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Is this 'normal'?
angie-la
Member since:
1 year 15 weeks
1 year 15 weeks
Last activity:
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1 year 2 days
Is this 'normal'?
Posted April 19, 2012 - 5:21pm
I've been complete NC, including googling him and looking at his dating profiles and his wife's blog. And I feel worse everyday. I am in therapy, started meds and running again and have read as much as I can find. I'm making an effort to move on and forget him- and it's NOT happening. I dream of him, think of him all day, obsess over the fact that he made me a fool, it was all a game to him and I didn't know it was a game. He's seeking out people to destroy when he has a wife and kids at home who adore him. I think about his wife and how I'm now forever going to be someone who slept with a married man. That's not who I am, not what I believe in. It's almost unbearable. This man has destroyed any self esteem I had left and I don't know what else to do to get it back and to forget him. The worry that I won't be able to move on is too much. Besides the physical stuff I feel like he emotionally raped me and it makes me sick and so sad. Is it normal to feel weaker and worse each day???
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We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
What you described
April 19, 2012 - 9:59pm — neverlookbackI dream of him, think of him all day, obsess over the fact that he made me a fool, it was all a game to him and I didn't know it was a game.
Very Normal at least speaking for myself. They are still with us long after they are gone - Personally I think its the stench of their toxic waste that follows us lol Anything that is toxic does usually smell and linger if its not contained. I experienced everything you are feeling - They DID emotionally rape us - this was a huge violation and betrayal which = trauma. You will move on and you will not always feel like this
Hey angie, I found that I
April 19, 2012 - 9:05pm — LookonthesunnysideHey angie, I found that I felt the worst after I went completely NC. I was also (still am pretty much) consumed by thoughts of him, I used to have dreams up to 6 nights in a row, no joke. All very emotional and upsetting, and it made my day shit. I remember feeling the exact same way thinking "is it normal for me to STILL feel SO upset??" And I definitely felt consumed by the situation. I think we all go through this. This is the hardest part, after you've cut contact and you know for sure there is no going back. Its really tough, so go easy on yourself.
Also remember that recovery has its ups and downs, its common to feel okay for a couple days and then really badly again seemingly out of nowhere. Its all part of the process unfortunately.
Do you have much support from friends? Or much going on socially? That could be a factor...
Thank you for telling me
April 19, 2012 - 9:23pm — angie-laThank you for telling me this! I dream of him almost nightly. It's not even in a romantic way that I'm obsessing, it's more of just trying to process what's happened. Still he is always on my mind and I don't like it at all. I'm pretty lonely, don't have a great support system and only even told one person in my real life about him. I was ashamed about the nature of our relationship, or whatever it was. Now that it's over I've told my therapist and a counselor at a women's shelter and my support group about him but that's it. I just want him out of my thoughts. I'm trying to keep busy but it's hard. So I read and read all about this but almost wonder if that's causing him to be on my mind?
Aww angie we all understand
April 19, 2012 - 10:54pm — LookonthesunnysideAww angie we all understand the aspect of shame. Any woman who's been in any kind of an abusive relationship feels this to some degree.
5 months after I left my narc I had processed a lot and was thinking about it constantly. After a while I decided to come completely clean to my best friend and my mom. I warned them that I needed to get things off my chest and told them terrible things about him and things that had happened. (Just omitted the sexual stuff when talking to my mom). There are still some details I've kept to myself, but it reeally felt good to get it off my chest. Do you have a close friend that you can really trust who you would consider confiding in? When you carry around something like this its a huge burden, and all the memories become this kind of embarrassing secret. But when you open up about it you stop owning it. Someone here once said that, stop owning all those memories and what he did to you, stop clinging onto it and making it a part of you, because its not really. Its what you were subjected to but you're not a part of that any more. Let it out. Dont carry it around with you.
You have no reason to feel shame. People who love you (truly love you, not love in a narc way) will only feel empathy for you.
Perhaps something to think about.. xoxo
And yes, I think sometimes
April 19, 2012 - 10:57pm — LookonthesunnysideAnd yes, I think sometimes its good to give yourself a break from reading all about them and bringing up old memories. WAY easier said than done. I still have to tear myself away from my computer sometimes. Some days it just makes me feel worse though and I let it rest. Just pay close attention to what its doing to your mood.
Unfortunately,
April 19, 2012 - 7:48pm — ruby01In order to move forward in life the wrong turns we make have to be examined so that we may recognize not only the fact that we veered of course, but how and why.
It's not always pleasant, but it is the only effective way to heal and ultimately become stronger individuals.
The reasons PD's remain stuck is because they refuse to go through this process.
You are fine and one day you will be smiling again,inside and out.
xoxo,
Ruby
There are days I feel worse.
April 19, 2012 - 5:49pm — Harper03There are days I feel worse. But, I think that has to do with the fact everything is starting to hit me... The shock of the end of the relationship is over. Now I have to deal with the emotional scars and the fact for 5 years I've not really grown as a person, had a life of my own or acknowledged my emotions and my needs. So, my advice to you is stop looking him up. Take it a day at a time. Don't beat yourself up because you slept with a married man. He's an N and I am sure he gave you some "poor me" story or manipulated you in some sneaky, subtle way. He sensed a weakness, a need in you... LIKE THEY ALL DO... and he took advantage.
