I know I shouldn't be dating this early but I actually like this guy

Dee30

Member since:
1 year 20 weeks

Last activity:
41 weeks 5 days

Posted April 21, 2012 - 5:05pm

I met this guy in January. And I know that that is easy to fall for another N after being with one. Quite honestly though, I can't complain about this guy. He has been nothing but nice and respectable to me. Yes my guard is up through the roof. Actually it seems like I can be the melodramatic one. He's a great guy though. every time we have an issue. He's mature about it and HE strives to change. He's awesome though he makes me feel beautiful. Now I'm hoping its not the old saying to good to be true. but far as i know he has only been spitting out nice guy signs to me. Its actually weird because I never had a guy care so much for me. Even after knowing everything he's wiling to take on my 3 kids and "take care of me" I find it sweet. Does anyone else have luck after the N. I do see a therapist regularly, I study and research on Narcs alot and even spent a great deal of time figuring out myself and how I am also. Sometimes it feels weird feeing happy. like I always expect him to turn into a monster or something. but he hasn't. sorry just wanted to share my thoughts with you guys and what you think.

When I could fully get over

April 23, 2012 - 12:23am — lavendar19

When I could fully get over the N and throw him in the trash for good was when I finally met a good man.
We have been dating for 1 year and I am 80% sure he is not a narc, but I still have my guard up and am hoping for the best, but have prepared for the worst (I'm not as emotionally dependent on him like I was on exN).
A lot of amazing advice was given on various narc forums to me a few years ago when I reached what felt like close to rock bottom in my love life. One common warning was be careful on the men you attract/are attracted to in the future...narcs tear us down in the hopes of destroyed our self esteem and not being able to leave them for a better man. I have watched this man very carefully (not in the creepy sense) in order to not dismiss any early red flags. There have been none and he has been raised well...his parents have not spoiled him and have not overly neglected him...he is not a liar or a manipulator and nor is he overly charming and too good to be true......he is normal (not average, but normal).

And yes, for the most part when I started keeping an eye out for men, I attracted the a**holes (narcs or not I don't know, didn't know them for long and did not become physically or emotionally intimate luckily). And again yes...I have a bad tendency to grow dependent on men like you Dee, and not in the financial security sense but more so the company and emotional support.

Long story short....for me, starting to date someone new really helped my recovery and my ability to leave the exN for good without looking back and missing our relationship...I could finally take off of rose colored glasses and see what he was this whole time and I feel sick at the thought of ever dating him again. I never thought I could stop loving him.

For others though, dating too soon is a big no-no...the risk for dependency after an abusive relationship (more like relationshiT) with an N is high (I'm no psychologist but this is what I think), and not to mention the risks are pretty high for us to fall for another narcissist or narcissistic person again.....these are the type to make us feel good very fast (too fast almost).

Could it be possible that if this man and I break up I will be in shambles like I was after the breakup with the ExN? possibly. Is it also possible that it would've been a better idea for me to work on myself and learn to be on my own completely before pursuing another man? Again, possibly...but right now I'm happy and I would not go back to change anything. I'm not going to worry about something that hasn't happened yet, but I realize I need to work on learning to be on my own.

Lavendar19

April 23, 2012 - 9:26am — Dee30

Thanks for the response. Right on that we do have a huge tendency to attract an N. I am in the process of divorcing exhusband and also exbf is married so I still stand strong in NC with him. Trying to clean up the trash in my life. I'm totally with you in the over dependency on a guy on an emotional level. That I am also working through and I must say its a work in progress also but I have improved a bit I can tell I'm not as obsessed as I used to be. The guy I'm seeing is not the most handsome guy. Hes very intellectual though and totally respectful and decent. At this point I see nothing wrong with him. But as you said also, I continue to have my guard up as well. That was my big worry that it's too soon, but it happened and I can say I truly like this guy and he does not all seem like he's charming my pants off or is desperate etc. he's also just a pretty normal guy. I guess if things come up I will worry then but I mean with my my N exbf there were signs he was a narcisstic prick right from the beginning. Now I know narcs like to secure supply first before their mask slips but I'm definitely not seeing any signs of a jerk so far. He truly likes me. if anything I think he admires me which I find sweet. I am still working on myself. I see a therapist regularly who is very nice and candid with me, told her about this guy and all and she is working with me on figuring stuff out, I think she thinks also he's a nice guy. Her concern was with exbf the fact that he was trying to weasel himself back in my life and to work on that because he is like a srug for me so I'm starting to break that addiction from him. But with this guy I guess it's a just wait and see and I should enjoy the happiness he gives me, cuz nice guys are hard to come by when you have been only attracted to narcissists for a long time. This guy doesn't excite me like the N but I think that's a good thing.

