The Lure for the NW, my Replacement

abreva

Member since:
1 year 23 weeks

Last activity:
36 weeks 3 days

Posted April 23, 2012 - 8:22pm

Backstory: EXNH-Psychopath announced his engagement to NW about 3 1/2 months after our divorce was final. Last June he was begging me to come back, because he couldn't find anybody else like me, he said. This June he will marry NW. [Insert Woman Here]

Don't think I'm sad. I'm not. I'm not disappointed or freaked out. I called it. I predicted it. Down to the Month of his marriage. It was validating to me to know that I was right - I was just a fixture, a tool, a toy, a caretaker, and was totally replaceable. I'm glad to be replaced. Yuck - why would I want to be there?

Eww.

So, what DOES mystify me is: how this woman is being lured. I'm learning. I'm figuring it out. My best friend is like: It's the MONEY. It's that HOUSE. And then I learn on here, OH yeah, it's my amazing children he uses as bait. She is in love with my kids. Eww. My kids are a prop, and a tool. And then it develops that he's hooked her on the promise of a certain lifestyle - -- so she tends the gardens that I built (that he tells her HE built them because I did NOTHING) and she picks out chickens and she leads the charge to build the coop with my children. Eww.

So, now we are up to the present moment. My daughter comes home and starts telling me all about how NW is talking about buying this and that for the house. This is interesting to me. The things that my daughter describes that NW is aiming to buy sound like things that EXNH-Psychopath would HATE. So, I wonder -- who is he? Who is he REALLY? He is luring her with this promise of buying stuff to fill a "dream house" and they are planning to build a pool and get a cow and a goat, and I'm thinking, MAN this girl is TRAPPED. I expect he is busy complimenting all her great ideas, and getting her to do all the leg work on purchases - then, he'll pull the rug out and twist it and end up getting exactly what he REALLY wants. I bet he's just got her spinning on the internet and through magazines and catalogues, and she's thinking she's hit the jackpot. Meanwhile, I KNOW how in debt he is, and I KNOW that he's going to have to settle big time with me (property settlement hasn't happened yet), I KNOW how he scrapes buy and overspends and pours money down the toilet.

Meanwhile, I'm planning my life for the moment that I am free of him financially. I'll be getting EXACTLY what I like, thank you very much. What suits ME. I will not have to compromise or listen to him pontificate about architecture and proportion (gag me with a giant spoon). I won't have to live in a house that is devoid of warmth (even though I ooooooze warmth and creativity). I won't have to endure him anymore.

He still lives in my head -- as I walked around Pottery Barn today, I could not look at a oversized curved arm sofa without hearing his contemptuous commentary between my ears.

What an ass.

Oh god..

April 26, 2012 - 5:39pm — Jar of hearts

I was the third leg on my exN and NW stool and didn't realise it :-/
Oh well now I'm NC hope she gets to reap what she has sown!!

engagement

April 26, 2012 - 2:13pm — agnesmurphy17

The engagement was 3 1/2 months AFTER your divorce was final? WHat took him so long? Mine was begging his NW to marry him in the first 3 weeks of dating her. Uh, that is the first three weeks I moved out of the martial home. She moved into the house that I still owned with him after 3 months. Only when she scheduled her move in was I permitted access to the house I owned so as to remove my possessions. Do you think she noticed this? Nope. She believed ALL his lies about me. & SHE is a psychiatrist. It took her 10 months, 6 months of living with him, + meeting me and meeting his first ex-wife to realize -- dude's a psychopath.

This quality of being a different person with every woman is what intrigues me as well about my N. Three women. Me, my replacement, & the first ex-wife have had extensive de-briefings. EVERYTHING this man says about his past is a "manufactured mythology." Oh, there's a thread of truth in there somewhere. But over all, a lie fabricated out of whole cloth. & the "mythology" is tailored to suit the vulnerabilities of the new victim. My replacement like him to talk sh*t about me because that made her feel empowered (as I am much thinner, prettier & younger). But he never talked sh*t about the first wife because I didn't like that. How he knew that I don't know, but I think a man who talks bad about the ex- is waiving the red flag.

