal would ever intentionally hurt you or be so cruel? So it must be true. And you try to fix yourself so that adoration he has for you never goes away! Why? Because it is the most incredible "high" you have ever felt in your life!"
You let the disordered one define you then and you are letting him define you now. Why is that???
If you are trying to "fix yourself" for someone else, it's not a fix at all, in fact it's a problem.
I worked out before Freak Boy, during Freak Boy and after Freak Boy because it is part of MY lifestyle and something I MUST do for myself to start the day feeling strong. In fact, Freak Boy told me how much he was impressed by my discipline...which had nothing to do with him. Therefore, his loss didn't change a thing with regard to my appearance. Actually, now that I'm almost 18 months out my appearance has greatly improved. People tell me I look younger and happier and ask what I've done...
What I'm trying to say here, Loser Free, is you and ONLY YOU decide if gaining weight and being washed up will be your disordered one's legacy. I personally refuse and reject that notion.
Get up and do something for YOU. Only you can do it.
sincerely,
(not) spinning. NO WAY. NEVER EVER AGAIN
I really think that
April 24, 2012 - 3:01pm — LoserFreeI am not coming across correctly in typing my posts.
I was a confident woman when I met my XN. We were together for 9 years and he DID put me on a pedestal and loved me unconditionally as I did him. It was a beautiful relationship (so I thought then) for a long time. And I was on a high like no other. I thought I found someone( a year after my husband suddenly passed away) that was a great guy and we had mutual respect for one another. It appeared for a long time that we were special to each other...not one sided. He told me all the time how lucky he was to find such a sweet, caring, beautiful, and loving woman. I didn't need to hear that for him to validate me, I was just happy he felt that way in our relationship. I believed in him and his actions...I thought he was a normal guy at this point.
So then when he started devaluing me I started to think maybe I am XYZ....why would he make this shit up he loves me unconditionally. He just wants to tell me these things to strengthen our relationship. He's just communicating his feelings. Normal people work on relationships that's all I thought. So that's when I started trying to fix me. Tweak me a bit. I had no idea about Narcissism then...zero...notta. If I would have known then he was an N I probably wouldn't be on this site and would have realized the only one who needs fixing is HIM. Though that isn't possible.
It just spiraled down from there. I kept trying to fix myself because in his eyes I wasn't getting it right. And I wanted to be the person he fell in love with in the beginning so he could be the person I fell in love with in the beginning. I was convinced I changed because he was so good at manipulating me. Even the most intelligent psychiatrist's are manipulated by these freaks if they attempt therapy. They are master's at manipulation. They should have an Academy Award's ceremony for all N's. And the winner's trophy should be a bronzed shaped 3 foot DICK!!!
Once I stumbled across narcissism my whole life changed. I finally realized that he is a sick man that can not be fixed. I did fall off the wagon many times. I knew that he was a N but my emotional attachment overrode what I knew was true..
I still struggle with questions of why he would do this to me. But I am learning on this site the only answer is that they are disordered people. We don't think like they do so how can we begin to get inside their mind to figure them out? Now that's a frightening thought...getting inside their mind!!!!
I hope I clarified some things
Thanks, and please "jump in" any time!!! Appreciate your support
LoserFree
Good for you LoserFree,
April 24, 2012 - 3:12pm — spinningfor educating yourself and having lightbulb moments...
Please also know that I have walked in your shoes. Jumped through so many hoops in a futile effort to please *the Freak* (and not myself, mind you) that I was "spinning!"
I now realize, understand and OWN that I chose to do that because I was in the midst of the disorder, the chaos, the brainwashing and the gaslighting. It wasn't until I fully OWNED that I thought so little of myself that I had to seek "love" from an outside source and ignore all the red flags that made me uncomfortable and worn out in an effort to "feel" love. I thought if only someone else could and would love me and that would make me love myself. I now understand that it works the other way around.
Since letting go of the disordered one and shifting the focus off of his crazy, black is white and white is black world, things have changed immensely. I couldn't care less what he does and with whom because I know him and it's not a nice or good thing. Whoever is with him is dancing the same dance, jumping through the same hoops and spinning on the wheel to nowhere that I was on. I don't envy that or miss that at all.
Taking action to love yourself, to feel good about yourself will be the very best thing you can do to spur you along on The Path Forward. Small steps, one thing at a time and you will be amazed. My life is better than it's ever been in the entire five plus decades I've spent on the planet and way, way better than it ever was during the six years of hell I endured with the freak. I chose tomake it that way each and every day.
Hugs to you, LF and be good to yourself.
Sincerely,
(not) spinning. JUST WINNING!
Baby steps are all I CAN take
April 24, 2012 - 6:46pm — LoserFreeBaby steps are all I CAN take right now. Some days it is one step forward and 2 steps back. But eventually I have to get there for me and my children. They have also been extremely affected by this piece of shit. They believed in him as well and thought we would be one happy family and have a father figure in their life (they were 8 and 9 when their dad died suddenly in front of us). How on God's earth could anyone do that to children??? What a sick Fuck!!!!!
Spinning, I love the timer thing! I procrastinate with everything these days. I make a list to do at least one thing each day and when I don't get to it I have 2 for the next day and so on. By Friday I have a whole page of things to do..LOL This may be a great thing for me!
thank you for your words of encouragement, support, and the bright outlook for better days in the future. But most of all thanks for that sweet pat on the back...it gave me hope that I am on the right path forward!!
XOXO
LoserFree
Loser free
April 24, 2012 - 3:08pm — Janie53If you are still struggling with why did he do this to you then you do not understand the disorder. I am not trying to be rude. Keep reading please!
Stay true!
I am still struggling
April 24, 2012 - 4:33pm — LoserFreebecause it wasn't until I came on this site that I realized the only explanation is that he is disordered!!!! I came on this site a few days ago thinking I was going to get an A + B = C answer. I would ask my question and my answer would pop up! Then I would finally have closure to WHY I was devalued. Now that I have this new information I am going to read more on the blogs about this disorder. I have done some reading on it to know my ex is definitely an N...but clearly not enough. I'm LoserFree just not struggleFree yet.
I will do my best to stay true.
LoserFree
Oh yes...
April 24, 2012 - 1:00am — bgirlI feel like this A LOT.
I'm just hoping it is temporary. I'm aiming to be on my feet by the time I'm 40. This is 2 1/2 yrs from now....and I'm being realistic..this is going to take me a long time to pick myself up!
X
B
dear Bgirl, your healing can
April 24, 2012 - 4:02am — freakeddear Bgirl,
your healing can happen much faster if you are away from the grip of the narc.
you can trust me on this.
i recall how vibrant and healthy i would be...when NH went away on long tours...with somebody or another.
i used to luxuriate when I received that peaceful spaces by his absence.
now, the man has some low end job and rots in the house for hours on end. therefore, since Jan 2012...i am really finding it difficult to continue being the innkeeper here... in order to afford food and shelter for my kid and meself.
somehow, I am getting bugged with myself for whining. wish i could just stop whining like this....makes me feel like a loser...shit, i want to be a dynamic go getter...not this wimpy self which is bursting out