Is it okay to feel sorry for the N?

Is it okay to feel sorry for the N?
Posted April 22, 2012 - 9:35pm
0

Despite all the shit he did, I feel sorry for him. Is that a weakness on my part just seeing him as a broken soul, the fact that he lacks empathy and can't feel like another human being. I just feel sorry for him. Is that horrible of me? I guess on some part I have forgiven him only because I would have just held on to so much anger and then he would have won in the sense that he could even make me feel that enraged. I simply pity someone that is beyond repair. I find that sad.

‹ Last Feeding Frenzy Tonight is the night! ›
neverlookback's picture

cant do it

April 23, 2012 - 11:39pm — neverlookback

no sadness for someone who got pleasure from seeing me in pain. I feel sadness for what this disorder has done to others

abreva's picture

If it works for you, then it's fine.

April 23, 2012 - 10:48pm — abreva

Pity DID NOT and DOES NOT work for me.

The EXNH-Psychopath is out to destroy me. Having ANY sympathy for him as a human being WEAKENS my position to defend myself from evil.

I know that sounds all dramatic, and maybe wacky. But here's the deal. I'm so empathic that I have to really STRENGTHEN myself in defense. No pity. No compassion. I made that mistake for YEARS. Even as I was moving my stuff out in secret - I felt sorry for him. Why was I moving out in secret? Because he threatened my life so severely that I could not stay. So, I should have NOT felt sorry for him because he was an idiot who ruined what could have been a very nice marriage and family. NO pity. Not for me.

However, if you can do it -- and it works for you and strengthens you -- then... no problem, right?

Dee30's picture

abreva

April 23, 2012 - 11:06pm — Dee30

You are right they are pretty disturbing creatures. And yes for sure I think if i show to much pity on my part and I am not fully healed it can be dangerous in the sense that a little leeway in his favour could potentially get me sucked right back in. I think just knowing they are pitiful but ABUSIVE as hell is enough for me. Never want to go that hell hole again. I mean the guy never had sympathy for me when i was balling my eyes out ready to take my life. In fact, I"m quite certain he took sadistic pleasure in it.

onwithmylife's picture

my therapist

April 23, 2012 - 5:15pm — onwithmylife

said when i told him i feel sad that the man never knew what we had together, that it shows my compassion and empathy, nothing wrong with that................

Janie53's picture

Dee30

April 23, 2012 - 4:57pm — Janie53

Let me preface this with I didn't read the other posts so I apologize if this is a repeat. My opinion is we each own our feelings, they are all ours and no one can tell us if they are good or bad, right or wrong. A feeling is passive however, how you respond to it is action. It is okay to be angry at someone or something they did, it is not okay to hit them. Get my drift? Feel away, and act appropriately in taking care of yourself.

Stay true to you,
Janie

dulcinea441's picture

It just means that you

April 23, 2012 - 2:43am — dulcinea441

It just means that you possess a quality that he doesn't: compassion.

You can't help him in any way by feeling sorry for him, and it will forever be lost on him that you feel sympathy for his emotionally-stunted state, but you CAN use it is a reminder that you are a decent human being who deserves a relationship with someone who is capable of genuinely reciprocating your love.

Pumpkin's picture

Dee

April 23, 2012 - 1:08am — Pumpkin

Dee, I don't think forgiveness is ever a weakness. But we can forgive someone and make sure that they don't ever hurt us again.
I think it's good for us to forgive them because then the bitterness doesn't eat at us. We are freed to go on with our lives without hatred and bitterness.
Look at these men, what's not to pity really, they are pathetic.

flowers's picture

i do feel sorry too

April 23, 2012 - 12:23am — flowers

i do feel sorry too for my XN, for he couldnot feel the love i had for him, he couldnot love me back, he did not know what a wonderful feeling it was to be in love. i do feel sorry for him because he was afraid to be too close to someone. he would hardly show any emotions; he would not laugh at a joke, would not show being happy about the birth of a niece.. these may be little things, but it is those things which bring happiness and i feel sorry he doesnot feel this happiness..

tresor2's picture

Anger

April 22, 2012 - 10:44pm — tresor2

Yes, these people are sad and pathetic; they are freaks of nature and are a reptilian species of their own.