Promises BEFORE marriage. Sigh. I could write a book on how I was snookered. Let's see. Easy one. Before marriage he asked me what color to buy a comforter cover. I said a "cool" color like light blue. Fine. After marriage, I was informed that he wanted "warm" colors. He was particularly attached to a particular autumn, burnt, orange. And RED. I had red curtains, red sheets. Burnt orange towels. HE PICKED EVERYTHING from the curtains, the sofas -- I was permitted to ONLY write checks. He said, "I want the place to look nice." Implying that I had bad taste. Oh so not true. He had this "facist" taste. HUGE furniture. I am so glad to be out of there. I am so totally overboard with the cool colors now that I have to be careful not to be too obsessive about being surrounded by white. After him, even a subtle blue is too much stimulation.

And you aready know the deal. He's in debt. He cannot give her all he's promised.

Now, my advice to you. Do not help their relationship by being the third leg on the stool. (Triangulation.) These types need an enemy. If you are the enemy, & they are united, then they abuse you. Then he will discharge all his abusive tension on you & spare her. Not that I want her to fall. But, I know you. So I'm on your side.

To NOT be the force that they UNITE against. How?

April 27, 2012 - 8:33am — abreva

So much to reply to, but here's a start:

I don't want her to fall either, but she will fall.
I don't want to stand in the way of the natural progression of their relationship, by being the third leg.
I do not want them to be united against me.

So far, I have avoided all contact with her. ALL. I haven't seen her. She has permitted my children to use her cell phone, so I have her number. She might have even left a voicemail on my phone, saying that it is her number? I don't even remember (A good sign, I'd say). I've heard her voice. lovely and soft, the way mine used to be before he befell me -- I hope to get my soft voice back.

My question: How to NOT become the force they are united against.

I have not said anything rude about her to my children. I have not done anything. My goal is to stay completely out of it. She tends to my children appropriately. Unlike EXNH-Psychopath, bloody boo-boos get washed and bandaged, sunscreen is slathered -- she is ineffective with bedtimes (but I was too when I lived with him as he would impede that). Maybe when she lives there entirely full-time, and he goes off to do "important work for the family", she'll be able to put the kids to bed at a reasonable hour.

So, please advise me how to NOT help him triangulate. I just try to stay OUT of it.
I do not plan to be friendly with her at all. I do not plan to meet her. I plan to have other people handle custody exchanges for me.

wow. there is so much good here

April 26, 2012 - 2:41pm — abreva

but this is so brilliant and I hadn't thought of it this way:

"Do not help their relationship by being the third leg on the stool. (Triangulation.) These types need an enemy. If you are the enemy, & they are united, then they abuse you. Then he will discharge all his abusive tension on you & spare her."

So important. Thank you for all of it, and thank you for THAT.

Agnes does good work..

April 26, 2012 - 3:19pm — Hunter

Agnes does good work.. Excellent response .

Hunter

There is always another

April 26, 2012 - 8:12am — Hunter

There is always another victim waiting ..

Hunter

I find it sadly fascinating

April 25, 2012 - 9:18am — Deidre99

I find it sadly fascinating that there are so many women rushing to get in line, to raise another woman's kids. lol Not me.

I will not date a man with little kids, or kids much younger than mine. Nope. Unless the wife were deceased, I don't want all that drama. Comparing myself to the mom. Perhaps being called mom. Noooo.

Your kids have ONE mom, and that's you. I think it's gross that she plays house with them. I do. I think it's gross that he puts them in such a position. They are just pawns in this whole horrible thing, and all at his doing.

I think it's kind of the OW to take them and spend time with them, as she doesn't seem resentful. That is good, I guess. But, I still just sit here and marvel that there are women who can't wait to raise another woman's kids...all so a man can take care of them.

As women-kind, I sometimes say to my daughter...who is a teen...have we really come all that far? I mean, I read an article the other day that there is a maid service opening up somewhere local, where the maids come to clean your house in the nude. lol I was like, oh brother...why are there so many women in the world who don't see their value, except to be men pleasers?