And with his wife... She adores someone who is not real. I do not know their relationship but I can only imagine... She might put on an act for her own needs, she might put on in act for her kids sake... Everything is not always as it appears. If she is with an N she is most likely miserable herself. If not, she could very well "love" for the wrong reasons, too.
You will get through this. Keep your mind busy on things other than him. DO NOT search for him. It will get easier.
Thank you. I actually posted
April 19, 2012 - 5:58pm — angie-laThank you. I actually posted this because I was feeling low and thought about looking at his Facebook. Not sure why, since it just makes me sad, but I'm glad I posted here instead. It's such a roller coaster. Some days I think I'm going to survive and days like today I just feel hopeless. Tomorrow will be better.
Block him from seeing you on
April 19, 2012 - 10:43pm — Tar Heel BlueBlock him from seeing you on Facebook. Make sure your privacy settings are such that only your friends can see you and what you post. If he is a "friend," then unfriend him. You have to cut off all possible ways that allow you to have any access to him at ALL. That includes reading his posts on his wall or anyone else's Facebook wall. Block him. That way he can't see you, and you can't see him. Out of sight, out of mind. Eventually.
I've been there, done that, and got the tee shirt. I know you can do this. There is always hope. He's not worth what you're going through. They never are.
Post away, sweetheart. It is
April 19, 2012 - 8:04pm — Harper03Post away, sweetheart. It is encouraging and uplifting to hear everyone's advice and success stories! It helps keep you on the right track when you want to break NC or are having a bad day.
I don't know why, but this
April 19, 2012 - 8:26pm — angie-laI don't know why, but this made me cry! Thank you all for being amazingly compassionate and not treating me like an idiot. Honestly, I'm blown away by everyone here.
I am fairly new to this site,
April 19, 2012 - 8:37pm — Harper03I am fairly new to this site, but I am like you... Blown away from the support and everyone's sweet words. Continue to post, PM if you would like... I hate that we all have to be here, but I am glad we are all here for the support!
Much love and many hugs!
I don't know why, but this
April 19, 2012 - 8:25pm — angie-laI don't know why, but this made me cry! Thank you all for being amazingly compassionate and not treating me like an idiot. Honestly, I'm blown away by everyone here.
Hi Angie.. Did you see
April 19, 2012 - 5:35pm — HunterHi Angie..
Did you see this?.
http://psychopathyandlies.blogspot.com/2011/02/who-bleep-did-i-marry.htm...
It reminded me of you and your story and I'm glad you are a survivor..
Hunter
thanks so much for this
April 20, 2012 - 2:55am — Alissathanks so much for this article
Thank you for posting this. I
April 19, 2012 - 5:53pm — angie-laThank you for posting this. I look back and realize that I am VERY lucky to have made it out in one piece. Even if I'm a bit broken right now.
Hunter that was great!
April 19, 2012 - 5:47pm — MonarchThanks for posting that link. I like the quote, "I don't feel sorry for men who don't get enough attention from their wives/girlfriends, or those who can't budget their financial life, or who need daily instructions just to function, or get pulled away from doing something important to listen to something unimportant, or be the one to pick them up when the outside world is being mean to them. A real man can function in the world, balance a checkbook and accept responsibility for their actions. Real men don't need to be rescued and real woman don't either. " I was not with a real man and I wasn't being a real woman....I wasn't being who I am. I let that fade when I was with him and tried to be what he wanted.
I hope so because if it's
April 19, 2012 - 5:31pm — uncomfortablynumbI hope so because if it's not, then we both need a padded room. Like a lot of things, I think the sting of a narc is more harsh, and the venom stays in your system for a while..somehow they see to it that they rape your soul and make you feel low so you think you need THEM to validate you, give back what they took away.
I had a knife in my heart for a disproportionate amount of time, given the significance of the "relationship." and to this day, my mother thinks i'm depressed and need meds. I have an appointment to check into it, because bouncing back, like I have done from bigger losses, is more like hitting the wall at a slow roll, and rolling back on an incline...
Thank you. I feel this need
April 19, 2012 - 5:41pm — angie-laThank you. I feel this need to feel somehow validated and I know that'll never happen. I want him to know he's wrong, that he hurt me and that he can't get away with it. Except he can...he gets to go around hurting people and suffers no consequence. If he had physically stolen from me I could press charges, but because he only violated my trust and stole my innocence and trust, there's nothing I can do, right? I don't know how to survive. Thanks for responding.
It's very infuriating that
April 19, 2012 - 5:48pm — uncomfortablynumbIt's very infuriating that they get away with hurting people the way they do...and even more infuriating that they feel no pain for it...I hope it is consolation that he will never know the full meaning of anyone meaning anything to him, as his soul was raped when he was too young to have a choice...it must be torture to get in the head of one of those people, I bet they are in some form of constant pain...you would have to be to treat people that way...unfortunately we were chosen to be punished for it...part of feeling better is gratitude that I didn't turn out to be someone like that...at least we have a soul...forgive yourself and stay strong!!!
