I was married to my exh for 12 years...together a total of 20...we have 3 boys together...10, 8, and 6. My life with him I thought was perfect...because it was the only life I knew...My parents were married for over 50 years and I watched my mother live in misery with my dad who always wore her down emotionally with his temper, anger, and ignoring on a constant basis..she knew it was bad..but stuck it out for financial reasons and because she thought it was best for us...4 children..I am the youngest with 3 older brothers....Needless to say...my dad is a full blown Narc, and my brothers are all somewhat like him to some degree....This was my norm...This is what I followed.

From day one at the age of 19, my exh began the degrading...I was dumb, useless, weak...in his eyes,..however before I met him...I was in college, with honors, very involved with school and sports...very athletic, out going, popular...he soon cut me down to becoming withdrawn, afraid of my own shadow and me thinking I was dumb and fat and ugly....Again...I thought he loved me..never cheated on me...I still believe he loves me but just doesnt know how...he is a very negative person...I am very positive...not a good match. I was a school teacher before my children were born and resigned after my first was born. This is when it all started to quickly spiral downward. I was now his employee who had to ask permission for anything...I had no voice, no credibility etc. You get the picture....After my 3rd son was born, I felt as though I just existed...I was nothing but a sex toy, who even got ridiculed for not doing that right...I wanted to go to marriage counseling and he told me that I needed counseling because I was fucked up in the head...never satified and Im a spoiled baby...A few months went by..He wasnt happy about this but I joined facebook. Long story short. I had an emotional affair with a guy I dated a long time ago...I was falling in love with him...he told me all the things I wanted my husband to tell me...I couldnt have feelings for this man while i was married so I told my husband I wanted a separation and why...he was devestated, NOW he wanted to do the counseling thing, but for me it was too late. The guy from fb came to my state and we met for the first time in 23 years...it was heaven, lightening, sparks...I soon filed for divorce. The exh and I lived together for a year during the divorce and he punished me to the end...never physical...always emotional to the point of not letting me sleep, to locking me in a room...crazy, horrible time...I was in love with this guy from fb who was going to move to my state and begin a life with me after my divorce was final....This never happened...he D&D's me and I was devestated...I was now losing my marriage, and my future plans with this other man was gone...and then to top it off...my mother died suddenly from a brain aneurysm (we think my dad may have pushed her but thats another story)....Then, in steps the Narc Psychopath.....

He was 6 years older than me...from my hometown where I grew up...he graduated with my older brother. He was the most handsome guy back in the day...star athlete...popular...and he still was just as beautiful now as he was back then. As soon as I saw him...I was done!!!! He lived in my town, was divorced, and we began talking every day...He knew of my moms passing, my current situation of going thru divorce and we shared our war stories. He was so supportive for me during this difficult time in my life. We bonded...He wanted to know everything about me...he was perfect...so I thought....

My time with him was up and down...in the beginning...he wanted me but then didnt because i wasnt divorced yet and it was immoral...so he played me...then he involved his exgf who i knew...she contacted me to tell me he was begging to be with her...I was devestated..he made up some shit...I went back....this type of behavior with him wanting then not wanting me...mild mannered to violent tempered....he loved my kids then he would lose patience...it was crazy...He has 2 kids...a girl 14 and a boy 16 who I loved like my own...He had some money issues...I had money from selling my married home...he couldnt make his bills so I helped him for 6 months...then he decided I should move in...brainwashed and manipulated me, he told me he was a victim, I was the love of his life, he wanted to marry me...I was lucky to find someone to love me as well as my kids...blah blah....i move in with him.

Shortly after, the ignoring began...I would have sex with him every day just for the affection that he always lacked to give...I loved this gorgeous man...loved our house, loved all the kids...the kids all loved each other, but he became withdrawn and disconnected...it was his work or money or his family or his exwife....always something bothering him...he would ignore us for days...everyone in the house...then I would try to talk to him about it and the yelling would start...I would sit in this fucking chair while he stood over me yelling in my face for hours...it was crazy!!!!! Then he would love me up for days after...I would think ok everything has passed and before I knew it...it would start all over again....

After leaving my kids alone with him one night and coming home to find all 3 hysterical crying while he called them pussies... was when I was breaking away from his spell...As a result of him ignoring me for 5 days...and trying to talk to him while he tantrumed....I abruptly left with my kids in tow...he changed the locks on me that very night...yet hoovered me like he never hoovered before...within a week I hired movers and moved as much of my things as I could...4 days later...he was fucking someone else in my bed....I was never so devestated and ruined in all my life....I put 12k into his home...I was now homeless with 3 kids....and the love of my life was now with someone else....

WTF did I mean to him?!?!?! How could he do this?? How can he be with someone else so soon??? What the hell just happened to my life??? I was lost...felt unsure of everything...was second guessing my divorce now...My mother who was my strongest support is gone and Im all alone.....What the hell do I do????

This was 7 months ago....I found this site...and it has saved me from my most darkest moments...I bought a townhouse and settled here in Nov. I tried to rekindle things with my exh for about 3 weeks after new years...that obviously didnt work...and it was during this time I realized HE was also a narc...

I feel like my life has been a Twilight Zone episode!!! I recently went off my medication for PTSD and feel pretty good. But I find that I STILL cant talk about the exbf without crying...I still feel ruined by him...I originally was going to sue him for the 12k but Im taking it as a loss cause I just cant deal with him nor do i want to...His house is up for sale cause he cant afford it without me...I was told he is renting a townhouse near the OW...he is still with her....

Im rebuilding my life...one day at a time!!!

Thank you for listening!!!