Just some thoughts

Just some thoughts
Posted April 21, 2012 - 10:35pm
0

I'm reading a good book "Women Who Love Too Much". When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change. By Robin Norwood.
This book is awesome, if any of you can get your hands on it do get it. The problem is not all the men, the problem is also us and why we end up with these kind of men.
I've noticed that alot of the posts are from women who have alot in common with me, the way we think. Good, caring women who thought they could make a difference in the Narcs life, that we could "fix" them, make them happy, save them from themselves. By concentrating on them we were avoiding dealing with ourselves.
We should have been changing ourselves, not them. Changing them or anyone for that matter is hopeless. We can only change ourselves.
I can't speak for any of you, but I can speak for myself and I did enter my relationship with baggage from my childhood, an alcoholic mother and a distant, unavailable father.
I'm not blaming my parents or my childhood but I am saying that it helped form me into the person I am and that in turn made me stay with a man "I had to make love me". I felt that if my parents couldn't love me and if he couldn't love me than no one could.
Am I in the minority as far as coming from a dysfunctional family? How many of you came from stable families and entered into your relationship with the Narc with self-esteem and really liked yourself before the Narc started sucking the life out of you?

‹ Stop Listening to the Psychopath. Anything you ARE will be used against you. Step 2.... ›
sweetpeasarah's picture

I can

April 22, 2012 - 4:28am — sweetpeasarah

relate to what your saying. My experience with the narc, has made me really take a good long look at my issues and why i have been drawn into unhealthy relationships with men most of my life.
My childhood was devoid of any expressions of love, my parents never told me or my siblings that they loved us, and hugs and comfort were completly absent. We did'nt go short of anything material.
I have been working out trying to figure out where my abandonment fears come from, and after a long talk with my older sister, she told me about a time when she was 6, and i was 2, our mum left our dad, taking us with her. She did return after 6 months, but according to my sister i had taken the whole thing really badly. She told me that every time my dad left for work, actually every time he left the house, i would cling to him, literally hysterical, clearly because i was scared he wasnt coming back. I really do feel that this is VERY significant to my relationships with men as an adult, i just never trust that they love me and wont leave me. My ex narc, of course like everyone's narc, got me to fall for him BIG TIME, i loved him with every ounce of me, i completely dropped my guard trusting him when he said 'this is it' you and me forever. I loved this man more than any, ever. so when he started all the narc nonsense, i was completely distraught, clung to him, took him back after every horrible thing he did, cos i couldnt bear to loose him. Same fear as i had with my dad.
I have recognised this as being the root cause, still not sure how to overcome it, but i have to somehow.
I have read on here, that so many have had similar, if not worse background, so i think it is quite common, the narc s are very good at 'homing in' on emotionally vunerable people, easier to control, and ultimately abuse.
xx

no more an echo's picture

dysFUNctional

April 22, 2012 - 4:21am — no more an echo

Yep. My family put the 'fun' in dysFUNctional! Seriously, though, all families are dysfunctional to some degree. And parents don't have to be overtly abusive to inflict damage upon a child. (For instance, regardless of a parent's intent, neglect is abuse!)

I was aware of my childhood issues and had years of (on & off again) therapy and soul-searching before I met my last Narc. He had an advantage, though, because I was going through a crisis and the SHARK smelled blood! (SHAME on Preacher-Man!)

Rosa_lita wrote, below:

"I thought that maybe I associate love with emotional and physical distance and trying to win my dad's attention"

Bingo. I resonate with that because I have a history of painful relationships with emotionally unavailable men: an assortment of tortured souls, some Narcs and Psycho-Narcs. All very high-maintenance - some like sickly lost puppies and others more like rabid Tasmanian Devils. Men who couldn't possibly love me back.

I realize that (in the past) I've associated love with extreme yearning- and a knowing that, deep down, that yearning will never be gratified.

And that was a part of the mystique and challenge of these distant and preoccupied men. My mission: to gain the attentions and affections of these damaged people. Game on.

I'm a stronger person now and more aware of my patterns- and like I said, if I wasn't in such a vulnerable place, the Cyborg-Vampire would have had to find blood elsewhere!

rosa_lita's picture

I'm actually from a pretty

April 21, 2012 - 11:58pm — rosa_lita

I'm actually from a pretty stable family. I mean, no family is perfect but, we did okay.

I did scramble pretty hard for a while to find reasons to explain why I was allowing this to happen to me. My dad traveled a lot when I was young.

I thought that maybe I associate love with emotional and physical distance and trying to win my dad's attention when he did come home.

In the end I found that it was more helpful to understand what the hell was wrong with him. Then I was able to take responsibility for my part of the relationship ... perhaps that I was much too idealistic, and looking for a "perfect" love. I think there was an aspect of wanting to feel "special" in someone's eyes, which is pretty narcissistic in itself. Gah!

I think that there are probably a combination of factors that make people susceptible to the charms of a narc.