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The ex-N at work
Rinalda
Member since:
3 years 9 weeks
3 years 9 weeks
Last activity:
5 days 17 hours
5 days 17 hours
The ex-N at work
Posted April 21, 2012 - 3:03pm
How do those of you working with the ex-N handle it on a daily basis? If you're stuck in this situation, too, and changing jobs isn't an option right now, what do you do to cope?
This is an ongoing source of anxiety and frustration for me, especially when he draws women into the scene. That's the worst part and is why our relationship ended in the first place.
I try to ignore him, to do my own thing, but it's impossible not to hear or see him (we sit a few desks away from one another). And often he wants me to overhear things that seem designed to make me jealous. Or he hides things, like before, and is cagey. It triggers me.
I feel "worked on" still (he's "at work" while at work, if you follow me) and grow anxious at times over these other women. I guess the pain of the betrayal hasn't fully subsided. Seeing them draw new sources of supply is tough.
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A different angle
April 26, 2012 - 4:39pm — RinaldaHerLatestVictim--Good advice. I try to approach it that way, too. Some days it just gets to be overwhelming, and in general, I'm tired of his games.
A new therapist I talked to suggested something different: to disengage from him, she said that I should acknowledge what he is up to (this "dance" he has created with various women, including me). She told me to stop enabling him to carry the secret of his infidelities and to make it clear that I see what he is up to. She wants me to turn and walk away whenever he starts a conversation and to comment overtly on the "closeness" between him and this new woman.
As I do not wish to be this woman's rival, and she keeps pulling me into some stupid competition, the therapist said to tell her "good for you [being close with the N]!" and to thus stop the dance with her as well.
Because he (and all of his kind) thrive on attention, she thought that he needs to be dismissed more decisively--by overtly showing him that he cannot play with me anymore and won't be tolerated.
The DRAMA TRIANGLE!
April 26, 2012 - 4:57pm — herlatestvictimRead up on the Drama Triangle (triangulation!):
http://www.mental-health-today.com/articles/drama.htm
My ex-N still plays this game well!
When you are involved in a Drama Triangle, the roles are constantly shifting... the only way to save yourself is to step off of the triangle.
I love to call my ex-N out on some of her behavior in passing! Unfortunately, it sometimes makes me look bitter as it comes out as sarcasm :)
Good Luck Rinalda!
It's me again! Same place as you...
April 23, 2012 - 1:35pm — herlatestvictimI'm sorry that you (and I) are still dealing with the fallout of getting involved with these emotionally disabled sacks of skin.
I also cannot leave my job and work with the ex-NPD monster everyday, sitting a few feet away! I also deal with the anxiety of watching new supply enter the scene.
This is how I cope:
-I truly believe that NPD monsters are unable to love. The next supply won't get any better than I did. That's why they are considered pathological, they are unable to change.
- You know exactly what they are doing and saying to the new supply. They recycle their garbage more than anyone else. You also know the pain that comes with realizing none of it is real. I try not to think about what's going on, I KNOW what's going on. Lies. Manipulation. Games.
- SMILE. Focus on looking happy and not concerned with the NPD! Nothing pains them more than to think that you have a life of your own, that you don't hang on their every word, that you are happy! SMILE. Nothing is more beautiful.
- Try to hate him. That may be the only way to detach. I tell myself all the time that I feel hate (even though I don't) because it's easier than admitting my that my heart is still hurt. I also try to think of them as a piece of LINT, just little fuzz that I can't concern myself with in any way.
When I am forced to interact, I try not to ask questions of a personal nature at all. I smile, answer, and move away.
Yes, sometimes I'm in the bathroom trying to keep myself together... but I never let the NPD see that anymore. I make myself scarce if I'm feeling affected by them.
Good luck!
I struggle with this every
April 21, 2012 - 9:33pm — BrokenBlondeI struggle with this every day as well. I don't really have any good answers to it. I just try to avoid him. I am triggered when I see him, as well as the OW, who works at our company also. Some days it is too much. Some days I want to just quit to get away from him. He's made it impossible for him to talk to me at work -- long story -- so in some ways I'm safe. But just knowing he is there kills me.
Rinalda
April 21, 2012 - 7:32pm — ruby01This is a tough position to be in, and I'm not sure that there is a really good answer as to how to eliminate the frustration.
As long as they are present, they continue to try to control you. If they know you will not return then they don't hoover with smiles and false compliments. It's too much effort to put the mask back on. I think that is actually a good thing because there is no confusion that you made a good decision when you went NC.
By ignoring them you have dinged their already fragile ego, and some can hold grudges for years.
Try focusing on the many people in your life that deserve your thoughts and remember this is just one person, and a very small one at that.
Thanks
April 22, 2012 - 8:52am — RinaldaThank you for the replies. It is a horrible, horrible situation to be sure. I feel trapped in a pressure-cooker at work, forced to deal with his bs. Sometimes it's aggravating and at other times, when I feel unsure what he is up to with a certain woman, I get sick with anxiety.
Redirecting one's thoughts toward the positive is the only way to make it through the day. Working out at the gym has been the other saving grace. I think I need to go back to therapy right now because of some intense stuff that happened this week.
BrokenBlonde, I truly sympathize. One day we will either stop caring (let us pray for this) or will simply leave, when the opportunity arises. I do have better days and lately have been much much stronger and more at peace than I was before--it does get easier. But then something happens and the awful anxiety returns.