I was once a man pleaser. And you probably were too, abreva. But, this entire ordeal has shown you, that you matter...your worth doesn't hinge on what this jerk thinks of you. It's a beautiful freeing day when you open your eyes to such a thing.

But, this new woman. He isn't so much luring her, as much as she wants to be a man pleaser, and thinks like so many of us once did...that THAT is what life's about.

Life's not about pleasing a man and raising another woman's kids. I look at women like her, as auditioning for the role of wife. lol This is sort of a dress rehearsal, a long one.

Be thankful you're out of his bullshit. I love your posts...they're always so wise, and full of things that get me to think.

''Pontificate''...hee hee I love that!

Have a good week!

One thing I'll add too...is

April 25, 2012 - 9:39am — Deidre99

One thing I'll add too...is whenever I read these stories on here, or hear about them from my friends going through divorces, etc...I think that this is a narcissist's dream--to set up a situation whereby in their minds anyways, two people are 'competing' for them.

Your children are going to tell you the goings on, and he knows this. He gets a kick out of it, sadly. The new woman is trying so hard to be everything you were, and weren't...to please him. It's just a sick sick twisted world for the narc.

That's his game, and you abreva I know...are too smart to play it. But, that to me, is what is going on here.

Her desire to please him and be like you and not like you, plus your kids create the perfect storm for more of his head games.

I am sorry you're caught in this.

Anyways...onward upward. I feel for this new woman, because he was trying to woo you back, while he was seeing her. So, already, it's doomed. He's already not that into her, and just pretending to be for whatever his reasons.

Ugh. They really live life in the shallow end of the pool.

Thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts.

April 26, 2012 - 7:58am — abreva

Deirdre. I'm a big fan of you too.

Thank you for writing all this, because yes, some of it I know, but still -- It makes me NOT ALONE to hear you say it. Seriously. It's crazy town. And then you repeat it back to me and put your spin on it and your opinion, and then I'm not alone. Thank you so much.

FYI - the money wasn't a lure for me

April 23, 2012 - 9:31pm — abreva

He knew he couldn't get me with the promise of money.
He promised me a simple life, with time well spent.

Then, suddenly, after we were married, he become a money making machine.
And he always had some excuse of WHY. It was always just a temporary focus -- like, I'll work hard now, just to establish the business, blah blah.

Then, suddenly, he HAD to have a huge expensive property. Desperately.

Then, suddenly, he HAD to get this and that.

He continues to acquire. He is like the economy - the bubble always bursts - constant expansion is not sustainable.

his latest 'acquisition' !

April 23, 2012 - 9:49pm — no more an echo

For you, abreva, the chameleon was a different color. He put a different bait on your hook...He became YOUR idea of a 'perfect' mate!

And, yes, all of us women here in this forum were simply our Ex-Narc's latest 'acquisition'! Sometimes I pictured myself as a butterfly in his 'collection'- with my wings pinned down...Isn't that SAD?

Yes - it is very sad.

April 23, 2012 - 10:00pm — abreva

And I have also used the Butterfly analogy.
Mine was that I was a butterfly and he wanted to rip off my wings.
Why? Because it was fun.

I am in many ways much stronger, much wiser, and believe it or not, much HAPPIER than when I met him. Even with all this b.s. time wasting extricating myself away from him desperate fear that he'll take away my children and have me murdered (not exaggerating) -- still, I am happy, deep down.

But, my health has suffered. When I met him, I was vital and perky and could kick up into a handstand on a whim. Now, I am slow and tired, and I lumber along. I do have faith that I will recover, but I wish I could see how it would all unfold - how exactly I will be born again into my true sparkling beautiful butterfly-ness. I used to stop traffic.

It was fun for him to tear me down. He nearly destroyed me. So, now that I've escaped him, and I'm FREE -- I am clear that I am a strong resilient survivor. I have no doubt. But it's the end of the fight (the property settlement wait is burdensome) and I am a tired, slow, heavy girl.

Please God, Lighten me up. Allow me to be free of this BURDEN of him. I want to run again. I want to kick up into a handstand. I want to sparkle and shine and be all of myself without fear that someone will kick my legs out from underneath me. Amen.

