You're welcome. Just remember to honor your emotions and let them pass through you. The sadness dissipates eventually.

Crying is a good thing, it releases the painful toxicity from our spirit and bodies and I am not ashamed to say I pretty much cried at some point every day for a full year after the final D&D - it was such a common occurrence I didn't even notice it after awhile. Then after finding this forum and understanding the depth of my experience for what it was, the confusion and self blame eased and I started noticing when I hadn't cried for a day or two or three in a row and would be delighted.

Now it is only very rarely that I feel that sadness enough to bring tears and I promise you, one day you will reach this point in recovery too - just don't expect it to happen before it does and get discouraged by the pace, let it happen as it will instead. It is a process for sure and every day away from the narc is progress closer toward your emotional freedom!! xoxo

thank you lovely ladies for all your thoughtful replies it has helped me get through the day! lucky for me mine is leaving me alone! maybe in one of his moments of clarity he relished he was killing me slowly and decided he would let me go! i hope it stays that way! fingers crossed! i hope you all have a beautiful narc free day tomorrow! thanks again x

eyeswideopen35,

Your story is just so sad. Maybe I think that because my situation with my last Ex-Narc is so very similar.

Preacher-man was very intelligent and he had, I think, more ability than many Narcs to self-reflect (intellectually- not emotionally). He KNEW THAT HE WAS 'OFF'- and like your husband, I believe that he TRULY tried to change. And he HOPED, with me, that he would have a different outcome.

You wrote:

"he thought it was just as simple as believing he really wanted to be married and have a family! but he couldn't keep up the act."

Yep. Couldn't have said it better! My Ex-Narc and most in his congregation hoped (believed, prayed that he WASN'T as disordered as they suspected he was!) that he could (finally) have a NORMAL relationship and NOT have a COMPLETE TRAIN WRECK! I feel such sorrow for him (after I went through the anger!)

Your story is just so much more bitter than mine because you married your Narc and tried so hard- for 7 years to make it work.

You sure got your clarity, though. Your Ex is incredibly self aware considering his disorder. That must help you that he was SO emphatic in telling you that the problem was DEFINITELY due to his issues. That's more closure than most people get with a Narc. (Hey, I'm trying really HARD to find ONE good thing in here for you!)

But obviously, that was WAY TOO MUCH clarity for HIM- and he had to 'flip the switch' back to his warm, comfy friend DENIAL where EVERYTHING was back to being your fault and HE get's to be PERFECT again. That's why you reported the extreme hostility:

"I never thought he could be so cruel and brutal, its like a switched just turned on and his real self that he had been hiding for so long just took over..he could put up the facade any longer...I'm still scared by seeing him like this...I knew then he was at the point of no return.. he had been unmasked and at that point he just looked at me and said..."this is who i really am and i don't give a fuck if you see it now cause I'm done".

CHILLING, isn't it?

Lastly, you asked:

"part of me feels sorry for him and sad for him... is that wrong?"

Not at all wrong but EXPECTED. He's the one that (disturbingly) lacks empathy!