"This guy doesn't excite me

April 23, 2012 - 3:05pm — lavendar19

"This guy doesn't excite me like the N but I think that's a good thing." That's exactly how I feel, I got goosebumps after reading that lol. My boyfriend isn't exciting like the N was..I was raised in a sheltered family so my exN was my walk on the wild side, so to say. I felt alive with him..but I felt so low 90% of the time that being completely alive and excited 10% of the time just didn't cut it. I'd rather live a mediocre existence without the nauseating ups and downs of N's and P's. I would take it as a good sign that he doesn't excite you..as long as you still look forward to seeing him and the compatibility's there.
It's great that you're speaking to your therapist about this, sometimes other people shed light on situations that we'd never thought of before. Or they see something that we've missed or dismissed.
For me, my dependency stems from the fact that I've had a hard time feeling a connection to "normal" people my whole life. I have OCD and most of the friends I have and have had in the past, also have some kind of OCD, anxiety or borderline issues. These are the only types of people I feel like I can form connections with. That's why narcissists and psychopaths were (and sadly still are) attractive to me. Normal bores me...but I'm working on changing this, because normal, nice men are the only type who will stick around (without tormenting and abusing us)

By issues guys I meant more calling me. That's it

April 22, 2012 - 5:01pm — Dee30

And I hold my own I have a good job with good money and I take care of the kids alone I don't think I'm necessarily asking him to take care of me financially. I want a partner not a bank machine. I just don't want to judge a guy prematurely because of the previous relationships I had and assume he's a narc. He's very nice. And not in any charming arrogant way. Yes he does know about my previous relationships as I know of his also. I also have my weaknesses. I can be overly dependent but I'm actually improving in that area. The fact that's he's willing to even take any criticism I have and improve on it is good IMO. The only thing I can say is I do continue to tread cautiously I am aware of myself and my own issues, which I am through therapy. The ex narcs to me can made me feel confused with everything. I truly don't want a guy to just take care of me in the sense of me me being dependent. But I defineyly do want someone to care for me. N I'm not sure what I'm supposed to look for if I'm slamming the book at him already for no reason. I feel good with himself I haven't even slept with him. We are still early in in the relationship but so far so good no signs of narcy behavior. So I think he's great I mean until he proves otherwise I don't want to condo a nice guy just like that.

Dee....Don't be looking just

April 22, 2012 - 9:21pm — TNR1

Dee....Don't be looking just for Narcy behavior...that isn't the point, the point is to look for signs that either of you is continuing in this with "rose colored glasses" or trying to fix some holes from your past. Definitely take it slow....continue to work on you.

You are suppose to be finding

April 22, 2012 - 9:04pm — Hunter

You are suppose to be finding who you are at this point..

You're whole post is ALL ABOUT HIM..do you reconagnize this as a problem?. You have kids.. How are they with you going from man to man to man?

Are you spending time with you and your family?

Hunter

April 22, 2012 - 9:26pm — Dee30

I truly get what your saying but why should I think so negative if he hasn't done harm to me? We are not glued to eachother I see him sometimes. My kids havent met him neither they have met the exbf even. Until I am certain of a future with this guy would I ever introduce him to the kids. and of course I was talking about him because I was just stating how he is. But I am also saying that I have issues within myself. He isn't a bad guy. with the other 2 narcs there were signs all in the beginning. And yes I am independent. I don't depend on this guy for my needs. I am finding me also in this process. I just don't get how i should judge the guy prematurely. He is mature. He has good morals and values too. But I do still keep it light, and I have spent alot of time lately with the kids and just today with my family. so I don't know I guess time will tell. But as for the kids they always come first which is why i never let exnarc husband back into my life even though he begged me on numerous occasions, and exbf, although he can pull at my heart he will never get another chance with me. I am strong otherwise i would have been back with the psycho exhusband long time ago. kids are pretty happy with me. I do try hard to raise them well with good values.

You have issues that he works

April 22, 2012 - 12:24pm — Hunter

You have issues that he works thru ? HUH!? What issues could there be at onset..

Last week narc called you and you were wavering .. you missed him ...

What are you looking for?? " he's willing to take in your family" Really.. How Nobel..

Life is about choices.. You're turning to a man to take care of you .. If that's what you want ? have at it..

Don't you think it's time to evulate whats really going on with you. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE. ..THERE IS NO SUCH TING AS A FREE LUNCH.. Just saying..

Hunter

Dee

April 22, 2012 - 10:20am — sweetpeasarah

How long sinceyou came out of the narc relationship? No way am i saying that all men are narcs that would be stupid, but please go careful.
you say 'even after knowing everything he's willing to take on my 3 kids and take care of me', does that mean you have told him about your previous relationship with narc and everything you have been through? If so, i think you should maybe keep such stuff to yourself for now. He may well be a great guy, and could make you very happy, but i think 4 months is a bit quick to have a real knowledge of this man. Remember how good narc's are in the beginning!
Im in no way trying to 'rain on your parade' but just take it slow, especially with regards to your children, be great for them if he is genuine...but what if he's not? do you want to put your kids through that? I really dont want to sound harsh, that's not my intention at all, just dont put too much detail about yourself 'out there' to him, until your sure.
Trust your gut on this one hun..
x

by striving to change i meant just improving a little things

April 22, 2012 - 9:48am — Dee30

yes understandably it sounds too fast. By taking care of me and the kids, I didn't mean it in a way I would have no part in taking care of myself. with ex narc bf i dated him 2 years and he had not once asked to see my kids. even with my narc ex-husband he abandoned his 3 kids! I guess this just shows that he is willing to take on kids because he knows they come with me too and he truly wants to bond with them,. He is mature. I will continue to tread cautiously. I definitely have my guard up. by improving i meant in terms of more frequent communication but he always treats me well. I guess the only way to tell is just keeping my guard up.