And Thank you so much, Echo, for replying to my post, and helping me stir up all these words that need to get out of me. I release them.

abreva's prayer

April 23, 2012 - 10:20pm — no more an echo

"Please God, Lighten me up. Allow me to be free of this BURDEN of him. I want to run again. I want to kick up into a handstand. I want to sparkle and shine and be all of myself without fear that someone will kick my legs out from underneath me. Amen."

The words and feelings are simple and pure- like a child asking something of a loving parent. I pray this also for all who read this!

p.s. You also wrote:

"I am in many ways much stronger, much wiser, and believe it or not, much HAPPIER than when I met him. Even with all this b.s. time wasting extricating myself away from him desperate fear that he'll take away my children and have me murdered (not exaggerating) -- still, I am happy, deep down."

Do you still believe that your Ex is capable of such evil against you?

Unfortunately, yes

April 23, 2012 - 11:51pm — abreva

Yes I do think he is capable of such evil. I do believe he wants me dead. It is a fact I have lived with for some time, and I have dealt with it as best I can. I can not be controlled by it, but I defend against it.

He has not trespassed on my property for a long time now. The police, when contacted in the past, could do nothing to protect me.

So I live with a hope that I will not be killed.

He is very angry right now, since he is going to be forced to settle up on property with me. I feel like I can feel his rage pressing on me. Oh well. This too shall pass.

I know it's entirely alarming to hear someone talking this way, but these are the hard truths about abusers and psychopaths. You may know this first hand, but I don't know your story.

I've done everything I can to protect myself from him. I just hope for the best at this point.

It's what I have learned to call Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury. His violence arose when I blew his cover and destroyed his image by leaving him -

1) his image of a perfect life - and in his family that meant no divorce. Divorce is a big no-no in his family.

2) his probable homosexuality - he's in the closet? not sure, don't care. but with his family background he had no permission to be gay.

3) what does it mean to the world when your life up and leaves you? Well, one thing it means is that YOU SUCK. so, I announced that in pretty harsh terms.

Now, he tried to smooth it over by telling everyone I was crazy, so - apparently that sufficed for the NW. But, whatever. I'm out.

He also doesn't have me to dominate anymore. I was so convenient to torture when I was there. It must be very frustrating to have to hold it all in. Exhausting, really.

Who is he? A chameleon & a captor...

April 23, 2012 - 9:18pm — no more an echo

Hi abreva,

It MUST be weird, from where you now sit, to watch the New Woman get lured. Isn't the Ex-Narc Hubby SO VERY transparent now?

You asked:

"So, I wonder -- who is he? Who is he REALLY?"

and I have to say, a TOTAL chameleon! He is mirroring to HER (the N.W.) what HER idea of a 'ideal mate' is. (This is a perfect picture of what the experts call his 'false self'). She (like you once were) is completely taken in by his act and his big 'promises'- as you pointed out.

Once he HAS her in his sticky web THE PARTY WILL BE OVER and sadly, she won't know WHAT HIT HER... Sound familiar?

I'm glad you are witnessing this from a safe place. Hopefully by seeing this, you will forgive yourself (more) and heal on an even deeper level. Life (or God, if you so believe) is showing you all this for a reason!

Narcs/Psychos REALLY are like any heavy-duty addict, they just can't navigate this life and relationships in a normal, healthy manner. This was said to me regarding addicts and it also applies to Narcs and P/N's so I'll replace "addicts" with "Narcissists":

Narcissists don't have relationships, they take hostages!

I wish that the newbies here would understand that so they would stop blaming themselves for the failed relationship, STOP envying the New Woman, and hopefully understand the Narcs disorder better so they can MOVE FORWARD quicker!

p.s. I like what you said about hearing his 'contemptuous commentary' between your ears. That will soon fade (you know that) but for now, let it be a WONDERFUL reminder that you were brave enough to live in TRUTH! Amen.

contemptuous commentary

April 23, 2012 - 9:49pm — abreva

Yeah, the contemptuous commentary about his high-minded aesthetics on furniture were so loud during the marriage, that my brain is still convinced that HE is right. Blech.