Anger is a human emotion and it's important for us to feel and process it in healthy ways. I understand what you mean about not wanting anger to become toxic but, I hope you're not suppressing your feelings...I know I did for a long time and it made me very sick.

Why would you be horrible for feeling sorry for a slithering diseased piece of toxic waste? It's really sad he turned out like that and it's even sadder he crossed your path. Feelings are just that; feelings and they are valid.If this is your truth then, so it is. The only thing that separates us from animals is our ability to feel and think at a deeper level. To me, not being able to express empathy puts you in the animal kingdom regardless of book intelligence.

I think forgiveness starts with ourselves and it's an individual decision as to whether we wish to forgive our abusers. Some of us do and others see them as evil and their dirty deeds are unforgivable...either way, no judgement.

These people are sick and at some level, they can't help who they are...However, most N's are smart and if we tell someone over and over that their behavior is hurtful and they keep doing it, then, for me, forgiveness is not in order. The person I need to forgive is me for becomming a human doormat and getting caught up in trying to change what is.

Journey's picture

Tresor

April 23, 2012 - 3:42am — Journey

I think you are being unfair to animals by putting a narc at the same level as them - they CAN show empathy to each other and often in very moving and touching ways. Many animals have shown themselves to be much MORE capable of emotional depth than any narc out there ever could :)

Deanna's picture

same question

April 22, 2012 - 10:07pm — Deanna

Hi Dee, :-) my nick-name is Dee, also.

I have the same question. When I started researching narcissism I realized my ex boyfriend is a narcissist. 100%. No doubt in my mind.

But why and how was he a N?
What I read was sad. I read some narcissist may have/had a parent that was also a narcissist. (my ex's mom)

I am wondering if he went through the same pain I am going through now from his silent treatment and abandonment?

I started to feel sorry for him if he had beed mistreated as a child by his narsisstic mom....I am not making an excuse for his evil behavior, not at all.

Any thoughts on this topic? D

Dee30's picture

Hey Deanna

April 22, 2012 - 11:08pm — Dee30

Yes, it's sad that the N was most likely abused as a child but of course it does. Of excuse their behavior. It just saddens me thinking that there is so much suffering in this world. An abuser is an abuser however and like the other post stated above not everyone will forgive which is fine. However I just find it sad that the cycle of abuse continues on through generations. I was an abused child but I didn't start abusing anyone. A narcissist was probably abused as well but they choose to abuse. That's the difference. As kids, we had no choice in how we were raised, but as adults, we do have a choice to treat others how we would like others to treat one's self

Deanna's picture

Hi

April 23, 2012 - 4:47pm — Deanna

I know there is so much pain in the world. But My N knew he was hurting me. I felt sorry for him when I learned he may have been abused by his mom. Then I regrouped. He continued to hurt me and others. . I am not excusing my N!

TNR1's picture

Dee..you can feel whatever

April 22, 2012 - 9:54pm — TNR1

Dee..you can feel whatever you want...but know that he doesn't give a rat's behind about you or the fact that you are sorry for him. It's great that you have so much empathy...but I think you could use it towards someone more deserving. I volunteer at a cat rescue group because when I give love to the cats..it is always returned. :)

Snowflake's picture

Feeling sorry..

April 23, 2012 - 3:20am — Snowflake

TNR I think thats a great idea.

For me its not so much feeling sorry for him, I dont think I will ever understand it to be honest. The silent treatment was the hardest for me..I am out of it but only just having broken NC so I am having to go back to square one.

For me I cant feel sorry for him, he hurt me and he enjoyed it too. If I feel sorry for him it would give a little gap to allow him back in, I just cant do it x