Hey Dee...I agree with

April 22, 2012 - 8:40am — TNR1

Hey Dee...I agree with Used...it concerns me that you are stating that he is the one who strives to change. What is it that he is "striving to change"? Sounds like he is trying too hard and you are getting swept up in all the ways that he is "not like the Narc". I'm not trying to rain on your happiness...just wanting you to be a bit cautious.

dee

April 22, 2012 - 7:51am — Used

He's mature about it and HE strives to change....
He needs to change this early in the r/s??
4months is too early to be declaring he will look after your children....
He may turn out to be the nicest guy in the world ..BUT this is going to fast in my opinion.....

Dee

April 21, 2012 - 7:50pm — Janie53

I change my mind after re-reading your post. Two things come to mind:

1) Why are you asking? Obviously, something is amiss to throw out a question as such.

2) He is willing to take care of you and your kids? That is a problem. You need to take care of you and your kids. You cannot rely on anyone else to do that or you will be right back in the place that brought you here.

Sorry, but I say keep working on you and only you.
Stay true!

Janie

I think it would be a bigger

April 21, 2012 - 11:37pm — dazed

I think it would be a bigger problem if this man DIDN't want to take care of her and her 3 kids. I don't understand why it is bad for him to take care. I am assuming he is not taking over her life and controlling her. And I am also assuming Dee will continue to care for herself and her kids. I don't think the problem is relying on someone as much as it is being your own person and trusting yourself. It is the nature of relationships to rely on people for some but not all things. Making them responsible for all your happiness is a huge problem. She should take care of her and her kids. A future good partner, IMO, should also take care of her and the kids. If not, what's the point of being in a relationship? It's where people care for one another.

DEE

April 22, 2012 - 1:07pm — Snowflake

Trust your gut, not everyone is bad and he sounds a great guy. Four months isnt long though so just enjoy dating, getting to know him, take it slow..

Its nice that he realises/appreciates you are part of a package but just keep the relationship at stage one for now and dont just accept anything just because its better than the N.

If this new one isnt an N and he works the trick at getting N/N thoughts out of your life and a belief that you can get back to normal life then as long as your guard is up be happy x

ASSUME.. WHAT DOES IT SPELL?

April 22, 2012 - 12:26pm — Hunter

ASSUME.. WHAT DOES IT SPELL?

Hunter

Dazed

April 22, 2012 - 8:03am — Janie53

I'm not at all disputing the beauty of love and parternership. She asked if we thought it was too soon to be in a relationship during this early stage of her healing process. She met this guy in January, 4 months ago; that is in no uncertain terms enough time to be making such a commitment to anyone except herself and her kids.

It takes a LONG time to get to know someone, to trust someone. 4 months doesn't cut it for me.
My instinct, from what Dee says, is to tread lucky. I, personally, would say no thanks!

Just my opinion,
Stay true to you!

Janie

Thanks for responding. I

April 22, 2012 - 4:36pm — dazed

Thanks for responding. I guess I didn't see that she was overdoing it here. Maybe it is one of terminology. Have someone "take care of" vs "caring about." With that I think I kind of missed the point. Obviously, dating very early on in the recovery phase will likely lead to the same results. I am wondering if there is something about Dee that I am not getting or somethig in the post that I just don't see. But the things you say make sense so maybe that doesn't matter. Maybe she's overly dependent on the relationship to make her happy rather than being happy in her life whether the relationship is there or not. And I think part of all this is learning to trust our instincts (like you expressed)and not sacrificing those feelings just to make the relationship work. Early after finishing with an N, I think those instincts are unreliable. How long it takes to get on more solid ground obviously varies. Anyway, I think we are actually kind of agreeing on this stuff so it is all good IMO.

Dee

April 21, 2012 - 7:26pm — Janie53

Only you can trust your intuition. From everything I've read however, it is not a good idea. No, not every guy in the world is a narc but I would suggest taking your time. I for one, could never live through this kind of violation again. Why take the chance and rush things.

My 2 cents!
Stay true to you,

Janie

Dee, You have all the

April 21, 2012 - 5:21pm — Blue Moon

Dee,

You have all the experience and intuition to guide you. There are normal guys out there (I think) and I can understand that after tangling with an N (or two in my case), you can become uneasy and feel like you are waiting for the monster to come out in everybody. Go forth with the wisdom you have gained. And don't feel bad for being a little skeptical, it's what will help to protect you from those who don't deserve your time and love.

Good for you for learning about the disorder and taking time to learn about yourself. Wish you the best.

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