So many of his other B.S. grandiose posturings were thrown out the window, but I still look at my cottage farm-house style choices and hear his inflated egotistical voice.

I never thought His aesthetic was so great -- but, who cares? It's just furniture.

But everything was SOOOOOO important. And oddly, the result was SOOOOO underwhelmingly unappealing to me. Whatever.

The details actually don't matter -- I know that. I'm just trying to get it out, so I can get on with my life.

only the brave escape

April 23, 2012 - 10:03pm — no more an echo

Hahaha Abreva!

"grandiose posturings"

Give your EX a PULPIT and a STAGE, pepper it all with SANCTIMONY and, voilà!, you have my Ex-Narc-Preacher-Man! OMG they are ALL so alike!!!!

-and-

"I never thought His aesthetic was so great -- but, who cares? It's just furniture."

I'm laughing here, too, because:

1) They are EXPERTS on EVERYTHING, and,

2) We were all just 'furniture'/pretty props in their perfect worlds.

I have to say, though, IT'S the BRAVE ones who GET OUT!

A little therapy.

April 24, 2012 - 10:53pm — abreva

The idea that a soft, plush, round armed sofa is somehow WRONG is simply ludicrous -- WRONG for him?

I'm soft and round and plush --- I'm a woman.

He can keep his post-modern high-minded aesthetic and shove it - because I don't care what he prefers. I don't live there.

He's just somebody I used to know. I'm not interested in his opinion about ANYTHING. I don't believe a word he says. He's a pathological liar.

He "hates" tattoos - but the NW has one.

Yes - they are about SEEMING instead of BEING

April 23, 2012 - 10:18pm — abreva

My best friend is always saying - he just wants his perfect little life. That's why he had to get a replacement me in there asap. The thing that shocked me at first was that he picked someone who was SO MUCH LIKE ME. And it seems that in lots of ways, she is already beaten down, and not the butterfly I was.

I had expected that he'd get someone opposite of me -- you know, trade UP in all those picture perfect ways. He'd beaten me down so far, that I didn't fit the part of perfect Doctor's Wife. (That's his pulpit. And yes, he is EXPERT at everything. And such an idiot.)

But I've since decided that, in fact, it is so much easier for him to just get a carbon copy of ME. Because then, he doesn't have to change his game too much. He doesn't have to pay so much attention to her. He can just find another me, and let her run with it. He can say all the same things that "worked" on me. Much more efficient. Plug and Play.

Insert Woman Here.

I wish I had a crystal ball to see how it would turn out. Will they actually get married? Will they have more children? (She's the age I was when I married him -- See? Insert Abreva Here. So, they've got lots of time for kids.) Will he ignore my children if they do have children of their own? I mean, how does he have the TIME and ENERGY for all this??? I know: HE DOESN'T -- that's why he lets things fall through the cracks -- that's why he delegates the care of my children to others -- that's why he self-medicates using samples. He's a winner! I want to know when he's going to crash. I want to know, so that I'm not surprised when it happens.

chameleon and captor -- great words!

April 23, 2012 - 9:41pm — abreva

and hostage -- another great word.

These words describe him and what he is busy doing.

She is being so trapped, and so railroaded, and everyone involved (except my children) are complicit in the deception.

It's so helpful to watch from this safe perspective. And see what is happening (rather, hear). That is one of the benefits of my children reporting what goes on -- it can be healing. Healing to know how right I was to GO.

I try to keep the conversation about their life with their father at a healthy level. I don't want to hear too much about it - I don't want major reports - but I want them to feel like they can share what needs to be shared.

My daughter said the NW was out of town this weekend (seems like a first since she was introduced), so I asked her: Is it better when NW is around, or is it better when NW is NOT around. The answer: NOT around, because all the NW does it talk about what she is going to BUY.

Got it.

So, yes, VERY healing to watch it all go down. If NW bails before the wedding, that will be interesting. If she goes through with it, also very interesting. Creepy. But, whatever.

Well said No More An Echo!

April 23, 2012 - 9:24pm — Janie53

Well said No More An Echo! You stated exactly what I wanted to address; but have little energy tonight.

Stay true to you!

xxxooo
Janie

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