so it's been 4 days of NC and also around that much time of anxiety. I'm pretty good during the day when I'm busy and going about my work and daily things, but at night I start to feel more uneasy. I don't live in the same area where he is anymore, and I truly think this has been a blessing although he seemed to have upped his attempts to really and utterly destroy me mentally and emotionally from a distance. I can't even begin to describe to you the ways and techniques that he used that I never even knew human beings were capable of such cruelty and insane and cray making behavior..
I really want to manage and heal from my anxiety naturally. The first couple of nights I took a xanax then decided for the last 3-4 night, I'm going to breathe through the anxiety if it comes and wash my face, read, chant, talk to my family, do whatever I need to do to get through it..
last night I went to sleep around midnight and I was tired, then woke up around 1 am with shivering feeling like I'm going to freeze (although it's not cold at all where I live) and my mother comforted me, massaged my legs and I was saying some prayers till I felt the anxiety diminish, then I slept till about 8 am which was good, I do feel a little bit tired now but I'm hopeful that I will soon start having more restful, peaceful night.
I'm starting to realize slowly and painfully how much damage he's done to me on the mental and emotional level (not to mention the other levels of course) My body is really in this mode of being so frightened from all the abuse, be it the physical, name calling, financial manipulation and sucking me dry at any given moment, the lack of faithfulness, the rage, the devaluing, the throwing of horrible and cruel words and accusations then leaving for days leaving me with no change to respond or redeem my dignity, the expecting a full report on every move i make even if I step away to go to the bathroom while he can disappear for days and even go hang out and spend time with so called "Ex-s" and flirt with every woman whenever he could..the list goes on!
I'm listing all of this so that if you realize such patterns within your relations please wake the freak up!! do not keep on subjecting yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually or in any other ways to such horrible and ill treatment, you deserve soooo much better. I'm also listing all of this as a reminder for myself so that if I ever LOSE my mind again and contemplate being with him or someone like him, then I know better than to do such..
Right now I just hope and pray that I sleep worry-free and without anxiety and fear. I pray that if my body wants to detox from this horrible experience, that it do so gently and calmly and allow me to purge and release all the built up emotions, all the times when he would stop me from crying, or creaming or protesting by saying "control yourself, dont show that you're upset, people are starting to notice. I will drop you out on the highway if you keep crying" all those times when I could not express myself in a healthy, legitimate way, I pray that my body will rid itself from the toxicity that built up while allowing me to recuperate and heal
I extend this prayer to all of you out there dealing with the same challenge. If you have any ideas and tips on how to deal with the restlessness and anxiety, or if you have been there and broke through, please share your insights!