C.E.C.I.L - Ice inside his soul
I used to consider myself a minority – the odd one out –(this can’t be real, can it?) until I found sites such as this….
I have known *Cecil (Callous Evil Counterfeit Insensitive Liar) for over 35 years, a left over childhood crush that developed into a ‘relationship’ 5 years ago. He once had a bit part on a TV show and funnily enough, he played the part of ‘Cecil’ a demented, toothless drunk (ironically, the real N is also a demented toothless drunk!)
We met when he was 49, he had never married, never had children, been in jail and undergone rehab for heroin (court ordered), been successfully treated for Hep C and never had a ‘real’ long term relationship. Warning bells? If they were ringing, I ‘chose’ not to hear them. When we ‘met’ again as adults, he was in a relationship (of sorts) but he told me it had been over for 8 months and they were on good terms. So off into the sunset I went – with a man who had always rented, been kicked out of so many places (including a business – for non payment of rent) and who ironically had just inherited a large amount of cash and car from the death of his father.
In the first weeks we were 'together', he had a fall out with his long term best mate (sycophant number 1) because S1 knew that Cecil indeed, was still in a ‘relationship’ with the other woman.
For three months it was just Cecil and I, so I was obviously the sole supply. Then S1 and he made up, the other woman remained ‘around’ and Cecil even pushed her to meet me, telling her and the world, that ‘I’ was the one and to be prepared for something ‘big’ to happen between us. He spoke of me and my daughter moving in with him and marriage… His ‘friends’ all ‘supply’ and support his aimless life in a hierarchical level of sycophants 1 through to 4 with the occasional periodical addition. His closest three are all aged mid 50’s, never married, never had children and are mostly unemployed – smoking, drinking and drug f***ng their brains on an hourly basis. My life, my world, my very existence was ‘Cecil’ and all the misfits and sycophants in his ‘world’ of haze and non-reality for the next five years.
And it HURT; every minute of every day… it just HURTS.
Between his continuous pot smoking, copious drinking, monotonic depressive behaviour, passion for ladies g-strings and leggings, sex toys (for his own pleasure) and extreme self centredness there were periods when I believed he truly loved me. The change happened after about two months when he started accusing me of being insecure, when I found he had been texting several other women and ‘playing’ the single man. Turning things around all the time to make me feel ‘useless’, ignoring my text and doing all the very real, very hurtful things that Narcs do. By the end of the first year I was seeing my threads pulled out on either side, I was scared when I saw him and scared when I didn’t. I can’t even begin to count how much money I wasted on him, but I lost about $100,000 in selling my house to move away from him. His mood swings were often so sudden and so horrifically angry that I would cringe and end up crying. One thing I have learned with Narcs is that you should never show your tears! Then he announced that my behaviour had made him decide he was going to Thailand for a ‘holiday’ – it was my fault – because I was just so insecure and really not worth loving or being with. He went to Thailand (and continues to do so every year) where he picked up a young, unattractive (he himself, is not an attractive man) bar girl whom he ‘bought’ and tried to ‘import’ her into Australia after his second visit. After seeing her photo I was most upset that if he was going to run off with an underage prostitute, that she would be attractive, but she was a short, plump, very tattooed unattractive looking ‘being’. I suppose such women may very well be accustomed to small penises attached to big egos and they get paid for a full glorified 3 minutes (lucky things!)
After the first trip, I found out about her (he was so blatantly not trying to hide her existence) – he begged me to give him another chance, that she was nothing, just a mistake etc etc. Stupidly, I went back after a couple of months. The contact with her never ended and he was supplying her with money on a constant basis, but in all the time (at that stage) we had been together – he had not once paid for me for even a glass of wine!! Second trip came and went and of course, it was my fault again – because I was incapable of ‘going with the flow’ and was so insecure. Birthdays and special occasions were faced with dread and usually without gifts or even acknowledgement that I existed – particularly when his group of sycophants catered to his every whim – and he of course, was always the centre of attention.
He announced to all and sundry that he was bringing the bargirl to Australia to live – sent me a text on my 50th birthday telling me – along with a dozen red roses!! She bled him dry financially and the rumour was that ‘she used to be a ‘he’!! Oh I do love you karma! A few months after the second break up – yes, you guessed it, sucked in again! But this time, he said we could only be together under ‘his conditions’ and that I so desperately needed to change before he would consider a ‘relationship’ with me. ‘I’ was the problem, not him, and he could not even imagine being ‘faithful’ to someone as stupid as me. He was eerily more often passive aggressive in his behaviour, but occasionally exploded with angry monologue that appeared to come from the bowels of hell! He joined internet dating sites all over the world including some really sick ‘fetish’ sites – of course, that was also my fault! He was a terrible lover, small in size and lasted 3 minutes (on a good day) and all about him, often with the g-string (on him while we had sex). In 5 years I have never ever even came close to orgasm with him!!
I have had my heart and spirit broken into a million pieces, a million times over, while he has stood there and looked at me with absolute contempt. I have seriously contemplated (though not attempted) suicide a number of times because of his ice cold non emotional detachment laced with a heavy dose of cruelty. His ‘pay back’ for all he accused me of (breathing perhaps?) was the cold shoulder, physical and emotional rejection, cold and angry silence with the added joy of sitting on his couch while he remote controlled the TV or DVD and lulled himself into ‘deeper’ stupidity with joint after joint….
He is back to being unemployed but lives on his parent’s inheritance with no debts or responsibilities (besides 2 dogs and some chickens!) and has been crying poor since last year. But of course he still ‘needs’ a holiday and yes, of course, it must be Thailand – simply for the culture….I started the No Contact a few months ago – because I simply got to a point of ‘crashing’ physically, emotionally and financially. I knew it wasn’t me, but I couldn’t pinpoint what ‘it’ was! Realisation that he is a drug addicted, sociopathic narcissist was such an epiphany (one that I almost needed to wear 3D glasses to actually see!) I have broken NC several times, when he has sent text with a lightly toned invitation to lunch or dinner – or I will cave in by finding any reason to contact him. The addiction is so hard to break….
I realised a few months ago that for me, the only way of really moving on and recovering from this jerk is to leave the state and I am fortunate in my job that I will be relocating to West Australia in the next few months. I live in the country and am quite isolated from people, so the NC proves hardest while I am here and I have very few local friends. I only have until end of June before I will be physically free – but I know I will need constant reminders to maintain the NC until I go.
The saddest part about being sucked into a relationship (if that’s what you call them) with a narc is that people around you who see what you are going through actually DO think there is something wrong with you! They think you are either stupid or emotionally unbalanced and need help because the narc always appears publicly to be such a ‘nice’ guy! I am neither stupid (IQ 136, work as an IT consultant for a global healthcare company) and I probably could do with some therapy BECAUSE of the 5 years in a concentration camp with Cecil!
Christina Perri released the song ‘Jar of Hearts’ and I am sure the song is an ode to a narcissistic relationship! One could only wish that the likes of Cecil would ‘catch a cold from the ice inside their souls’ (but in truth, they don’t have souls to begin with….)