THe next best thing to never making a mistake is learning from the ones you do make.
THERE YOU GO!
April 19, 2012 - 6:15pm — wshI totally agree with this. Making mistakes is HUMAN! We only KNOW it was a mistake by what we LEARNED FROM IT.
Just another way of saying that HEALING is the best (& only) "revenge" we need to (or should) pursue!
I am broken up with the N
April 19, 2012 - 5:29pm — pamela11I am broken up with the N since Jan 1, 2012. I have had no contact with him since march 3, the day I moved out. I can tell you that the first month was complete hell. I could barely function than I started reading about his disorder. His Mom was also an N and I saw it in her from the get go. He hide it so well from me. I am a trained professional in the mental health field and he fooled me. I didn't see any of it until I was D%D than it hit me...He was a psychopath narcissist! My intellect understood completely. It has taken my heart a lot longer to grasp. Every day is different for a while. One day I'm OK and I have a decent night but the next day I might be an emotional train wreck. Although I can give you some hope that the periods of being the "train wreck" are getting shorter and further apart.
It is unimaginable what they are capable of. I know now that the man I fell in love with was nothing but a con artist and a VERY good one at that. You will get through this. Read everything you can....it helps. Reach out to people too if you need to, you can email me here if you like. Just hang in there, be kind to yourself and most important dont have ANY contact with him. he is only out to hurt you and anyone else he deals with.
hugs....
P
PLEASE don't take this wrong,
April 19, 2012 - 6:20pm — wshbut it makes me feel better that you are a trained professional & also got fooled. Just goes to show just how very "good" these bastards are at what they do.
Thank you for being so open about your experience. You help us more than you know.
I've also thought this- there
April 19, 2012 - 6:36pm — angie-laI've also thought this- there are a lot of very smart women out there in the same boat. It is terrible to be here but these guys are GOOD at what they do. Here's the most embarrassing part for me...I was duped and used by a guy I met online, most of it was emotional, the physical part was the end of it. So our 'relationship' was created online. And he's definitely a predator. And I teach an Internet safety class at my elementary school! Everything I warn my kids not to do, I fell for. I am not even sure how it happened.
they are like sharks
April 19, 2012 - 7:47pm — no more an echoHi angie-la,
These disordered men ARE so very good but you were probably vulnerable, too.
My Ex-Narc preyed on me while I was going through a huge crisis in my life. Like sharks, they can smell the blood (and I was DEFINITELY bleeding!)
When God granted me clarity, and allowed the Narc's mask to crack, I realized that while he WAS an expert con-man, I overrode my instincts about him far too many times.
Forgiving ourselves, I believe, is key to our healing. (And is also why moving forward from this type of 'relationship' is more difficult!)
I was very vulnerable, he
April 19, 2012 - 8:23pm — angie-laI was very vulnerable, he knew this. We met on a dating site and I thought he was single...by the time I found out the truth, I'd already developed feelings for him and he promised he was separated, etc. I probably believed what I wanted because I was so lonely. And he knew that. And promised he wouldn't take advantage of my emotional state. Which just makes it feel worse, knowing that he saw me as already wounded yet thought it was okay to nearly kill me (not an exaggeration).
Thanks for all of your kind words, it really does make me feel better.
Thanks. I am well educated
April 19, 2012 - 5:48pm — angie-laThanks. I am well educated and definitely know better, yet I did everything 'wrong' because I thought he was a good guy. I don't lie or use people or intentionally hurt others so it is unbelievable to me that there are people out there who do. In a way this is worse than my divorce, and this was a quick fling! I didnt love him or anything. But my husband was not a monster and it didn't screw with me like this. I feel crazy. And I just hate myself that I am letting his guy have so much power and control over me even though I'm not in contact with him. He's not particularly attractive, he's definitely not nice, he's selfish and dishonest and short and mean. So why why why can't I get the bastard out of my thoughts? I just want to drink but I don't think that's a very good idea right now!
Hey, I'm in the mh field
April 19, 2012 - 5:35pm — uncomfortablynumbHey, I'm in the mh field too!!! Glad I'm not the only one who should have "known better," yet got duped by the pretend guy anyway!!! That's one of the things I beat myself up for...however...whenever I deal with abused women, I have been given the opportunity to educate them on N's and for one lady in particular, it has been a godsend. So I should really be thanking the douchewad for making me better at my job, which he was always insecure about my job and education, ironically.
crash-course in narc
April 19, 2012 - 7:34pm — no more an echoHi uncomfortablynumb,
Yes! Thank the "douchewad" for making you better at your job.
There's NO WAY a textbook could have educated you on all the intricacies of personality disorders this well!
We are all stronger and wiser and only God knows how we will use this 'crash-course' in out futures!
But I don't want to be
April 20, 2012 - 1:24pm — angie-laBut I don't want to be suspicious of people in the future. I don't want to assume people are going to use and lie to me. I don't want to live like that, you know? I want to think there are good people out there. I guess this is part of why I'm even struggling- I'm just befuddled even thinking that people can be so cruel and manipulative. It's almost like I'm having a huge culture shock and I don't like it!!!